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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> Teenagers and Older children
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amother
cornflower
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 Wed, Nov 02 2016, 4:41 pm
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My very mature 13 year old daughter just came up to me and told me that she knocked on my door which was locked and she knows it was locked because I'm doing stuff with daddy. We've talked about relations before and I've been honest without giving too much information. I couldn't help but smile because she was right. I know I should keep my door locked more often so she doesn't associate the door locked with thinking about her parents that way, but I'm just not in the habit of locking the door when I don't need to and I'm a bit claustrophobic. Any suggestions about how to handle this?
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amother
Teal
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Wed, Nov 02 2016, 4:45 pm
We don't usually do the deed until the kids are fast asleep and also keep the door locked on other occasions too.
I would just tell your daughter that some things are private and we don't talk about them even if you suspect that something might be going on.
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mommy3b2c
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Wed, Nov 02 2016, 5:05 pm
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It actually sounds like a very immature thing to say. Tell her that was an inappropriate comment and move on.
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amother
Khaki
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Wed, Nov 02 2016, 6:21 pm
| amother wrote: | | My very mature 13 year old daughter just came up to me and told me that she knocked on my door which was locked and she knows it was locked because I'm doing stuff with daddy. We've talked about relations before and I've been honest without giving too much information. I couldn't help but smile because she was right. I know I should keep my door locked more often so she doesn't associate the door locked with thinking about her parents that way, but I'm just not in the habit of locking the door when I don't need to and I'm a bit claustrophobic. Any suggestions about how to handle this? |
Are you doing it at like 3 in the afternoon when everyone's around??!?
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miami85
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Wed, Nov 02 2016, 6:30 pm
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IMO, if she just said "stuff" it could be you were doing "taxes" or bills or discussing a doctor's appointment. Private=private and husband and wife are entitled to private time for any number of reasons--keep it at that. And if it really is "other stuff" keep it down!
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yenta2
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Wed, Nov 02 2016, 6:34 pm
If she is mature she wouldn't talk like this although I wouldn't make a big deal of it now,
And try to keep the door locked more often
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amother
Copper
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Wed, Nov 02 2016, 6:38 pm
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She's probably just trying to figure out how the stuff she learned translates to real life. I wouldn't obsess about it, BUT I would A. Make it clear that the comment was inappropriate ("When people lock doors they want privacy, whatever the reason might be. It's inappropriate to ask someone about private issues.) and B. lock the door more often, as you said yourself, so it doesn't become associated with doing stuff. Even for just three minutes. Sometimes when dh comes home from work, we go into a locked room for a few minutes to talk and tell the kids we need a few minutes of privacy. We lock the door of our bedroom regularly, tho not always, and let the kids know they can knock if they need us urgently. For them a locked door is not unusual. I have teens who go to sleep late and no, we don't always wait until they're sleeping, but we're quiet and they're usually on the phone down the hall. It's completely a non-issue.
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amother
Tangerine
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Wed, Nov 02 2016, 6:42 pm
| amother wrote: | | Are you doing it at like 3 in the afternoon when everyone's around??!? |
Such things have been known to happen...
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sourstix
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Wed, Nov 02 2016, 7:49 pm
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She's immature. Get yourself a self door closer. That automatically shuts and locks the door with a number lock in the outside. It's my lifesaver. Kids are very curious. I would calmly say. It's not her business what you do. It's private. And she should learn that she has private stuff and space and so should you. Teach her by example. Don't walk into her room before you knock and she says ok. Then she will learn that people have privacies and she will back off. She needs to learn that it's not appropriate to talk and act this way.
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groovy1224
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Wed, Nov 02 2016, 8:32 pm
| amother wrote: | | My very mature 13 year old daughter just came up to me and told me that she knocked on my door which was locked and she knows it was locked because I'm doing stuff with daddy. We've talked about relations before and I've been honest without giving too much information. I couldn't help but smile because she was right. I know I should keep my door locked more often so she doesn't associate the door locked with thinking about her parents that way, but I'm just not in the habit of locking the door when I don't need to and I'm a bit claustrophobic. Any suggestitons about how to handle this? |
What's the point of having a lock if you need to explain what you were doing behind it after?
It's great that you've been open with her about s-x, but it sounds like you need to review the part about it being a private thing between a husband and wife. Tell her that just like you respect her privacy, she needs to respect yours, and asking what you're doing in your own room is inappropriate and invasive. I would definitely make a show of locking the door just to get changed, talk to your dh, or similar, so your door being locked doesn't become the equivalent of a tie on the doorknob.
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finprof
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Wed, Nov 02 2016, 8:38 pm
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Why not just say yes and move on. I knew my parents has s-x. Whats the big deal?
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amother
Wine
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Wed, Nov 02 2016, 8:54 pm
| finprof wrote: | | Why not just say yes and move on. I knew my parents has s-x. Whats the big deal? |
I wish there was a dislike button for this one.
