Please tell me I'm going to survive

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Oak

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 1:52 pm

amother wrote:

Having BH survived those years (with at least a couple who were particularly challenging, some were easy, yes) I will say:
1. Pick your battles. Don't fight about non-essentials like unmade beds...

2. I found Rabbi Orlowek's books amazing. I think one is Raising Roses among the Thorns, others are My Child My Disciple and My Disciple My Child (of the latter two, one is more for teaching & one is more for parenting, I forgot which)

3. Never be afraid to consult professionals. My DH feels taking a child to a therapist is sort of a last resort but he was fine with we the parents meeting with a therapist, describing our issues with child, & getting guidance. Of course parenting courses if available in your area or on-line can be excellent as well, though not every theory works for every family

4. One DD had some severe acting out. We even took her to a psychiatrist thinking bi-polar but upon careful analysis the pattern was too coincidental and it was severe PMS. Once she read information & understood this & was careful with diet, sleep & exercise, I could always tell when she was PMSing but it was manageable.

5. Always convey that you love the child, you expect certain things BUT they are allowed to be their own person. We had a DS who we weren't sure if he was a good fit to learn as our family is, and we sat him down & said, we want you to be a happy & successful person. Become a nuclear scientist, an entrepreneur, a brain surgeon - whatever is going to make you happy. He did choose to stay in learning but appreciated our giving him the space.

6. I was VERY into humor. Never give a criticism harshly but it always goes over better as a joke and very much an "I" message. When my kids were making noise at night I had a line (delivered in a very humorous way) "Supoooose someone wanted to go to sleep now?"

Thank you for all this, also very helpful. (I don't think her bed has been made in years, other than when someone else does it. If only that were it...)

FranticFrummie

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 1:59 pm

I get it. I'm super emotional as well. DD knows just how to push all of my buttons. I had to realize that it wasn't about me at all, and that helped me remove myself from the tantrums. I would go into what I would call "robot mode", and just let the waves of her behavior wash over me. I imagined myself to be a big rock in a stormy ocean. She needs me to be solid!

Did you ever see the movie "The Stepford Wives"? I imagined that I knew all the right things to say, but didn't engage on an inner emotional level. It felt really fake at first, but I realized that she needed me to not be emotionally affected by her tantrums, and it was the right thing to do. If I let her upset me, it just scared her even more.

When she is calm, I can now be open to her emotionally, and totally receptive, and it's safe for both of us. Because of of this, she feels safe being open with me, and letting me in on her feelings.

DD has always suffered from anxiety, and is now starting to possibly show signs of depression. Having her be willing to talk to me on an emotional level is not just a nice part of our relationship, it is vital to my ability to gauge her mental health. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to create a safe space for you both to be emotional, without fear or judgement.

amother

Oak

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 3:04 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Thanks, FF. You sound like an amazing mother, one your daughter is lucky to have. I'm going to read the book and keep telling myself, if FF can do it, so can you!

amother

Smokey

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 8:36 pm

amother wrote:

grrrr.......have my little girly now......when we discussed what we want have (before we knew) I wanted a boy for that reason.......

Whatever makes you think it's easier with teen boys?

Emotional

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 9:06 pm

One of the hardest things I find with teenagers is that they seem so passionate about being entitled to their space and their privacy, but what about mine? They have very little regard for that.

amother

Oak

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 9:27 pm

Emotional wrote:

One of the hardest things I find with teenagers is that they seem so passionate about being entitled to their space and their privacy, but what about mine? They have very little regard for that.

Well, yes, because they're completely self-absorbed, if not downright selfish... but that part I think I could live with if they'd lighten up on the other stuff...
I really appreciate all the hugs and advice here.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 11:53 pm

Emotional wrote:

One of the hardest things I find with teenagers is that they seem so passionate about being entitled to their space and their privacy, but what about mine? They have very little regard for that.

Have you asked your teens that, in those exact words? It probably never even occurred to them before. If you explain that you respect their privacy, and that you want the same, they might get it. You could also say "How would you feel if I did X to invade your privacy?"

Seeing things from someone else's point of view does not come naturally to a lot of people. You have to put it into words that they can understand, and internalize.

amother

Jade

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 1:38 am

amother wrote:

I'm really, really trying.

And by the sound of it, so are they....

GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!

amother

Purple

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 1:57 am

You will survive. (Speaking as one who's on her fifth teenager.)

The thing is that deep down, teens know they are being impossible, and they can't help themselves. Remember how two year olds get when they suddenly have opinions but no control over their lives? For teenagers, that's multiplied by ten, and made worse by the fact that they are stewing in hormones. Oh, and if they're girls, their friends obsess over everything, so they are self-conscious to the point of paralysis.

Yes, they are self-centered. They have to be, because they are struggling to find what that self is.

So hang in there. Love them, respect their struggles, petty as they seem, and soon enough you will be rewarded with wonderful young adults.

A quote attributed to Mark Twain keeps it all in perspective. "When I was fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years."

hila

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 2:09 am

You will survive.
You will probably have a lot of grey hair - I tell my kids that every single one is from them being teenagers.

"you have ruined my life" was a common phrase, and then there was "can I have the car" and "there is NOTHING to eat in the house." , "where's my ....."

And the foot smell - nearly killed me.

But now 3 are married with their own kids, and one is in the army. He may be 21 but he still acts like a teenager sometimes.

I survived ! Hey - where is my medal ?

amother

Amethyst

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 2:29 am

amother wrote:

Whatever makes you think it's easier with teen boys?

This. My teen boys were a nightmare. My teen girls are challenging at times, but a breeze compared to the boys.

grace413

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 4:07 am

hila wrote:

"you have ruined my life" was a common phrase, and then there was "can I have the car" and "there is NOTHING to eat in the house." , "where's my ....."

You mean I'm not the only one who ruined her childrens' lives?

amother

Powderblue

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 10:19 am

amother wrote:

This. My teen boys were a nightmare. My teen girls are challenging at times, but a breeze compared to the boys.

y were your teen boys a nightmare.....maybe im wrong but I look at boys as they go to school all week including sundays barely any shopping etc....

amother

Natural

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 10:40 am

I once heard from a Rabbi
Gog Umagog is going to be bad
Raising teenagers is worse
He was being very serious

dinatov

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 11:00 am

amother wrote:

I once heard from a Rabbi
Gog Umagog is going to be bad
Raising teenagers is worse
He was being very serious

Isn't it all part of this generation right before moshiach?

amother

Oak

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 9:50 pm

amother wrote:

How do you keep from worrying endlessly about them, about their choices, especially when they go against those of your home? (Again, nothing horrific, but choices of entertainment, etc.)

amother

Oak

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 9:51 pm

hila wrote:

I don't want to rush life away but I'm so looking forward to looking back...

amother

Oak

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 9:52 pm

amother wrote:

I once heard from a Rabbi
Gog Umagog is going to be bad
Raising teenagers is worse
He was being very serious

Well, at least now I feel validated. Very Happy

amother

Oak

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 9:53 pm

dinatov wrote:

Isn't it all part of this generation right before moshiach?

Well, I'm ready!

amother

Azure

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 10:16 pm

amother wrote:

How do you keep from worrying endlessly about them, about their choices, especially when they go against those of your home? (Again, nothing horrific, but choices of entertainment, etc.)

What are you worried will happen?

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