Dd wants sherut leumi instead of Touro

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Plum

Wed, May 10 2017, 12:03 am

My dd19 is finishing sem in the States. It has been a mixed bag for her...she has grown (could just be due to being a year older), the hanhala is very caring, but she hasn't really had a great experience with most of the girls. DD is kind of Jappy (sorry..don't like that word, but..) She is working at a camp this summer with a sem friend. This girl is not so frum, and doing Sherut Leumi next year. Now, my dd has told me she wants this too. She has been to Israel a lot, including this year, so she is not deprived. She has lots of friends there that are into hanging out with boys, who did Sherut Leumi and I'm sure she just wants another year of fun in the sun.

This is after we made a trip to look at Touro and I paid deposits. I'm sure she is just floating a trial balloon and I said no. She is going to be 20 next year with no marketable skills and she is completely uninterested in dating, so from our perspective, she needs to have an education to facilitate an income for herself.

Truthfully, Stern would be a better fit for her (she is MO), but we cannot afford it as we won't get ANY financial aid (I'm sure....really). She is not our only child in college, and we pay full everything for the others too. Things are tight financially. I'm quite sure she will make friends easily as she always does, and she is just scared of the unknown. NYC is very intimidating as we are OOT. I'm not thrilled about her living in Manhattan, but it seems to be the only viable option right now. Her frumkeit is pretty fragile too. I think she just wants to extend her play-time. Some of her close friends are still in high school (even 11th grade), which I think is odd. She does not want to grow up and has some anxiety issues. I'm just out of options. She refuses to live at home; it would be hard for her as she's been out of the house for a few years. I also don't think living at home would be the best thing for her. Are there more modern girls at Touro??

amother

Royalblue

Wed, May 10 2017, 12:26 am

What about Bar Ilan? She'll be in Israel and getting a degree. I believe it costs less than Touro (free if she makes aliyah) and there's a huge choice of shiurim if she's interested.

amother

Plum

Wed, May 10 2017, 12:32 am

I actually mentioned transferring to Bar Ilan if she doesn't like Touro. I actually don't know much about it though. It's MO?

amother

Royalblue

Wed, May 10 2017, 12:36 am

Bar Ilan is a university, and it's big. Most of the population is dati leumi but also some charedim, chilonim and nonjews. She'll have to find her niche. I think it's worth talking to someone who's been there.

tichellady

Wed, May 10 2017, 12:41 am

There is a nice community of modern orthodox anglos at bar Ilan, although most of them will have made aliyah, is your daughter interested in staying in Israel?

amother

Plum

Wed, May 10 2017, 12:43 am

I think she will find her niche at Touro but is nervous, even though she is a total social butterfly...always worries about it initially. I'm not comfortable with a big university in Israel (or anywhere). She has medical issues too and needs US healthcare system. I think I haven't spoken too well of NYC, having lived there myself at 18 (not at Touro though) and I need to start encouraging much more strongly about the fun things to do there. Although, I encouraged her to go to this sem and she blames me for wasting her year. I do believe she will look back on it more favorably though, IY"H.

tichellady

Wed, May 10 2017, 12:55 am

Does your daughter have any idea what she wants to do career-wise? If not, touro may not be a great option. It's very career oriented and may be overwhelming for someone who is unsure of what she wants. Just my 2 cents, I could totally be wrong here.

amother

Pearl

Wed, May 10 2017, 1:01 am

Isn't tuoro expensive too? Can she take out loans for stern?

This is the dd who really wanted to go to sem in Israel but you insisted on America right?

amother

Plum

Wed, May 10 2017, 1:18 am

She tells people she wants to be an art therapist. That is her dream job. Not sure she realizes how much school is involved. She is going to try programming too, as they offer an intro and in high school she tried an AP class that was too advanced, but liked it. So, she is not 100 percent sure, but she is somewhat pragmatic and hopefully will settle on something quickly.

She could do loans but it would be a terrible burden to have a therapy salary with loans. We will pay for every one of our kids' undergrad degrees. After that, they can do loans if they want.

When we visited Touro, the girls were incredibly friendly and giving. I was very impressed and they put her at ease with their passion for the school. Dr. Luchins was very helpful and warm as well. It was a lovely place. Not so thrilled with the 25 block distance of the dorms but everyone seems to manage and they have van service after dark.

