Frustrated with my DH - worst gift giver ever

cnc

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 5:31 pm

amother wrote:

these posts really made me laugh!!
some men can be SO clueless about presents!

when we first got married (8 years ago) I mentioned I loved a certain necklace that was very expensive.
fast forward 3 years later, my mother buys me that same necklace for a big bday, and I wear it every single day. I love it!
fast forward to this year, for our 8 year anniversary, my dh buys THE EXACT SAME NECKLACE.
I was so speechless when I opened the box and nebach my dh is grinning from ear to ear like hes about to win husband of the century and says "see I didn't forget!"
I had no words.

Rolling Eyes

This is absolutely hilarious.
Once you did regain your words, how did you respond??

MagentaYenta

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 5:37 pm

amother wrote:

I explicitly told my DH the exact holiday I wanted (we can afford it), showed him the link and said that I wanted the kids to be looked after so we could go away for a few days. I gave him oodles of notice. He still arranged nothing. He said he couldn't find anybody to look after the kids but he didn't actually ask anybody. I thought my communication was adult and clear enough. But I guess not.

Was you husband ever involved in finding babysitters? Did you give him a list to call? I've learned from reading Ima that a great many husbands of women here have very little involvement in parenting, no less negotiating the ins and outs of getting a sitter for an overnight. Do you think you would have been equally unsuccessful if you had booked the childcare and let him handle the travel plans?

amother

Amethyst

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 7:47 pm

amother wrote:

This is his personal touch and except it.
Good morning that's a man's world. They buy stuff and you say thank you and smell nice. Be grateful you have a husband.

A) you don't have to 'accept' everything. People can and should mold to their spouses.
B) Even some of the best dhs don't 'buy stuff.' Have you read through this thread? And some of the best women don't sit around smelling nice. Have you read the other thread about how much money some women on this site make a year? You should.
C) unless you live in a country where women aren't allowed to own land or leave the house without a man, just 'having a husband' never did anything for anyone. Having a good husband--that's another story.

amother

Red

Thu, Dec 29 2016, 5:32 am

in a shiur ive heared a year ago the rebbezin spoke about men who have NO TALENT IN GIFTGIVING . she spoke about women who recieved supermarket giftcards for their 20 year wedding aniversary, who recieved cotton pyjamas for their 30th bday...

so her advice was: agree with your husband how much money he is willing to spend on you on average (every family is different!) - giftwise

then go ahead and buy things you would NOT buy yourself (jwelery, kitchen items, accesories...), let them wrap them and add nice notes (but let your husband fill the notes with a personal sentance or blessing...).

store the things. next time mikve night comes up, givr him the wrapped gift and card and let him hand it to you saying something special.

YES the first few times you will be feeling strange afterall YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GET, but you get something that you fancy and like and really enjoy using/Wearing.

indeed no matter how the financial situation is every woman should recieve.

I really dont care about gifts,and I usually dont expect much and dont spend much on myself unless I really need something.

but we tried the system nontheless.

last mikve night I recieved a bathset (5 dollars on sale, looks fancy, I love the smell , I love using it, I would have NEVER bought it stam and I really agnolwledge it as my dH gift to me).

first night chanuuka I recieved a beautiful serving tray for shabbes- again something ive seen in the shop and think " wow I would love to have somthing in this design and style" and I could see myself serving guests, but I would have NEVER bought it for myself - the cost was 15 dollars on sale). it was wrapped in gold paper and dh wrote a dvar tojre in the card and added golden draidedles to the wrapping so he even personalised it and he was so glad that I get soemhting I like and I was glad I didnt have to say thank you to silly gift that would just cause tension in our relationship.

I wonder what occasion I will recieve the branded mascara??? Wink

btw Im sooo looking forward to next shjabbos I really want to use the tray , dh already tojveled it Smile

I suck it up: I have an amazing dh who doesnt know how to give material gitfs- so what?

amother

Cerulean

Thu, Dec 29 2016, 6:11 am

amother wrote:

btw Im sooo looking forward to next shjabbos I really want to use the tray , dh already tojveled it Smile

I suck it up: I have an amazing dh who doesnt know how to give material gitfs- so what?

Im happy for you that this works for you. But my love language isn't gifts but acts of service. When I ask dh to get me something specific which I always do, the real thing I appreciate is not that dh paid for it but that he did the work of getting it whether he went downtown to the store to buy it or went to the post office to pick up the package. As a matter of fact, a fabulous gift for me would be volunteering to do all the shopping for the next week or month or whatever, and I would totally ask for that IF dh could be trusted to buy what I tell him to, which as you can see he can't be! I'd ask for skim milk and whole wheat bread and he'd bring back heavy cream and a cake because they're fancier and more impressive.

