ISO long term overnight babysitter in BP for toddler

amother

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 12:25 am

amother wrote:

In bp it's very normal to send away the other children for up to 2 weeks when the mother gives birth. Most mothers aren't capable of catching buses, cooking dinner, doing laundry mad taking care of the baby st the same time. Also, many women go away for a bit to rest up so the little ones can't quite stay home alone.

Try calling Sury iliovitz on 50 & 13. She is very warm and loving. She runs a toddler group by day in her home and takes overnight babysitting.

OP here,
thank you! I'm sorry I'm not super human. I think many people have parents and friends who help. By my first I had family who was able to help this time I don't... My son doesn't really know his aunts either so I don't really see it would be so different either. He will get to know whoever it is. It's hard its very very hard but I don't see that I have another option.

What kind of person can I have move in? Anyone have someone that can move into my home? we have an extra room with no ac no bed. but we may be able to figure something out it's also used for storage now so I would need someone to come clear it out.

morahaviva

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 12:27 am

Maybe in Boro Park things really are different - but it is a terrible thing that a child's emotional health and feelings of safety be put second to a mothers comfort.
Kids come first. Period.
Maybe a first time mother doesnt yet understand how this can be harmful to a child, especially a toddler who has no concept of time or distance.
BUT - there are more experience mothers here, some may be teachers, psychologists, doctors, etc. who could tell you that this is A VERY BAD OPTION, and should not be considered an option at all.

Grandmama

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 12:36 am

Many parents have kids sent away for a few weeks to warm loving relatives or paid babysitters, and they do just fine. They are not traumatized for life! The op is saying she does not have a choice. She is not giving up her son willingly, she is doing it because she has to! She has a hard enough time and is asking for references, not people's advice. If you are not in her shoes don't judge her! Children are quite resilient, and they can be just fine after being by a warm loving babysitter for a week or two, or even three. Nothing happens.

Dear OP: I am ready to take your two year old. For free! If you don't find someone and need my help I am ready to help you! Just because I think you really sincerely need the help and you come across as a wonderful mother. PM me.

morahaviva

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 12:38 am

there is a law called Paternity Leave. Only one state pays for it right now, but many states have a law making it illegal to fire someone if they take off time after their wife has a baby. If someone in the family was C'V sick, I assume he would take off... well, halachically a yoledes is considered in danger for 72 hours after birth....

"Many employers are required by federal law to allow their employees (both men and women) 12 weeks of unpaid family leave after the birth or adoption of a child under the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA). At the end of your leave, your employer must allow you to return to your job or a similar job with the same salary, benefits, working conditions, and seniority."

rdmom

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 1:16 am

OP. Please listen to me. And not the other women here.
I have left my 20 month old at a sitter for more than a week. And no. She was not traumatized for life. I have actually used this sitter more than once after that. Believe me, your son will be fine. He won't remember.

But what YOU will remember is the time you had to rest up and to get your energy back. You will be building up your strength for the time when he will come back home. And believe me, you will need the strength.

So please, for your sanity, find a good sitter. I would not recommend the one I just used. I will not say who she is, since the last one wasn't the greatest experience. And believe me, my baby is fine. I liked the sitter I had used before this one but I moved and the old one isn't available anymore.

To all the people who are telling her to take her older one home, will you come over to help her when the OP finds it too hard to handle both kids. The mental and physical stress after a baby is enough even without adding a two year old the the mix.

OP. Please take care of yourself. None of these other people are going to take care of you. If you are smart enough to acknowledge that you need the help
And cannot go it alone then I applaud you. And no. I am not saying it is a community thing. I would rather see you rest up and ready to take your son home after a week or two than taking him home right away and cracking up(sorry for using this term)

With my last baby I had two kids home right away. They were 10 and 13. And you know what? I couldn't cope with them home. I was crying all the time. And no I did not have PPD. So I sent my kids to a family member. For a week. I am not saying that it is comparable to the OP but you have to know when you need help.

OP. please don't listen to them. It hurts just reading the negative comments.

Go ahead. I posted under my screen name cuz I am not embarrassed of my opinion. Flame away.

amother

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 1:32 am

heidi wrote:

I have had children via c-section and naturally. A week is plenty of time to get back on your feet. In fact, it's a luxury that many women don't have.
But I won't go there.

Be thankful that b'h you found that a week’s time was enough time to get back onto your feet. I agree that it may be a luxury that many women dont have but lots of women (in fact I'm pretty certain most women) are not back to themselves in a week. Its same way by surgery - some people recover quicker than others. I've had sisters in law who are back to themselves in 2-3 weeks and some need 2,3 months. Everyone heals at their own pace and has different levels of tolerance, and b'h your one of the ones to recover quickly but that shouldn’t make op feel inadequate its normal to need awhile to recover.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not an advocate of sending a child away – I would do anything possible so that I can keep him home – hire help and ect… but in this case it doesn’t seem like there’s a choice. From ops first post “I am looking for recommendations of people who are very good or outstanding as my son never really went to a baby sitter he is my first and I am terribly worried about sending him away" – she sounds like a very loving mother . Obviously if she must really not have a choice. And if she doesn’t get her strength back and if it effects her shalom bayis not to send him away (as op previously mentioned) would that be good for her son?

OP- I really feel for you. It must be hard to send him away, it also sounds that you feel overwhelmed about taking care of two kids – it’s a big jump going from one kids to two. I'd offer to take him on condition that I can bring him over to see you ever day - I love kids and only have one baby - just I may be going away a few days next week so I don’t think it would work.

amother

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 1:40 am

rdmom wrote:

OP here,
Thank you for your kind post rd mom. I am starting to feel more relaxed and perhaps I will be able to sleep tonight afterall Smile

RD mom if I pmed you one of the people I was thinking of using could you tell me if that was the person you were unhappy with? Or do you prefer not to say.

what were you not happy with with the person you used last?

