Rechnitz speech brought something ignored to the surface

imorethanamother

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 2:27 pm

Every woman says how much they value middos over and over. If that's the case, what happens to these same women when their children need to get married? Then suddenly we need resumes and fact checking and is she pretty?

I agree with everyone - middos are taught by the parents. When my son wanted to exclude a child because he has a lot of social problems, I insisted he continue to be his friend. It's cost him a lot of social friendships and I worry about that, but I know it's the right thing to do. Do we teach that to our children?

Heyaaa

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 2:48 pm

imorethanamother wrote:

Resumes accomplish two things. One it reminds the shadchan who you are. Second, the frum world has gotten really big so if you hear a name and you see on the resume that she went to this camp and her father works there, it gives her more of an identity and then if you happen to know someone who went to camp and is the same age and someone who works in her fathers office, you can call and get a good idea if this girl is right for your son. And even if you don't know anyone in common, which is highly unlikely, there's always references listed so there's always someone to call.

The main goal in shidduchim, in my experience, is that we find out if the person makes sense from a logical standpoint before deciding if they make sense from an emotional standpoint. The benefit of this is that fewer feelings are hurt and that you don't waste your time getting close to someone who doesn't share your values.

I do think sending pix of the girl is totally degrading but I don't think there are any bad intentions with the resume. I think it's just a convenience to give the girl an identity.

amother

Periwinkle

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 3:09 pm

I hope I instill the proper middos in my kids.

I recently took a bus. It is a private bus from one neighborhood to the other. I had my 2 year old with me. When I got on the bus was full. Mostly teachers going to teach. Sad to say that I stood the whole way. With my daughter in my arms. And nobody stood up for me. And most of these teachers were girls. Not marrieds who might be pregnant. After seeing this I am sorry to say, I came home thinking that if we leave the chinuch of middos to the teachers, these are your teachers. I really wanted to call the school where they taught to let them know.

But that day I really saw who is teaching my kids middos. And no. We cannot rely on the schools.

Anon cuz I ranted about this too much.

PinkFridge

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 3:30 pm

gold21 wrote:

My boys school has a middos program. They emphasize middos a lot. Still, I see that at the end of the day, they pick up on my actions and words a lot more than on the middos program. If I (and my husband) model good middos- kindness, empathy, openmindedness, flexibility, etc- I think the odds are better that my kids will hopefully pick that up. I hope. IYH.

My elementary school had a middos program, but I attribute a lot of my nature (my strengths and weaknesses) to my upbringing, and very little of it to the middos program.

I agree with you, yet I don't think such programs are useless. And the immediate short term results aren't the only results.

gold21

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 3:48 pm

amother wrote:

I totally agree with you. You had a child with you, and therefore it was very rude that you were not offered a seat. At the very least, someone should have offered your 2 year old a seat so u wouldnt have to carry her. So, yes, I hear you.

Your story brought back an interesting memory. I once attended a speech, when I was 18 or 19. I came on time (just barely though-lol.) A chassidishe woman came after me, she came like 10 minutes late. All the seats were taken. I glanced at her. She appeared to me about my age, perhaps a year or two older. Newly married looking. Not visibly pregnant. I did not offer her my seat.

As it happens, I am not good at standing for lengths of time. I have no idea why. Im not overweight nor do I have any real explanation for this phenomonon, but I always get super-restless when I have to stand for more than a few minutes. So. I ask you. I should have offered this woman- who was about my age- my seat, because she was married and I was a "girl"?

Anyway, like 2 minutes later, a chassidishe rebbetzin type (significantly older than me) dashed in to rectify the situation, and urged the young women around my age to give up their seats to the married women. I was quite put off by that.

shoshanim999

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 4:30 pm

I thought it was a nice speech. I don't want to take away credit from the man but how is this groundbreaking? As if we didn't know that Lakewood has children that can't find a school? This is old news. And the fact that he's calling them out on it means....NOTHING! If he says " I will not contribute one penny to any yeshiva in Lakewood until the very last child has a place" that's saying something. But since he didn't say that and in fact specifically stated that he would continue to be in Lakewood for another 6 weeks, I can only assume that while he is calling them out on it, he is still supporting them. Secondly, what kind of nonsense was he talking about when he said that he is supporting yeshivas that wouldn't let his own children in??? That's baloney on the highest level! We all know that if he would apply to any school smack in the middle of the school year his kid would have a place the next morning. Why make a comment like that?

myself

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 5:11 pm

I find that the boys do learn about middos in cheder but there must be carryover at home. One of my sons is actually doing a middos project this year. Every few weeks they focus on another middah, they learn about it, have charts, need to undertake a kaballa in that area etc. I'm really pleased about it.