I did notice the girls were very academically driven and heading toward high paying degrees (physician's asssistant, biologist, computer programming). The girls were sweet and aidel (at least the ones we met).

amother

Plum

Wed, May 10 2017, 1:20 am

Pearl, yes, and I'm glad she stayed here because I had to make an emergency trip this winter when she was suddenly hospitalized. She truly cannot be left on her own with Israeli medical care. The medical issues trump everything else in the end.

Last edited by amother on Wed, May 10 2017, 9:39 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Aqua

Wed, May 10 2017, 1:32 am

amother wrote:

Israeli medical care is pretty good actually. If she really wants to pursue Israel as an option, first off, there is a lot of leg work to do to be able to do sherut leumi, just realize that. And second, maybe her condition is easily treatable in Israel.
Thirdly, touro has a good track for art therapy. A family member is finishing her BA in psych in order to be able to continue on to that specialty. I know the work was a bit hard and a lot, but this family member very much enjoyed it and it helped her to start to get to where she wants to be, career wise.

amother

Plum

Wed, May 10 2017, 1:39 am

Aqua, you made my night. I did not know they had anything really geared toward art therapy. That is going to make dd soooo happy! B"H

amother

Tangerine

Wed, May 10 2017, 2:44 am

Why are you so sure you wouldn't get financial aid at Stern? There are a lot of private scholarships. When I was at Stern I was on two merit-based scholarship, and one need based scholarship. There was also a work-study option where you could get a job on campus to offset a portion of tuition.

FranticFrummie

Wed, May 10 2017, 3:00 am

I have a LOT of health problems, and I have gotten nothing but amazing care in Israel. I could never afford this level of care in the US.

Do some research into Sherut Leumi, so you two have more to talk about. She may be able to do her service with kids who need art therapy, or something similar that would look good on her resume and college applications. Art therapy is a big thing in Israel too, and there are many good college programs here.

I'm hearing from you that you have a lot of concerns about her being out of your sight. Can you talk more about what you are worried about? 20 is not a baby, unless there is something really specific we need to be keeping in mind.

Iymnok

Wed, May 10 2017, 5:42 am

Are her health concerns something she can learn to handle herself?
She anyway will be living on her own in the near future.
FYI, israel is in the lead in many medical areas. Even a student can get Bituach Leumi and additional insurance.

Sadie

Wed, May 10 2017, 7:18 am

She's an adult, so technically she can do whatever she wants, but I think you should consider supporting her in a year of sherut Leumi. It's not a great idea to start college if you're still wishy-washy about it. Let her start studying for a career when she's more mature and sure of herself.
I have friends with serious medical problems who moved to Israel from the US and are very happy with the medical care. The price is right, too.

shirachadasha

Wed, May 10 2017, 7:37 am

If you acknowledge that she lacks maturity, starting college may not be right for her. You may end up paying a year of college tuition for courses she doesn't take seriously which could hurt her college career in the long run.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, May 10 2017, 7:44 am

shirachadasha wrote:

On that same wave length, if someone is missing the maturity then going 6000 miles away from home where language may be a problem and living on their own with other girls for the first time, may also not be the best idea.
I have a cousin who did sherut leumi. As an anglo in israel, an 18 year old girl, doing sherut leumi, as a new experience, with ok hebrew but not great, it was a shocking and not the greatest experience. This cousin said that if she would have to do it all over again, she would not have, she would have went straight to college (she lives in israel now, almost 20 years from then) but it is also an eye opening experience as well. Its not just a simple, lets do sherut leumi. There is also a LOOOOT of logistics to doing sherut leumi.

FranticFrummie

Wed, May 10 2017, 7:51 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Yes, this is the sort of stuff OP needs to hear. She needs lots of info on what is expected of SL girls, and what the girls can expect in return. Research and knowledge are power.

When the two biggest flag waving Zionists on the board are both telling to "check it out first", that really means something!

May Hashem guide you and your daughter to make the right decisions for her continued growth and full potential - and she should have a refuah sheleimah.

amother

Royalblue

Wed, May 10 2017, 8:56 am

A sherut leumi girl is not going to be on her own as much as she would have been years ago. There's now a branch for lone sherut girls, just as for lone soldiers. But it's still unsupervised. A girl needs some maturity and ingenuity to be here herself. However, you see lots of twenty year olds making aliyah on their own, and they are generally fine. A twenty year old is an adult, or should be.

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