What do I do at my upcoming simcha

amother

cornflower

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 9:16 am

glutenless wrote:

It's possible they had to cut down on their guest list to be able to afford a balabatish bar mitzvah. Or else, I don't meant to hurt you, but they may not consider you as close as you consider yourselves. Someone recently sent us an invitation to their child's wedding including the dinner, we were shocked. We really don't think we're such good friends with them, we know they have many friends and we're not sure why they invited us to the whole thing.

I don't think you have to worry so much about what other people did, just invite whoever you want to whatever you want. It's your simcha, you get to make the decisions. By their simcha, they get to decide.

I don't count their money. I am definitely not close to them. If I was making a kiddush in my hometown I would just invite them to kiddush only now. But my husband is nervous they might get insulted that they are not invited to the party even though they know there is no local kiddush. They are part of group that are real yentas.

Kitten

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 9:19 am

amother wrote:

Yes they might get insulted, especially if in their circle everyone sends invitations to everyone. But if they get an invitation it doesn't mean they will come.

Raisin

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 9:22 am

maybe it would be cheaper to make an additional kiddush in your hometown to avoid this issue? (doesn't need to be fancy, just sponsor a basic shul kiddush)

But, I do not think you need to feel bad not to invite people not close enough to you that they don't invite you to their simcha.

amother

cornflower

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 9:22 am

Kitten wrote:

Yes they might get insulted, especially if in their circle everyone sends invitations to everyone. But if they get an invitation it doesn't mean they will come.

They came last time and stayed the whole night.

Kitten

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 9:25 am

amother wrote:

They came last time and stayed the whole night.

If you think they will be offended, invite them and they will be the unwanted people you absolutely had to invite. I think Raisin has a good idea, made an additional Kiddush in your hometown, then only invite very close friends to the party.

amother

cornflower

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 9:27 am

Raisin wrote:

We thought about that idea. My shul unfortunately doesn't do that weekly basic kiddush that we would of gladly sponsored a week or two after his bar mitzvah. We have to go to a hall and hire a caterer and party planner to make the kiddush. That also means making a whole Shabbos out of it for the family.

Barbara

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 9:27 am

amother wrote:

We are sending out invitations iy"h very soon for my sons bar mitzvah. The Aliyah L'torah and kiddiush is in Eretz Yisroel and his party is in our hometown during the week. Lately we received many invitations for our friends/ Neighbors bar mitzvahs for kiddish only. We know for a fact they had a regular party during the week for friends and family. Are we supposed to invite them to our party during the week? Most of these people we invited them to our weekday party last time. And we keep on getting invitations to their sons kiddish only. What would you do?

I'm not sure what a "kiddush only" invitation is. In our shul, all kiddushes are open to the entire shul, so it would be kind of a meaningless invite.

In any case, stop worrying what they invited you to. If its someone you really like and care about, whom you would like at the simcha, and whom you can afford to invite, go for it. If not, forget it.

If you really need to consider who invited whom, they know that you didn't make the cut for the big party on THEIR list, so they should have no reason to expect they'll make yours, or be upset that they don't. They'll know that he's being called to the Torah in Israel.

And mazel tov.

amother

cornflower

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 9:33 am

Barbara wrote:

I'm not sure what a "kiddush only" invitation is. In our shul, all kiddushes are open to the entire shul, so it would be kind of a meaningless .

The shul where you daven automatically gets invited to kiddush after davening by announcement or email. But we have friends that daven in different Shuls that send us invitations to their kiddush. So we are talking about that group of people. Also some men tend to daven in one shul during the week and one shul on Shabbos.

Kitten

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 9:35 am

Barbara wrote:

I'm not sure what a "kiddush only" invitation is. In our shul, all kiddushes are open to the entire shul, so it would be kind of a meaningless invite.

I think because on the invitation card, you invite for the party, so it makes sense to say when the kiddush will be. I don't think I ever saw kiddush only invitation cards.

amother

cornflower

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 9:38 am

Kitten wrote:

I think because on the invitation card, you invite for the party, so it makes sense to say when the kiddush will be. I don't think I ever saw kiddush only invitation cards.