The thing is that many children leave what they learn in their school desks, so to speak. They see it as some nice theoretical value just like much of their learning is theoretical. It is imperative for parents to educate their children, to talk about what good behaviour looks like, and most importantly to model good behaviour. It's okay to talk about your struggles with a specific middah, let them see that it's a daily part of your life. They need to feel that it's something that you expect of them.

solo

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 5:28 pm

So mr rechnitz made a speech and addressed a huge problem occurring in Lakewood. and the problem is occurring because of a new set of Ani ma'amin aka middos.
Are there any middos that dictate decency in conflict resolution? Before publicly criticizing an entire community would it not be common decency to address these issues privately? Perhaps a few goal oriented meetings, or a focus group dedicated to this mater could bring about some change.
Instead he publicly called everyone out, and left them with no concrete plans for resolving the issues.
To me airing your grievances in public with out providing any direction or initiative seems misguided at best.

Maya

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 5:36 pm

shoshanim999 wrote:

I don't know him or anything about, but perhaps his hashkafos are more to the left than that of Lakewood? Or maybe because he's not a kollel guy?

amother

Cerise

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 6:01 pm

solo wrote:

I would agree with you but that has been done for years and we only have some small improvements.

Of course the other big problem which you have in many other communities the inability to deal with the KA"H big population growth. Parents should register their children when they are 18 months this will give the schools the time to up the infrastructure. Nine months before the school year is not enough time to plan.

solo

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 6:41 pm

amother wrote:

I would agree with you but that has been done for years and we only have some small improvements.

So mr rechnitz has been discussing these issues privately, with members of the yeshivos and community, for years, and only cared to publicly share criticism and frustration, and none of the small improvements that have occurred? In all those years were none of the community members, gedolei hayeshiva, or this great business man able to come up with any concrete ideas for moving forward to improve the situation. If that is the case it might be time for him to use his resources to bring in outside help.
I can't know what goes on behind closed doors. But I do know what he shared publicly. And the content of his speech included criticizing an entire community and it yeshivos, without any indication of even small advancements. To me that does not speak of a man with great people skills aka middos of bein Adam l' chavero

amother

Amber

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 6:45 pm

solo wrote:

I can't know what goes on behind closed doors. But I do know what he shared publicly. And the content of his speech included criticizing an entire community and it yeshivos, without any indication of even small advancements. To me that does not speak of a man with great people skills aka middos of bein Adam l' chavero

Much like the school leaders of Lakewood...

sky

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 7:04 pm

gold21 wrote:

Sounds like an experience my friend had. I once met a friend at a community speech and she was very upset. We were both 30. She was not married. She had come early to the speech and she got a seat toward the front. Someone asked her to stand up to give her seat to married women and someone about 5 years younger then her took the seat. She was really upset that just because she isn't married she isn't deserving of a seat. (I can see that if someone is holding a baby it can make a difference but I'm not sure that unmarried women have to rise just because someone is married).

amother

Azure

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 7:11 pm

Not only that, but this was done at an event which was supposed to be honoring the founder and supporter of 7 prominent schools in Lakewood .
Talk about knowing ones place and middos... He totally was mivazeh the administrations of all of these schools at an event that was supposedd to be michazeik them!!!

All I hear from ppl that attended, my dh included, is how they feel angered at what happened! They went out in treterous and dangerous driving conditions to show hakaras ha tov to someone who set up schools that are educating our children and instead they went to see these same mosdis be slammed, at their own event!! It takes nerve and selfishness to do this. Everything has a time and place... But this was way out of line!!!

sourstix

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 7:43 pm

solo why was your dh upset? he is giving thousands and thousands of dollars to support all these mosdos. if he gives money he should have a say in how they treat the pp that are applying.

you know what they say"ver es hut di maya hut di daya" if you have money you have a say.

and you dont think he has a point? read whats going on from imamother. its hairasing! its despicable. how can a jew act this way? do you believe hashem holds accountability for every action? I am speaking to the mosdos of yeshivas. is this torah they think?

EVERY WORD HE SAID HAD SO MUCH PAIN IN IT. I ACTUALLY FELT IT. ITS TIME SOMEONE SPEAKS UP FOR THE ONES WHO HAVE NO VOICE"

thank you r' shlomo rechnitz. its time someone speaks what others are feeling.

Last edited by sourstix on Wed, Jan 27 2016, 7:47 pm; edited 1 time in total

naturalmom5

Wed, Jan 27 2016, 7:47 pm

amother wrote:

Perhaps your dh and everyone in his circle never learned
A big yesod in life
You take money from someone , how much more so. If its enormous sums of $
YOU ARE THEY'RE ....IT RHYMES WITH RICH...
Take it like a man...