Need Advice From Moms with Young Kids in Non-Jewish Schools

amother

Cerulean

Thu, Oct 06 2016, 9:28 am

Hi. I have a preschooler who is currently attending a non-jewish, center-based program for kids with developmental delays. I am very happy with the program, but I know there will be some religious issues down the line. I was wondering what other, similarly situated parents have done.

Do you send your child to school on Erev Yom Kippur? What about Chol Hamoed?

Halloween is coming up and there will be a costume party/parade. I feel strange sending a costume, but I don't want him to be upset that he is the only one without a costume. I also can't just keep him home that day. There are enough days he can't attend anyway because of yomim tovim.

DS will be three soon. Should I attempt to send him with a yarmulke and tzitzis? He likes to copy what he sees other kids doing, and if he doesn't see anyone else wearing one, I can't imagine he will keep wearing them all day.

I should also mention that I cannot explain things to him, about being different because we are Jewish and about Jewish and non-jewish holidays -- he will not understand at all.

Any and all advice would be very much appreciated!

amother

Ecru

Thu, Oct 06 2016, 9:50 am

amother wrote:

May he grow from strength to strength.

amother wrote:

Do you send your child to school on Erev Yom Kippur? What about Chol Hamoed?

Why on earth wouldn't you send him erev Yom Kippur? Its not a chag. I work that day, then rush home like a maniac. Let him go to school.

I also work chol hamoed, as do most people I know, so I wouldn't have a problem with school. BUT if you have other kids who are going to do fun things chol hamoed, I'd keep him home to let him participate, at least part of the time.

amother wrote:

Halloween is coming up and there will be a costume party/parade. I feel strange sending a costume, but I don't want him to be upset that he is the only one without a costume. I also can't just keep him home that day. There are enough days he can't attend anyway because of yomim tovim.

At not even 3, I'd let him dress up. I wouldn't do a full-fledged costume. Maybe a superhero cape, or a fire fighter hat. My bigger concern would be the kashrut of the food.

amother wrote:

DS will be three soon. Should I attempt to send him with a yarmulke and tzitzis? He likes to copy what he sees other kids doing, and if he doesn't see anyone else wearing one, I can't imagine he will keep wearing them all day.

Well, even my day-school attending, non-delayed boys didn't want to wear them at 3. Or 4. Or ... let's not go there. But you can try. See how it works. If it doesn't work, he's got plenty of time.

amother

Wheat

Thu, Oct 06 2016, 10:02 am

My kids are in public schools. I've always allowed them to dress up for school Halloween functions. Where I live, the kids only dress up at school in kindergarten and first grade. (Since my kids went to a Jewish preschool, it wasn't an issue at that point.) I'm a BT so maybe this is more normal for me than for those who may be FFB.

pesek zman

Thu, Oct 06 2016, 10:11 am

I have an almost 2 year old in secular daycare

I send her every day that I work, so yes chol hamoed, erev Yomim tovim etc

I too have thought about Halloween. I know the other children will be dressing up. I won't dress my baby up but (as I type) I can send her with a silly hat so she doesn't feel left out. Not that I think she or any of the children will understand what's going on anyway.

The struggle is real

tryinghard

Thu, Oct 06 2016, 10:19 am

AS far as the yarmulka and tzitzis go, it may be easier to have him wear a baseball cap. Tell the teachers that you want him to wear it all the time if he is being agreeable - for my DS, that meant that they would remind him, or put it back on his head, but if he was refusing, they would leave it alone. Lol but tzitzis - he is now almost 5, in a frum preschool program... and STILL wont wear tzitzis...

Last edited by tryinghard on Thu, Oct 06 2016, 10:28 am; edited 1 time in total

Thu, Oct 06 2016, 10:26 am

I agree with most of the above. I do not have a child with special needs or in non-Jewish school, but we have used non-religious (and very mixed) Jewish schools and I went to public school myself.

No reason to stay home erev Yom Kippur.

Chol hamoed - if you do send him to school, be sure to have have breakfast and do after school activities in your sukkah, if you have one. If the rest of the family is staying home and doing fun things, by all means keep him home unless he would be missing important services provided at school or major class events. Also, some kids really, really need their routines. Check with the teacher.

My vote would be to keep him home on October 31, but you say you can't. This is a toughie - it's obviously not good to participate, but he can't possibly understand at his age and wouldn't want to be left out. Kashrut is a huge issue, unless the school is super-strict about snacks even on holidays.

I don't have a boy so I will let BTDT moms give advice re: tzitzit and headcovering.

amother

Chocolate

Thu, Oct 06 2016, 10:36 am

My son was in a public school program when he was 3 and then again when he was 6 (developmental delays). He felt very proud to be frum and was happy to wear his yamulka. He tucked in his tzitzis on the way to school though because he didn't think the other kids would understand.

There was one child who took his yamulka during recess. My son was upset but said that if it happens again, he'd tell the kid "don't take my yamulka, it's very important to me".

We sent him on erev YT and most of chol hamoed. He knew not to eat anything without a hechsher that he recognized, including candy that was given out for Halloween or other holidays. He also felt strongly about washing and bentching.

