Kids knowing why the bedrom door is locked

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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little neshamala

Wed, Nov 02 2016, 11:42 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

The thing is , being mature means that you understand that certain things are not supposed to be verbalized. Even if you think them.

Dont all of us verbalize things that in hindsight we regret?

Laiya

Wed, Nov 02 2016, 11:48 pm

One of my kids is very friendly, and always asking people (innocently) where they're going, where they're coming from, etc. I've explained to him that even though it doesn't seem like a secret, we don't ask people these questions because it might be something they don't wish to discuss.

I'm a firm believer in that, every family member is entitled to their privacy. Your dd should be comfortable coming to you with questions, but at 13 she can understand the difference between questions about how the world works, and personal boundaries.

That being said, I think it's also an invasion of your kids' privacy to engage in a private activity where they can't help knowing. If that was the case--I don't know. Just something to possibly keep in mind.

gold21

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 12:24 am

I would imagine it's rather awkward to lock the door to be with your husband during the day when there are teens hanging around the house. I think it's best to try to be less obvious. Stick with times that the teens are at a friends house, in their room, sleeping, at school....

dancingqueen

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 12:27 am

Op I think she might've heard you, and I think it's pretty awkward that you smiled when she asked you. Maybe your whole family needs to work on boundaries...

amother

Hotpink

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 12:50 am

She's still a kid. It's not that surprising she asked.
You're an adult. You should know better than to smile! What is this, a conversation with your BFF in high school?
You should have maintained your composure and said I just like to lock the door for privacy. And then continue to lock it, even when you have your period, so she doesnt suspect.
With teens you need to be extra careful if you want to msintain privacy. Maybe move intimacy to early mornings when teens are notorious for being unconscious.

3mitzvos

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 3:28 am

little neshamala wrote:

Its funny how much I disagree with so many of the replies...maybe because im from the "younger generation" and I still feel like a teen myself? Odd...
I do not think shes immature at all.
I think the posters who say to let her know her comment was inappropriate (even though it was) are shooting themselves in the foot.
I think she took a risk, tried to be a bit daring and see her mothers reaction, something many teenagers will enjoy doing from time to time.
(Not that im condoning it at all, but my very very mature friend in high school, who was very sweet, tzanuah, class valedictorian type, once told her mother "oh please ma, I know youre not going shopping, its so obvious youre going to the mikvah". She said she regretted it after, felt embaressed etc what was she thinking...point is, teenagers say stupid things sometimes)
I think its wonderful that OP has been open,to an extent, with her daughter.
I think everyone has to realize that if you have a teenager, and they dont make a comment like this to you, youre being silly if you think that means they never think about their parents "doing it". This teenager chose to verbalize what all teens think.
OP, try locking your door every now and then just to purposely show it doesnt necessarily indicate anything, so you can have your privacy.
And continue to show your daughter she is welcome to discuss anything at all with you, but gently steer the conversation in a way that she sees your private life is not up for discussion.
She sounds very smart, she'll understand.
Enjoy her Smile

This.

3mitzvos

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 3:35 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

The thing is , being mature means that you understand that certain things are not supposed to be verbalized. Even if you think them.

She's 13!!!! Many adults even have trouble filtering what they say! I think she was acting rather age-appropriate. Sounds like either she has a close relationship with her mother and feels like these things can be spoken about or she's simply intrigued/curious about intimacy in general (which is completely normal, imo) and wanted to see how her mother reacted when she said something.

slushiemom

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 3:50 am

This thread is great. To those who said they wait till their kids go to sleep, that's just not always realistic as they get older...

I have a friend who's 10 years older than me, with a bunch of teenagers (my oldest is 10) and I told her that as soon as my little one is in bed, my husband and I go into our room and lock the door, almost every night. It's our first quiet time during the day, and we'll both shower, relax, watch TV, listen to music, talk about our day, and sometimes more, sometimes not. We take our quiet time during nidda also.

My friend said it's so smart that we started this early on, bc the kids know that it's our quiet time no matter what. She never did that, and took the waiting till they go to sleep option, and now her kids are teenagers and if she tries to sneak up to her room in the evening, her kids will annoy her and question where she's going.

I think it's very important for kids to understand, as soon as they're of age where they don't need constant supervision inside the house (4 ish or so), that Ima and Abba need time to ourselves, because we're best friends and haven't seen each other all day.

