Sending older kids away after giving birth

amother

Green

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 8:20 am

Here are my thoughts on the topic, fwiw:

I keep my kids home after giving birth. Is it easy? No, but waaaaaay better than the alternative. It's a time of change and upheaval and that's when kids need to be home with their parents and have a normal consistent routine. Davka then is when they need to be with their parents and family.

I once saw quoted on here about sending kids away, that it makes the siblings feel "like they were traded in for a newer model".

I truly feel bad for the kids that go away, I have seen how difficult it is on the kids, even if they are going to tante bruchie.

If you lower your household standards for the first few weeks after birth, it's definitely doable.

(refering to vaginal births, not c section)

cozyblanket

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 8:20 am

amother wrote:

I didn't have anyone send me any meals after my kids were born. Not once. We managed. Tuna sandwiches, pasta, and chicken cutlets on the George forman grill.
We lived in a huge mess and moved on.

I still see you attitude as entitled.

Your attitude is what I am talking about. That women with VB vs C are the same. That is the point. They are miles apart. They are not entitled, they very very much need your help. If you don't want to give it, then don't. But I hope other ppl do.

amother

Oak

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 8:27 am

cozyblanket wrote:

Someone recovering from major abdominal surgery cannot make pasta (that is a way too heavy pot for someone who just had all her abdominal muscles CUT), chicken cutlets or operate a gf grill. It is not entitlement. It is survival. From what delivery method were your kids born?

I can barely get myself an apple from the fridge after a c. I can't get in and out of bed. I sleep in a recliner. I can't pick up my sock if I drop it. I don't have family anywhere near where I live.

Don't judge ppl who you have not been in their shoes. Be happy you don't know what I am talking about.

So you personally reach out to the people who can help you. Complaining about it online doesn't raise awareness or help you personally.
I know. I have chronic illness and fatigue. There are days that breathing is too much work for me. I call people to come help me. I don't say that everyone with chronic illness needs meals for life.

cozyblanket

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 8:32 am

amother wrote:

Yes, that is an option. But can everyone recovering from surgery arrange all of their own help? Maybe, maybe not. It would be far better if the new mother who is a ton of pain and can barely move and beH is caring for a newborn doesn't have to ask herself.

I am not complaining! I got through it somehow.
I am hoping to educate a few ppl who don't realize the difference between the two kinds of Kimps. I believe this is an area that many ppl just don't understand the difference between the two. BH, I believe the reason for that is that they have never had a C. I am happy for them.

cozyblanket

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 8:33 am

flowerpower wrote:

Cozyblanket, I feel bad that you have such hard recoveries post c! It must not be easy. I recovered faster from my c-section than my vaginal births. By 3 weeks I was back to working part time.

Now, that is a powerwoman! What magic potion do you have? I am so happy for you!

mommy3b2c

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 8:34 am

cozyblanket wrote:

I just want to point out not to assume anything. There are vaginal births that are just as difficult as c sections.

cozyblanket

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 8:46 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

I just want to point out not to assume anything. There are vaginal births that are just as difficult as c sections.

Of course, every experience is different. I am not assuming that all VB are easy to recover from.

I just don't think some ppl realize that a c is major abdominal surgery and treat is as something else. Just want them to acknowledge it for what is it.

I didn't think this would cause so many responses. Sorry for hijacking the thread, but maybe now at least one person will offer a little more help to one friend who has a c in the future... I will go cook now. Good Shabbos.

amother

Green

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 9:10 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

I just want to point out not to assume anything. There are vaginal births that are just as difficult as c sections.

True, and that would go for all circles.

So...back to the original topic...why is it that almost across the board, chassidish families send away the children after giving birth, and non-chassidish families dont? It can't be that chassidish mothers are weaker after birth across the board.

WHy is it that litvish/yeshivish mothers of just as large families can manage after birth with their kids home and their chassidish counterparts can't?

