diamonds are a girl's best friend ...

amother

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 7:08 pm

Chabad actually specifically doesn't give a ring, or any type of jewelry, from the chosson until after the wedding.

Since kiddushin is performed with jewelry there are all kinds of halachic shaylos that crop up if jewelry is given before.

Maybe she could go that route if they're really pushing the ring?

Frumdoc

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 7:33 pm

It is nice to get a special gift. Is there something he wants to give and she wants to receive? How about a locket with their photos?

Doesn't have to be a diamond, the whole diamonds thing was very over promoted by the de Beers to keep the diamond market going.

But it is nice to have an engagement ring or piece of jewellery, even if you are a tomboy. Mine is small, uniquely set (I designed the setting!) not showy at all, and I love it, even though I thought I was such a pragmatist and not at all interested in jewellery. Turned out I was more traditional and romantic than I expected.

amother

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 8:15 pm

Oy, this whole ring thing can get so complicated. My diamond ring nearly ruined my marriage and is still a source of tension. We married late, and I really wanted a special ring. My husband went way overboard and has since regretted it and wanted me to sell it numerous times. THAT hurts. I don't just want a "diamond ring", I want my engagement ring. It is irreplaceable to me unless we're getting divorced and remarrying with a new ring. Don't judge me, it has sentimental value.

PinkFridge

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 8:28 pm

greenfire wrote:

NOT !!!

why does everybody else feel that a kallah needs a diamond ring if she won't wear one ... to the point that his mother wants to buy a ring ... and my sister thinks it's not official till there is a ring

shouldn't this be a choice that only she & her chosson make together ...

ITA.
Thanks for the update. I was wondering how things were moving.

jeweled

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 8:47 pm

Although from the MIL perspective I can see her thinking that people will think she is cheap, or not accepting of the DIL. At this time period (engagement) people are expecting to see a ring (and yes its because it has, for better or worse, become a "thing"). After the wedding no ones checking anymore.

Just sayin'

amother

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 8:58 pm

jeweled wrote:

My DIL waited till she could choose the ring in person. I think she spent most of her engagement ringless.

morah

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 9:06 pm

One of my aunts did not want a ring. She asked for a painting What

Yeah, kind of random, but my uncle went along with it, and the painting is still hanging in their living room 40 years later. So, not everyone is into the ring, and that's cool. If the MIL really cares, she can get her a CZ ring to keep costs down and your daughter can humor her by wearing it around MIL and her friends.

sneakermom

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 9:50 pm

I don't know.

I think she has to decide if her distaste for the ring is worth creating drama with the new mil.

She is new to all this but part of maintaining a good relationship with family (especially in laws) is diplomacy.

We can't control always the gifts we get. We can only control our response.

There will be many things about her chattans family that might make her grit her teeth. But that's the way it goes! And we shut up and smile because we are building something much more than whatever triviality is playing out at that time.

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 9:52 pm

jeweled wrote:

I check.
If I would see someone wearing a sheitel without a ring, I'd assume she's divorced. Just sayin'

And if she had a wedding band without an engagement ring, I'd be confused and wouldn't know what to think!

Greenfire, I don't mean this in a judgmental way at all, and obviously I don't know your daughter so don't have any basis other than your most recent threads for this comment, so take it for what it's worth... but I think maybe your daughter has to realize that "being yourself" doesn't mean how you dress. It's who you are. (to some extent, of course) She can be her same tomboy self even if she's wearing a wedding gown and diamonds and an updo... none of that will change who she is at all!

Also, I think you should relax about all this - these are very trivial things in the real picture. B"H she found her bashert - that's what matters! If she wears white, or ivory, or pink, or black, and if she gets a diamond ring, or cz, or tells her mil not to get her one, or if her chosson tells his mother not to get one... really doesn't matter in the long run. (And you'll have plenty of other things for you as the mother to argue with your future mechuteinester about. Leave the ring as something between the chosson and kallah!)

zaq

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 10:14 pm

kb wrote:

Are you serious? Please tell me where you live so I'll know not to move there. Watching my neighbors jumping to conclusions would be just too exhausting.

We just recently had a thread in which OP asked "what would you think if you saw a pregnant woman wearing no wedding ring?" Most of the responses were logical and normal, ranging from "It's none of my beeswax and why would I even think about it?" to "Her fingers swelled and her rings don't fit" and "She put her ring away for safekeeping."

What kind of nasty mind automatically assumes that lack of a ring plus a sheitel means divorced? There are so many other possibilities: widowed and looking to remarry; married and ring lost, stolen, doesn't fit, is causing contact dermatitis or is at the jeweler's for polishing/repair/resizing; single and getting chemo R"L; ring sold for money due to severe financial situation; ring taken off to knead challah and left on kitchen counter or apron pocket; woman doesn't like wearing rings, period...

You really would be confused if you saw a woman wearing a wedding ring and no engagement band? Where DO you come from? Not everyone gets an engagement ring, not everyone who gets one wears it on a daily basis, not everyone's engagement band is a diamond, not everyone who has an engagement band wears it on the same hand as the wedding ring,and rings do get lost, stolen, or put in safe deposit boxes and worn only for special occasions.

Yeesh.

imasinger

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 10:23 pm

jeweled wrote:

Or maybe worrying that people will think that her DS doesn't know what he is supposed to do.

One mught wish that such energy were focused on the couple's opinion, rather than that of the neighbors.

But people are who they are. Best to shrug it off whenever possible.

proudmother1

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 11:43 pm

See now what I meant by treading in a minefield? Rolling Eyes

For whatever its worth, I don't usually notice anyone's ring, present or not.

Mine is not glued onto my finger with permanent crazy glue either.

But I do love it. Simply for what it stands. Just my romantic self.

A laptop or a painting wouldn't do it for me. A horse wouldn't either.

But the MIL issue mentioned does bother me. Is this a permanent obligation to wear something one doesn't like? Forever and ever?

proudmother1

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 11:46 pm

kb wrote:

Just an idea. In the interest of a thorough investigation, you can peek into her handbag to see if she has bedikahs there.