Mama Bear

Thu, Oct 06 2016, 11:01 am

Of course send him on Erev YK... itll make life much easier for you. Chol Hamoed it depends if your family is going on a trip that you want to take him along.
It's hard enough that they're home so many legal holidays - he'll be home on Monday for Columbus Day, so if you keep him home Erev YK he'll be home straight on Shabbos, sunday, monday, tuesday, wednesday, by wednesday he'll be so crazy from such a long break it'll make it so much harder for you to fast. Send him!

animeme

Thu, Oct 06 2016, 11:58 am

I would send him Erev yom Kippur and send him chol Hamoed on Erev Shabbos and any other day you don't have something planned. I would pick a day to have a whole family trip and keep him for that, and possibly pick another day and take the other kids somewhere they couldn't go if he came along. Then I would take him somewhere special after school.

Halloween ( and the winter season): I found out what time things were happening and picked ds up before them (or brought him in after). So if the parade is at noon, but the kids can wear costumes all day if they want, I would send him in something he likes wearing anyway, like a cape or character PJ's (my kid didn't like to dress up, so we didn't have an issue). On the day Santa came, I picked him up before, took him to lunch, and brought him back. Alternatively, if he's not the noticing kind and it's a short activity, you can arrange to have him pulled for therapy before it starts and returned when it finishes.

And definitely a baseball cap. It sits better on the head anyway, for a sensory kid. I would start the work over a vacation time (winter break?) or a weekend, and explain to the teachers, as noted above. Many sensory kids find tzitzis very annoying, so that may take extra time. But you may have time on this, if he's not toilet trained yet. Ds trained late, which bought us an extra year to figure it out.

imasinger

Thu, Oct 06 2016, 1:15 pm

My DS went to public preschool because of his special needs. He was there for 3 years, then went to kindergarten in a dayschool, where he has been since.

I did send him in kippah and tzitzit, and at 3, he didn't care, but by 4 1/2, he was uncomfortable being different from the other boys.

The school did a Halloween parade. At 3, I let him dress up, because he wouldn't get any connections, but when he was older, I kept him home that day.

Honestly, the toughest thing was not the food (they were very good, and also tried to help him make brachos) or the clothing (though that was a factor). It was all the birthday parties that he had to miss because they were on Shabbos.

naomi2

Fri, Oct 07 2016, 7:54 am

Op,
Do whatever you think is best. Does it really matter if a two yr old goes to school on erev yom kippur? ? I sent my kids because it was easier on me. Chol hamoed I only sent if it was easier for me . There is no credit given for taking the hard way. This will be important your whole life so try to be easy on yourself. Having a special needs child is hard enough without stressing over these details.
You can ask a rav about the halloween.
About the tzitzis and yarmulka, you don't even know if your son will wear them at home! Nothing happens if he wears or doesn't wear at school. He will not go off the direct from that and he most likely won't remember if he wore them at 3 years old or not.

octopus

Fri, Oct 07 2016, 8:31 am

You might not be the only one conflicted about the halloween thing. I once was speaking to the hispanic check out girl at a local grocery (her being hispanic is relevant as most are catholic). It seems that many catholics are very strict and don't do halloween as it has pagan roots. She was telling me that her mother never let her dress up or go to any public school function that had to do with halloween.

amother

Amethyst

Fri, Oct 07 2016, 8:46 am

I would talk to the teachers regarding Halloween. Since it is a religious holiday, they should be sensitive about it. What will they do on x-mas? Would you let your son participate in a party for that?

Obviously, I'm not judging you, your son is very young and doesn't know the difference yet regardless of what you do. But the staff should be made aware and work out a solution with you.

Petra

Fri, Oct 07 2016, 10:52 am

You might just discount my opinion altogether. My 7 yr old DD goes to PS. I know her school will do something for halloween but it doesn't bother me. There is no concensus as to origin of halloween. It's also known as All Hallows Eve or All Saints Eve. The practice in America is completely secular unless one goes to Catholic school. Halachically it is a problem to take part in "gentile practices" however I take issue with insisting on being completely seperate from the among the majority of neighbors I live among. I think there is a middle ground that can be achieved and I absolutely disagree with being insular.

Jewishmofm

Sun, Oct 09 2016, 3:40 am

We send our 3 year old with a yarmulke. All the kids in his class are different. Mia wears a helmet whenever they're outside, Justin walks on his toes, Emma rocks and darts around. Some kids are african americans, some are asian, some are hispanic. Some are boys, some are girls. Public schools are great a celebrating diversity (at least in theory)..he's not wearing tzitzis yet because he's still soiling himself. Kosher has never been an issue because a)they want to accommodate and b)he has VERY soecific, responsive dietary requirements. I've hammered it into the teachers, aides, and therapist that even a piece of fruit can spell disaster for us. At a previous program, they had a frum aide for a while. Bless her, she gave my son melon because the class was having it and she knows it's okay kosher wise...3 days of repeated enemas later b"h we cleared it out. Now the teachers tell me if there's a special food (birthday party etc) going on and I match it or he gets taken out for therapy then.
I will not be keeping my son home nor will I be dressing him up for halloween. Like I said before, EVERYONE in the program is different and they present all sorts of holidays and cultural mores that some or the other of the students do not partake in.

Jewishmofm

Sun, Oct 09 2016, 3:43 am

Petra wrote:

Educated Catholics do not celebrate halloween, they decry it as a pagan practice. I do agree that many "religious" practices are secular in nature when in a public school setting.

Petra

Sun, Oct 09 2016, 10:50 pm

Jewishmofm wrote:

Educated Catholics do not celebrate halloween, they decry it as a pagan practice. I do agree that many "religious" practices are secular in nature when in a public school setting.

Educated Catholics might celebrate it closer in form to what was intended instead of the current secular practice.