Do you ever hit your children?

allthingsblue

Mon, Nov 14 2016, 9:17 pm

amother wrote:

Although I hit only on rare occasions and not when angry, I do threaten to hit quite often. How bad is that?

It's not doing any good for your standing with your children. If all they get are empty threats, why should they listen to you?
A better idea is to threaten (when necessary) with a time out,for example according to 123 Magic strategy, and then following through with it. This way, they will know you mean business and you won't be hurting anyone.

amother

Mustard

Mon, Nov 14 2016, 9:31 pm

amother wrote:

Sometimes. I am not proud when I do. It usually doesn't hurt but it feels like a loss of control. If I ever really did lose it with a child I always apologize.

Me too. It happens when I'm overwhelmed and just. want. it. to. stop.

I've been therapy for a while now, and it happens much less frequently, but I must confess even once is too much.

I was never hit as a child (if I was, I don't remember it), and I know how wrong hitting is, and how ineffective it is in the long run. And walking the line between "be kind, forgive yourself and be better next time" and "NEVER FORGET WHAT YOU DID. IF YOU FORGIVE YOURSELF YOU'LL DO IT AGAIN AND THAT IS THE END OF THE WORLD" is taking lots of therapy.

amother

Natural

Mon, Nov 14 2016, 10:10 pm

Hitting out of frustration and anger is absolutely unacceptable. There is no excuse for it. The only time I ever hit (a spank on the butt) was when my 3 year old ran into the street, and that was to really let him know just how bad what he did was- he was endangering his life. Even then I hit my hand on his butt and it was the sound that really scared him. When I get really angry I go to my room to calm down. No parent has the right to just lose it on a child because they are overwhelmed.

amother

Orchid

Mon, Nov 14 2016, 10:36 pm

I wonder if what I do constitutes hitting.

If my child is hitting me, which she does quite often when she tantrums, I will grab her hand to stop her. Or if she's kicking me I will grab her foot. Sometimes if I need to grab it fast it will make a slapping noise as my hand slaps against hers to grab it. But the purpose isn't to slap, it's to catch her hand from slapping me. And if she's doing it repeatedly, I sometimes hold onto her wrist for a minute, and she screams, ow ow you're hurting me, even though I know I'm not holding hard, just preventing her from hitting me.

Is this wrong? And if it is, what would you do if your child was hitting or kicking you without stopping?

amother

Blue

Tue, Nov 15 2016, 6:15 am

amother wrote:

Actually I have heard that there are therapists who suggest this in order to stop a violent child. I think you are doing the right thing. Good on you.

chani8

Tue, Nov 15 2016, 6:39 am

amother wrote:

I agree that this is an acceptable response to violent behavior from your child. I do want to point out that children hit for much the same reason a parent hits their kids....frustration. Unless your child has language issues which are the cause of her frustration, it may be helpful for you to examine what is causing her to be so frustrated that she hits you. Too many rules and no control and not enough choices is often a cause of frustration in children. That, and boredom.

chani8

Tue, Nov 15 2016, 6:47 am

amother wrote:

Is hitting 'just' bad parenting or is it actually abuse? If not abuse, when does bad parenting become abuse?

Hitting causes physiological pain plus sudden stress to a child's central nervous system, as well as psychological distress and loss of trust in one's primary care giver, loss of a sense of physical safety in their environment, and sudden intense fear.

Whether it constitutes abuse is determined by one's location. In some states, one is permitted to hit one's child.

There is never a reason to hit a child. There is always another solution.

A parent who only occasionally hits but threatens often is causing fear and central nervous system stress with every threat.

Instead of threats, direct your children to do something good (and fun). Let the chores and stressors fall to the side. Because in the long run, the children will fondly recall the messy house and wildness of their youth. If you beat the fun and wild out of them, they'll likely become negative and angry, messed up adults.

tryinghard

Tue, Nov 15 2016, 8:15 am

Have you ladies noticed that despite the high percentage of amothers who answered in the poll that they do potch, we have only seen posts from one or two of these women? The virulent "there is never any reason to hit a child/you are a monster if you do" attitude has scared away any productive conversation IMO.

That being said, I'll be brave because I am confident in my beliefs:

I potch, but only ever for danger, which means that as they get bigger, it's almost never, and the threat of "that is so dangerous, next time is a potch" is generally sufficient. In the past 6 months, I can only think of one incident where we felt the need to potch.