I enjoy shopping only slightly more than I enjoy going to the dentist, and If I have to go through the bother of shopping for the gift that dh will pay for, it's not a gift but a business transaction.

amother

Bisque

Thu, Dec 29 2016, 7:15 am

MagentaYenta wrote:

Yes, in the past we went on a two-day break and he found sitters for the kids. The point is that if I had booked childcare, I would have been yet again responsible for organizing the trip. I wanted nothing to do with it, that was the present I wanted. If I have to be involved at all, then it ruins it for me and doesn't feel like a present. As Cerulean says above, the gift is about saving us the bother of doing something we'd prefer our DHs to do. If I had organized childcare it's probable the same outcome would have occurred anyway as unless I book the hotel rooms, we never go anywhere. We have never gone anywhere in our marriage without me having to do most or all of the work. Hence, my dream birthday present is that I don't have to organize the trip at all.

amother

Amethyst

Thu, Dec 29 2016, 7:53 am

OP, your anectodes about your dh going totally over the top really cracked me up. It's kind of sweet in a way but seriously frustrating.

Just want to share--my dh does the opposite. He tries to save as much as possible. When I had a baby boy last year he KNEW to come to the hospital with a gift (he hadn't gotten me anniversary, bday, or baby gifts until then since we're newly married. Not even a card Rolling Eyes

. So he knew.) he came to the hospital with a bangle. He was so happy because it was a really amazing price. I tried it on and it fit around 2 of my fingers. It was a baby bangle. Rolling Laughter

he literally chose the best priced bracelet in the store.
Unlike you, I'm pretty open about it when I don't like something. Or when it literally doesn't fit. So dh and I decided to go TOGETHER to get me jewelry, and I think that's what we'll continue to do. He can't buy gifts without me any more.

madys

Thu, Dec 29 2016, 9:36 am

I've been married almost 20 years and some years DH buys me something great, and other years something terrible, like nail clippers (yes he actually bought me nail clippers)

He tends to buy practical gifts (like a kitchen timer)

Like the OP, I spend weeks picking out the perfect gift for him, and he is always surprised and happy with what I've gotten him. I posted here before Fathers Day about a gag gift I can get him to drive home the point, and it was suggested to get him a nose hair clipper. And guess what? I got him a nose hair clipper. He was cracking up when he opened it, but you know what? It drove home the point. For my birthday a few months ago, he bought me a gift certificate for an hour foot massage at a spa!! (as well as wire baskets for onions and potatoes that I was looking to buy anyway).

People say men can's change, but maybe they can! Here's to wishfull thinking!

moonstone

Thu, Dec 29 2016, 11:16 am

essie14 wrote:

Before we even got married my DH told me he's a terrible gift giver.
My DH thinks of me every single day. He takes out the garbage, washes the dishes, takes care of the kids, helps with laundry & cooking, sweeps the kitchen after supper -- literally anything he can do to help me and make our household run smoothly. I do not need him to aimlessly walk through the mall trying to find a present which I most likely will dislike just to have him prove his love for me. He will either go shopping with me and tell me to pick out my birthday gift or he will ask me what I specifically want.
I don't get angry or upset - I don't want or need junk just be "surprised".
I have zero problems with this.

I was just about to post almost exactly the same thing. My DH does so much for me and our family on an everyday basis... He cannot buy a gift to save his life and I couldn't care less. The last time he tried was a few years ago. It was a pair of earrings that he truly thought were beautiful - but they were ugly as hell and I never would have worn them. He totally understood when I asked (nicely) if I could exchange them. He knows that he doesn't have great taste in certain things and was glad that I exchanged them for something I liked. So now he takes me to a fancy restaurant on my birthday. This is what I most enjoy, better than any gift.

OP, I really think some men are clueless when it comes to gifts. The fact that your DH really thought the airline voucher was a good gift.... It's clear his heart is in the right place and his intentions were good, but again: clueless. I think you just have to be very clear about what you want. Be firm : please get me x, no substitutions. Or ask him to choose an "experience" gift: tickets to a concert or event youd both like. Maybe he'll be better at that. Good luck!

amother

Mustard

Sun, Jan 01 2017, 7:06 am

amother wrote:

I'm sorry op that is hard. I have the same situation. My husband will offer me dinner or jewelry for my birthday and then buy me a fake real necklace that is hideous for $50. I've told him costume jewelry is nice at that price as long as it's not fake real. I've even told him I can show him pics of costume pieces I liked at a certain store but he wasn't interested. I told him Groupon deals on jewelry are insulting. And after spending time picking out several thoughtful chanuka presents for him I find out he ordered a fake bracelet on groupon for $35. I saw the pic. It's hideous. I told him I can't even pretend and he should try to cancel the order. So I get you. And I love the previous posters idea. You should use it for a vacation for you. And at very least, if that won't work give him the raw chopped meat for his next birthday. And please post the video of him unwrapping it here.

