Sending older kids away after giving birth

DVOM

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 10:14 am

Another post got me thinking... Do you send you older kids away when you give birth to a new baby? Who do you send them to? How long do you send them for? A day or two? A week or two? How do you feel it works out for you, your spouse, your older kids?

I have four kids, all born about two years apart from each other. I've never sent my kids away overnight after a new baby is born, so this is a novel concept for me, and I admit it caught me by surprise. When I have a new baby, my older kids need me so much. They also need to see and touch and interact with their new sibling who they've been looking forward to meeting for so many months.

I have sent my bigger ones out on playdates with friends, or my mom has sometimes come to spend the afternoon and takes them out for a few hours so I can rest.

amother

Cyan

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 10:20 am

I always sent away the older child/children. They stay at the homes of close relatives whom they know: my mother, my sisters, etc.

They are away for some time between a week or two, depending on the age of the child, the timing of the baby (I had one a week before Pesach!), and how happy they are being there.

This is very common in my circles.

amother

Babypink

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 10:22 am

Absolutely not. I had 4 under the age of 7. After my 2 days in the hospital , I came home and joined the rest of the family. My kids, my responsibility. It would've upset them to be at someone elses house at a time when so many changes were happening.

mha3484

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 10:28 am

I have never heard of it. I feel like my DVOM that my kids need me more after birth. My parents both work full time and my siblings don't live in my state so it would not be an option anyway.

amother

Wine

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 10:30 am

In chassidish circles it's standard. In fact someone I know sent her older kids (babies) away for 4-6 weeks. I only have one child as of now but I do not grasp this concept and probably will never do it to any kid of mine.

Chayalle

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 10:49 am

I send my kids away for the duration of my hospital stay after birth, and I wish I didn't have to do that, even. I have 3 girls B"AH and my last two were both born on Fridays, so I was in the hospital over Shabbos and DH stayed with me. My girls went to close relatives for that Shabbos, and both times, they were homesick and wanting to be back home with us.

I really do feel I need that rest in the hospital - I wouldn't have been ready to go home right after birth before Shabbos. So they stuck it out until Sunday, and then we bonded as a family as soon as I got home. I'm lucky that both times were vacation times for the girls (one born in the summer, one right before Pesach) so there was no school pressure, and more time to just sit and enjoy the new baby together with the bigger kids.

I once hosted a nephew for 2 weeks after a baby. I really offered to do it for one week, and was pushed to do another week. IMVHO it was not good for him, and he really needed his mother. It was hard on us too.

tichellady

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 10:53 am

My parents didn't do this, but they were able to hire more household help when there was a newborn. When they went to the hospital to have babies, family or good friends would help out until they returned. My dad didn't stay with my mom in the hospital overnight after deliveries, he would come home to be with us. Also every family has different needs, finances and dynamics

dancingqueen

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 10:55 am

Unheard of in my world. Having a new sibling is a traumatic event for a young child and I would never want to displace them further by banishing them from their home after the birth!

amother

Pumpkin

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 10:56 am

It's probably easier if the child is totally at home and has spent lots of time with the hosts. Still, I assume that my kids would feel abandoned if they were farmed out just when a new baby appeared.

However, that is only my amateur opinion. I would be interested in hearing from a mental health professional. Do we have any child psychologists here?

mommy3b2c

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 10:56 am

When I had my baby my two older boys went to my mom for two weeks. She brought them to visit me the day after I came home from the hospital and they came to visit other times as well. My husband would also pick them up and take them out a lot of days. It's not like they didn't get to see their parents. Maybe I'm selfish, but I need to take care of myself after I give birth. There's no way I can take care of myself and my newborn and needy, clingy older kids. Maybe I'm selfish or incompetent or both.

PinkFridge

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 11:01 am

Evidently this is out of the frame of reference for many of us, absent special circumstances. But so is the kimpeturin home.
Different strokes. Do what works for you and not because it's "done."

Raisin

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 11:03 am

If I had relatives who my kids knew really well and they were happy there maybe I would do this for a few days. (with visits home) Not two weeks. That is excessive imo for the kids, the hosts, and the parents.

ohmygosh

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 11:07 am

It's extremely typical in chassidish circles to send the kids away for at least 2 weeks after the mother has a baby. Other than in chassidish communities, I've never heard of this being done anywhere else.

mha3484

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 11:08 am

As a child was I close with both my grandmothers and would have liked a few days of staying with them. My fathers mother was a lot of fun to be with. But I think after a long weekend I would have missed my parents. We have a housekeeper/babysitter who has been a part of our family for over 50 years. She is really like my third grandmother and my family treats her like a parent so she came to help when my siblings were born. I think if you can have help in the home its much better for the kids.

mommy3b2c

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 11:09 am

ohmygosh wrote:

I'm not chassidish, and it's pretty typical in my circles.

Iymnok

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 11:12 am

I NEED my kids around after birth. I give birth at home and enjoy family bonding from the start.
DH takes over. He does show me the kids clothes so that they don't clash, and the girls come in for help with their hair.
B"H my neighbors watch my kids in the afternoon and help get them to school.

amother

Cyan

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 11:16 am

amother wrote:

See, the difference is that I am home when I give birth. My kids aren't suddenly shipped off because I went into labor. They are on their regular schedule until shortly before delivery, literally an hour or two before. Then they come back to see me and baby right after birth. They know I'm home and didn't run away someplace. They come to visit me at home a few days later. They were all at the kiddush/bris of their sibling and saw me then too.

This is one of the things I prepare them for before the birth. We talk about a new baby. We talk about where they want to stay when Mommy is resting. We talk about them coming back home and helping to bring pampers for the new baby.

amother

Bisque

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 11:18 am

Yes I send my kids away for two weeks after birth. I am weak after birth and really need that time to recuperate. I know many people don't have this option but always wonder how they manage. yes, my kids miss me and all but they come home and after a few days things are back to normal. My husband and I went threw this as children as well, and bh we grew up emotionally intact so I'm confident my kids can handle it.

amother

Cyan

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 11:19 am

Iymnok wrote:

I wish I could do this, but

DH can't take over. His job keeps him out of the house from 6 a.m. until 6.30 p.m. There's no way I can do morning routine a day or two post-partum. My baby that was born a week before Pesach, everything was different because my kids were home from school and there was no set schedule. Wake up when you want, wear what you want... And DH was also off from work. So he was able to parent.

They came back home 5 days post-partum and BH I had no problem.