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-> Household Management
-> Finances
crust
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 Thu, Jun 29 2017, 10:15 am
| dancingqueen wrote: | In chassidish circles do engaged couples not make wedding registries? Or get wedding gifts? Why does everything have to come from the parents?
I'm always amazed by the list of required wedding gifts from parents in these circles, it seems so over the top for two 18 year olds. |
Peolpe used to give drasha geshank, but somehow this minhag faded.
If what I heard is correct, At this particular wedding the couple was showered with money. People felt they have to take part because they knew the couple didn't get too much from parents.
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youngishbear
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Thu, Jun 29 2017, 10:26 am
| amother wrote: | They are wearing socks for the last 6 months weren't they? They can take them along to their new home.
I am sure they were given 2 sets of linen. I am not sure it was silk, 360 count, or damask linen. $100 dollar sets are fine. |
I don't know about you but my pantyhose need replacing after six months... If not earlier. 
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amother
Azure
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Thu, Jun 29 2017, 11:10 am
Well before we made chassunas we always wanted simple ones. Much like a nice barmitzva.
Well guess what? There happens to be another set of parents involved, plus chosson & kallah.
And for the sake of shalom primarily for our child we always always gave in.
True at some point we would put up our hands & say we're out but we wanted our child & child in law to be happy & have their parents get along (at least till after sheva brochos 😄)
Personally we would have preferred to give our couples the money. Invite close family for the chassuna seuda only & everyone else for simchas chosdon v'kalla.
But such is life. Still no wedding cost anywhere near 45k 🙄!
Jewellery for the kallah is really important I feel. And my daughter in laws all got bracelets/necklaces/ earring (one of) of their choice & in our budget. A diamond ring & wedding band.
My sons did not want a fancy watch .
One said he'd prefer seforim & if he got a watch he wouldn't wear it. One got a $300 watch.
Our daughter paid for her own sheitel as did our DIL's.
Most used their wedding money to buy furniture.
Parents helped with basic items like towels & linen.
There were extravagances at some of our chassunas which we refused to pay for but the other side wanted & paid (10 pcs band, open bar..).
I wear each gown to at least 2 weddings. It's beautiful so why wear once?
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amother
Pewter
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Thu, Jun 29 2017, 1:33 pm
| amother wrote: | Well, talking about cutting expenses and making simpler affairs. My sons bar mitzva is coming up and I want to make it simple but since me and dh both have 10 sibilings, most married, it is so expensive to make the seuda and have it catered just for family!!!
I dont want to be stressed about the finances so I want to invite his friends, and thegrandparents. Why invite his cousins/my sibilings and dhs sibilings when we are not close and they live far away?? It is so expensive just for family!!
My sis in law said she catered her sons bar mitzva and invited everyone in the family and friends.....well, she makes less than me I would like to know how she can afford it, bc why shoukd I be criticized if im trying to make the simcha within our means???
On one hand, we should invite sibilings but on the other hand, it is most important for my sons friends to be there for him and inviting everyone is too expensive!!!
Im glad this weddding was made within budget and wouldnt have mimded if my wedding was like this!!! As long as there is air conditioning, im okay!!! I would love to do this for my kids in the future, but the problem is what if the mechutanim dont want this???
I just dont understand how ppl. Afford schas when have a lot of sibilings??? |
Cousins under bar/bas mitzvah do not have to be invited. My sister did that.
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PinkFridge
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Thu, Jun 29 2017, 2:40 pm
| amother wrote: | | Cousins under bar/bas mitzvah do not have to be invited. My sister did that. |
But if families are traveling, they may have a problem; it's not a matter of getting a babysitter for a few hours.
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MagentaYenta
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Thu, Jun 29 2017, 2:43 pm
| amother wrote: | so so warm! I'd love that!
May I ask what the cost of such a wedding is? |
No idea I don't open other's purses and count their money.
