How to get DH to make his bed?

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amother

Goldenrod

Mon, Jul 31 2017, 2:14 pm

I've asked nicely and not-so-nicely. I've complained and explained. I've done everything I could think of besides for offer a reward. how can I get my mature, clean DH to make his own bed? I do my own and my kids beds should I just give in and do his too?

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Jul 31 2017, 2:20 pm

Have you engaged in blaming of any sort? If yes, I would apologize for that.
Better to tweak the attitude of, ''how can I get dh to do a,b,c'' to ''it would make my life more pleasant if a,b, and c happened around the house. Hm. I wonder if dh would be willing to help me out with that?''
Then approach dh about your heart's desire and check in with him if he'd be willing to make it happen for you. If he has no willingness, check if there may be conditions under which he might have willingness. If not, feel the sadness and move on.

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Jul 31 2017, 2:20 pm

If my dh would ask his friends how he can get me to do something I don't want to do, I'd not like that at all. I would prefer to hear what's in his heart, what is so important to him about this thing he wants me to do, what does it mean to him, etc. etc.
But that may be too deep a conversation for some couples.

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Jul 31 2017, 2:21 pm

Is your goal to have his bed made or is your goal for HIM to make his bed?

amother

Rose

Mon, Jul 31 2017, 2:25 pm

Have you ever actually asked him why he doesn't do it? Personally, I don't make my own bed or anyone else's, I view it as a pointless chore. Maybe he feels the same and honestly doesn't get why it's such a big deal. From there, decide how important it is- maybe you need to do it yourself if it matters more to you than to him. Or maybe you need to just let it go. Making the bed is not a must the way washing the dishes or sweeping the floor is.

amother

Puce

Mon, Jul 31 2017, 2:26 pm

Well, it's obviously not a priority for him. Is there anything that's a priority for him that you don't do , and he wishes you would? Offer a trade. He makes his bed, you do whatever his thing is. Or just do it yourself. How long does it take?

Ruchel

Mon, Jul 31 2017, 2:43 pm

Don't make his bed. Let him not make his bed. it"s his bed. I don't make my bed and would be annoyed if my husband hounded me.

ra_mom

Mon, Jul 31 2017, 2:49 pm

Is it worth the fight? If he's a good husband and father maybe let it go and just chalk this up to this being his quirk.
If it's gone on this long without resolution I'm sure the emotional energy you spend on this has caused you lots of stress. Not worth it. Let go and be happy. Start having the kids help you with their beds. Before you know it they'll be able to do their own beds.

Last edited by ra_mom on Mon, Jul 31 2017, 2:52 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Goldenrod

Mon, Jul 31 2017, 2:52 pm

you're all right but it means a lot to me. making beds is not optional to me. not cuz it's easy but cuz I feel the house looks so much neater and I feel organized when it's done. I've explained this to him and asked nicely and he'll do it for a few days but then he forgets. he say's he's too busy in the morning but he does have extra 45 minutes every morning that he can do it then. I don't have extra pillows or a bedspread. he just has to shake out the blanket and tuck pajamas under his pillow. when he does it it takes under a minute and he says it's really not hard.
I feel like I do all the housework and whole morning routine while still running out to work. this is one thing that would make me happy. I don't know how to help him stick to it.

amother

Seagreen

Mon, Jul 31 2017, 2:52 pm

My husband doesn't make his bed, he doesn't see a point. He's a great husband otherwise so I just let it go and make it for him. Can you do that too?

amother

Navy

Mon, Jul 31 2017, 3:04 pm

Am I the only one with this opinion?? Approach??

If dh doesn't make his bed and a made bed is very important to you then make it yourself. It takes about 5-7 seconds. No big deal. In the 15 years that I'm married, dh made his bed once and that was the morning after we got married. It never occurred to me to ask him to make his bed.

tichellady

Mon, Jul 31 2017, 3:13 pm

amother wrote:

This is how things work in our house, my husband makes my bed because he really cares and I don't

amother

Babypink

Mon, Jul 31 2017, 3:14 pm

I agree with pp. It's not worth making a shalom bayis issue out of a 1 minute chore. If it makes you feel more organized-just do it yourself.

tichellady

Mon, Jul 31 2017, 3:14 pm

amother wrote:

I understand how you feel but I'm not sure if I really have any suggestions. We all have things that are important to us that we want our spouse to care about and they just don't... and it's frustrating

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Jul 31 2017, 3:43 pm

Does he put his clothes in hamper? Put his garbage in the garbage can? Not mess up the bathroom every time he uses it? If he does, consider yourself lucky as not all men do that. Beds really don't need to be made. I never make beds in my house, as they will be messed up at night anyway (usually before the night as I have kids who like jumping on beds). If it takes under a minute, and you really think it's important, why don't you do it and ask him to do a different job in the morning? Maybe he could take a kid out to the bus or to a baby-sitter or clean up breakfast. My dh won't wash a single dish no matter what, and he also won't use disposable. I get very annoyed about it since he often takes a midnight snack and leaves a dirty pot with melted cheese out overnight or uses milchig cutlery on Shabbos when I have my fleishig dish-rack in the sink. I asked him not to many times, and he won't change, so instead he agreed that he will be in charge of sweeping the floors since he doesn't do any dishes. Find a job your dh doesn't mind. Its not worth getting stressed over a bed.

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Jul 31 2017, 8:40 pm

amother wrote:

Fair enough. I can relate to the sense of inner organization that happens when the beds are made. I get it when you say it's not optional.

I would be willing to come to your home to do the bed each morning, cuz you are too busy going to work and dh for some reason isn't able to maintain his commitment to doing it.

Question for you: when he doesn't make his bed, do you feel unloved? or that your needs don't matter? if the latter, then we are entering a whole nother territory.

It reminds me of a time my dh wanted something badly from me and I simply could not provide it. I love him deeply and dearly, but it's just too much of a stretch for me to do that one thing.

Blessing1

Mon, Jul 31 2017, 8:44 pm

Make his bed for gods sake! It really doesn't pay to make a big deal out of this.

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Jul 31 2017, 8:53 pm

amother wrote:

you're all right but it means a lot to me..

It means a lot to you to have the beds made, or that HE makes his bed?
It's still not clear to me which of the two means a lot to you. Maybe both.

amother

Blue

Mon, Jul 31 2017, 8:56 pm

Making DHs bed takes 45 seconds.
It never occurred to me that he should do it.
And I expect him to help around a lot so it's not like I just cut him slack like that Cool

zaq

Mon, Jul 31 2017, 10:52 pm

Cut a deal. You make his bed every day and he'll do some other daily chore that you'll be pleased to give up. This is called playing to your respective strengths.

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