Sending older kids away after giving birth

flowerpower

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 2:11 pm

I had a baby recently. My kids went to my siblings or mom for 2 weeks. I spoke to them daily and saw them a few times throughout- they filled me in on their exciting sleepvers they were having with cousins. My older kids stayed home though. The first 2 weeks post birth are crucial and if I don't rest up then then I will feel it for a while after. I have no regrets and my kids are not effected by this at all. In fact they are thrilled with their new sibling and can't get enough of her.

amother

Pumpkin

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 2:15 pm

The mothers I know who keep their kids home all had arrangements for their children's physical care (paid help, a relative, husband taking time off work, neighbors and friends). They were still resting and caring for themselves, but wanted the emotional connection with their older children. Why is that so upsetting? No one is saying that kids will be scarred forever by being sent away. It's just not what everyone wants to do. In fact, most of the developed world does not make that choice. So it's interesting.

heidi

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 2:15 pm

amother wrote:

Asking honestly, no snark intended.

Why is it that only chassidish ladies are the ones who say they are weak after birth? All the other women on here power through. Is it a learned feeling? A learned behavior? They hear their whole lives that one is weak after birth, so it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy?

Or is it the opposite? ALL women are weak after birth. But our larger society makes us bounce back so fast, be back at work and making family dinners by 6 weeks, that we have deadened the weak feelings and ignore it and power through?

Many women world wide have to birth the perverbial baby in the rice field, strap it to her back, and go back to harvesting. But other countries are starting to give mom more time - better maternity leave.

So what is it? Learned behavior? Taught and engrained that one is weak? Truly weak? Which group has the learned, engrained behavior?

I was truly lucky. My parents moved in with us for a week -10 days after every one of my births. So I had my laundry done and my dinners made while I was there supervising and dealing with my children.
I would never ever send my children away.
And I can't imagine having managed without my mother's help.
But my mother always says that when she and her friends were having children if they were lucky their parents came to see the baby, maybe bring a meal or a soup and then would go home.
And somehow they all managed.
I believe it's a learned feeling. If you have to manage, you manage.

MagentaYenta

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 2:15 pm

pesek zman wrote:

The girls come in to you during the actual birth, or in the weeks after? (Is it your practice not to leave your room?)

My DDs birth was planned as a home birth, the teens were with me when I labored at home and planned and on seeing the birth of their sibling. After I went to the hospital the girls were also with me in my labor suite.

Different strokes.

gold21

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 2:28 pm

amother wrote:

So yeah, I did have paid cleaning help for 3-4 hours every day, and my neighbors made suppers for about a week and a half, but the rest of the work still fell on me. My husband took off only a few days.

I think that's the reality for a lot of people.

I think I managed OK. I mean, we didn't fall apart. B"H. Cool

dancingqueen

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 2:47 pm

allthingsblue wrote:

I'm not chassidish, and I admit that I am weak.
The mothers who don't send their kids away fall in the following categories:
1. They don't have anyone to send to
2. They truly are superwomen who can handle it all with calm
3. They have their children home, but they get overwhelmed
4. They have their children home, get overwhelmed AND it shows in some way (losing patience with the older kids / husband, feeding the kids junk, letting them watch too many movies...)
5. They have someone help them

As I said, I've never heard of sending children away or going to kimpeturin homes before I joined this site. I still think sending children preschool age and under (which mine are) away for 2 weeks would be very difficult for them emotionally during a tumultuous time for them, plus I would miss them!

I don't consider myself superwoman and I do have help. First of all, my dh gets a generous paternity leave so he is around to help (insert plug here for higher education leading to great jobs Wink

. Plus other things that I/people in my circles do:
-paid babysitters/live-ins/babynurses
-parents come help
-cleaning help
-the common practice is my community is to provide meals for a pp family for close to a month
-dhs/friends/hire a driver for carpools
-even without paternity leave dhs are very involved in helping

Some women bounce back and manage without much or any of the above, but you don't need to send kids away to take it easier pp.

amother

Pearl

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 2:56 pm

I would not want my mother staying in my house for 10 days. It would be stressful on me and my marriage and I have a great relationship with her.
I don't want a random stranger aka nanny taking care of my kids. Family members is a better option for me. That is why I am ok with them going to my sister for a few days.
I don't like to take meals from others. Many times my kids won't touch it and It's a waste of time and money on the nice woman that offered to make my family food.
No one is a superwoman. I don't buy it. Many women are shmattas and I feel bad for them. If mama takes care of herself then she can be there more for her family.

gold21

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 3:07 pm

amother wrote:

Don't feel bad for me. I'm not a shmatta. I mean, we all have our shmatta days I think, but that's not exclusive to people whose parents are less involved postpartum. Wink

Like I mentioned, these things are very cultural. It is what it is. I'm so NOT a supermom, have no desire to be a supermom, could care less about being a supermom. I just do my best, like we all do. It's cultural.

