Home with Mommy or at the sitter

behappy2

Wed, May 03 2017, 7:47 pm

I posted a bit ago about my baby becoming very kvetchy. She has calmed down a bit since. I cut out some night feedings and she started eating healthier by day which helped keep her blood sugar stable. I did some other preventative things so she shouldnt come down with anything. She still wants me to hold her a lot of the time, wants things I have etc...I find it hard to eat my meals when she is around and take care of the laundry, making supper etc...I started sending her to a babysitter for about 10 hours a week so that I can do the things I need to do. Now I started wondering if maybe it is better/ok for her to be distressed about me not being able to service her vs sending her out for so many hours. She is 13 months old. She seems to be happy at the babysitter. Which one is better for the baby. (This does not take into account the expense which we can't really afford and if I really am neglecting myself bec of her I know I need to send her out. ) would love to hear what you all think.

pesek zman

Wed, May 03 2017, 8:04 pm

I'm someone who has had her baby in full time daycare since she was 4 months; I think daycare/babysitter/playgroup is great. I'm assuming the babysitters are attentive and caring and providing the babies with stimulation and activities (not just leaving them to sit in the stroller) if that's the case, I think it's preferable than keeping her home. Daycare has provided my baby with things I never would at home (art, music class, yoga, messy play with things like sand or water, science etc etc) so I'm a huge proponent of it

LiLIsraeli

Wed, May 03 2017, 8:05 pm

It's more important for your child to have a mother who is calmer and less stressed then to have a mother who is frazzled and anxious and depressed, yet there all the time. Don't feel guilty about sending her out so you can have a break. There are 168 hours in the week, and you are taking care of her for 158 of them. Really, in the scheme of things you are doing the best thing for her.

Two of my children were at the babysitter for 6+ hours a day, 5 days a week from the age of 7-8 weeks old. BH I have healthy happy relationships with them. It's really not a big deal.

amother

Linen

Wed, May 03 2017, 8:29 pm

It sounds like I'm in the minority here and I don't think you're doing anything wrong at all, but the fact is that babies need their mommies. make sure that the time you are holding here is quality time, you're cuddling here, looking at her, talking to her, ignoring the phone and everything else... and then you can say 'mommys going to hold you as soon as mommys done eating.' or whatever. I know its hard, but keep in mind, this time is short and youre eventually going to miss these days...
I know you want to be told there's nothing wrong with day care - and I agree there isn't - but nobody can take the place of a mommy

LiLIsraeli

Wed, May 03 2017, 8:54 pm

amother wrote:

Please be careful with what you say. The OP is clearly struggling and the last thing she needs is to be sent on a guilt trip. She is doing the absolute best thing for herself and her child by sending her out for a few hours a week.

EDIT: Also, please don't insinuate that OP is not taking care of her baby. She is! Like I said in my previous post, OP is with her daughter for 158 out of the 168 hours in the week. As long as the babysitter is competent and responsive to the child's needs, let OP have her alone time that she sorely needs for 10 hours a week so she can be a better mother for the other 158.

Last edited by LiLIsraeli on Wed, May 03 2017, 9:36 pm; edited 1 time in total

behappy2

Wed, May 03 2017, 9:23 pm

LiLIsraeli wrote:

You are very perceptive. Yes. Everyone IRL is telling me to send her out. I guess I am feeling guilty. I don't work. We don't have extra cash. And than I feel guilty for leaving her. Sad

Tzutzie

Wed, May 03 2017, 9:23 pm

10 hours is nothing. And if this makes you a calmer happier more attentive mother, please continue that!

And as Linen amother says, these times don't come back! So send her to a nice babysitter so that you can be the mother you want to be and your baby deserves.
S/he isn't a newborn anymore.
I generally send my kid out for 2-6 hours a week, depending on the week. It was the best thing. And my only regret was that I didn't do it more.
But like you, I felt guilty. 'Cuz baby belongs with mommy.'
One morning, a few weeks in, I passed the babysitter on the street and my kid started yelling and motioning excitedly. She saw her babysitter! That took all my guilt away. She's happy there. She loves her.
The social interactions and stimulation is also very good for your baby.

It took 3 babysitters until I felt comfortable that my baby is happy there.
I only send her to that babysitter.
Other than my kid knowing her babysitter and her kids and feeling comfortable there and secure, another upside is that wheneveri had a simcha oot, I'd leave her with her babysitter or over shabbos, is was $$$ but so worth it.

Also, children attach to loving caregivers, they learn to trust adulta who take care of them, s/he will do just fine. Or even better because of that.
Good luck. And enjoy your little bundle.

