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-> Parenting our children
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amother
Orange
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 Tue, Jan 03 2017, 10:35 pm
I can be calm cool and collected, then I start snapping and/ or yelling . My kids are 1 and 3. I'll be talking in a calm voice and then I just lose it and start barking at them. When they are on top of me, overwhelming, cranky.. then I'll snap back to my calm self. I'm so inconsistent with them.
My baby doesn't like the car and screams in the car. It drives me nuts. I feel like I just cant get a break. I sing to her and it helps. Music doesn't. but when she keeps on screaming, all of the sudden I'll just yell "shut up!" Really loud because I'm so agitated- And then sometimes she does.
I know this is bad. Please advise
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amother
Linen
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Tue, Jan 03 2017, 10:47 pm
rubber band around the wrist. snap it hard every time you yell at your babies.
also get more sleep.
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abound
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Tue, Jan 03 2017, 10:59 pm
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get some sleep and go to a parenting class, knowing what to expect from kids and how to deal with them in different stages will get you to stop being overwhelmed since you will know what to do.
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ProudMommie
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Wed, Jan 04 2017, 3:12 am
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Oy vey!!! Please please ... read the R Arush Chinuch book.. it will help so much.. Please work on it... "The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice". ... I have done a lot of work in this area because I grew up with a lot of yelling and all that great stuff... and BH ... bli aiyn hara... have some understanding... If you want to talk on the phone, etc... it is fine too. pm me if you want.
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mamamia1
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Wed, Jan 04 2017, 5:58 am
Check out handinhand parenting.
Theres a lot of resources out there. Selfhelp /parenting classes. This combines the two.
As others have said you need new skills and help for yourself so you arent on the edge. Please do it for your kids and yourself !
Good for you for reaching out.
Good luck!
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saw50st8
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Wed, Jan 04 2017, 7:48 am
| amother wrote: | I can be calm cool and collected, then I start snapping and/ or yelling . My kids are 1 and 3. I'll be talking in a calm voice and then I just lose it and start barking at them. When they are on top of me, overwhelming, cranky.. then I'll snap back to my calm self. I'm so inconsistent with them.
My baby doesn't like the car and screams in the car. It drives me nuts. I feel like I just cant get a break. I sing to her and it helps. Music doesn't. but when she keeps on screaming, all of the sudden I'll just yell "shut up!" Really loud because I'm so agitated- And then sometimes she does.
I know this is bad. Please advise |
It's totally normal to be overwhelmed and lose your cool.
Is your baby still in the infant car seat? Many kids do better in a convertible because it's more comfortable.
Instead of yelling at your kids, make sure they are safe and go to a quiet place for a few minutes.
Can you record your singing and play that?
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amother
Black
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Wed, Jan 04 2017, 8:00 am
Don't let them climb all over you if you are not up for it.
Spend more time on the couch.
Hire a babysitter during the day at least once a week and do something for yourself.
It's good you are looking to change. You are a good mother. Don't be so hard on yourself.
I'm in therapy and it's making me a much better mother. If you can afford it, maybe try therapy.
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amother
Chartreuse
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Wed, Jan 04 2017, 8:07 am
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this is scary, I have the same age and I am just the same, I wish I wasn't!!!
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thunderstorm
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Wed, Jan 04 2017, 8:15 am
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OP, I struggled with this too when I had my first two kids and they were babies. Also 3 and 1 and a half. I think back to those days and I can't believe I did that. As the years passed I became less and less of a yeller. I must've been really sleep deprived back then and that was my coping mechanism, it has been one of my biggest desires, to learn how to speak softly and gently to my children. Some of us have it inborn while the rest of us need to work really hard at it
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amother
Orange
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Wed, Jan 04 2017, 11:02 am
I have been having insomnia issues since my baby was born less than a year ago. When I am woken up a few times in a row I find it hard to go back to sleep and I can lie awake for hours. In the morning I am a mess.
This past week, with my older one sick and my baby getting teeth, it was multiple nights in a row of barely any sleep.
My husband is helpful but very busy.
Yes, I could use parenting classes.
Thx for your responses and support.
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spikta
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Wed, Jan 04 2017, 1:36 pm
*Hugs* Being tired is awful. You have so many thoughts about how you're going to be the patient understanding parent, and then after a few minutes of pointless whining you just don't have the inner resources to tolerate it anymore.
Besides parenting classes, which I think are great for everyone, remember to give yourself empathy. The kids aren't the only ones with boo boos that need to be kissed. It's really hard to be woken up all night and be cried at all day! You deserve comfort and love and appreciation for what you do, and you can give it to yourself. Especially when your baby is screaming in the car and there's nothing you can do about it anyway. Give yourself some validation and mental TLC: "The screaming drives me up the wall and I'm so tired. Being a mom is really hard. I put in so much effort and I don't get any breaks. I'm not being the ideal parent right now, but I'm trying so hard. What I'm doing is important and valuable and I'm doing my best".