My eldest DD was married at the family farm. We had about 200 guests. 5 friends did the cooking (sides only) men manned the BBQs (two spit roasted lambs and the usual burgers etc) , her younger sister made the cakes. Her fathers band provided some music, a friend was a DJ and there was also an acoustic group in the invitees. There were folks from OOS and locals. About 60 camped for a few days. The biggest expense was booze (but the oldest son is a liquor distributor) and porta pottys. It was very non traditional but very in keeping with our family values. We had zip lines and slip and slides going down the pastures, a fishing derby in the pond for kids, volly ball, croquet and badmintonn. The grooms family was from CO and were totally on board. Both the bride and groom were working adults with savings so they covered the booze. The flowers came from my garden. The table cloths were a variety loaned by friends and beautiful under the trees. Friends also hauled in extra picnic tables and loaned lawn chairs. (Local guests were asked to bring casual seating.) I don't know what the booze cost, but our total cash outlay was about $1k. The party lasted three days.
Last edited by MagentaYenta on Thu, Jun 29 2017, 3:44 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Amber
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Thu, Jun 29 2017, 2:45 pm
| youngishbear wrote: | | I don't know about you but my pantyhose need replacing after six months... If not earlier. |
Ok so get them pantyhose. And throw in a few chinelles she shouldn't have to cover her hair with towel paper.
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Health is a Virture
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Thu, Jun 29 2017, 2:59 pm
| amother wrote: | Well, talking about cutting expenses and making simpler affairs. My sons bar mitzva is coming up and I want to make it simple but since me and dh both have 10 sibilings, most married, it is so expensive to make the seuda and have it catered just for family!!!
I dont want to be stressed about the finances so I want to invite his friends, and thegrandparents. Why invite his cousins/my sibilings and dhs sibilings when we are not close and they live far away?? It is so expensive just for family!!
My sis in law said she catered her sons bar mitzva and invited everyone in the family and friends.....well, she makes less than me I would like to know how she can afford it, bc why shoukd I be criticized if im trying to make the simcha within our means???
On one hand, we should invite sibilings but on the other hand, it is most important for my sons friends to be there for him and inviting everyone is too expensive!!!
Im glad this weddding was made within budget and wouldnt have mimded if my wedding was like this!!! As long as there is air conditioning, im okay!!! I would love to do this for my kids in the future, but the problem is what if the mechutanim dont want this???
I just dont understand how ppl. Afford schas when have a lot of sibilings??? |
there are so many options when it comes to making bar mitzvahs. You could just make one party at a shul or small hall (depending on what is cheaper). invite family and friends. cook what you can,buy some stuff and pay some teenagers to serve. now, the truth ishe, if family lives far away, who says they will even come if it is just a one day affair? maybe only one or less person will fly in from each family. why do you assume the oey will all come in?
the other option is to make a bo b'yom just for the friends and just have shabbos with family or vice a versa.
r
also, you don't have to have a sit down meal. It can be buffet style and simple stuff like bourekas and shnitzel or spaghetti and meatballs. also, maybe other people helped your sil out like parents or in laws to help pay the bill. or, maybe she just spends her money differently than you.
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qwerty4
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Thu, Jun 29 2017, 3:07 pm
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The meals by weddings are a huge waste of money and food. A buffet style meal with the same dishes would eliminate hundreds of main dish servings going to the trash, and wouldnt diminish from the simcha in the least.
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Fox
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Thu, Jun 29 2017, 3:47 pm
I have come to accept that I live in an alternate reality.
I don't know how many weddings I've attended over the years -- let's say in the vicinity of 100-150. I only remember approximately five. Those five weren't memorable because I was close to the chosson or kallah; they weren't memorable because they were especially beautiful or lavish; they weren't memorable because they were particularly touching.
They were memorable because I had a good time, enjoyed myself, and/or felt that my presence really did add to the simcha.
Of those chassunahs, two were held in a local shul where volunteers cook and serve. One was held in a shul using leftovers from a local caterer, and girls from the high school came to dance. Another one was held at what I'm told is Lakewood's cheapest option. The final one was held at a hall in Boro Park where tables were served "family style" instead of plated.
