Is your child safe?

marina

Mon, Apr 20 2015, 12:16 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

THANK YOU!!! I am so glad that at least a few people like you and Marina get it. Thumbs Up

Another thing to keep in mind - kids who are over protected will grow up to seek partners who are controlling and possibly emotionally abusive. They will naturally be drawn to someone who will tell them what to wear, how much to spend, where they can and cannot go, and who they can be friends with. Men will look for a "mommy", and girls will look for a jailer.

Being an over controlling parent sets your children up for very unhealthy relationship patterns until they get enough therapy to learn how to trust themselves and have their inner child grow up. They will have to learn to "parent themselves", because you kept them babies until they turned 18.

I think this is going too far. I don't think this parent is setting her kids up for abusive relationships. They may need more time to separate from mommy and learn independence, but not much more than that. My concern is more for the mom herself. It's really sad to live your life constantly afraid for your kids.

Fox

Mon, Apr 20 2015, 12:23 pm

100 percent with Marina on this!

Engaging in a lot of activities under constant supervision does not develop independence, resilience, or even the ability to entertain one's self. In fact, one of the biggest concessions to the dual curriculum of Jewish schools is the fact that kids (especially boys) have very little free time -- and thus are often remarkably inexperienced at enjoying their own company.

As for all the "stories" one hears, I'm increasingly convinced that "hears" is the operative word. By every estimate, most of our communities are safer than ever, but because of high-speed communication and availability of media outlets, bad news is amplified far beyond its statistical or even anecdotal value.

My dear parents, may they live and be well, are utterly convinced that the world is teeming with dangers both large and small. They are oblivious to the fact that leaving Fox News or CNN on 24 hours a day might be influencing their perception of risk.

The alternatives are not (a) be a helicopter parents; or (b) be utterly unconcerned with safety.

It's important to logically evaluate risks and adopt easy, cheap preventive measures with few unintended consequences. Bike helmets and seat belts/car seats are good examples.

But independence requires experience, ideally given in small, manageable doses. When safety practices significantly hinder a child's ability to get the experience needed to evaluate risks and solve problems, he/she is being handicapped in the name of safety.

Interesting analysis of the helicopter versus free-range debate: http://www.bloombergview.com/a.....nting

mommy3b2c

Mon, Apr 20 2015, 12:24 pm

marina wrote:

1. Saying a prayer in a car? If you are so terrified of stranger danger, you should be way more afraid of cars and you really should just walk everywhere.

2. Being scared of everything? That's why I feel bad for you. That's no way to live.

3. I'm sure you are a great mom in many ways. But parenting is hard enough, why make it harder by being petrified of everything.

1) I'm equally scared of stranger and of cars

2) so feel bad for me. Not for my kids. They're not scared of anything. (Well one is scared of the dark, and the other one of fire)

3) I'm sure your a great mom too. We can both be great moms without putting the other ones parenting down.

mommy3b2c

Mon, Apr 20 2015, 12:29 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

THANK YOU!!! I am so glad that at least a few people like you and Marina get it. Thumbs Up

I am not overly controlling in any way. I do not control what my kids wear, or who they are friends with. I give them choices on where they want to go, what they want to eat, what they like to read, etc... (All within limits, obviously) I let them choose their extra curricular activities and encourage them to hone their talents and strengths. I am not a helicopter parent. When we go to the beach or park I often sit on a bench and watch them from afar. They do not feel stifled, but they do feel safe. I am not putting down other peoples parenting, in not sure why people feel the need to put down mine.

marina

Mon, Apr 20 2015, 12:55 pm

Another point- and I have no idea if it applies to mommy2b2c at all - is that constantly supervising your kids is exhausting. Many parents who don't allow their kids to go outside end up entertaining them inside the house. These moms sometimes end up spending all their time on trying to figure out how to keep the kids happy and busy and at the end of the day- you feel like a truck ran over you. We need to find ways to make parenting easier not harder.

mommy3b2c

Mon, Apr 20 2015, 2:12 pm

marina wrote:

I completely agree with you! I work really hard! I don't let my kids ride their bikes in the park alone, so I have to take them to the park. When they go outside to play, I have to go with them. I spend a lot of time running after them. It is really exhausting! Since my kids are so fearless, they are always trying to do crazy things and since I don't hover over them, I have to run like the wind just to catch up with them. Even though I work really hard, I want them to have a good time, and I don't want to compromise their safety, so I come home exhausted.

saw50st8

Mon, Apr 20 2015, 2:28 pm

marina wrote:

I allowed them to cross the little streets around 8, after they showed over and over that they look both ways. At the same time I let them ride their bikes across those little streets, provided they wear helmets and walk their bikes across the street.

I strive to balance between helicopter and negligent. I'm a little helicoptery in that until 7 I expect my kids to hold one while we cross the street. At 7, they can cross next to me without holding on. By 8 (my oldest hasn't hit that), they can cross certain streets as long as they prove they can pay attention.