Also, try and think if there's something that bothering you besides the actual unpleasant noise of crying. Is it embarrassing? Does it make you feel like a failure? Does it stress you out? It's not your responsibility to end all crying. Like the car crying for example. You'll do what you can, but ultimately, some babies are just going to cry in the car. Once you accept it as a fact of life, it's easier. You don't feel like you should be fixing it all the time, because there's just nothing you can do. Or tantruming. If you've given the kid alternatives and didn't manage to negotiate a solution they're happy with, sometimes they just need to be frustrated and scream. That's how they deal with their emotions. It doesn't mean you're a bad mom if your 3 year old is tantruming. So don't feel that you need to fix the crying and you're a failure if you don't. It's loud and unpleasant and grating, but it doesn't mean your a bad mom.
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BatZion
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Wed, Jan 04 2017, 2:04 pm
Spitka - I loved your post. I was in the middle of writing a response but the computer froze and then your post was up - thank-you for validating OP. I wanted to write along the same lines...
OP. I am sending you a big hug. As a fellow Mom who yells at her kids (2 under 2 BH). I hate that I do it and have been looknig extensively for books/classes/etc.
You need to find the method that works for you. For example, the elastic band suggestion above would do me no good- I beat myself up (metaphorically) enough as it is.
I wlill share something I found that worked for me -I am currently reading the (amazing) Henny Machlis biography (read it read it read it - a book on how a regular lady worked on herself so so much until she was literally a tzadeket and changed so many people's lives) and I found an amazing tool there that I used for the first time today and found it worked every.single.time and I pray to Gd it will keep working.
I will look it up later and make sure I got it right please Gd- but in short- Henny was advised by a Rabbi to work on her anger in such a way; when angered:
1. to immediately acknowledge that this is Hashem- yes Hashem is sending this test- seeing beyond the person (or one's own child!) who pressed your button. She would immediately respond quietly- "It is You Hashem"- so as to say- this person making me angry is You because there is nothing other than You in this world and You sent Him to me at this time and place because this is what I need (my additions).
2. Thanks- to thank Hashem- in this case I thanked Hashem today for my precious child (the one who had just flipped my switch)- Thank You Hashem for this child who You sent after almost three years of waiting for a child, Thank-you for his wonderful curiosity, thank-you for everything he adds to our lives, thank-you for entrusting us with this neshama etc.
3. Ask for help in working on anger- In my case it was something like Please H give me the tools needed to bring up this neshama, to help him reach his potential-allow me to do so without anger, with love, etc.
This method was mind-blowing. For me. Again- Halevai (Hebrew loosely translated to mean "I wish/pray/hope) that this should help you or others- and it should be a merit for Henny Machlis AH- I thank Hashem for sending the book my way. But- it's up to you to go searching for the methods to help you.
Again, I send you hugs and ask you to hug yourself- because I am sure you are a wonderful Mom and you only want the best for your children.
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amother
Orange
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Wed, Jan 04 2017, 5:23 pm
So many insights and great advice
I checked out the article in the link. I do need to set boundaries. I hold my baby all the time and don't like to let her cry. I find it hard to get to the bathroom.
Spikta, I think the car is like my time to relax and not do much (except drive), listen to some music and I feel like its not fair to have to listen to her screaming.
She is in a convertable car seat btw.
Thx for giving me perspective- I would like to read the book about Rebetzin Machlis
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amother
Oak
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Wed, Jan 04 2017, 5:30 pm
| BatZion wrote: | Spitka - I loved your post. I was in the middle of writing a response but the computer froze and then your post was up - thank-you for validating OP. I wanted to write along the same lines...
OP. I am sending you a big hug. As a fellow Mom who yells at her kids (2 under 2 BH). I hate that I do it and have been looknig extensively for books/classes/etc.
You need to find the method that works for you. For example, the elastic band suggestion above would do me no good- I beat myself up (metaphorically) enough as it is.
I wlill share something I found that worked for me -I am currently reading the (amazing) Henny Machlis biography (read it read it read it - a book on how a regular lady worked on herself so so much until she was literally a tzadeket and changed so many people's lives) and I found an amazing tool there that I used for the first time today and found it worked every.single.time and I pray to Gd it will keep working.
I will look it up later and make sure I got it right please Gd- but in short- Henny was advised by a Rabbi to work on her anger in such a way; when angered:
1. to immediately acknowledge that this is Hashem- yes Hashem is sending this test- seeing beyond the person (or one's own child!) who pressed your button. She would immediately respond quietly- "It is You Hashem"- so as to say- this person making me angry is You because there is nothing other than You in this world and You sent Him to me at this time and place because this is what I need (my additions).