In each case, the presence of every single person meant something. I saw people dancing with the kallah whom I haven't seen dance before or since. In four of the five cases, a DJ or one-man band was employed, and since the baalei simcha didn't have to get their money's worth, the volume was kept to a level that made conversation possible.
When I contrast those simchas with the wedding made at the Eden Palace by a relative a few years ago, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. My relative spent a total of $100K -- obviously not all on the venue/meal, but it was still billed as a deluxe affair.
Frankly, it was a joke. It looked like a bunch of people dressed up in their parents' clothes, trying to imitate whatever they'd been led to believe "class" looks like. No one could tell when the chuppah started or ended. People were literally wandering around the "aisle" as the kallah walked down. Seating between the chuppah and meal was extremely limited, with people perching on the steps.
Things didn't improve by the meal. The service was possibly the worst I've ever seen; the food was "meh" according to my DH and sons. My DDs and I wouldn't know. I didn't have silverware, and our waiter claimed there was no more. Huh? My meal disappeared when I got up to dance. My DDs fared worse. Their table was served during the first round of dancing, and several uninvited friends of the kallah actually removed my DDs' placecards and ate their meals unapologetically. One of these girls explained by saying, "Oh, we didn't know who you were."
How such a ridiculous circus can be compared favorably to a simple shul chassunah is beyond me. In decades past, a wedding was supposed to be an extension of a family's normal style of entertaining, not a Broadway show where the baalei simcha are shown to have more money than taste.
My oldest son got married in a backyard chassunah. He's the hippie of the family, as is his wife, and the guest list was limited to family and a few longtime friends. Almost everyone had the same reaction: "You're doing what?" beforehand and, "I had such a good time!" afterward. My DDs, who'd been completely aghast at this plan, later said, "Wow, that was actually really nice. It seemed kind of old money-ish." I'm just hoping they remember their words when the time comes! 
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PinkFridge
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Thu, Jun 29 2017, 3:50 pm
| Fox wrote: |
In each case, the presence of every single person meant something. I saw people dancing with the kallah whom I haven't seen dance before or since. In four of the five cases, a DJ or one-man band was employed, and since the baalei simcha didn't have to get their money's worth, the volume was kept to a level that made conversation possible. |
As an aside, one man bands are quite common.
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Stars
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Thu, Jun 29 2017, 3:56 pm
| Fox wrote: | I have come to accept that I live in an alternate reality.
I don't know how many weddings I've attended over the years -- let's say in the vicinity of 100-150. I only remember approximately five. Those five weren't memorable because I was close to the chosson or kallah; they weren't memorable because they were especially beautiful or lavish; they weren't memorable because they were particularly touching.
They were memorable because I had a good time, enjoyed myself, and/or felt that my presence really did add to the simcha.
Of those chassunahs, two were held in a local shul where volunteers cook and serve. One was held in a shul using leftovers from a local caterer, and girls from the high school came to dance. Another one was held at what I'm told is Lakewood's cheapest option. The final one was held at a hall in Boro Park where tables were served "family style" instead of plated.
In each case, the presence of every single person meant something. I saw people dancing with the kallah whom I haven't seen dance before or since. In four of the five cases, a DJ or one-man band was employed, and since the baalei simcha didn't have to get their money's worth, the volume was kept to a level that made conversation possible.
When I contrast those simchas with the wedding made at the Eden Palace by a relative a few years ago, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. My relative spent a total of $100K -- obviously not all on the venue/meal, but it was still billed as a deluxe affair.
Frankly, it was a joke. It looked like a bunch of people dressed up in their parents' clothes, trying to imitate whatever they'd been led to believe "class" looks like. No one could tell when the chuppah started or ended. People were literally wandering around the "aisle" as the kallah walked down. Seating between the chuppah and meal was extremely limited, with people perching on the steps.
