How much to give for a wedding?

amother

Thu, Mar 19 2015, 3:17 pm

amother wrote:

I remember getting a check for $15 (yes, fifteen)for a wedding gift. I was so touched that they gave us money, they are a young couple with many small children yet they still wanted to give us a check. That was more meaningful than some $180 checks that we received.

I think $200 is a very nice amount. Perhaps you can get a gift instead of a check that way it looks bigger? Offer to buy them a set of glasses for $200.

I already gave them a gift from their Bed Bath & Beyond registry.
I think that's great you appreciated even the small amounts. But some people aren't like this. I think my brother will be fine, but I'm not sure how she or her family will be. I know her parents spent a lot of money on this wedding, so maybe most of the money goes to them.

So my husband wants to give $120 but I was thinking that's too little since he's my brother. I was thinking $200 or $180. We need to buy a new car soon so that will be an expense as well.

amother

Thu, Mar 19 2015, 3:28 pm

Not op
From what I knw it usually goes to the parents .. Since they are the ones making the wedding.. And its supposed to cover for ur plate.. But of course I'm sure they will understand if u can't especially if ur family and they knw the situation.. Or maybe even ur bro can gently hint in a way to his bride or her parents about it for u, so they won't get offended when they see the amount..
I get it it's difficult going to these kinds weddings, some ppl dnt go at all cuz they simply can't afford it, or they'll go just for like chuppa and dancing.

b from nj

Thu, Mar 19 2015, 3:33 pm

amother wrote:

Since WHEN do wedding gifts go to the parents & not to the couple?? That's ridiculous!!

My DD got married last year & got every last penny of her wedding & engagement gifts & neither I nor the machatunim got even a penny of what the guests gave our kids & we both paid a LOT of money for the wedding!

The wedding gifts should 100% go to the couple!

My parents & in-laws paid for our wedding & all the wedding $ went to us & the same with my DDs wedding.

I find it outrageous that parents of kids who are getting married would take their children's wedding gifts.

That is just unheard of in my book!!

JAWSCIENCE

Thu, Mar 19 2015, 3:39 pm

amother wrote:

It is really community dependent. Where I come from, the money goes to the kids to save up for the future, not to pay for the wedding. People cannot throw a party and expect the guests to pay for it as they cannot be sure to recoup costs and how are the guests supposed to know how much each plate costs? Same for my DH's community (which throws ridiculously lavish weddings IMHO) It really depends where you live/ what is standard there. Unfortunately since this is an anonymous internet forum and you are not disclosing your community the most we can say is - it depends on your community, all levels exist.

What is the same across the board is that you should never give more than you can afford. It's your brother so you can't not go to the wedding, but if his bride is going to have an attitude towards you because you did not give her enough money for the wedding or her parents hate you because you are tight financially and cannot pay for the lavish wedding THEY CHOSE to throw and invite you too, then that is very sad and more their problem than yours. You were planning on giving $200, your sibling is also giving in that ball park, if that can be fit into your budget it seems like that is the way to go.

amother

Thu, Mar 19 2015, 3:44 pm

b from nj wrote:

Did it cost 175$-200$ per a seat??
With 200-300 quests from each side.. Ppl come give the money to cover their seat (it's not really a gift) wich helps a lot on the cost of such a wedding.

BetsyTacy

Thu, Mar 19 2015, 3:51 pm

I really hope I have never been to a wedding that cost my host $200 per seat Anyone who chooses to pay that much per seat is not really expecting to have their guests "cover their plate". The covering the plate concept exists for the costs of regular weddings I don't just mean $25/head takana weddings, I will include "regular fancy" too. If you want to go over the top, your guests shouldn't feel obligated to give over the top. And to echo b from nj, certainly anyone who has enough $ to throw such a lavish party wouldn't take the checks made out to their kids, right?

amother

Thu, Mar 19 2015, 3:59 pm

BetsyTacy wrote:

And like JAWSCIENCE said it's based on community..
I'm just saying that it does exist some community do that and it's expected to be done like that, I've been to those weddings and events my entire life.. And not all can afford it on their own , put do it cuz the community helps by giving money for their seat..

amother

Thu, Mar 19 2015, 4:14 pm

BrachaBatya wrote:

I have never heard of the gift money going to the parents!!!!! Literally, NEVER heard of that.

We usually give $200-$250 from just hubby and me.

That's just it ! It's not a gift! It's what's done and expected!
I never heard of a wedding having just challah soup and fish/chicken,!! (And when I saw that I could not wrap my head around it, cuz im not used to it ) Each community to its own..

b from nj

Thu, Mar 19 2015, 4:33 pm

amother wrote:

Did it cost 175$-200$ per a seat??
With 200-300 quests from each side.. Ppl come give the money to cover their seat (it's not really a gift) wich helps a lot on the cost of such a wedding.

NO, the wedding did not cost $175/$200 per seat & quite frankly if ppl. choose to spend so much money per seat, that is THEIR problem not mine & I should & would not feel obligated to pay (the parents) for the lavish expenses.

Besides, wedding gifts are always made out to the newly married couple and NOT to the parents who threw the wedding so that should indicate who the wedding gift belongs to anyhow!!

amother

Thu, Mar 19 2015, 4:36 pm

b from nj wrote:

Well then it's a good thing this community doesn't think like that.. lol [quote]

BetsyTacy

Thu, Mar 19 2015, 4:39 pm

I have only heard about the cover the plate concept where the parents collect the $ from the famous she-who-must-not-be-named ex-poster. However, I still feel that we give a certain amount in gifts/ or $ for weddings. For the super close, we will increase the amount. We do not increase the amount for the super fancy. The $ or gift goes to the bride and groom. I guess I am glad I don't live in Barbara' s community where $360 is the norm. I wouldn't mind if $360 would be the norm if the wedding size was 50-70 people. When I am one of 300-400, I rarely feel that special.

JAWSCIENCE

Thu, Mar 19 2015, 5:02 pm

If you do not have the money you shouldn't spend it in advance hoping to recoup through gifts even if the community usually pays. I would simply not go to weddings if the expectation was you must pay whatever lavish price the hosts have decided, but as this is a siblings wedding the OP does not have that option. Therefore I would really hope her SIL and parents would not hold it against her even if it was the community norm. Young couples do not have that kind of money usually.

Do people make the checks out to the parents in that community or to the kids? What if the kids refuse to hand them over to pay for a party their parents wanted more than they did? I know it is done in a few areas, but it is not common in most communities and it just seem awful to me. Such a waste of money. But there have been several posts on this site to indicate that parents in some communities think they own their kids earnings, money, social security numbers etc. even when their kids are adults. I'd hate to live in that community.

amother

Thu, Mar 19 2015, 5:48 pm

JAWSCIENCE wrote:

First of all the parents dnt own their kids earnings money ect...that is ridiculous !
If the kids insist on having a modest wedding they do and most of the money goes to them.. The checks are usally made out to the parents and are handed directly to the parents..
Look at it like this, u make. A wedding lets say, guests come give u the money...
One of the guests later has a party be it wedding bar mitzvah ect... U come to that and give the money to them..
It's basically the same money being bounced around back and forth..
Everyone is happy, we enjoy the fancy weddings/bar mitzvah/Brit ect!!
(Most kids here want that fancy wedding to begin with knowing they dnt get any of that money..)