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-> Parenting our children
-> Preschoolers
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amother
Maroon
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 Mon, Nov 02 2015, 6:35 pm
My daughter is in kindergarten, the teacher always tells me how my child is easygoing and well behaved. She is very articulate and repeats incidents with extreme detail. So I pretty much believe her versions of things based on how she tells over stories that I have witnessed.
Story 1. One day she came home with her palm colored with marker. I asked her why is her hand so dirty, she said she was coloring her parshah sheet and the girl next to her wanted that marker. She said ok and started putting the cover back on, the girl grabbed it out of her hand and hit her. She got up and told the teacher and the teacher said she should go tell the girl to say I'm sorry. So she did.
Story 2. She came with her jacket completely covered in chalk. I asked her what happened. She said a girl from the other class was coloring on the railing, so she said we aren't supposed to color on there so the girl colored on her jacket. She told the teacher who said oh its no big deal chalk comes off.
Both stories disturb me. I taught my child to never fight back and to go find an adult to help her. I feel like in both instances the teacher should have approached the girl and said/done something. Especially the one where she was hit. Am I wrong for not liking the teachers reaction?
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amother
Slateblue
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Mon, Nov 02 2015, 6:41 pm
I'm a teacher and I can say that while this teacher may have said something along the lines of what your daughter said, there could have been a lot that she left out. Young children tell the main part of the story but usually miss important parts.
I'm not saying your daughter is not telling the truth, it just might be what she thinks is truth but there's more to the story.
I think you should contact the teacher, to be sure, but don't do it in an accusing way. Just tell her your concerns of what happened with the other students.
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amother
Powderblue
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Mon, Nov 02 2015, 7:41 pm
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This must be your oldest child, am I right?
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amother
Maroon
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Mon, Nov 02 2015, 7:50 pm
| amother wrote: | | This must be your oldest child, am I right? |
No you are not, and how exactly is that relevant?
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amother
Powderblue
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Mon, Nov 02 2015, 7:56 pm
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Sorry, I know that with my oldest, I used to make a big deal out of every little thing that happened in school. Now, with my other children, I look past the little issues. But maybe that's just me.
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trixx
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Mon, Nov 02 2015, 8:04 pm
Speak to the teacher and say what you said here. My daughter loves your class and I see how much she is growing etc. Lately she's told me of 2 incidents and I want to hear your side of the story to make sure I have it clear esp as I taught her to always seek an adult
Teacher may have either not seen what happened or may have dealt with other child separately later
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amother
Maroon
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Mon, Nov 02 2015, 8:22 pm
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The plan is to speak to the teacher, but I wanted to know what everyone else thought of how it was handled.
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STMommy
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Mon, Nov 02 2015, 8:29 pm
Hi Maroon
I think you don't actually know the "it" in how "it" was handled. I also have extremely bright and articulate children - and they misunderstand/misinterpret things all the time. Hear the teacher's response to your question of what happened and how it was handled and then we can weigh in.
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imasinger
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Mon, Nov 02 2015, 8:52 pm
In the first story, it sounds as if the teacher encouraged your DD to stand up for herself and ask for an apology. And that DD did so, and got one.
That may be the nicest thing a teacher can do. Your strategy of involving a grownup in every altercation may ultimately make your DD into more of a victim, not less of one. It works for preK, but as they grow, expectations change. There are books and studies about the importance of teaching children to stand up for themselves, rather than relying on adults to rescue them all the time.
In the second story, it sounds like your DD was policing a peer. In general, that's not wise. While the girl's revenge ought to have been addressed further, maybe the teacher was concerned about the social dynamic. It would be helpful to find out more.
I hope your meeting with the teacher is productive.
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observer
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Mon, Nov 02 2015, 9:10 pm
I can't say what happened without having been there, but the more recent trend in early childhood education is to involve the children in conflict resolution, rather than the teacher just coming and reprimanding the offending party based on hearsay.
Of course that doesn't mean having children fend for themselves, but it seems like the fix you were looking for is kind of old school.