Things didn't improve by the meal. The service was possibly the worst I've ever seen; the food was "meh" according to my DH and sons. My DDs and I wouldn't know. I didn't have silverware, and our waiter claimed there was no more. Huh? My meal disappeared when I got up to dance. My DDs fared worse. Their table was served during the first round of dancing, and several uninvited friends of the kallah actually removed my DDs' placecards and ate their meals unapologetically. One of these girls explained by saying, "Oh, we didn't know who you were."
How such a ridiculous circus can be compared favorably to a simple shul chassunah is beyond me. In decades past, a wedding was supposed to be an extension of a family's normal style of entertaining, not a Broadway show where the baalei simcha are shown to have more money than taste.
My oldest son got married in a backyard chassunah. He's the hippie of the family, as is his wife, and the guest list was limited to family and a few longtime friends. Almost everyone had the same reaction: "You're doing what?" beforehand and, "I had such a good time!" afterward. My DDs, who'd been completely aghast at this plan, later said, "Wow, that was actually really nice. It seemed kind of old money-ish." I'm just hoping they remember their words when the time comes! |
Couldn't like this enough.
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youngishbear
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Thu, Jun 29 2017, 8:33 pm
Fox, I always hated the way a chasuna gets turned into a production instead of a true celebration. The odd stuff we wear in the name of fashion! The pain we subject ourselves to, in the podiatric and auditory organs!
A backyard wedding for close family and limited numer of friends sounds amazing. Why shlep people who don't even really want to be there?
Now if only I had a backyard...
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amother
White
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Thu, Jun 29 2017, 8:54 pm
I have a backyard and a large house and will be making my ds bar mitzva there iyh. Will be a lot of work but I will do it.
No cousins or people I know don't want to shlep out to us. I live in Lakewood
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amother
Mistyrose
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Thu, Jun 29 2017, 9:03 pm
| amother wrote: |
Most used their wedding money to buy furniture.
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It would have been nice to get so much money as to cover furniture. The money we got as wedding gifts would just about cover an Ikea bookcase. Most people couldn't afford any gifts and we were just thankful that they came to the simcha.
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crust
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Thu, Jun 29 2017, 9:31 pm
| youngishbear wrote: | | A backyard wedding for close family and limited numer of friends sounds amazing. Why shlep people who don't even really want to be there? |
Make a backyard wedding and let's see who doesn't want to be there.
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simcha4
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Fri, Jun 30 2017, 9:32 am
"CRUST" - what do you mean by wedding gifts that parents in chassidish circles give the choson/kallah for their wedding? What sort of items?
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crust
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Fri, Jun 30 2017, 9:41 am
| simcha4 wrote: | "CRUST" - what do you mean by wedding gifts that parents in chassidish circles give the choson/kallah for their wedding? What sort of items?
4 |
Do you mean what I said upthread about drasha geshank?
It's not given by the parents. It's given by the guests attending the wedding. It's either an item or money. It was the done thing years ago but It's rarely done today.
At this wedding the couple did receive a lot of drasha geshank. That's what I heard.
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dancingqueen
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Fri, Jun 30 2017, 9:46 am
| crust wrote: | Peolpe used to give drasha geshank, but somehow this minhag faded.
If what I heard is correct, At this particular wedding the couple was showered with money. People felt they have to take part because they knew the couple didn't get too much from parents. |
What's drasha geshank? Someone below said that they didn't get much in the way of wedding gifts so maybe that's why the parents need to buy everything? It's different in my world.
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crust
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Fri, Jun 30 2017, 9:52 am
| dancingqueen wrote: | | W9khat's drasha geshank? Someone below said that they didn't get much in the wakiy of wedding gifts so maybe that's why the parents need to buy everything? It's different in my world. |
Drasha geshank definition; A gift given to the bride and groom on thier wedding day. It can be in the form of money, like $50 to $100 to $1000 in cash or check. Or, it can be in the form of any household goods like linen, dishes, silverware etc.
This particular couple, the way I heard, received big gifts in cash because people felt they have to help this couple start out.
In today's world most people who used to give seperate drasha geshank chip in 25 or 50 or 100 dollars towards one big gift from all the aunt's and uncles together.
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