Ruchel

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 6:47 am

Keep your door locked (more).
OR never keep it locked, my parents had no key, they taught me to knock - my kah 1,8 can knock when crawling...
That said that's what happens teaching young kids what happens between couples when they don't have the maturity to treat it as private. This only solidifies my cultural opinion Smile

amother

Hotpink

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 7:27 am

Ruchel wrote:

Ruchel, even if you dont teach them, by 13 most kids today know. The information is so freely available, all it takes is one kid or neighbor who knows, and there is a lot more than that.
Unless maybe if you live in meah shearim, and no kids at all have computers and they are so far removed from nature theyve never seen a cat or dog mating.

Mamushka

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 9:18 am

Sometimes our door is closed. Sometimes open. If they understand where I'm going they have learned to keep it to themselfes. I don't have anything to hide. Kids are everything else then stupid. They figure these things out. Maybe some of them are scared to talk to their parents and that's why they don't say anything. Bekizur there are so many ways to interpret this. I know that I'm not obvious about what's going on in my bedroom and if one of my kids would ask I would teach them that sure we have a healthy marriage and we do this, but it's private.

essie14

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 9:18 am

My teens know about s*x and they probably think we are doing way more often than we do Smile

But we also lock the door almost all the time, just because it sometimes flies open and I don't want my Shabbat nap interrupted. My kids know to never walk into our room without permission/knocking. Truthfully, when they need us, they usually just yell from where they are and don't even come to our door.

Chayalle

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 9:29 am

little neshamala wrote:

(Not that im condoning it at all, but my very very mature friend in high school, who was very sweet, tzanuah, class valedictorian type, once told her mother "oh please ma, I know youre not going shopping, its so obvious youre going to the mikvah". She said she regretted it after, felt embaressed etc what was she thinking...point is, teenagers say stupid things sometimes)

Your friend was acting neither maturely nor tzanuah at the time she said that.

I don't tell my teens that I'm going shopping when I'm going to the mikvah. I go a bit later than I used to when they were younger (my kids are early-to-bed type, so if I go at 10 chances are they went to bed already) but if they are up, I just say that I'm going out for a bit and I'll be back soon.

They have learned that parents don't need to tell their kids where they are going....and I'm fine with them figuring out it's mikvah, and learning to keep their mouths shut.

Ruchel

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 12:33 pm

amother wrote:

KNowing it exists vs knowing the details, obsessing to the point of wanting to know if your parents (!!!!) do it and asking (????). That's all the difference.

amother

Lawngreen

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 12:34 pm

Funny thing is that when I think back to my childhood I NEVER remember seeing my parents door closed. It was always open and we were welcome to come in whenever we pleased. Which begs the question : how did they have 12 kids??

unexpected

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 12:50 pm

Just saying, I was a super exposed kid, hid in the library, read all the books, shared all my knowledge with my friends etc
I don't think it ever once entered my head that my parents were doing all those things that I was reading about...

Chayalle

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 2:41 pm

amother wrote:

LOL. same. Down to the 12 kids.

pistachio88

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 3:16 pm

Everyone says silly things sometimes. She probably feels embarrassed that she said it. I would just let it go and move on.

amother

Jetblack

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 3:23 pm

finprof wrote:

Why not just say yes and move on. I knew my parents has s-x. Whats the big deal?

My parents were very explicit with their hints as in smug that we wouldn't know what was going on. And I heard it too. Knew all the signs.
It was awful. I used to go to sleep with headphones blasting so I wouldn't hear it. I tried to fall asleep earlier or would stay far away from their room. And it caused lots of issues when I got married as I was so turned off from intimacy and was disgusted by it as I was disgusted by my parents. It was so obvious, it was gross.

B"H somehow I've overcome that and don't even think about it anymore. But it is a big deal.

amother

cornflower

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 5:26 pm

little neshamala wrote:

Thanks so much for all of your responses, I found many of them quite helpful and little neshamala really hit the nail on the head. I have a very close relationship with my daughter, I shouldn't have smiled, but I think I would have done than no matter when she asked, she caught me totally off guard and was not prepared by the statement. She is the type of kid that once I tell her that it is not something to talk about even if she's thinking it she will never mention it again. To the posters who said we were loud or that was when the kids were up, it was late at night and my daughter whom I thought was sleeping had a bad dream. Our bedroom is not on the same floor as our kids and we have two doors leading to the bedroom and we are super quiet, my husband would say too quiet. I think I'm better prepared to handle these things in the future, there's always a first time, so when and if it comes up again with my other kids I'll be better prepared, but will definitely be locking my door more often to try to avoid this problem in the future.

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