Last edited by gold21 on Thu, Mar 16 2017, 3:15 pm; edited 2 times in total

amother

Tan

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 3:11 pm

Showing the flipside, when my baby was born money was very, very tight for whatever reasons. (when we became pregnant things were fine, and thsn they werent).. Our parents and inlaws came the day of the bris and expected to be hosted. I got 5 days worth of suppers. My husband could onlt take off the day he was born, 1/2 day the day I came home, and 1/2 day the day of the bris. He works 7:30 to 6:30, & two hours at night. We could only afford 1 hr cleaning help a week, and I went back to work at 6 Weeks.
The only way I survived at all is that my four older ones are in school/playgroup. But my toddler came home at 2, & I was on my own.
I muddled through. Probably snapped at the older ones more than I should, did not serve the best food, and barely took care of myself. Now 4 months later, im feeling much weaker and more overwhelmed than I usually do at this stage and have a mild touch of ppd. I strongly believe that the early rest cannot be overemphasized. Many people do manage, but at what cost and should they.

tichellady

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 3:21 pm

amother wrote:

Plenty of women are not shmattas. No reason to assume that. My mom had tons of energy after she gave birth. You have your own experience and they have theirs. I don't know why this is such a hard concept on this sight for people to get. Also people who have nannies don't view them as strangers. Not everyone has family they can rely on. Everyone does what works for them. If the mom and kids are all ok then no need to judge if the kids are staying at home or with families/friends.

amother

Scarlet

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 3:27 pm

Didn't read the whole thread. My 3rd is now 7 months old. I did not send away. I have parents not far who helped me but I wouldn't send them away.
By this baby happens to be my parents took all my siblings (No one married) on a. 3 day trip when my baby was 4 days old. The had invited my kids to go along 3 months before so I sent them. It was nice but I missed them.
I am one of the crazy ones who hosted a party the night he was born (in my home. And baby was born at hom). I am on a high after birth and feel it a month later.
Dh family sends the kids away and I honestly can't understand it at all....

amother

Scarlet

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 3:30 pm

tichellady wrote:

I just responded above. I am on a high after birth and love ppl around. I don't take meals as I feel I can cook or buy out. I definitely don't feel like a Shmatta at all. I hosted my baby shalom zachor and cooked partly. Mil and my mother insisted so I only made cholent. Kugel. Dessert . And soup for shabbos. (I had 25 ppl stay for shabbos)

amother

Gray

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 3:33 pm

dancingqueen wrote:

So you call in the category of having someone to help you.

amother

Pumpkin

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 3:34 pm

amother wrote:

Im wondering, do those of you who are so opposed to sending children away for a few days after giving birth, do you never go away on vacation without your children?

I'm not so opposed to sending out after birth if that's what works, but no I never left my kids for two weeks. And I certainly wouldn't go on vacation right after a major family change.

amother

Scarlet

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 3:35 pm

amother wrote:

Im wondering, do those of you who are so opposed to sending children away for a few days after giving birth, do you never go away on vacation without your children?

No. I have gone away on vacation without them. (For 3 days) They stay by my parents. I feel that my kids were on camp or school when baby is born and I am only dealing with them when they get home when they are so excited over the baby. And are easier.

cnc

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 3:38 pm

I send my kids to my mother. I'm not capable of taking care of my kids properly ( which includes cooking and serving 2 meals a a day, going up and down flights of stairs for a few shifts of school busses, and bathing , taking kids for therapy and other physical responsibilities )when I'm three days - two weeks postpartum.
Besides for that, by my last baby I did not have any other help- no daily cleaning paid help, baby nurses, or dinners from others.
I am very grateful to my mother and my kids were thrilled to be there and didn't want to come home.

Last edited by cnc on Thu, Mar 16 2017, 3:41 pm; edited 1 time in total

gold21

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 3:40 pm

amother wrote:

Im wondering, do those of you who are so opposed to sending children away for a few days after giving birth, do you never go away on vacation without your children?

I'm totally not opposed to sending kids away to family postpartum

But I personally don't

But no, I don't vacation without the kids. Don't have a good setup anywhere to leave the kids.

Tongue Out

DVOM

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 3:44 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

No one says you CANT manage. But why should you manage when you have loving, caring family willing to help you out? Who says it's a mitzvah to be a martyr?

All the smugness from some of the people who keep their kids home. Do they really think they're a better mom? And love their kids more?

Hey all, OP here.

Oh dear. When I wrote the original post I didn't mean to come across as smug or superior. I think there are lots of different ways to be a great mom. I'm sorry if it came across that way. I was more surprised and curious about how this works. I also really don't think it would work for me. My kids are so clingy and need so much love and attention after I have a baby. I think it would be really hard for them to be sent away, even if it was too a very loving bubby or auntie. It’s not that I never let them out of my sight. I let them spend a few days or a weekend here and there with my folks or with cousins and my oldest is old enough to have sleepovers with school friends. It’s particularly after birth that I think it would be very hard on them not to be with me, and hard on me not to be with them. As I said though, I am curious about how others cope.