But. I have an anger problem, which is my reason for this hard and strict rule. I never want to be hitting my child out of anger, partly for the middos aspect, partly chnuch, partly because I am afraid I would get out of control. But that's me. It doesn't mean I think that potching has no place in parenting, it just doesn't for me.

As far a psychological harm goes, I wouldn't place much stock in the studies out there, because by definition if it is potentially harmful to kids, it is much harder to do accurate research (this is the same reason why in the past 40 years, they have come out with no new research about the effects of low levels of alcohol intake on pregnancy in order to establish a safe threshhold, despite the fact that most doctors would say that for sure an occasional glass of wine is fine - there is no ethical way to test where the damage begins). I can only speak for NYS, but here, the line where it is considered abuse is leaving a mark, or using an object. A simple potch is not abuse. And honestly, screaming at your kids can be more scarring anyway.

Not advocating hitting them every day. I agree with the women saying there are more effective parenting strategies. But ladies, all you are doing is making others amothers feel like terrible excuses for human beings, when they are not that.

amother

Scarlet

Tue, Nov 15 2016, 11:41 am

I have .... and I don't feel that it is the right thing to do.

Sure, I am doing it to discipline them ...but really I am angry too.

One child of mine ..well, he is the hardest kid in the world (that's how I feel sometimes). After he yelled at us and disrupted our succah meal because we told him he needs to sit in a chair by the meal ....he wanted to open up a folding bed and eat on the bed ... the bed had linen (challah crumbs).. and had no place by the table he yelled in front of everyone that he has fuc***** parents. Well, I hit him ...hard .. too hard sorry to say. I was shaking the whole rest of the day from that episode. I decided that if he wants to eat his meal on a bed and gets crumbs all over the linen the next day then I will let him. Not because it's right to do but I have to choose my battles with this child. And that is what he did. There were similar incidents with this child and he did get hit.

amother

cornflower

Tue, Nov 15 2016, 1:49 pm

I haven't and will never hit, potch or use any kind of violence to discipline my child. I was beaten as a child (I still to this day can't look at a belt without shuddering). The effect it had on me psychologically is enough to make sure I don't damage my own kids like it damaged me. No matter how annoying or naughty my child may be nothing, absolutely nothing can make me lose enough control to actually hit them. I just can't do it because the aftereffects are forever. Unfortunately I do raise my voice out of impatience though. I'm trying to work on that because I also think it is unacceptable.

amother

Pumpkin

Tue, Nov 15 2016, 2:02 pm

I have seen many mothers hit their child. I will be honest and say I have. I do think that when you have very difficult children its harder not to. I ususally dont. on occassion I do. I think there are good ways to discipline kids. without having to using the potch. and I cant say I wont. because I get reactive sometimes.

I know I should control myself more. that is my weak spot. to control myself. sometimes I yell instead of hitting. thats also not good it means I am out of control. because yelling does nothing. its not easy chinuch. one of the tough stuff.

ora_43

Tue, Nov 15 2016, 3:13 pm

chani8 wrote:

Instead of threats, direct your children to do something good (and fun). Let the chores and stressors fall to the side. Because in the long run, the children will fondly recall the messy house and wildness of their youth. If you beat the fun and wild out of them, they'll likely become negative and angry, messed up adults.

The majority of kids experiment with actual bad behavior, not just "fun and wild" behavior.

I'm not saying hitting is the answer, but the "oh, just let kids be kids" approach is only healthy if the "bad" behavior is just childhood fun. When the bad behavior is making cruel remarks, hitting siblings, destroying other people's things, etc, actual discipline is the best way to prevent kids from becoming negative, messed up adults.

Sorry, I don't mean this as criticism of you, I'm sure you're doing great. Just a disclaimer based on some parents I see who take your general approach and then run with it to the ends of the earth.

mommy3b2c

Tue, Nov 15 2016, 4:05 pm

tryinghard wrote:

I agree completely. I potch for danger and people on this site act like that makes you abisive. I personally think that if you don't hit for danger that is bad parenting. I have probably hit 3 or 4 times in my 10 years of benign a parent due to being human and losing control. I always apologized the the child and we moved on. I'm not embarrassed to admit it. I'm human. And I work on myself every day. I have one child that I picture smacking quite often, but bh I don't do it.