2. Thanks- to thank Hashem- in this case I thanked Hashem today for my precious child (the one who had just flipped my switch)- Thank You Hashem for this child who You sent after almost three years of waiting for a child, Thank-you for his wonderful curiosity, thank-you for everything he adds to our lives, thank-you for entrusting us with this neshama etc.
3. Ask for help in working on anger- In my case it was something like Please H give me the tools needed to bring up this neshama, to help him reach his potential-allow me to do so without anger, with love, etc.
This method was mind-blowing. For me. Again- Halevai (Hebrew loosely translated to mean "I wish/pray/hope) that this should help you or others- and it should be a merit for Henny Machlis AH- I thank Hashem for sending the book my way. But- it's up to you to go searching for the methods to help you.
Again, I send you hugs and ask you to hug yourself- because I am sure you are a wonderful Mom and you only want the best for your children. |
Thank you so much for this post. (I am the op of the how does therapy help thread). I try to do this sort of thing but not in such an organized fashion. It sounds amazing to have a tool like that. Can someone post the exact name of the book or a link?
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smilealot
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Wed, Jan 04 2017, 6:06 pm
Thanx for sharing that batzion.
Op. I always say that the most challenging and draining time is when u have a baby and toddler - like u do. It's so very tiring.
I was constantly like that too and I found that parenting courses helped me a lot.
I now hope to try rebbetzen machlis s approach.
Good luck.
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Coffee Addict
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Wed, Jan 04 2017, 9:00 pm
I couldn't help but laugh out loud, when I imagined myself how your screaming shut up on your 1 year old!!  like she'll stop right away....
Seriously, I definitely understand you. I also struggle with this, I'm much better though. Its NOT EASY with screaming little kids. You got some great replies. Good luck!!
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amother
Sapphire
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Sat, Jan 07 2017, 9:17 pm
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emunahmother
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Sat, Jan 07 2017, 9:59 pm
| BatZion wrote: | Spitka - I loved your post. I was in the middle of writing a response but the computer froze and then your post was up - thank-you for validating OP. I wanted to write along the same lines...
OP. I am sending you a big hug. As a fellow Mom who yells at her kids (2 under 2 BH). I hate that I do it and have been looknig extensively for books/classes/etc.
You need to find the method that works for you. For example, the elastic band suggestion above would do me no good- I beat myself up (metaphorically) enough as it is.
I wlill share something I found that worked for me -I am currently reading the (amazing) Henny Machlis biography (read it read it read it - a book on how a regular lady worked on herself so so much until she was literally a tzadeket and changed so many people's lives) and I found an amazing tool there that I used for the first time today and found it worked every.single.time and I pray to Gd it will keep working.
I will look it up later and make sure I got it right please Gd- but in short- Henny was advised by a Rabbi to work on her anger in such a way; when angered:
1. to immediately acknowledge that this is Hashem- yes Hashem is sending this test- seeing beyond the person (or one's own child!) who pressed your button. She would immediately respond quietly- "It is You Hashem"- so as to say- this person making me angry is You because there is nothing other than You in this world and You sent Him to me at this time and place because this is what I need (my additions).
2. Thanks- to thank Hashem- in this case I thanked Hashem today for my precious child (the one who had just flipped my switch)- Thank You Hashem for this child who You sent after almost three years of waiting for a child, Thank-you for his wonderful curiosity, thank-you for everything he adds to our lives, thank-you for entrusting us with this neshama etc.
3. Ask for help in working on anger- In my case it was something like Please H give me the tools needed to bring up this neshama, to help him reach his potential-allow me to do so without anger, with love, etc.
This method was mind-blowing. For me. Again- Halevai (Hebrew loosely translated to mean "I wish/pray/hope) that this should help you or others- and it should be a merit for Henny Machlis AH- I thank Hashem for sending the book my way. But- it's up to you to go searching for the methods to help you.
Again, I send you hugs and ask you to hug yourself- because I am sure you are a wonderful Mom and you only want the best for your children. |
I read ur post and have been trying it out for the passed 2days and it's amazing! I have met rebbetzin machlis and although I vaguely remember her, I do remember how she opened her home to many and was amazing! Can you please share who this rabbi was or even PM me. It has literally changed the way I feel inside.
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amother
Coffee
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Sat, Jan 07 2017, 11:11 pm
A tip I was given recently that's been really helpful for when I feel like I'm repeating myself or my ds is ignoring me, which is one of my big triggers... I kneel down to his level, put my hand on his shoulder and look him in the eye and say whatever I need to say in a firm/serious voice... it's something small that's made a big difference.
Also, trying to identify triggers for myself and setting boundaries before I reach that trigger.
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