Genuinely curious what the difference is.

amother

Olive

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 9:22 am

amother wrote:

There is a cultural difference at play here. Chassidim and Heimishe families of Hungarian origin, tend to pamper and "shoin" women. The prevailing mindset is that a "Yiddishe Mamme zol zich nisht mitchen". Cleaning help is almost a given, many are SAHM's and kimpeturin homes run a brisk business.
I'm chassidish. For various reasons, I chose to keep all of my children home after the births of their younger siblings. Family and friends were practically incensed! They kept on trying to persuade me to send my kids to them. When I stood firm, they tried to get my husband and my mom to intervene. When the baby was born, we were inundated with meals and offers for playdates. They were trying to compensate for not hosting my kids!

cozyblanket

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 9:22 am

amother wrote:

Who says they manage? They have their kids home, that is all we know. Even with my VBs, I just got through it, I can't say how well I managed. I had no choice of how to do it even if I wanted to send away (which I am not too supportive of, but it depends on the kids, etc.) - no one offered to have them, so they stayed home. I was happy to have them, but I don't think you can assume everyone manages.

Chassidish send away bc the option is available and supported in their circles.

mommy3b2c

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 9:29 am

amother wrote:

It's not they can't manage. It's that someone is offering to help them. Why should they be martyrs?

gold21

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 9:30 am

amother wrote:

Can you translate the Yiddish

A Yiddish mama ... what?

pesek zman

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 9:40 am

amother wrote:

I feel like we need a poll here because this is so fascinating

I'm of Polish origin (and lean towards MO rather than yeshivish) and didn't go to my mom (or hire any help) after my baby was born. My Hungarian cousins and friends were shocked and horrified. How could I not need my mother? How can I possibly manage?

Ahuva

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 9:45 am

The Chasidishe standard of sending older siblings away after birth is not done because the new mom can't manage. Its because family and friends are ready willing and able to do a chesed and help out. Also in my (chasidishe) cirlcles most children are not away for a full 2 weeks. More like a week to 10 days depending on the surrounding circumstances.
My children are not close in age so I never felt the need to send them away. I do however take children from my family and close friends gladly.

Laughing Bag!

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 9:54 am

I see everyone is up in arms about meals, It's not so much the meals, that can be taken care of with simple sandwiches and yogurt... but taking care of demanding little ones that can be taxing on a kimpeturin. Also IMVHO sending kids every afternoon to neighbors until bedtime is so much more unsettling than being in a stable environment full time for a week or 2.
Also not always is it easy to take things easy even when you know 9m in advance that you'll be a kimpet. Circumstances change, you never know how this recovery will be next to the one before, and a time like now before pesach the overall atmosphere can be overwhelming and being in kimpet on top just makes it harder.
The difference in chassidish vs others is cultural and I'm glad I'm part of that. I have BH hosted my friends kids in my house for 2-3 weeks and am happy when I get that offer back. I don't need the meals, and truth is I can't offer meals either but help is not only about the food.

pesek zman

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 10:05 am

Laughing Bag! wrote:

My point is that the CONCEPT of kimpeturin isn't necessarily unique to chassidish/heimish women. I know it exists in Asian cultures for example as well. But it doesn't really exist in MO circles. Please, fellow MO people correct me if I'm wrong

mommy3b2c

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 10:08 am

pesek zman wrote:

I am Hungarian. Not yeshivish, not mo. Maybe best described as modern heimish. I went to mom for three weeks with my first. For ten days with my second, and my son stayed by my mil for ten days. With my third I went home, and my two boys stayed by my mom for two weeks. I also hired cleaning help for everyday. And some babysitting help. My siblings and sister in laws all called to help me as much as possible. My brother drove my mom to pick up the car seat because my husband had the flu and it was erev rosh hashana so we only had a few hours. My sister ran to pick up stretchies. My mil bought a full layette and sent me tons of rosh hashana food for my hospital stay. My sil picked up a diaper bag. My other sil ran to target to pick up more diapers, because my husband had 103 fever. Basically, everyone helped as much as they could. Ironically, no one ever sends me meals😀 (Except my mil had food from a restaurant delivered the first day) and my mom and mil each sent some shabbos food.