Was your husband everything you wanted or did you settle?

amother

Cobalt

Thu, Jun 08 2017, 11:05 pm

I was 33 when I married. He was everything I wanted and needed: I didn't settle at all

Almost 6 years later, there are certainly things that aren't ideal, but there is no other. He isn't always everything I want, but he's everything I need

amother

Khaki

Thu, Jun 08 2017, 11:20 pm

My husband is a good, frum sincere person who means well and wants to do the right thing. He's not the most practical or worldly person which makes life more challenging and frustrating sometimes since the burden of dealing with life falls mostly on me. If I could have all of the above in one package I'd take it. However, given the choice between someone with worldly skills vs. middos tovos I would make the same choice again, in a heartbeat.

PS I was 21 then. I saw right away that he was a very good hearted and sincere person and I married him based on that. It took me much longer to realize his incompetence. Yes I did go through stages of grief when I realized that I basically had to be the adult in the house since he'd never be. We're in our 40s now. I've learned to accept him for what he is and we're both a lot happier now.

amother

Babypink

Thu, Jun 08 2017, 11:20 pm

Right after my marriage I loved my husband a lot. But he didn't satisfy in any way. I was so miserable. He seemed so not fixable. He never wanted to discuss our marriage claiming that it's not important, he didn't care for me at all. He was always right. He didn't let me cry. He used to yell at me for not thinking quick enough, and for forgetting names. I had to believe everything he believed otherwise I was disrespectful. I hate to go back to that memories.
I was so willing for our marriage to work out.
I learnt to be tough.
Now I'm 3 years after my wedding. My husband doesn't believe me when I tell him what he was like.
He's so embarrassed.
He's a different person now.

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Jun 08 2017, 11:21 pm

Settle? Anyone who thinks that they "settled" obviously doesn't realize that they are one half of a whole. There is no settling in marriage.

And if anyone believes that they "settled" in regards to their spouse, it means that there is some sort of defect in themselves to be noticing flaws in their spouse to the point that they believe themself "better" than him.

Nobody gets EVERYTHING they want, because no spouse perfect, for the simple reason that no human is perfect.

There's also this interesting aspect about humans: our wants change and involve with time. The things that we once wanted, become things that we despise, and vice versa.

There is no settling. There is the human condition that affects everyone: the lack of perfection.

ra_mom

Thu, Jun 08 2017, 11:21 pm

amother wrote:

When you married your husband, was he everything you were looking for or did you settle? How do you feel about it now and how old were you when you got married?

There is no such thing as a perfect human being.
When dating, one looks at the whole package and marries the guy whose positives overwhelmingly outweigh any negatives.
Nobody settles. And nobody marries perfection.

essie14

Fri, Jun 09 2017, 12:20 am

amother wrote:

At first he was everything I wanted. Now he's more than I ever dreamed possible. BH I am blessed.

Same. I got married at 39. Didn't settle at all. It was worth the wait.

agreer

Fri, Jun 09 2017, 12:53 am

ra_mom wrote:

Nobody settles.

Alternatively...everybody settles.

ra_mom wrote:

And nobody marries perfection.

Yup. The people who don't expect to marry perfection don't consider themselves to have settled.

But everyone settles.

amother

Linen

Fri, Jun 09 2017, 1:45 am

amother wrote:

Wow I'm married 7yrs and I'm still in the first stage of this, I need to stand up for what I want, need

amother

Puce

Fri, Jun 09 2017, 1:45 am

I totally settled. I thought I needed money, security, and community status.

I was wrong. I should have learned to be happy on my own, with a lower standard of living. I should have held out until my heart agreed with my head. I'm paying a very high price for it now.

Marrying for security is just another form of prostitution. Crying

amother

Linen

Fri, Jun 09 2017, 1:47 am

Im married 7 yrs, I didn't feel like I settled at all, I was a very happy kalla, but 2 yrs later I'm not so happy anymore.... He sticks to his family alot, he hasn't made me his family,,, Im not so happy in general

amother

Babyblue

Fri, Jun 09 2017, 1:55 am

amother wrote:

Yup... I have 3 men in my life .. DS1 21, DS2 19.... DH 57..
Guess who my biggest and most difficult pain...

amother

Peach

Fri, Jun 09 2017, 1:55 am

amother wrote:

Khaki - I have have something similar with my dh, but I need help with learning to accept him like he is. I am blessed as far as his midos, and I know it. But I find the other part very difficult. Can you tell me how you did this?

amother

Amethyst

Fri, Jun 09 2017, 2:04 am

He is so, so good and so good to me but I have so much trouble appreciating it... he really wasn't what I dreamed about. I always wonder where my head was when I was dating. Or rather, my head knew the facts that he is gold but my heart missed those qualities I dreamed about...

I too would love to hear from others how they got over this. Essentially I am blessed- his middos and as a father and husband are more than I dreamed of yet I mourn over the fantasy guy I created I my head, intelligent, adventurous, spiritual...

amother

Babyblue

Fri, Jun 09 2017, 2:13 am

amother wrote:

SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO GROW UP.....