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amother
Maroon
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Mon, Nov 02 2015, 9:13 pm
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Verbally she stands up for herself and doesn't involve an adult. But what is she supposed to do when being hit or colored on? I told her to never touch anyone and it kinda leaves her vulnerable. What do you teach your children to do in the case of a physical altercation?
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cm
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Mon, Nov 02 2015, 9:20 pm
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Don't get too worked up until you hear the teacher's version of what happened.
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amother
Violet
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Mon, Nov 02 2015, 9:31 pm
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My daughter is a little klutzy when it comes to. Fighting. She's always crying cause she's the one getting hit, she doesnt know how to fight! I taught her that she has to learn how to fight back, she can't let herself be picked on.
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mfb
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Mon, Nov 02 2015, 9:32 pm
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I think you have to hear the teachers side as kids can sometimes leave out part of what they did when they retell a story.
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amother
Maroon
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Mon, Nov 02 2015, 9:33 pm
| amother wrote: | | My daughter is a little klutzy when it comes to. Fighting. She's always crying cause she's the one getting hit, she doesnt know how to fight! I taught her that she has to learn how to fight back, she can't let herself be picked on. |
So you tell her to hit back?
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MagentaYenta
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Mon, Nov 02 2015, 9:33 pm
| amother wrote: | | My daughter is a little klutzy when it comes to. Fighting. She's always crying cause she's the one getting hit, she doesnt know how to fight! I taught her that she has to learn how to fight back, she can't let herself be picked on. |
Are you talking physical fights or verbal altercations?
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amother
Lavender
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Mon, Nov 02 2015, 9:35 pm
OP, I agree with you that children should not hit/fight back. But, most schools have no way of handling the bullies like that one that bullied your daughter by hitting /coloring on her...
I think this is probably what happened and I believe with children that consistently behave llike this, the administrators should "step in" and decide on consequences that are usually beyond the teachers' control/authority...
I had these type of things with my children, and anything I did to make an issue of the bullying was used against me especially when it was the son of the board member!!
However, one time a child of my DH's friend used to hit my son and we did not have the courage to tell his parents!! But, the school did nothing but move his seat (which did not help during recess time)
Now, my son fights back because he realized that you will get "stepped on " if you dont fight back. The disgusting thing about it is that, his teacher called me to tell me my son was fighting and I was saying that he was defending himself because he told you (the teacher ) many times and nothing was done. The teacher did not care what I said and made my son look bad by sending him to the principal's office. She should have been that strict with the original bully who bothered my son!!
I think this is just how the school systems(Jewish and nonJewish) are!You are going to get bullied more likely if you dont fight back. If you say something, nobody listens. Then, if you fight back to defend yourself, you get in trouble!!
I think the source of this problem is that nobody knows what to do with bulllies. What is a good consequence to make that bully stop hitting/teasing/touching...
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amother
Cyan
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Mon, Nov 02 2015, 9:56 pm
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I don't think you should necessarily teach your child to "fight back", but putting her in a situation where she needs to find an adult and the adult solves the problem is teaching her to ba a victim and not problem-solve for herself.
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lfab
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Tue, Nov 03 2015, 2:35 pm
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I agree that from your daughter's version of the story it sounds like the teacher didn't do enough. But it's not necessarily the whole story. The teacher might have been trying to reassure her and didn't want her to get upset. However, the teacher might have later gone over to the other child and spoken to them about the incident and your child wouldn't know about that.
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Dandelion1
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Tue, Nov 03 2015, 9:12 pm
I would let these incidents go. I personally would not speak to the teacher because these issues sound very nitpicky and I'd be reluctant to have the teacher/school mentally label me that way. IMO, it's better to save your credibility for the possibility of a more significant issue down the line.
The version you are getting from your dd could be very skewed.... Not intentionally dishonest, but just a representation from her limited perspective. I partially say that because in both cases, the behavior that she reports on the part of the other child sounds really off. She was passing the marker but the other child grabbed and hit her anyway? Another child just stood there drawing on her jacket until it was completely covered with chalk? It just seems a little unlikely that that is exactly how it happened....
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