Was I too hard on my girls?

amother

Thu, Sep 11 2014, 4:31 pm

I bought these sticker activity books for them and was saving them for a special reward should the need for one come up. I had them tucked away unnoticed for a while already, but DH did some cleaning/ reorganizing the other night and they somehow ended up in the kitchen. My girls (both 6) found them, unwrapped the plastic and began to play with them. Granted they were no longer in a hiding place, but still they were wrapped and nobody gave it to them. I was upset. I told them they were wrong to help themselves to something that was not theirs and that I had been saving those for presents and now I can't use them so they have to each give me $5 to pay for them. Too harsh for 6 yr olds or did I do okay? I really want them to learn to be respectful and not take things that don't belong to them.

octopus

Thu, Sep 11 2014, 4:41 pm

I would be making my dh pay for that . Six year olds do what they would normally do. It wasn't like a closed piece of mail. They saw a gift on the table. Maybe they even thought it was for them. If you want to be strict- the angry face and speech was enough. Making them pay for it was a bit over the top in my book. But everyone is different and in general I'm not a super strict parent.

Barbara

Thu, Sep 11 2014, 4:49 pm

amother wrote:

IMNSHO, you were way too hard on them.

They're only 6 years old, and the books were left out, not hidden or in a place where they would have reason to believe that the books weren't for them. Particularly as there were two of them.

rachel91

Thu, Sep 11 2014, 7:14 pm

amother wrote:

Where do your 6 year olds work?

amother

Thu, Sep 11 2014, 7:30 pm

When I was a kid I remember at least 2 times I did something and I had no idea it was wrong and my parents got so mad at me and punished me. I still resent it today. I wasn't trying to be bad and if they just explained why they were upset I wouldn't of done it again. Where your girls doing it on purpose? Did they know what you had planned? If they did, then maybe. But if they didn't they please don't punish them like that. It's not fair for the kids, they didn't know better.

amother

Thu, Sep 11 2014, 8:21 pm

Oy, I feel like an ogre now. I guess I'll give them back their money tomorrow. I really didn't want the money anyhow, just that they should learn, but I guess you're all right - they didn't really pull it out from a private area so...

And as to the question of where my kids work (LOL!), they don't of course but they do get money from relatives for birthdays, chanukah, etc. plus DH will sometimes give them a dollar or two for doing something extra special and these particular daughters happen to just be exceptionally good savers so they have quite a stash.

seeker

Thu, Sep 11 2014, 8:28 pm

I disagree with those saying they did nothing wrong by helping themselves to the books. It wasn't horrifically wrong, but I think it's appropriate for 6-year-olds to learn that something that was never given to them is not for them to open without asking. However, it does sound like the reaction was probably too intense. I would have given a little lecture on asking permission and not taking what isn't yours, and if any consequence it would have been something natural like not having any treat on the occasion they were for (though that isn't a perfect solution because it might be a long way off... but you could theoretically contrive something. Like next time they're asking for a treat you would tell them those sticker books were supposed to be today's treat but - oh, too bad, they got used already. Guess you'll have to just play with your old toys today.)

vintagebknyc

Thu, Sep 11 2014, 8:33 pm

amother wrote:

you actually took their $$? they're six!

you "guess" you'll give them their money back tomorrow. sorry, mom, you need to do a whole lot more than that tomorrow.

imasinger

Thu, Sep 11 2014, 8:50 pm

The wonderful thing here is the opportunity to set a fine example.

Tomorrow, you can say to them, "I thought more about what happened yesterday. It was wrong for you to use new sticker books without checking to see if they were for you, but I was wrong to tell you to give me your money. Especially in the month of Elul, everyone should do teshuvah and say sorry for what they did wrong.

I got more angry than I should have, and I'm sorry.

Here is your money back. I'm sure you will remember to check with a grownup before playing with something you have not seen before, right? I love you."

What a powerful lesson in so many ways.

Sherri

Thu, Sep 11 2014, 8:51 pm

imasinger wrote:

amother

Thu, Sep 11 2014, 8:54 pm

seeker wrote:

this!!!!!!

they deserved a lecture. money was not necessary but I dont think harm was done.

if you listen to jim fay he tells a story of his grandson, age 3, destroying the fathers laptop buy pouring a cup of water on it. They "gave away" his ride on tractor to pay for a new computer and he worked on the farm to payback/earn "a new tractor " The then 4 year year old boys said when he got his "new tractor", "this tractor is so much better than the old one". It was better because he worked for it.

it was not theirs to touch age appropriate or not. same thing as not allowing your child to take a cupcake off the kiddush table at shul if the kiddush has not started

amother

Thu, Sep 11 2014, 8:58 pm

vintagebknyc wrote:

you actually took their $$? they're six!

you "guess" you'll give them their money back tomorrow. sorry, mom, you need to do a whole lot more than that tomorrow.

Such as?

Yes, I took their money. I already agreed with everyone's comment that the punishment was too harsh and I feel badly and I will return their money. But do you really think 6 yr olds can't be expected to understand that they can't just help themselves to whatever they like because it's in a "common area" of the house? My children have all learned from early on that we don't touch things that don't belong to us. Until now this has never been a problem.

amother

Thu, Sep 11 2014, 9:00 pm

imasinger wrote:

OP here. This is great. Thank you.

vintagebknyc

Thu, Sep 11 2014, 9:00 pm

amother wrote:

you might do what imasinger said, above. you might apologize.

FranticFrummie

Fri, Sep 12 2014, 3:22 am

imasinger wrote:

This is beautiful. Such wise words, I actually got tears in my eyes. I wish I knew you IRL, you seem like a really special person. Hug

amother

Fri, Sep 12 2014, 5:46 am

amother wrote:

If they buy things with 'their' money, do you touch it? Is it yours or theirs?
How do you define ownership?

This seems an odd and off-topic question, but they money is theirs. They are responsible for keeping it in a safe place (which they do very well) and they take it with them and count it out themselves (which they also do well) when they feel like purchasing something.