Help me decide to push my child ahead or leave back

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Preschoolers

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amother

Natural

Sun, Mar 27 2016, 12:07 pm

Cutoff by us is December 1st. My dd is born December 19. I am pushing ahead next year for kindergarten and spoke to school if I need I am having her repeat kindergarten.

amother

Saddlebrown

Sun, Mar 27 2016, 12:15 pm

I put up my first few boys as they were ready not just academically but socially and emotional as well. They were quite bored after 2 years preschool. My third son I kept down for a third year of preschool. Although he was bored in preschool and in most of pre1A it was best for him emotionally.

amother

Goldenrod

Sun, Mar 27 2016, 12:18 pm

If they say she's good either way I would hold her back. I have found that when a kid is REALLY ready they recommend moving them up and don't give options. She may be academically ready but socially it's a whole different story.

amother

Periwinkle

Sun, Mar 27 2016, 12:29 pm

This is making me think... My eldest is 2 now. December birthday. Cutoff is November or so... I wasn't going to enroll in a real school this year (when she will be almost 3) but wait for next when she is almost 4.
Any ideas about this? Is this considered holding back?

yOungM0mmy

Sun, Mar 27 2016, 1:50 pm

Our school cutoff date is august 31, my DD is born September 3, and we pushed her up. She had spent the whole year before with kids who were going up, and was !more than able to keep up. All her teachers said she would be bored doing kindergarten again, and we did an assessment which showed she was in the top age group in all areas - problem solving, personal, social, emotional, etc. I preferred to put her up now and hold her back later if needed, rather than push her up later and she misses a whole set of skills that they would have learned in whatever year she missed. I also didn't want her to be oldest and top of the class, I was middle of the class age wise, but top of the class academically by quite a distance, and because I never had to work I developed very lazy and last minute study habits. So far she is in the top group for maths and English reading, top of the middle group for Hebrew reading, gas made friends not only from her grade but also from other grades and is doing well in all areas, definitely the right decision for now.

amother

Turquoise

Sun, Mar 27 2016, 1:59 pm

I am a Principal. And I recommend moving them up - rather than holding them back. It is better for their self esteem. Leaving them back is easier for the teachers.

amother

Cobalt

Sun, Mar 27 2016, 2:00 pm

I have two November children. One is not old enough for school yet but will probably go in the correct class. Cutoff is December 31.

My November DS is now in 2nd grade. He is very very bright and at the top of the class, even though he's more than a year younger than some classmates (who were kept back). Academically I know I made the right decision - he would be extremely bored if we'd kept him back and he's not the type to sit quietly and behave if he's not being challenged enough. Socially he's having a hard time, but I believe that it's more of a personality thing than an age-related thing.

Overall I'm glad we put him in the correct class, but sometimes there's a tiny bit of doubt in the back of my mind... but his teachers all say that he is where he belongs.

amother

Blush

Sun, Mar 27 2016, 2:08 pm

My gut reaction as a teacher and mother- keep them back! If you have any hesitation, it's better to have them be "bored" for a little bit, but it will beneficial in the long run.
As a teacher it is very difficult to have a child repeat. Evenso, for the benefit of my students (the year before first grade) I am inisiting that 2 of my students repeat.
As a mother, I regret not holding my own child back (I was not her teacher). She is in third grade and still trying to catch up. I had her tested, and the only conclusion was that she is young and trying to catch up.

amother

Orange

Sun, Mar 27 2016, 2:25 pm

This is my experience. Hope it helps in some way.
A child should be learning and discovering at any age level or class. The teacher should stimulate the weakest and the strongest. And the average.
Although my kids were often way ahead of their age group in learning skills I never pushed them ahead. A well stimulated emotionally happy child will intellectually develop himself . a child pushed will loose somewhere.
My child is a month before borderline but still of the youngest. I was thinking of keeping child back so that would be the oldest. The school didn't agree as child was intellectually ahead and tight with group of friends. I try not to 'fix' problems that don't actually exist so I left it as is. Child def struggled with first grade requirements at begining, more than my other kids. And would have certainly enjoyed another year of preschool. Now I see it as my goal to help child acclimate. And child's doing great thank G-D.

amother

Tangerine

Sun, Mar 27 2016, 2:27 pm

My parents pushed me ahead, and always regretted it. My mom says I came home from the first day of 1st grade crying because "there are no toys in first grade." I was always the youngest in my class and I think I was also always very immature. I'm not sure that extra year would have made such a difference though- could have been personality. But my mom seemed pretty sure she'd made a mistake.

seeker

Sun, Mar 27 2016, 4:31 pm

If you can go either way I'd prefer to go with the younger class. Someone has to be the youngest in the class but it doesn't need to be yours. Schools these days push kids academically much more than they should, but developmentally the longer you let them play the better it is for them. And if they ever aren't developmentally ready for what they are learning, the effects can be very damaging even if you leave them back to catch up, they aren't going to forget that feeling of not getting it when really they had no reason to need to get it at that time in the first place.

