Cant handle a "NO"

amother

Peach

Wed, Feb 22 2017, 9:37 pm

amother wrote:

Op here

You are correct. The issue isnt the Broadway show. Its just that on the rare occasion that I say NO (regardless the reason) my dd cant handle it. She is locked in her room all day moping. Last time she missed a family obligation. The txt messages she keeps on sending me are so not appropriate.

I was looking for advice to have peace in my house again without giving in to her demands.

That is a huge red flag. What did you say no to at that time? Its possible that she feels like she is being treated like a child with too many restrictions so she is rebelling against that. I would send her to therapy and do a few sessions of family therapy to figure out what is really going on and how to deal with it.

That said, I would allow her to see a show. Her plans fell through and she is prob very upset about it so there is no need to add salt to the wound by not letting her see a show. There is a show called Yosef the Musical which is playing right now. I haven't seen it but I heard it's very good and very clean and she can meet the cast members after the show for $10 extra (unless you get VIP tickets which comes with a backstage pass already). Good luck! http://www.yosefthemusical.com/about/

amother

Blush

Wed, Feb 22 2017, 10:13 pm

MagentaYenta wrote:

Have you explained to her why you are saying no? (I'm coming back to these theme again since I'm not the only one who mentioned it.)

Now if you want to say no to Broadway shows if they are inappropriate do so, and tell her why. If I was getting rude texts I'd just take the phone away and explain that I did not purchase it so that she could send me rude texts. At that point I would ignore the pouts etc. There are far worse things than an angry pouty teen.

I never said no. When I got home she was already in her room mad at me because the person I called for information contacted her. She never gave me time to process her request.

I did let DD know today that had she communicated with me and given me time then we would have allowed her to go. I gave her a chance to talk to DH (he was at work) and apologize since she crossed the line with him. She misused that opportunity. Had she spoken properly we may have let her go.

She totally lost it. Im not exactly going to push myself in her room to take away the phone. DH is looking into disconnecting it temporarily. We warned dd and asked her to come out and talk. She is threatening to break her phone now.

I dont think that her behavior is ok. I dont know how to make her stop. She is trying to bait me and say that I dont let her get her nails done...... She never asked for any of these stuff.

amother

Blush

Wed, Feb 22 2017, 10:32 pm

amother wrote:

She has almost no obligations. She is 15 and hasnt changed her linen or cooked a pot of water. She doesnt like helping or cleaning and we ask but dont force her.

She asked for a phone and got it with a filter as agreed. All of her friends have different types of filters or parental controls.

The last time this happened it was difficult to install a specific APP and a someone spent hours on it. After the first unsuccessful attempt DD lost it and missed a family obligation. The filter and the APP dont get along, but for the most part it works. Its such a silly app.

She has so many privileges. I drive her all over town all the time. She doesnt babysit like her friends do for spending money. She doesnt even make her lunch like everyone else does. I think that we spoiled her.

mummiedearest

Wed, Feb 22 2017, 10:43 pm

op, while I don't think her reaction is particularly mature, I don't think you're handling her requests very well, either.

questions:

1) why did you feel the need to contact a friend of yours regarding dd's request to see a broadway show? why not discuss your concerns with your dd at the time the request was made? have HER do the research to find out about the nature of her intended outing. don't have your friend contact your dd, that's weird. I can see any teen considering that creepy. your friend is not in a position to call her and suggest a different outing. why is your dd's spiritual well-being something to involve your friend in? I'd categorize that with your mom's friend calling you to tell you that your shirt is too bright, and maybe you should shop in this other store, sheifelah, wouldn't want you to be tempted to buy something untznius. very off-putting, to say the least. if you had asked your teens for details and left the research up to her, she would have sensed trust, which I think you lack.

2) why is a movie theater ok for a high school graduate but not for a high schooler? what is it about that day of graduation that suddenly makes it appropriate? if these are movies they'd be allowed to see at home, there's nothing inappropriate about them seeing it in public. here's what happens at a movie theater: you buy a ticket, possibly some snacks, go into the theater, sit down, watch trailers for upcoming films, watch the film, comment on it loudly if you're a bad audience member, finish watching the film, go home. seriously, there is very little she can do in that theater that she wouldn't do at home under your watchful eye, and anything she could do there that you wouldn't approve of is not at all exclusive to the movie theater. unless there's a school rule forbidding it, movie theater going is really not a big deal.

here's what your post reminded me of:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LI_Oe-jtgdI

mummiedearest

Wed, Feb 22 2017, 10:46 pm

amother wrote:

she does sound spoiled. give her responsibilities. she should make her own lunch, and she should make some money to spend. these are things you can put your foot down on. talk to her openly about the changes you intend to make, and let her know that the privileges she has will now have to be earned. as for movie theaters and broadway shows, I suggest you allow her to earn those as extras.

MagentaYenta

Wed, Feb 22 2017, 10:48 pm

amother wrote:

It sounds like you and she have a very complicated relationship. You resent her because she is spoiled, yet that was your contribution to the problem. Empathy works well in most of these situations but in your case I really would recommend some individual and joint counseling. It sounds like both of you need to get out of the blame game and learn some new communication skills. You cannot change everything overnight, going from permissive to non permissive on your own at this point. The dynamics are too messed up.

