Shabbos guest dilemma

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

1 2 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Thu, May 08 2014, 4:41 pm

I live near my brother and sister in law and we often eat shabbos meals together. When they invite us she has no problem asking me to bring the fish, chicken and a salad. Now that would be fine if it was clear up front that we were splitting the meal or if it would be reciprocated but I once had the audacity to suggest she make the fish when she asked what to bring when they were coming to us to which she responded "oh, I meant something small" and proceeded to bring a candy tray.

I love spending time with them for the most part but I can't handle the stress right now. I work long and hard hours and I'm exhausted. Oh right and I'm also pregnant. I feel like she just conned me into splitting a meal but it feels like it's going to be a candy tray sort of week again. And I don't know how to get out of it (I'm happy to split it not do all the work myself). And they are on a very strict diet that requires lots of expensive foods (apparently they upgraded to salmon for fish course) and she wants chicken AND meat (I have yet to make meat for a Friday night meal). Oh, and I can't make it the way I like it because they can't have any sugar in it. Once they are here she also raids my kitchen cabinets and takes whatever she wants (which would also be fine if A. I wasn't so personal about my space and B. it wasn't only expensive items that she told me she doesn't buy because they cost too much).

So I need help here. How do I handle this so I don't end up falling apart? It will be nice if we actually split the meal and it's not so stressful for me but I don't know how to make that happen. How do I give her a clue?

out-of-towner

Thu, May 08 2014, 4:46 pm

She sounds like she won't get it even if you tried. I would stop inviting her unless you are perpared to do the whole thing yourself.

And about her raiding your pantry...why do you have to let her? You can simply say "Sorry, but I need these ingredients, as I do not plan on shopping until next Shabbos!" So sounds pretty self-centered.

mummiedearest

Thu, May 08 2014, 4:53 pm

next time she asks to share a meal, tell her like it is.

"I'd love to share meals with you two. however, I find it unfair that I am expected to bring a main dish when you are only willing to bring a small item to my home. also, I must declare my pantry off-limits when you are over. I'm happy to lend you an ingredient in a pinch, but I expect you to buy me another of those ingredients. I can't afford to be a grocery store."

don't put the word "sorry" in there. she's wrong, you're not. it sounds like she's younger than you and probably sees you as the nearest thing to parents. I bet she raids her parents' pantry as well.

Lady Godiva

Thu, May 08 2014, 4:55 pm

You don't need to give her a clue. You need to give her a piece of your mind.

You're exhausted and she wants to come to you for the meal. This means that you'll be doing most of the preparing and probably all of the cleaning up after the meal.
TELL HER that you'd like her to come (if, indeed, you really do), but that you will need her to help prepare some of the main dishes. TELL HER which dishes to prepare and confirm with her that she will be bringing them, as you will not be making them and if she doesn't bring them there won't be any fish, chicken or whatever served.

And about taking things out of your kitchen cabinets? TELL HER that you're only serving what's out on the table.
It's nice that she feels comfortable by you, but make sure she understands that you're not a food bank.

amother

Thu, May 08 2014, 5:08 pm

Op here: I'm not by computer right now so hard to type but want to make clear that she's not a spoiled brat. When she asks me to bring that much she makes a lot too...she just has fancier standards than me I guess. I don't like that she goes through my cabinets but I'm guessing that was ok in her parents house and she would have no problem with others doing the same by her. She is also used to making lots of food for her guests that she won't touch so it may all be very normal to her.

mummiedearest

Thu, May 08 2014, 5:14 pm

then you have to tell her how it is in your situation. your pantry is NOT free for all. you CANNOT bring that particular dish made to her specifications. you can bring a salad or a candy dish. if they are on a diet, they need to bring a main dish to accommodate their needs unless you have an easy time preparing that.

(I'm on a special diet. those family members who know how to cook for me find the main dishes easier than sides. I sometimes bring main and side with me.)

imasinger

Thu, May 08 2014, 5:30 pm

What happens if you say, "could you please bring the fish if you want salmon, because I don't make it for us. Same with the meat."

And if she says no, follow up with, "I'm sorry, I'll need you to contribute more than just a candy box."

What do you think might happen?

amother

Thu, May 08 2014, 5:38 pm

I'd probably just be passive aggressive and next time she asks me to bring fish, salad and chicken tell her no but I can bring a bottle of wine.
Not saying that's the right thing. But it's probably what I'd do.

strawberry cola

Thu, May 08 2014, 5:40 pm

being specific might help. if they are coming to you this week, tell her, "I am only making gefilte fish (or whatever you make) so. please, if you want salmon, I'll need you to bring that.
dont get into long conversations.

Maybe take the expensive stuff out of your cabinets and hide it, if you would rather not confront her!

amother

Thu, May 08 2014, 6:34 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

The problem is I really like her and such a conversation wouldn't leave her wanting to have meals with me or anything to do with me at all. The truth is, it sounds like she wants a break this week (last week she invited me but we were away, this week she fished for an invite) but I need a break too which is why we were initially planning on being alone this week.

In terms of the pantry it's weird. I can't tell her not to eat while she is at my house (she doesn't take ingredients to her own place will just polish off various things that are allowed on her diet...fruits, veggies, nuts, etc) and I don't expect her to pay me back for what she eats in my house (but I'd rather she not finish my cashews...she didn't buy it because it was $5 for small container--I don't want to spend the money to not have it for what I need).

