Humor-Jokes | Imamother

Motek

Thu, Aug 09 2007, 3:16 pm

Famous Last Words:

-- Unfortunately I can not totally agree with comrade Stalin.

-- Is this really the first time that you have traveled on the roof of a train?

-- Of course you don't look fat in that dress honey. Well... maybe a little.

-- Hey ya'll watch this.

-- Hey, it's OK. Bungees NEVER break...

-- LOOK! An old mine from world war...

-- Sure, rope bridges last forever.

-- Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

-- Zooming is excellent with these Sony's. It's just like as if that
elephant is going to...

-- Do I cut the red or the blue wire?

-- Oh shut up! I won't fall!

-- Oh, it looks like a dolphin is swimming this way...

-- Step back a bit, I can't get you in the picture.

-- Listen, I'm taking a course in chemistry, I know what I'm doing.

-- I wonder what happens if these two wires touch.

-- It's OK, I saw them do it on TV.

jewgal84

Thu, Oct 18 2007, 10:18 am

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red
sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a
blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?' the driver finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it
and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back
saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Lechatchila Ariber

Thu, Oct 25 2007, 8:24 pm

PARENT - Job Description

POSITION : Mum, Mummy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging,permanent work in an,
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities .
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $50.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets & stuck zippers
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that university will help them become financially independent.
When you die,
you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

roza

Sat, Dec 22 2007, 9:51 pm

This time of the year is good for these kind of jokes:

Mr. Goldstein runs a factory which produces NAILS. He is getting on in years, and decides that he wants to take his wife to Israel for a trip. So he speaks to his son Moishe, "I want to take your mother for a trip to Israel for a few months--will you look after the factory for me?"

"Not a problem," says Moishe.

Off go Goldstein and his wife, and they have the most wonderful trip to Israel. On their return, Goldstein is very anxious to find out how things went at the business, so he phones Moishe and they make arrangements to meet at the factory.

"Well," says the father, "how did the business go while I was away?"

Moishe goes to the drawer and brings out the books. "No problems," says Moishe, and he opens up the books for his father. And guess what--Moishe had tripled the sales.

Mr. Goldstein is absolutely overjoyed and asks his son, "How did you achieve this result?"

Moishe answers that it was just too easy. He goes to another drawer and brings out a poster of Yoshke on the cross, and underneath is written in big letters, WE USED GOLDSTEIN'S NAILS.

Well, the father is horrified-- "How could you do this to me?! You know that I am president of the local U.J.A., I sit on the board of the Keren Kayemeth--your Mother is president of her Hadassah Group--I want you should never embarrass me like this again!"

Moishe apologizes and promises that it won't happen again.

A year later, Goldstein has the urge again to visit Israel. So, he again asks Moishe to look after the factory while he and Mrs. Goldstein make the trip. "Not a problem," says Moishe. Well, off they go, and they have a very enjoyable time, covering the country from north to south, east to west, and when eventually they return home, Mr. Goldstein again phones Moishe to meet him in the factory and go over the figures. They meet at the appointed time, and Moishe again brings out the books to show his dad the figures. Guess what--again he has tripled the figures. Well, Mr. Goldstein is absolutely delighted, and just a little bewildered.

"Moishe, the last time you tripled the figures, but this time again you tripled THOSE figures. Tell me, how did you achieve such a result?"

"Dead easy," replies Moishe. He goes to the drawer, and brings out a poster of Yoshke lying on the ground. And below, in big lettering is printed, NEXT TIME USE GOLDSTEIN'S NAILS.

shanie5

Sat, Dec 22 2007, 11:25 pm

The Cohen family was on good terms with their Catholic neighbors, the
O'Brian's. In fact, little Yankele Cohen and Chris O'Brian from next
door would play together from time to
time.
One December's day, Tim O'Brian came storming in to the Cohen's house
holding poor Yankele by the ear. "Your son is not going near my Matty
again; he just has no respect for
us and our religion!"
"What's the matter; what did he do?" inquired Mr. Cohen. "I'll tell
you" said Tim in a rage. "He saw our x-mas tree and started making fun."
"He did?" said Mr. Cohen. "What did he
say?"
"He saw our tree and started asking all sorts of ridiculous questions -
which kinds of pine trees can be used for an x-mas tree? What's the
minimum required height? How close to
the window does it need to be? Do too many decorations render it unfit?
What if it's under a neighbor's balcony?!"

shanie5

Sun, Dec 23 2007, 5:05 pm

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Please rise to the occasion, in memory of Doughboy, and share this notice with some one who may be having a crumby day and kneads it.