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tichellady
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Wed, Nov 02 2016, 9:36 pm
| finprof wrote: | | Why not just say yes and move on. I knew my parents has s-x. Whats the big deal? |
Do you think that's modest? This is not a rhetorical question. I'm really curious what you think. I of course knew my parents had sx but didn't know when
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sequoia
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Wed, Nov 02 2016, 9:37 pm
| amother wrote: | | I wish there was a dislike button for this one. |
Try words.
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amother
Jade
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Wed, Nov 02 2016, 9:40 pm
| amother wrote: | | She's probably just trying to figure out how the stuff she learned translates to real life. I wouldn't obsess about it, BUT I would A. Make it clear that the comment was inappropriate ("When people lock doors they want privacy, whatever the reason might be. It's inappropriate to ask someone about private issues.) and B. lock the door more often, as you said yourself, so it doesn't become associated with doing stuff. Even for just three minutes. Sometimes when dh comes home from work, we go into a locked room for a few minutes to talk and tell the kids we need a few minutes of privacy. We lock the door of our bedroom regularly, tho not always, and let the kids know they can knock if they need us urgently. For them a locked door is not unusual. I have teens who go to sleep late and no, we don't always wait until they're sleeping, but we're quiet and they're usually on the phone down the hall. It's completely a non-issue. |
If I was your teen I would assume you were going to do it when you tell your kids you need a minute of privacy.
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flowerpower
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Wed, Nov 02 2016, 10:05 pm
| finprof wrote: | | Why not just say yes and move on. I knew my parents has s-x. Whats the big deal? |
All she needs is to visualize her parents having zex. Not something we would like to picture in our heads.
Op, from now on, lock your door every night. Get into the habit. Once our kids started getting bigger we made sure to do that.
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little neshamala
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Wed, Nov 02 2016, 10:19 pm
Its funny how much I disagree with so many of the replies...maybe because im from the "younger generation" and I still feel like a teen myself? Odd...
I do not think shes immature at all.
I think the posters who say to let her know her comment was inappropriate (even though it was) are shooting themselves in the foot.
I think she took a risk, tried to be a bit daring and see her mothers reaction, something many teenagers will enjoy doing from time to time.
(Not that im condoning it at all, but my very very mature friend in high school, who was very sweet, tzanuah, class valedictorian type, once told her mother "oh please ma, I know youre not going shopping, its so obvious youre going to the mikvah". She said she regretted it after, felt embaressed etc what was she thinking...point is, teenagers say stupid things sometimes)
I think its wonderful that OP has been open,to an extent, with her daughter.
I think everyone has to realize that if you have a teenager, and they dont make a comment like this to you, youre being silly if you think that means they never think about their parents "doing it". This teenager chose to verbalize what all teens think.
OP, try locking your door every now and then just to purposely show it doesnt necessarily indicate anything, so you can have your privacy.
And continue to show your daughter she is welcome to discuss anything at all with you, but gently steer the conversation in a way that she sees your private life is not up for discussion.
She sounds very smart, she'll understand.
Enjoy her 
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amother
Powderblue
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Wed, Nov 02 2016, 11:07 pm
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I remember as a teenager knowing when my parents did it cuz we were up late and they locked the door..also cuz knew when mom went to mik even if she made up some ridiculous cover story. Part of life..but I would never hv the guts to actually tell it to my mom..she would've died lol.
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amother
Slategray
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Wed, Nov 02 2016, 11:12 pm
Just because she talked about what she figured out does NOT make her immature.
She's only 13! She's mature enough to figure out what is going on, but she is NOT mature enough to process it like an adult....cuz she isn't one!
Yes, if your 18 year old daughter said that, she would be immature. This girl is only 13.
I think it's awful that she figured it out. I never knew anything my parents did.
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mommy3b2c
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Wed, Nov 02 2016, 11:28 pm
| little neshamala wrote: | Its funny how much I disagree with so many of the replies...maybe because im from the "younger generation" and I still feel like a teen myself? Odd...
I do not think shes immature at all.
I think the posters who say to let her know her comment was inappropriate (even though it was) are shooting themselves in the foot.
I think she took a risk, tried to be a bit daring and see her mothers reaction, something many teenagers will enjoy doing from time to time.
(Not that im condoning it at all, but my very very mature friend in high school, who was very sweet, tzanuah, class valedictorian type, once told her mother "oh please ma, I know youre not going shopping, its so obvious youre going to the mikvah". She said she regretted it after, felt embaressed etc what was she thinking...point is, teenagers say stupid things sometimes)
I think its wonderful that OP has been open,to an extent, with her daughter.
I think everyone has to realize that if you have a teenager, and they dont make a comment like this to you, youre being silly if you think that means they never think about their parents "doing it". This teenager chose to verbalize what all teens think.
OP, try locking your door every now and then just to purposely show it doesnt necessarily indicate anything, so you can have your privacy.
And continue to show your daughter she is welcome to discuss anything at all with you, but gently steer the conversation in a way that she sees your private life is not up for discussion.
She sounds very smart, she'll understand.
Enjoy her |
The thing is , being mature means that you understand that certain things are not supposed to be verbalized. Even if you think them.
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