In our community usually the large card says where the Aliyah Latorah and kiddush is and the small card says where the party during the week is. So if you are only invited to the kiddush they don't include the small card and reply card.

sourstix

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 10:00 am

okay, I am so confused. wow I havent been so confused in a while. is it just me. or this whole things sounds so manmade confusion? you invite your close freinds and thats it. why cant you and your dh go out a week after the party. and by some marble cake some liquor, and some other small stuff not fancy and bring it to shul before shabbos and ask the shamash to put it on the table musaf time and you call it a kidush? will it be absolutely denied? if you ask before will they absolutely say no? its that simple. and to the party you call who ever you want. I had neighbors I was good with before I moved and they didnt invite me to any part of the simcha. pp just dont have the money. pp like to make simchas small. its more personal. I think. I havent made barmitzva yet. pp you arent good with enough to call to your simcha you dont invite its that simple. I dont think pp have ashortage of simchas to go to. they will be happy to have a night to themselves. as I feel.

amother

cornflower

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 10:30 am

sourstix wrote:

why cant you and your dh go out a week after the party. and by some marble cake some liquor, and some other small stuff not fancy and bring it to shul before shabbos and ask the shamash to put it on the table musaf time and you call it a kidush? will it be absolutely denied? if you ask before will they absolutely say no? its that simple. and to the party you call who ever you want.

The answer is "no"
There were people in shul that absolutely couldn't afford to make a kiddush in the past that they did not allow them to do it. I have no problem doing that with herring, kugel and cholent if the shul allowed. And let the men enjoy themself.

amother

cornflower

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 10:40 am

OP here. I apologize for the confusion and I thank you for all the help. If we were not making the kiddush in Israel and making the kiddush in our hometown we would not be running into this issue. But we are trying to make the simcha for our child to be happy.

gumby

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 10:51 am

I believe you have answered your own question. You don't want to invite them to the party so don't . You don't want to insult them or actually your husband doesn't want to insult them . In this case I don't know if they will be - they might just think we didn't invite them to our party so they are reciprocating .If you are concerned that they do not know the kiddush is in Israel then make sure it is a the shul email Wishing your family a MaZel tov for the bar mitzvah being celebrated in Israel. Even if they don't daven in your shul regularly they might get the shul emails or have friends who will inform them.
Stop stressing and enjoy the simcha

mummiedearest

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 10:53 am

op, when neighbors/acquaintances of ours made simchas in Israel, they sent invites to everyone they would normally invite to the overseas event. no one expected to actually go. sending the invitation was a polite gesture acknowledging that we invite each other to simchas, but no one is obligated to actually travel. if you're worried and don't want them at the friends-only event, send an invite to the Israel event. they won't show up on a whim.

hotmom

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 10:59 am

amother wrote:

We thought of the dessert buffet option but they will probably get insulted if they show up and find out others were invited to the dinner buffet also.

Why should they feel insulted? It's way better than not inviting them at all. After all, you claim they made party without inviting you. So this is a great option. I've been to many such simchas where I was invited to lechaim after meal. It's not always feasable to have everyone for the meal, it's expensive.

wifenmother

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 11:14 am

hotmom wrote:

Same here. I've been invited for dessert after the meal at many bar mitzvas and have friends and family that did the same as they did not make a kiddish for women. I view it as an opportunity to come say Mazel Tov and join in their simcha - I wouldn't expect all of my neighbors and friends from shul to have me for the meal. Every individual can choose whether or not to be insulted, but you do not have to take that into account. Many people downgrade after their first son's bar mitzva or do things differently each time.

Good luck in your decision making!

Lani22

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 11:49 am

I would send them the invite to the kiddush in israel and ze hu. These people came to your previous weekday party and then did not reciprocate. Why would they even expect to be invited to your party?

amother

cornflower

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 1:01 pm

I just have to decide by tomorrow the latest if we should do the dessert buffet since I need to order invitations for it or just send invite for the kiddush which they definitely won't attend.