P.s. toddlers ALWAYS want to eat from your plate. Smile

that's just what they do.

amother

Wine

Wed, May 03 2017, 9:29 pm

behappy2 wrote:

You are very perceptive. Yes. Everyone IRL is telling me to send her out. I guess I am feeling guilty. I don't work. We don't have extra cash. And than I feel guilty for leaving her. Sad

Perhaps look for a part-time job? Figure out what works for you and your family - it may not be what you pictured before you got married Very Happy

behappy2

Wed, May 03 2017, 9:31 pm

Tzutzie wrote:

that's just what they do.

Thank you and to everyone else that replied. I didnt expect this kind of encouragement. This was very helpful

Tzutzie

Wed, May 03 2017, 9:36 pm

behappy2 wrote:

You are very perceptive. Yes. Everyone IRL is telling me to send her out. I guess I am feeling guilty. I don't work. We don't have extra cash. And than I feel guilty for leaving her. Sad

That's nonsense. You're a wife, a mother and a homemaker. Of course you work
You mean you don't work outside the home?
You still need a break. You still need to eat in peace. You still have a need for some down time.

My mil, was always busy doing everything herself, she's 60 now, totally burnt out, and unfortunately a young widow.

My fil would always tell her to stop and go with him to isreal, (hes from there) go to the mointains for a vacation. Take some cleaning help. To bake less and buy more. But she had a need to do it all herself. And she felt guilty when she didn't.
Now her biggest regret is that she should have gone on that trip, should have sat outside with him. Should have helped herself and had more time to build more memories.

Please don't make that mistake (talking to myself here too)
Live like a mench. You are doing this to be a better mommy and a calmer you. Hashem will provide you (not talking about splurging on a cruize to the bahamas just because. Because He will provide) with your needs.

I've noticed, that somethimes when I frive myself crazy to save some money,like not having the cleaning lady, that money somehow gets lost somwhere else, wither the kids get sick and I have to go to the doctor -taxis $$ 7× 2 plus the deductable $$ 30 is a total of exactly how much the cleaning lady will cost me. $44!

amother

Smokey

Wed, May 03 2017, 9:55 pm

Everyone's toddlers are different. I do work. But my toddler is hard, and I would not be able to do anything all day if I stayed home with him. when he finally goes in for a nap, I need to put my feet up and relax from exhaustion. Plan to send out in summer to toddler camp for a couple hours each day so I won't have a nervous break down.

People who don't have toddlers anymore, or whose toddlers are so well behaved just will never understand. Yes babies need their mommy but Mommies need a break!
Totally get you! Keep up your amazing work.

People need cleaning ladies, and chesed girls, and a break from their toddler. We are human!

amother

Blue

Wed, May 03 2017, 10:01 pm

So I disagree with others. If you can't really afford it especially I think that 13 months is young to send out. She takes a nap right? That's good downtime for you. I really enjoy that bonding time with my toddlers. I just bring them everywhere with me, and it's not always easy but to me that's part of being a SAHM.

amother

Jade

Wed, May 03 2017, 10:07 pm

amother wrote:

Im a sahm of a 14 month old with older siblings. I would never send her out but no nap time is not down time. Its the only time I can get anything done.

Tzutzie

Wed, May 03 2017, 10:39 pm

amother wrote:

Not everyones kids are like yours.

My sisters kids are like yours, they can sit and play with toys for a long long time.
I have a large closet FULL of toys. All the kids like coming to play in our house.... but my kids want to "help"
Someone I know was not coping cuz her 6th baby was unpacking her kitchen cabinets. When my sister told her she has locks on all her cabinets she was so amazed at the "brilliant" idea. 6 babies in 8 years she never had a need for it!!!
Dd1 opened child safety bottles before her first birthday.

And I agree with previous amother, nap time is time to quickly put up dinner, sweep the floors and do some laundry. How long do you think they nap?

Please don't feel guilty. Do whats best for you.

lucky14

Thu, May 04 2017, 1:15 am

LiLIsraeli wrote:

I don't think she meant it the way you took it. I think she was just giving a reminder that we should show our children how much we care about them and as long as we're doing that then it's OK to send them out to someone for a bit. She made it very clear that she wasn't telling the OP it's wrong to send her child out. And it's true- we should try to make the most out of the time we have with them.

Also true that it's very hard to get anything else done while having to take care of someone at the same time. to the OP: 10 hours is fine if you've found a good sitter. don't be hard on yourself. Personally I wouldn't if I couldn't afford it. But you know yourself and what you can handle and what you need.

amother

Blue

Thu, May 04 2017, 1:36 am

Tzutzie wrote:

I didn't say my kids are easy or that they just sit and play. But if op can't afford it and she's a SAHM she can learn to manage to eat and take care of at least basics with her baby around as many of us do.

Sadie

Thu, May 04 2017, 3:35 am

13 months is not young to send a kid to a babysitter.
I work in a gan and 13 month olds are already getting stimulation from circle time, friends, and basic art projects. They love it. And ten hours is nothing. It's good for her to get a little change of scenery and for you to get a break.