Sister marrying out

musicmom

Mon, Apr 27 2015, 1:18 pm

I think it is really beautiful that you are willing to go to the wedding and that you love your sister so much, and value your relationship so deeply. I don't think the event was posted on Shabbos to slight you. It is funny, but when Jews do not keep Shabbat, they might not be as aware as we are about scheduling things, even if they are family members. It is great that you don't have a mentor because that way you can do what is best for you! Good luck.

Miri7

Mon, Apr 27 2015, 2:07 pm

Find a hotel in walking distance, or a rental on airbnb. We've done that for family simchas from our non jewish family. We attend while keeping Shabbat. If there is no eruv there then we stash the things we need at the venue. You can hire a non jewish sitter to meet you and push the stroller (there are some subtleties to hiring someone to do work on Shabbat that you should look into).

amother

Brown

Mon, Apr 27 2015, 2:58 pm

I was in a similar situation. One of my sisters married out. I was sad about it but it's her choice and we are very close. I wanted to help her organize her simcha, so I really helped her a lot. She agreed to make it after Shabbat, mainly for me because I would probably be one of the only shomer Shabbat relatives to come. The people in our community weren't fond of her marrying out. But I thought it would be important for me to come. She suddenly decided to change plans and it was going to be in the middle of Shabbat day. I resented it. How could she do that after we had agreed it would be after Shabbat and after all I did for her? Of course, maybe she was pressured by her in-laws who really hated the idea of me being around. Or any other reason. Anyway, I came at the end of the simcha, after Shabbat, with a few other relatives.
I don't know if this can help you, but it's just to tell you that you are not the only one facing difficult choices.

sourstix

Mon, Apr 27 2015, 3:18 pm

[quote="amother"].

Oh puhleeze. Because after becoming BT I only maintain relationships with people based solely on them being Jewish? She is my family, my little sister. We are very close and talk almost every day. I don't exactly approve of her relationship with this guy but there's nothing for me to do. I can just be nice and loving and show her by example the light in the Torah way of life. I tried talking to her about intermarriage issues a while back, it fell on deaf ears. She is living her own life and that's that... It is a fact that her children will be Jewish. I am trying to make an effort to come to her wedding because I don't want to cause any tension between us, tension that could potentially have an impact on our relationship years down the line. I care for her and for any future Jewish neshamas she may bring into the world. I am trying to exercise caution and have respect for her feelings. So where exactly am I wrong in caring for our relationship and that of her future family's? Really, I resent the comment above. Just so immature and lacking any true insight into the matter.[/quote]o

as frum jews, we need to try to keep other jews faithful to yiddishkeit. its one of our mitzvos. its a chov, it doesnt mean the relationship is solely based on that. but to us a yiddishe neshama is precious. and we do whatever it takes to bring it back. obviously the fact that its your sister just makes it even more painful to you. it makes it harder. shes your sister. one has nothing to do with the other. if someone says that comment it doesnt mean that you should drop your sister. it just shows that a yiddishe neshama is precious. nothing personal here. or dont be nice to her bec shes not frum and the relationship isnt worth it. thats not what was ment here. whoever thinks this way doesnt understand this concept.

PinkFridge

Mon, Apr 27 2015, 8:59 pm

amother wrote:

Another person. OT, but I'm a BT and I find that comment offensive. Why would I have a mentor? I became frum totally on my own, attended a frum school, and never needed a mentor. Why is it assumed that someone mentored you just because you're a BT?

7 other people disagreed with the poster, who I just realized now is NOT OP. I have to remember to look at the colors. Sorry.
Meanwhile, you 7 people, apologies for insulting and patronizing. Can you elaborate re your situations?

amother

Sienna

Mon, Apr 27 2015, 9:17 pm

OP please speak to a Rav. Even though she is your sister and you love her and want to be there for her, it is really not so pashut to go...you must speak to a Rav about this.
Good luck!
(and yes, there are stories of couples breaking up during engagement time. It's not common but it happens. So there is some hope...)

vintagebknyc

Mon, Apr 27 2015, 10:01 pm

amother wrote:

I'm sure the OP is going to do the best she can to keep shomer shabbas and a kep relationship with her sister. your post is offensive.

chani8

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 3:58 am

Of course you can go to the wedding and enjoy yourself, too. There is nothing to feel bad about. Work on your hashkafa, not your religious one, but your personal beliefs about family.

Just because orthodoxy is right for you, doesn't mean it's right for everyone. We're all human with our differences.

You probably ought to just keep religion out of your relationship with her. Other than, she needs to accommodate your needs for shobbos observance. You can manage the kosher by yourself.

And use all leniencies possible to make it easy enough to observe shobbos while rejoicing with her on her wedding day, if it's on shobbos. Use a prepaid taxi, etc, if need be.

imasoftov

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 6:42 am

amother wrote:

Esther Jungreis never too late if you can convince her to go she reaches into you so deeply and sincerely - sometimes it doesn't work right away but eventually they get the message

I wonder, do the people who go this way tell the family member "I'm taking you to talk to someone who will talk you into breaking up with your finance(e)"? Or do they lie about the purpose of the visit?

Does it ever backfire? If someone took me to someone who they thought could inspire me to do something that I don't feel is necessary (I'm not giving an example to avoid getting comments about whatever practice I might use as one) I would be less than pleased. If they were upfront about the reason for the visit I would probably just refuse to go, and if they got me to speak to them under false pretenses I might never speak to them again.

DrMom

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 7:40 am

chani8 wrote:

The reason we shouldn't marry out sounds very racist anyway. That's supposed to convince someone to break up with their fiance and become frum?

I can find many reasons for *NOT* (<-- edited to add this word. oops!) marrying out which are not racist. But I don't know if these reasons will resonate with someone who has no interest in being an observant Jew.

Last edited by DrMom on Tue, Apr 28 2015, 2:41 pm; edited 1 time in total

chani8

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 7:47 am

DrMom wrote:

I can find many reasons for marrying out which are not racist. But I don't know if these reasons will resonate with someone who has no interest in being an observant Jew.

I can't think of even one reason that would sound acceptable to a non-observant jew. I don't know if the appropriate term is racism, but it's some kind of 'ism'. If I was catholic saying don't marry that jew, what would I be?

DrMom

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 7:53 am

chani8 wrote:

=If I was catholic saying don't marry that jew, what would I be?

Are you a Catholic saying "Don't marry a Jew" or "Only marry another Catholic?"

Maybe you might be a devout Catholic who wants to raise a Catholic family and celebrate holidays and worship the same way as her Catholic husband?

Endogamy is not = racism anymore than Zionism = racism.

chani8

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 8:01 am

DrMom wrote:

I've never heard of the term endogamy. I get it now, thank you! So if I hold 'only marry another jew', that would make me an endogamist?! lol.

PinkFridge

Tue, Apr 28 2015, 8:26 am

chani8 wrote:

Don't assume because other people got heteirim that you will too. Find a rav who is experienced in this situations and find out what will apply to you. Meanwhile, I can offer you my tefillos for you and your family when I say sim shalom, that your family maintain the shalom you have and that you have true inner peace with how this plays out because you know you will have done everything appropriately.