YT gift for my sons kallah - no money!

Bruria

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 7:18 pm

amother wrote:

not necessarily I was given something from my husbands family it really didn't' mean much to me as I didn't know the person it came from.it is also a cheap substitute. she might be happy with it now but years later she will look back and resent you for not caring about her feelings.

Really? That is interesting, people are so different! I got a piece from my husband's family and I actually felt it was worth more, since anyone can buy something new, but a piece from the family, at least to me, meant that I was part of the family now, I was very touched!

amother

Beige

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 7:22 pm

in the beginning I was really happy and felt good that I was given a family object as a gift, but then I realized I was given it and not my husbands sisters- which would have appreciated it more, because my husbands parents were looking a way to be yotzei with giving me a present- I began to resent the item very quickly

Bruria

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 7:32 pm

amother wrote:

Even if they were doing that, they were still trying to please you in the way they could, giving something to you that would have meant a lot to the sisters. You shouldn't resent them, they were probably doing what they could given their circumstances!

amother

Beige

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 7:33 pm

I know my in laws had very little money at the time and I understand why they did what they did- but I also understand the kalla point of view- that she wants to feel special at this one momentous time of her life and it is better to get her nothing then give her a hand me down present or a cheap plastic piece of jewelry

Barbara

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 7:33 pm

Yowza.

OP, if you don't have the money, you don't have the money. You're apparently already putting out a lot of money that you don't have for the wedding and other gifts for the kallah. If she's the kind of person who is going to resent you forever for not buying her a Pesach gift, or for passing on a family heirloom to her instead of buying her some worthless trinket, and having to eat canned tuna for Shabbat lunch then, well, best to find out now, before its too late.

amother

Beige

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 7:35 pm

the item broke right away- it really just made me sad every time I thought about it. my husband knows how I felt and he overly compensates now-B"H -but like I said as a kalla I still remember that feeling and it is a bad thing to start a mother in law daughter in law relationship with

Barbara

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 7:40 pm

amother wrote:

That "hand me down" is likely to be something that is both meaningful and beautiful.

And really, is the Pesach between a kalla's engagement and her wedding a "momentous time in her life"? I can't find it, but I believe OP said that she already received an engagement ring and pearls, and they're planning a wedding. How much more does she need? Shouldn't she feel special because she's getting married, without the need for more and more and more jewelry?

I guess my son is lucky we don't do all of this, because if his kallah (someday) came anything near what you express, I'd tell him to dump her.

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 7:59 pm

You are 100% WRONG to hold it against your daughter in law for wanting to fit into her community's standards.
Shame on YOU for judging her for this.

If you weren't able to pay for it then yes, get money from tzedaka hachnasas kallah, that is what they are for.

It is wrong to expect your average, young kallah to be a big tzadekes and not get whatever it is that is the norm in your circles. She will likely resent you if you don't. I never heard of Pesach present, but if that's normal you need to find a way to figure it out and don't put the blame on her.

MagentaYenta

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 8:06 pm

watergirl wrote:

I dont understand how a kallah feels special when she recieves a gift that was given because its the expected (read:demanded) thing to do in the community.

Some of the responses here indicate that some kallahs see it as a validation that their future inlaws care for and value them and for others it's tied to peer group and community acceptance.

amother

Coral

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 8:09 pm

Barbara wrote:

OP doesn't need to get the money. OP said in her opening post the money is available from tzedukah.

Barbara

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 8:13 pm

amother wrote:

OP doesn't need to get the money. OP said in her opening post the money is available from tzedukah.

Really? You think that's what tzedaka is about?

Over 700,000 children in Israel live below the poverty line. Nearly 2.5 million children in the US are homeless.

But let's focus on important ways to spend limited tzedaka funds. Buying another piece of jewelry for a kallah who already has a ring and pearls and who knows what else.

ETA -- hopefully, this young woman knows that her future in-laws are far from rich. Hopefully, she appreciates what she's received thus far, and understands that getting married is about more than the loot you receive, especially from families with limited resources.

People need to get their priorities straight.

Fox

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 8:22 pm

Barbara wrote:

Fox, heaven help me, but I'm beginning to understand your POV on certain things.

And Black Sheep and I have been telling everyone to do teshuva now! Moshiach is obviously on his way -- she and I have agreed three times in the last week.

Smile

amother

Goldenrod

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 8:28 pm

OP here, sorry for the long delay before replying. You gave me a lot to think about. We are in Lakewood. I am a BT and DH was also not raised with these forced gifts.

amother wrote:

OP doesn't need to get the money. OP said in her opening post the money is available from tzedukah.

I didnt say the money is available from tzedaka - I asked a question - Do I also have to take money from tzedaka so she can have gift that is expected? I guess I just feel this is so wrong. Like watergirl said, how can she feel its a special gift from my son to her when everyone knows that its really from us, the parents, and that its given from a place of requirement?

I think you are all right. If she has a need to be like all of her friends, I dont want to be the cause of her feeling bad. We need to find something that looks respectable for her. Maybe this is the time for a gift with her name on it. Siddur? I dont want to buy jewelry that looks great and was cheap - Ive read too many posts here from girls who got fancy looking things and then learned it was silver and Swarovski. Rather than appreciating the thought that the gift came from a place of wanting to please the kallah when money was tight, there are girls who post like on this thread, I got a cheap gift, I got a family piece... the girsl DONT seem to be understanding that maybe money wasn't there then.

Is a personalized siddur ok? Must it be leather?

amother

Coral

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 8:29 pm

Barbara wrote:

It is momentous. It is as momentous to her as law school graduation. It is a major big deal to the girls in these circles. It is a right of passage.

OP never said the girl is chassidish, but if she is then every kallah is being asked about this.

In all likelihood your son will not be marrying into these circles. If however my son was engaged to a girl I didn't approve of I would not tell him to dump her. Halacha forbids this once a couple are engaged. Also that could make bigger problems long term if he told her about this and he didn't dump her.