Good luck.

Last edited by MagentaYenta on Wed, Feb 22 2017, 11:37 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Blush

Wed, Feb 22 2017, 10:58 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

op, while I don't think her reaction is particularly mature, I don't think you're handling her requests very well, either.

questions:

1) why did you feel the need to contact a friend of yours regarding dd's request to see a broadway show? ...........

2) why is a movie theater ok for a high school graduate but not for a high schooler? ....

here's what your post reminded me of:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LI_Oe-jtgdI

1) ok. It was a very close relative. The relatives DD, a bit older than my DD is the one that called her.

It takes a village to raise a child. I cant do it alone. No harm in asking people for input. I did notify my relative of what happened after her DD called. Our kids are great friends.

My DD never went to a Broadway show. Neither did her friends. I cant ask about the environment. I did google the actual show when I came home, which was when she was mad in her room.

2- Its against the school rules. Once she is older I cant/dont want to control what she wants to watch. At this age I dont want her watching movies with relations scenes. (is this to harsh of a rule?)
I do allow DD to go to all 3D and 7D movies in the mall.

Obviously its easy to blame me and take DD's side because you feel that she cant defend herself her. Are you actually promoting a house with out rules or values?

mummiedearest

Wed, Feb 22 2017, 11:48 pm

amother wrote:

1) the village theory is nice, and it is valid. however, your relative felt it her place to speak to your dd about it. getting advice is one thing, pulling yourself out of the discussion is another. I understood that your dd had not been to a broadway show before. asking her about the environment is still possible. it involves having a mature conversation. example: "dd, I don't feel I know enough about broadway shows to make a decision on my own. do you have friends who could answer some questions for you? these are my concerns: appropriate environment and subject matter. ask around, let me know what you find out, and we can discuss this further."

it's not about lack of rules, it's about letting your dd understand the concerns and take responsibility for her own activities. you waited until she was mad to google the show? if you had that as a possibility, why didn't you have her google it when she asked? why the delay? why ask your relative to get involved rather than just keep it simple?

2) not wanting your kid to watch s-x scenes is normal and fine. again, I mentioned movie rating is important.

I should point out that if the school rule is no movie theaters, 3D and 7D movies are included. so you're letting her break the rule anyway. it sounds like you don't trust her to stick to appropriate movies when you're not there. I think the broadway show issue stems from the same place. teens are very sensitive to lack of trust. btw, giving responsibility around the house indicates that you trust them to do things well, properly, and on their own. if your child has never even boiled water, she hasn't had the experience of her parents trusting her to make a cup of tea properly. my nine year old makes tea, scrambles her own eggs, cooks pasta, makes salads, cleans the hamster cage, cleans her room, will occasionally pack herself and sibs lunch, does laundry, mops floors, cleans bathrooms. she has few day to day responsibilities, but she knows how to do these things, and she knows that I trust her to do them correctly. you ask if I'm promoting a house without rules and values. it looks like you have very few for your dd, and those you consider important don't seem to have real reason behind them. if you don't want your kid watching s-x scenes, outlaw films that contain s-x scenes. set guidelines for outings, don't outlaw them based on ignorance, fear, or lack of trust.

all that being said, I don't think your dd's behavior is correct. I did say it was immature. it's important for you to understand where her issues might lie, and you're the one in this conversation, so I explained it to you. if she were part of this conversation, my posts would be different.

amother

Coral

Thu, Feb 23 2017, 4:22 pm

amother wrote:

I think that this part should have been handled differently by you.

Essentially, dd feels upset because of something you did. Whether you (or her) are right or wrong, you never address her feelings here at all, you just tell her how wrong she is. Next time, I recommend starting by identifying with her feelings. Ask her why it bothered her. Ask her how you should have handled it. Make her feel like you want to work it out. Then, once that is discussed, you can tell her what upset you too. If she feels listened to, she is more likely to listen to you.

In general though, she is walking all over you. She knows you can't say no and is manipulating you using several methods. If you start being very strict now, it will backfire and cause full scale rebellion. You need to learn some effective parenting techniques for a teenager quickly, which will allow you to set boundaries but foster and open and mature relationship with your teen. I recommend the following books:
1) "P.E.T. Parent Effectiveness Training" By Thomas Gordon. One of the best parenting books out there, applicable for teens as well. But, hide it from her. My mom was a really under-skilled parent when I was a teenager, she bought this book, and then I read it before her in order to counter her change in parenting skills (yeah, that's how manipulative I was as a teen). But, it is a really great parenting book, and I actually still use the techniques in my own family after reading it so many years ago.
2) "How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk" By Adele Farber and Elaine Mazlish. This is the teenager version of their other popular parenting book. Also one of the bet parenting books out there. Will really help the communication, which helps everything else.
3-4) "For Parents and Teenagers: Dissolving the Barrier Between You and Your Teen" and / or also the book "Unhappy Teenagers: A Way for Parents and Teachers to Reach Them", both are by William Glasser. He has a totally different approach to raising children, and it really changed my whole outlook on parenting. Not everything he writes was useful for me however, and I disagreed with some of his ideas. But it can provide some useful info and methods and had a really positive impact on how I relate to kids and people in general.