YT gift for my sons kallah - no money!

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Forum -> Relationships -> Giving Gifts

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amother

Copper

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 11:01 am

I dont know if this is in your budget, how about a nicely wrapped perfume (with a gift recipe so she can exchange if not her smell)
attach a note saying how sweet she is and excited you are to be gaining a wonderful daughter.....

Sanguine

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 11:24 am

amother wrote:

Oh, so that's why people have such short engagements? People can't afford letting their daughter be engaged more than one Yom Tov LOL

nyer1

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 11:27 am

don't buy into any expectations. anyone should be grateful for a gift, it should never be expected.
although it is a nice custom to give something, but I don't think it has to be jewelry. even so, if you wanted to give something and could afford to, it could be beautiful costume jewelry that is affordable.
for pesach when I was engaged I was given a beautifully engraved hagaddah that has beautiful artwork on each page. it was from the chosson, not from my in laws. it wasn't expected. I didn't even know at the time that that was even a "thing." I use it every year and trust me - I look forward to using it more than I look forward to wearing any particular piece of jewelry I've been given!

amother

Cerise

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 3:22 pm

amother wrote:

In some circles, not sure if it's yours op, the gifts go like this: By whatever yom tov during the engagement the chasson gets the thing that goes along with that yom tov. Succos an esrog box, peasach a sedar plate, Chanukah a menorah. Also the chasson gets a set of Shas somewhere along the line.
The kallah gets a set of machzarim with her name, some put her new last name on it. Some also give jewelry with it, or send a nice bouquet of flowers for yom tov.

Seder plates are not done (way too expensive and not everyone's minhag), usually it's a pesach set of matching matzah tash, afikomen bag, and pillow

amother

Beige

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 3:31 pm

its better to get her nothing then something cheap looking. when I was a kalla I got a very cheap looking present from my in-laws and it made me feel like they didn't think I was worth something nice. what's funny is that I didn't expect anything so if they wouldn't have given me anything I would have been fine. but getting the cheap present really made me feel bad- which was the opposite of what they were trying to do

amother

Lilac

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 4:43 pm

I don't know if this would go in your circles but I got a camera as it's not expensive like a piece of jewelry and very usable after they get married

amother

Coral

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 6:04 pm

amother wrote:

If this giving is your circles, than accept the tzedukah for it. The people who give do it with a glad heart. They want every kallah in their circles to feel special.

Butterfly

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 6:18 pm

amother wrote:

Perfume may be a nice gift in general but I'd be cautious buying it for Pesach unless it's Kosher for Pesach.

Raisin

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 6:23 pm

I think a really nice haggada (maybe leather, with her name on) is a great gift.

Maya

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 6:34 pm

It would be very helpful if OP specified which community she is in. If mainstream NY Chassidish, the kallah is expecting a piece of jewelry, just like every single one of her engaged friends will be expecting and receiving.

sourstix

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 6:36 pm

I have no experience with this I have no married yet. I just want you to know that I feel for you. that your in this bind. so question is how do you know she is expecting something? why does it have to be expensive? there are simple things that can be wrapped beautifully for so little. I guess you need to be creative. I know someone who bought machzorim and every yom tov gave the ones to that yt' so too with hagadah. that doesnt need to be the most expensive. and if you buy her eth what will her dh buy her?just hugs cause I feel for you.

sourstix

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 6:43 pm

[quote="mummiedearest"]op, is there any way you can sit down with future dil and set her straight? or have your ds do it? or have him tell her that this is not your family minhag, and since she will be taking on his minhagim, they should both agree not to give each other anything. or have him buy the jewelry himself.[/quote]

the very chasidish ones dont talk to each other till the wedding so its the mechutanim doing the talking. but I really would feel bad getting into a shiduch expecting someone to be something and they arent. what is your son saying to all of this.? this is hard. I wouldnt talk to a future dinlaw this way. maybe you could convey the message that it isnt your mnhag, or as someone said take the tzedah and use it this way cause they want the kallahs to be happy? its tough I really dont know

SRS

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 6:56 pm

amother wrote:

My son is a chussen and I know a gift is expected. Thats what we do in my circles apparently - I dont have tons of friends yet in this parsha and Its my first child were marring off. Every expence for the wedding has been a major negotiation and at this point not only do I lack the funds but Im starting to resent the girl and her family (so many demands!). Why do I have to go without this pesach so that this girl can have (more) jewels? The girl who seemed so eidel and pnimisdik suddenly needs it all. Were getting help from chessed funds as it is, I have to take more tzedaka so that she can have more presents?

Amother, hugs. I personally think there is little choice but to go back to the drawing board with this family. Preferably your son would be the one to address his own kallah, but I understand I'm already introducing a radical idea here, so no need to go too crazy because there is a culture that needs considered. There are families that go crazy on the 1st kid and come number 3 or 4 find out that they just can't keep up the charade. But here you are, clearly not able to be a part of this rat race and you need to be able to recover from this wedding and more on, iy"h, to the next wedding. What this family is demanding of you and the community through tzedakah is not right. And then, in the end the couple gets married and then what?

I think that by playing this game, the couple is not being properly prepared for their marriage. While I myself tend to like to address issues head on, I think that you probably should find a third party willing to sit down with the chasson, kallah, mechutanim, and you and your husband to hash this out and set some reasonable expectations.

real

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 6:59 pm

the truth is you can go to sears and find a really pretty bracelet, or necklace for less than a hundred dollars- they will box it nicely and she will never know where it came from

real

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 7:00 pm

this way you get her a present and you don't have to start another disagreement with the family

SRS

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 7:01 pm

Why avoid disagreement? Seriously. I think rocking the boat a bit can be of long term benefit to the marriage. This focus on the engagement is practically an avodah zara in my opinion.

Bruria

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 7:07 pm

What about something that has sentimental value, like either family jewelery or a silver piece ? In my opinion that would have even more value than something recent bought, just an idea!

amother

Beige

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 7:13 pm

not necessarily I was given something from my husbands family it really didn't' mean much to me as I didn't know the person it came from.it is also a cheap substitute. she might be happy with it now but years later she will look back and resent you for not caring about her feelings.

amother

Coral

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 7:14 pm

SRS wrote:

If it is the circles I imagine, it is not the family demanding. The couple will have no expectation once they are married the gifts will continue unless support is agreed to at the vort. All kallahs end up with the same jewelry.

real

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 7:15 pm

she is a young kalla and she wants to feel special. get her something inexpensive from sears or macys but something that doesn't look inexpensive-

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