BTW, they are better off financially than we are. My brother and I bring in about the same income but they have her income too and my husband is still in school and not really working (she told me several times that her entire paycheck goes straight to savings because they don't need it). They live a more extravagant lifestyle than we do (brother buys her several thousand dollars worth of jewelry a year to make up for all his business travel and they go away more often) so it's not like I feel she needs the financial help.

And yes, she is younger than me but they are married longer and her own parents aren't too far away (though she does the same at my parents pantry and they are just thrilled that she is comfortable enough to do it). Household management also seems to come much more easily to her which is why I resent it I guess. The truth is, she likely has no idea that making a shabbos meal like she wants is a HUGE deal for me because she can work all day Friday until two hours before shabbos and still cook up a storm (fancy of course) and clean her entire apartment and shower and dress before shabbos with seemingly no effort. I'm just not made that way.

imasinger

Thu, May 08 2014, 6:57 pm

Hide the cashews?

mummiedearest

Thu, May 08 2014, 7:07 pm

1) hide the expensive stuff you don't want her to take.

2) sit down and explain to her that you are not as accomplished a chef as her (make this sound complimentary) and that you'd love to have her over, but you can't cook as she does. you are tired and overwhelmed, and you'll need to simplify the menu. she's welcome to bring over the fancy meat/fish/whatever if she really wants it.

3) I suggest you have preset get togethers on shabbos and not use each other for "breaks." if she needs a break, she needs to learn to make one-pot meals in the crock pot for shabbos. she can't expect you to serve her food that she would cook if she doesn't want to cook. why not preschedule one shabbos a month that you are both aware of in advance? you can precook stuff and freeze it, and that will allow you to relax more. and that would take away any last minute inconveniencing one's sibling/in-law.

amother

Thu, May 08 2014, 7:28 pm

I hope your sil is not on this site

greenfire

Thu, May 08 2014, 7:32 pm

are you splitting the meal or are you making everything ...

ask her to bring the salmon & the meat [& some cashews Wink

]

maybe rearrange the plan - do not get together every week and you make what you want for your week - you take a break & she makes what she wants for her week ... so that you're working hard once a month & same thing for her week

amother

Thu, May 08 2014, 7:40 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

We are pretty casual about it because we live in the same complex and don't need to be so official (I feel like if you make it that official what's the point? We are family and should behave as such). The thing is, she usually initiates. I find it hard to initiate because lovely as she is my brother can make it awkward and my husband takes it personally. Last time they came he ate the fish that was out before we washed and then sat on the couch reading and ignoring us the rest of the meal. His poor wife was mortified and asked if they could talk outside and he said no and continued reading.e then proceeded to be completely socially awkward (even worse than above example) the rest of the meal before abruptly deciding they have to go. I'm used to him and had no problem continuing as if he wasn't there but my husband thinks he just doesn't like him. We also feel like third wheels when we go to them because ultimately they end up having another couple or two that we don't know that my brother finds much more entertaining than my husband who then feels weird and out of place.

Also, I don't mind giving her a break when she needs it if/when I'm up to it. I'm just not up to it this week (or, admittedly most weeks these days). I'm working an insane schedule to save up for an unpaid maternity leave and I'm up at the crack of dawn for work and only get home mid-late evening (not impressive next to her schedule of being up the same time for an intense hour work out before going to full day of work and then cooking a healthy four course meal for dinner and still having energy to socialize at night). I barely have energy to shower these days and all other non essentials have gone out the window. My place is clean for one reason only--my husband does most of the cleaning!

amother

Thu, May 08 2014, 7:42 pm

amother wrote:

I hope your sil is not on this site

Me too!

(She's a real people pleaser and would probably cry if she saw this and feel completely horrible...and proceed to be my personal slave forever and ever just because she feels bad)

DrMom

Thu, May 08 2014, 7:43 pm

imasinger wrote:

Hide the cashews?

Get one of those spring-loaded snakes-in-a-jar-of-nuts prank containers:

http://www.amazon.com/Fancy-Sa.....GK4AO

ra_mom

Thu, May 08 2014, 7:47 pm

amother wrote:

It sounds like you need to let her know that you do not have much koach these days due to the pregnancy and that you need to take it easy on inviting and being invited out and need to be able to be home alone and keep shabbos simple for now.
If you like the comaraderie and would like to keep the invites going, think about switching off with her for shalosh seudos now that the summer months are upon us.
Good luck and feel good.

Last edited by ra_mom on Thu, May 08 2014, 7:49 pm; edited 1 time in total

DrMom

Thu, May 08 2014, 7:47 pm

amother wrote:

I live near my brother and sister in law and we often eat shabbos meals together. When they invite us she has no problem asking me to bring the fish, chicken and a salad.

Basically, you need to bring the whole meal.

You need to grow a backbone and be more assertive (not rude, just assertive).

"I can't bring al those items; I may as well stay home and do my own cooking. Tell you what: pick one dish for me to bring, like when you come to our place." Smile sweetly and do a good job with the item you bring.

zaq

Thu, May 08 2014, 11:30 pm

DrMom wrote:

Get one of those spring-loaded snakes-in-a-jar-of-nuts prank containers:

http://www.amazon.com/Fancy-Sa.....GK4AO

Thanks for the laugh, DrMom!

Page 1 of 2

1 2 Next