I really want what's best for my son. I even was going to use someone who charges more than 100 dollars more than most others a week. so it would have cost me 200 more for the two weeks but I want whats best for him. I really really do!! The comments people wrote really hurt me more than helped. sometimes peoples opinions aren't really helpful or warranted. I was going to write in my original post I'm not asking for a debate just references but then didn't probably wouldn't have stopped them. Since I already asked people to stop but they keep going on and on and on.

wispalover

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 1:59 am

amother wrote:

I have not stated for sure two weeks maybe one week maybe two... It will depend on my healing and I just want to go home and take my ds with me. That is my true desire. My husband won't let so unless you really want to get into my shalom bayis I don't think there is anything I can do. I suggested having someone come here instead but hubby is not really interested but if he lets I definitely will do that.

Not trying to get into your shalom bayis, but I must say that I have never heard of a husband who "will not let" his wife bring THEIR son home.

rdmom

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 2:09 am

I have heard of it.

A husband who cares for his wife and knows he will not be able to be there for her to help with both kids. And knows how hard she had it after birth last time.

A husband who wants a healthy wife. That is a husband who doesn't let his kid come home.

It is only for two weeks. She is not abandoning him forever. She says she had a miserable time after her first baby. Does she really need her two year old added to the mix.

Believe me I would offer to come and help her personally. And I have no idea who she is. But since I work full time and my own kids go to a sitter it just isn't possible.

Again OP. you are not crazy for doing this. You are crazy for not doing it. It really bothers me to see this woman treated like this. She feels guilty enough without all of you adding your own two cents. We all get it. You are super moms. For that you deserve standing ovations and gold medals. But not everyone can do it. So please, don't make em feel bad.

My mom always says, nobody will pay for your "goldene matzeiva" for being martyrs for your kids. You have to think of yourself sometimes too. And yes. Taking a two week break after having a baby is not so irrational.

Enough already. Please stop.

amother

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 2:16 am

rdmom wrote:

OP, here Thank RD mom!
and exactly my husband won't let because he wants me to recover not because he wants to hurt me or my child.

wispalover

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 2:22 am

rdmom wrote:

RDmom, your posts are really grating on my last nerve. Let me explain to you the part of your post I find offensive - "does she really need a two yr old added into the mix"? This is a child. Not a dog, not some pet- but a child who has no-one else to rely on but his parents. I have not once indicated she is abandoning him forever, but to say things like "my husband won't let me bring him home" and you saying things like "do you really need a two year old thrown into the mix" is just wrong.
People on this board are entitled to give their opinion- that is both the blessing and the curse of posting on a public forum. You take the bad with the good. If you, RDmom, have an issue with a post- report it by all means. But don't try and use censorship here on imamother- we are a forum and all individuals with our own opinions, that we are allowed to use. To have a dissenting view is fine, but telling people not to talk because you don't like/ agree with what they are saying gets old fast.
Noone is saying to be a supermom- everyone is encouraging help, but there is a reason that people get nightnurses and don't try to find places for their kids to be, away from them.

wispalover

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 2:35 am

amother wrote:

because I can't carry him down the stairs to get him there. I don't live on the first floor we have no elevator and my husband is not home till the afternoon.

What about having him bump down the stairs on his tush? My 2 yo is really heavy and she bumps down the stairs while I hold a hand or go infront of her. You could wear the baby in a butterfly carrier or moby wrap. What about a nightnurse or a temporary daytime nanny to come in and take your 2 yr old out? I don't think you will find a babysitter, who babysits during the daytime as well, with less than 2 kids.

rdmom

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 2:47 am

Sorry for grating on your last nerve wispalover.

You are right that this is a child and not a pet. But doesn't this child need a healthy mother to take care of him. She has stated many times that she cannot take care of him after birth for whatever reason. So it is better for her to take him home and not cope than to send him to a loving sitter while she regains her strength? If that is the case then I guess we are each entitled to our own opinions. So keep to yours and I will keep to mine.

And since the OP has stated that she cannot take care of him after, and it is still being harped on, I just said stop. Sorry for saying that I guess. Keep on talking and making her feel guilty if that is your intention. But will you come help her when she needs it?

At least she is smart enough to know her limitations.

wispalover

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 2:59 am

rdmom wrote:

No. People are offering alternative solutions. If I was desperate to keep my child home, I would rather hear those solutions and have a two week sendaway as a very last resort. Noone has made her feel guilty- people have offered very good and realistic solutions that might work for her. For example, a day nanny, a night nurse, daycare... If you have never sent your child away before, don't you think it might be more mentally taxing to have a newborn and a constant worry about how your other child is doing away from you when you are unable to see them daily?
And both of you keep saying "take him home".. take him home from where? One night he will come to see mommy in the hospital with the baby and on the way back be dropped off at a stranger instead of being taken home?

OP- if you really do need to send your DC away, please make sure that you look into every other option and that your child spends extensive time with this new babysitter before you leave him there right after the baby comes. Also, I recommend talking to your DC about it- they understand a lot more than we think they do.

Raisin

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 6:11 am

can you find a teenager (ask your neighbours) who is home for the summer and wants to earn some money? She can come in the morning, get your son up, feed him, dress him, and take him out for the day. (park, her house, do any grocery shopping you need etc) then she can bring him home, make him supper, and put him to bed. Or she can take him to a daycare, and later pick him up.

is someone going to be sending you meals?

I agree you need help. I personally would not want to send out my 2 year old but thats me.

Btw, in general I think recovery is easier after the first birth. You don't usually tear, labour and delivery is often shorter.