So the hideous bracelet came yesterday. He handed it to me gleefully though I think it was a show because he knew I didn't like it. It was worse in real than in the picture. I thanked him for the thought but said it's not my taste. Later I asked him what his thought process was. I asked if he forgot that I had told him Groupon deals on jewelry are offensive and that they are definitely not worth the price. He said he figured he could just not tell me where it came from and that this was probably an exception because he thought it was pretty (why doesn't he get that at $35 it's probably not an exception???). I asked him why he didn't take me up on the offer when I told him I saw some costume pieces I liked and wanted to show him but he refused. He said I can show him now. I feel bad. I think he's hurt. Anything I can do to remedy the situation?

amother

Plum

Sun, Jan 01 2017, 7:27 am

I'll buy you the small hand mixer and take the kitchen aid off your hand. I will even knit a scarf for you! I understand it is all about him. I have that too H else ke sto show off what's he got me even though it is not what I want or need.

amother wrote:

Don't bet on it. The following scenario plays itself out in my house year after year:

Me: Dh, for (fill in occasion) I would like you to get me a ___________ (fill in make, model, size, color if applicable.)

fast forward a few weeks. Dh hands me either:

a ___________ that is bigger, fancier, heavier, more complicated and harder to use than the make and model I specified; or

something else entirely unrelated to the item I asked for.

I asked for a small hand mixer for beating egg whites. Just a hand mixer because I have neither space to store a big stand number nor the strength to move such a thing around. Nor do I really need it for anything beyond beating egg whites. I got a Kitchenaid boat anchor that sits on the kitchen floor and trips me up every time I need to get something from that corner.

I asked for a Parker ballpoint pen to replace one that I loved and lost. Davka a Parker. Davka a ballpoint. I got a Mont Blanc fountain pen with a 14K gold nib. I hate fountain pens.

I asked for a small digital alarm clock with big LED numbers so I can see them in the dark without my glasses. Just. an. alarm. clock, and small so it doesn't take up much space on the dresser. I got a radio/CD player (no clock) the size of a small doghouse.

I asked for a winter scarf, the kind that's about 8 inches wide and six feet long that you throw around your neck over your coat to keep the wind out. I got a late-model smartphone. I can spend a week's salary on Amazon Prime during my morning commute, but my neck is still cold.

Now Dh is an otherwise intelligent man and reasonably thoughtful as dhs go. he can follow directions on how to assemble a computer or Ikea bookcase. he doesn't suffer from any sort of processing disorder, language difficulty, dementia, attention deficit, hearing loss or any other condition that might account for his apparent inability to carry out a simply stated purchasing mission. I believe my requests are reasonably clear, specific, measurable , and doable. I'm not asking for things that don't exist or can be acquired only in a tiny village at the bottom of a precipitous gorge in the heart of the Amazon jungle.

But do you see the pattern? I ask for simple things that are useful and not very expensive. Dh goes for impressive. To H*** with what I want. I obviously don't know what's good. I obviously don't know what I want. Dh knows better.

That's when I go out and buy myself exactly what I want. Dh "gifts" collect dust for a few years before I give them to one of the kids or to Goodwill. I'd rather he didn't buy me anything at all and just gave me a card, because while he's spending money, he's not showing any kind of caring about ME. It's all about him and looking generous.I gave him the Love Languages book and explained to him what my main love language is. Hint: It's not money. I have told him only about forty times that spending money doesn't impress me. Listening and doing what I ask impresses me.

I may as well save my breath to dry my nails because the message doesn't sink in. Ever. I'm considering asking a psychologist if this is some sort of bona fide mental disorder because that's the only explanation I can think of.

amother

Crimson

Sun, Jan 01 2017, 7:53 am

amother wrote:

Yes, he's probably hurt. Sit down with him and just have an open conversation. Tell him that although this may be something he likes, it's not something you like, and because the gift is for u, maybe he could try to think about how you would enjoy the gift as opposed to him seeing something and liking it. (Coming from a woman who got a bottle warmer for Chanukah).