Mrs. XYZ

Sun, Dec 23 2007, 6:20 pm

shanie5 wrote:

Very cute!! LOL

Maya

Sun, Dec 23 2007, 6:40 pm

shanie5 wrote:

This one is great!

ChossidMom

Tue, Jan 08 2008, 5:18 pm

BS"D
>
> Psychologists and rabbinic leaders are warning about the
> prevalence
> of Honorifics and Frum Idiom Confusion Syndrome in the Jewish
> community, bli ayin hara.
>
> Over the past several years the number of honorifics and
> superstitious idioms added to the frum vocabulary has been
> increasing exponentially, k'niyna hara. This has caused some
> confusion to occur, baruch Hashem, especially to those with more
> simple minds, kein yirbu.
>
> Typically the syndrome starts with overuse of the terms, b'chasdei
> Hashem, then quickly turns to usage of the terms in the completely
> wrong place, shlita. In more advanced cases, nisht auf Shabbos
> geret, idioms foreign to the frum world, l'havdil elef havdalos,
> are
> used as well, praise the L-rd. In addition to the number of such
> terms, zy gezunt, the prevalence of usage of such terms has
> increased exponentially as well, yasher koach. For example, 20
> years
> ago, mamesh, the term "baruch Hashem", was limited to a portion
> of
> Maariv that most people did not say, gezundheit. Today it
> constitutes 23% of a typical frum male's spoken word and 27% of a
> typical frum female's, im yirtzeh Hashem by you.
>
> It has been added to most kosher menus, thank you - come again,
> and
> has replaced "all of the above" on standardized tests given to
> yeshiva bochrim, lo aleinu.
>
> Family and friends of those afflicted with this disease, chas
> v'shalom, are advised to use caution when asking simple questions
> such as "How are you?" This may cause the afflicted person, zt"l,
> to
> reply with a stream of unrelated frum idioms that usually have
> nothing to do with how they are doing, yishtabach shmo.
>
> The best option, in the opinion of the professionals, Hashem
> yinakem
> damam, is to stick a tehillim in front of them, ad meah v'esrim.
> This should keep their mouths busy until such time as a permanent
> cure is found, rachmana l'tzlan.
>

Imaonwheels

Tue, Jan 08 2008, 11:38 pm

Two guys are sitting at their desk and are complaining that work has been so hectic that the boss hasn't allowed them to take any vacation time for too long. So the first says, "I am going to get some time off".

He climbs to the ceiling and grabs onto the fixture and hangs upside down. His coworkers gasp. The boss comes running in and asks what this is all about. The upside down worker says, "I am a light bulb". The boss tells him to get down and go home and get a few days rest. The second worker also starts packing to go home. The boss says, "And where are you going?"

"I can't work without light".

Motek

Thu, May 01 2008, 11:42 am

Moishe decided that life would be more fun if he had a pet. So, he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box and named him Sheldon. He decided that he would like to take his new pet to the synagogue with him. He asked the centipede in the box, "Sheldon, would you like to go to Shul with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "Sheldon, how about going to Shul with me to receive
G-d's blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face right up against the box and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Shul with me and pray!?"

A little voice came out of the box........................

"I heard you the first time, I'm putting on my shoes!!!!!"

Tue, May 06 2008, 3:52 pm

A woman pregnant with twins is in a terrible car accident and falls in to a coma. A few weeks later she wakes up and the nurse in the hospital tells her, "You gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and girl, but since we didn't know if and when you would wake up, your brother-in-law named the kids. I hope you don't mind"
Knowing that her bil wasn't too bright, she asked with apprehension, "So what did he name the girl?" "Denise" was the reply. "Oh, thats a nice name! she said. And what did he name the boy?"
"Denephew"