Divorced parents of chosson or kallah

amother

Coffee

Thu, Sep 01 2016, 7:41 am

My friend is divorced and her ds is getting married. She was told that someone has to accompany her down the aisle like her mother or father whether she walks down with the chosson or kallah. Anyone heard of this minhag? If you were in that situation or your parent, what did they or you do? How did you or they feel about it?

amother

Azure

Thu, Sep 01 2016, 7:43 am

We had to have a couple walk me down. My (much older) brother and sister in law held my arms and my mom held on to my sister in laws arm.

amother

Crimson

Thu, Sep 01 2016, 7:54 am

When my step daughter got married, the messader kiddushin was a prominent rosh yeshiva who approved of this:
The kalla was accompanied by her mother, mother-in-law and step-mother. The chosson was accompanied by his father, father-in-law and kalla's step-father.

amother

Violet

Thu, Sep 01 2016, 8:44 am

My parents just walked me down together. They're on pretty good terms and we're happy to do it. I know some people have the minhag that a married couple has to walk them down, so in that case, grandparents, aunts and uncles, or married siblings should be fine.

essie14

Thu, Sep 01 2016, 8:54 am

In my experience it depends on the mesader kiddushin. My mom walked me alone (which is what I wanted and my MK said it's 100% fine) but my siblings all needed someone else to accompany them in addition to my mom, as per their MK.
I have many many friends who were walked down alone (due to death of parent or divorce and one parent not in the picture).

Chayalle

Thu, Sep 01 2016, 9:36 am

My sister got married after my mother A"H passed away. My father walked her down the aisle together with my oldest sister.

ETA: my BIL's parents are divorced, and just his mother walked him down the aisle. I've also seen couples who have another couple - like a married brother/sister and their spouse, walk them down.

amother

Saddlebrown

Thu, Sep 01 2016, 9:44 am

Our machutanim have chassidishe minhagim so it made life simpler - fathers walked son, mothers walked daughter. (There was a mitzvah tantz too and we're as litvish as they come.)

amother

Cyan

Thu, Sep 01 2016, 10:33 am

DH's parents are divorced. His father and my father walked him down to the chuppah and his mother and my mother walked me down.

When R' Yaakov Kamenetzky was asked what his minhag is regarding this, he answered, "Whatever the mechutanim's minhag is."

greenfire

Thu, Sep 01 2016, 10:38 am

you see the ridiculous reason behind this custom NOT halacha is that the parents should be whole as in not divorced ... but you know how many people stay married because ... do you also know how many people have perfect lives ...

well the parent walking down the kid they birthed from their womb on the most important day of their life has no other kovod to fill that place

workermom

Thu, Sep 01 2016, 11:37 am

I actually had a big issue with this for my wedding. My parents are divorced and on terrible terms with each other. I have almost no relationship with my mother. Due to the dynamics, my bestest MIL graciously gave up walking her oldest son to his chuppah to support me!!!

We asked our MK what to do and he said that it was better for us to have the biological parents walk down but not together. That is why we had the fathers with my DH and the mothers with me (though I still wish I had my step-mother walk me down)

sky

Thu, Sep 01 2016, 1:37 pm

I was just at a wedding were the divorced spouses walked down their child. Another married couple followed behind, I was told it was a chabad minhag.

lech lecha08

Fri, Sep 02 2016, 10:11 am

amother wrote:

Our machutanim have chassidishe minhagim so it made life simpler - fathers walked son, mothers walked daughter. (There was a mitzvah tantz too and we're as litvish as they come.)

That's not the issue. Some hold only those who are currently married can escort the chattan/kallah. My FIL was born of a second marriage after his father's first wife passed away and even in that case he had to have someone other than his parents walk him down.

Chayalle

Fri, Sep 02 2016, 10:17 am

sky wrote:

I was just at a wedding were the divorced spouses walked down their child. Another married couple followed behind, I was told it was a chabad minhag.

A friend of mine told me that her (divorced) in-laws walked her DH down to the Chuppah together. They actually did a pretty good job of raising him together, working things out post-divorce, and they saw no reason for him not to have both his parents walk him down.

Kuddos to them for not making their son a pawn in their own issues.....

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Sep 05 2016, 10:15 am

What if the mechutanim cant agree? My nephew just got engaged. His in-laws are chassidish and say it must be a married couple walking him down the aisle. My sis is divorced and wants to walk her son down the aisle (with her ex or without him). The other side is fighting this.

My sis went through a lot with this child and says that after all the heartache she went through with him, she wants to be the one to walk him down. And be the one next to him, not a third person on the end or behind them.

amother

Natural

Mon, Sep 05 2016, 10:19 am

sky wrote:

I was just at a wedding were the divorced spouses walked down their child. Another married couple followed behind, I was told it was a chabad minhag.

Chabad minhag is for the fathers to walk the choson and the mothers to walk the kallah. The minhag is also to have a married couple walk them down, so in case of divorce the chosson and kallah will be walked by an additional person besides for the biological parents.

Maya

Mon, Sep 05 2016, 10:20 am

amother wrote:

Since no one can physically prevent your sister from walking her son down the aisle, she can just do so and tell the other side it is not up for discussion. Will they break the shidduch over it?

greenfire

Mon, Sep 05 2016, 10:40 am

amother wrote:

there are some things you just don't because it's someone else's minhag ... being a mother takes precedence to the other side ... stand your ground

if it's a deal breaker ... well then the boy might be better off

Rose816

Mon, Sep 05 2016, 11:26 am

My DH's parents are divorced. Unfortunately walking down the aisle became a messy topic that added a lot of unnecessary stress. After a lot of going back and forth with our mesader kidushin who was in the loop about everything---DH ended up walking down the aisle with his mother on one side, his father on the other, his step-mother next to his father and a married couple behind them. Lol, it was a little crowded, but he made it to the chuppah which is what matters.

Be in touch with your Rav.