I had to push my child ahead because for various reasons the younger class was just not an appropriate placement for her, but I get so sad looking at how much work time and how little play time she is getting at such a tender age. Both Hebrew and English homework most days, maybe they shouldn't be doing that for anyone but at the very least I wish it would wait another year. But she was very precocious and the kids in the incoming class were babies, and she was actually already expressing boredom with not learning enough new things in preschool (I told you she was precocious... I didn't even think she knew what boredom was. But she came home from pre-k whining "We're learning colors AGAIN! I always knew colors and we did them in nursery last year and now we're doing colors AGAAAAIN!") so I felt like I didn't have a choice. I don't even think the school would have allowed it.

amother

Puce

Sun, Mar 27 2016, 4:34 pm

I am a teacher and I can honestly say that in all of my years of teaching, I can remember many students that were pushed ahead and were socially unsuccessful in the earlier years and none that were "held back and bored". Parents always claim, "I know he is bright and I didn't want him to be bored." Academically, these children may have been bright, rarely gifted, but socially, they suffered. A teacher has the obligation to reach each student. A student who needs more academic stimulation is easier to help than a student who is immature. I think that students who are older in the class generally have an edge.
This is a very generalized opinion though.

esther11

Sun, Mar 27 2016, 7:11 pm

I personally am a November bday and was one of the youngest in my grade. Worked out very well for me BH. Never had a problem socially or academically. I think it really depends on the child, if they are academically, socially, and emotionally ready.
IMO, for boys it's better to be held back/the oldest in the class because of the importance placed on sports (not that they must be good at sports to succeed, but if a child is physically a full year behind in development it can make a difference during recess when all his classmates are playing basketball!). For a girl though I think you have to see where your dd is holding.

WhatFor

Sun, Mar 27 2016, 8:04 pm

In his book "Outliers", Malcolm Gladwell had a section on this. I read it a long while ago, but if I recall correctly, I think the older the child was when starting school, the higher rate of success in life they had generally. There are practical reasons for this. Children's brains are drastically different at 3, at 3.5, and at 4, and are capable of doing different things. So if you have a 4 year old brain competing with a 3 year old brain, the 4 year old may seem smarter. Kids notice who needs help in class, and who is doing everything themselves. 3 year old then feels less adequate from a very young age, while 4 year old goes through life feeling fully capable, if you get what I'm saying. (I think that's only part of it.) It probably varies by child, but that's the general rule. (Another thing is sports is a bigger thing outside of yeshivas, and obviously if your kid is the youngest, he or she may not be as competitive as the others in their class, but that may not be something that would affect your child, depending on the school.)

Here's a NY Times article related to that study, that I highly recommend you read, just for some more perspective.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08.....?_r=0

tweety1

Sun, Mar 27 2016, 9:21 pm

My 9th grade sil was pushed ahead from nursery to pre 1a. She was supposedly all ready for it. In first grade my mil regretted like crazy and put her back down. She missed out a year of playing and being a little kid. She couldnt handle the first grade kind of rules yet.

amother

Forestgreen

Sun, Mar 27 2016, 9:24 pm

I have two November children. My first I held back, because she had other delays. She is a very bright child and sometimes I feel like she is smarter and more socially inept than her classmates. However, I have no idea what kind of student she will be in the future, so I am happy she has a buffer. If everyone else is holding their kids back, why shouldn't I?

I still didn't make a decision about my next child, but I am leaning towards holding back too.

the world's best mom

Sun, Mar 27 2016, 9:45 pm

amother wrote:

I am a Principal. And I recommend moving them up - rather than holding them back. It is better for their self esteem. Leaving them back is easier for the teachers.

How is it better for their self esteem? Can you explain?

Personally, I think leaving them back is usually easier for the kid too, not just for the teacher. I'm not a fan of pushing ahead.

goodmorning

Sun, Mar 27 2016, 9:59 pm

WhatFor wrote:

Actually, Gladwell's point was that children who are older tend to be more academically successful compared to their younger peers, and the disparity is compounded when they are tracked and placed into different reading/math groups, where those who are succeeding academically advance even quicker and even further. This is comparable to his study of Canadian hockey players, where the pros tend to have birthdays in January -- March; because they were older/stronger/bigger/taller, they did better at youth hockey, and then picked for the all-star teams, where they received better coaching and access to better resources, etc. etc.

Gladwell (well, really the economists whose research he is quoting) brings a counterexample from Denmark, where there is no formal tracking before age 10, and where there does not seem to be any impact of relative age on success or academic achievements. Since there is no tracking before classmates' abilities have a chance to even out, children never enter this cycle, and the effect of age disappears. If OP's child's school does not track (and this is the case for many frum elementary schools IME), this study should not concern her -- actually, it should reassure her that the research shows that even if her daughter lags behind a bit in the younger grades, she'll (hopefully) catch up without it having a lasting impact.

Optione

Sun, Mar 27 2016, 10:52 pm

I've heard many people regret pushing ahead. I've never heard anyone regret letting her child be the oldest.

amother

Cerise

Sun, Mar 27 2016, 11:09 pm

Couple other things to consider; 1)if it's a girl- does early puberty run in the family? Because being physically mature a year plus plus before the other kids can create a lot of difficulties, 2) in the school you're considering, are all other children in that age group/month being held back?- because then she becomes the youngest by far, if there are a group of nov/dec kids, it won't affect her as much.

I have kids who are the oldest, but correct grade, and skipped much later in their schooling because they were unstimulated and not working hard, and those who are young but surrounded by a large group of similar-birthday-month peers so it all works out in the group.
In the end I haven't pushed ahead/kept behind rather kept in the 'correct' grades with some old/young compared to the others.

Anonymous bc too much personal information.

Last edited by amother on Sun, Mar 27 2016, 11:12 pm; edited 1 time in total

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