Contrast that to my childhood where at 6, I was crossing main roads and walking over a mile to my best friend's house. It was a much more rural area though :-)

I am surprised that someone wouldn't allow their 8 year old to play on the front porch. If the situation is so dire, it doesn't sound like a safe place to live.

etky

Mon, Apr 20 2015, 2:36 pm

[quote="saw50st8"]I strive to balance between helicopter and negligent. I'm a little helicoptery in that until 7 I expect my kids to hold one while we cross the street. At 7, they can cross next to me without holding on. By 8 (my oldest hasn't hit that), they can cross certain streets as long as they prove they can pay attention.

Contrast that to my childhood where at 6, I was crossing main roads and walking over a mile to my best friend's house. It was a much more rural area though :-)

I am surprised that someone wouldn't allow their 8 year old to play on the front porch. If the situation is so dire, it doesn't sound like a safe place to live.[/quote]

This is what shocked me too. Unless we're talking about a ghetto with constant shootouts and bullets ricocheting all over the place. Then I'd get it. And I'd move.

mommy3b2c

Mon, Apr 20 2015, 2:44 pm

[quote="etky"]

saw50st8 wrote:

You can all calm down. There are no bullets ricocheting. As I explained earlier, my porch is high and I am worried about them climbing and falling.

Barbara

Mon, Apr 20 2015, 2:54 pm

saw50st8 wrote:

We used to stand at the curb, and ask any passing adult to "cross" us. Although I must have been crossing streets at 8, because I was walking to school (technically with my brother, but he didn't exactly pay attention to me) by then. Of course, the streets were much less busy where I grew up than where I live now. I believe the current wisdom is no crossing streets until 9.

Its sort of like religion -- anyone to the left of me is a heathen (negligent parent); anyone to the right is crazy (helicopter mom). But there's some truth in it. IMNSHO, 4 year olds shouldn't be playing outside by themselves; and 14 year olds don't need mommy watching them at the park (honest; I have a friend who told me I'm a negligent mother because I let my high schooler play ball in the park with his friends, without adult supervision).

It's a gradual thing. I remember when we first started letting DS go to his friend J's house alone. I'd call J's mom -- he just left; let me know when he gets there. And she would. She did the same when J came to us. Then slowly, you don't. Just like at the park. At first you're right with your child. Then you watch from a short distance, then a longer one. Then you're a ways away, but still there. Next, they go alone, but you swing by after a while with fresh water and snacks. Finally, they're on their own. (But I always watch kids in the ocean if they go in above their knees.) Helicoptering at 4 doesn't mean the kid will not have substantial independence at 14.

Marina is right that the biggest risk isn't strangers. But there are plenty of other risks. Cars that don't stop for stop signs or lights. Strange dogs attacking (that happened to DS and a group of friends. Getting sick or falling or getting hit in the head with a bat (I was there for that one) or ball, which happens not infrequently.

mommy3b2c

Mon, Apr 20 2015, 3:03 pm

saw50st8 wrote:

If you are so worried about an 8 year old climbing and falling, it still sounds unsafe to live there.

If you have a toddler, you can lock the door and make sure he isn't climbing. An 8 year old can open doors and go out when you aren't watching.

No toddlers at the present.

My kids do open the door and go on the porch when I am not watching sometimes. Usually not, because they know they are not supposed to. I did not say my fear is not irrational. I'd still rather be safe then sorry.

mommy3b2c

Mon, Apr 20 2015, 3:06 pm

Barbara wrote:

There's also the ball rolling into the street and the kid running after it. Even a ten year old can forget themselves for a minute and go running after it. I'm not calling others neglectful, I would appreciate it if they stop insinuating that I'm ruining my children.

etky

Mon, Apr 20 2015, 3:08 pm

The thing is this: all kinds of terrible things can happen. And there are certain types of parents - myself included - that worry about all kinds of hypothetical dangers that, though possible, are in reality very far fetched. At some point you have to assess the situation objectively (it helps if you have a spouse who is more 'chilled' than you) and realize that you can't possibly cover all the bases w/o paralyzing your children and stunting their development. You can't let your fears get the better of you and hold your kids back. I'm a big talker. This is something I struggle with too. And my oldest DD just got her driver's license...

ora_43

Mon, Apr 20 2015, 5:49 pm

Barbara, great post.

I agree, it's a spectrum. And beyond the extremes, you can't make blanket rules. Some 8-year-old's are ready to walk around the neighborhood a bit alone, some aren't even ready to be at home alone behind locked doors for a few minutes.

mommy2b2c I think the criticism of you has been pretty unfair. But I think it's sort of a response to your first post, which had a kind of "parents who love their kids don't risk their safety" vibe to it (I'm not saying it was intentional, just that I can see how it could be read that way). Hence all the posts arguing for why sometimes a small degree of risk is necessary.

mommy3b2c

Mon, Apr 20 2015, 5:53 pm

ora_43 wrote:

Thanks Ora! Smile