Have you ever lost a lot of $$$?

mandksima

Sat, Aug 26 2017, 7:20 pm

Ok, my story is different but hear me out and see if any of this makes sense to you. Perhaps it can give you chizzuk.

We owned a big house in NJ that we put on the market before moving to Israel but it didn't sell quickly like we thought it would. We ended up having to pay a high mortgage/taxes on the house for two years when we also paid a pretty low rent in Israel. Thank G-d my husband had a good job but we spent all of our income on paying our bills from the American house and lived as simply as we could here. We finally sold it two years after we moved for a crazy low amount that cleared our total mortgage (which had been much lower due to our previous house selling making a profit and we had put it into this second house) but all the money we wanted to buy a house in Israel with was now gone. We were left with a very small amount for down payment on a very cheap and small house. We do own but it is not the kind of place I had hoped and imagined at all.

Yes, we are alright now, BH. But, we lost our dreams for a bigger size house in a different area. Honestly, my acceptance came after acknowledging that it was never really our money. Just because it looked like on paper that we were doing ok, until we sold and got the cash, it was just our dreamed money. If Hashem wanted a sacrifice in order to be able to live here, I believe this was it.

My perspective has changed now that I'm here. I would happily rent forever just to have the zechus to breathe in the holy air. I'm very grateful we own this tiny place and we only were able to do that because my husband had a good job at the time. Since then, his jobs have been super low salary and I have be able to only work here and there. We live as cheaply as we can. I can't afford to fix things up much or build onto the house now that our family has grown bigger. I will wait until some of the older ones move out and then it will feel bigger! We never splurge on much and shop frugally.

Now, here is where it gets weird. I actually really love my community and when I think back to when we hoped we would sell our house quickly and we'd have the money to buy a nice big place here in a bigger city, I realize that I would never have ended up where I am now had I had that money in my hand. I would have moved out and I am 100% positive my spirituality would have been affected. I am surrounded by friends who lead simple lives and are happy with what they have. I am not competing with the neighbors. It is a freedom that comes without a lot of money. Having more money in my instance would have led to be living in an area where I would be constantly trying to improve my material life and that is the opposite of freedom really. So, after a lot of contemplation, I am eternally grateful to Hashem for creating this stressful condition where we did not end up holding any of the money we thought we owned. We lost way more than $100K in our house. Closer to $300K worth that we never saw. Alas, it was never meant to be ours.

During those two years, we thought we'd have to foreclose and lose everything but somehow, we held on as my husband's job was still around. It was a huge headache to make sure nothing happened to our empty house (we didn't want to start with renters when we could possibly sell it any minute.) I believe all of that aggravation was necessary for our suffering level to be achieved. My emunah was strengthened during that time and I am also grateful for it. I think in my mind that hopefully some horrible decree that was supposed to happen to us was taken away from the suffering we had with money lost. We won't know the answer to why it happened now but we can assure ourselves that it must have been for our best as everything Hashem does is for the best. I got a small glimpse of seeing how less money is better and that helped me understand how something seemingly bad could really be good. The rest is emunah.

Money ruins some people. It is a huge test. Sometimes being poorer is the only way to achieve certain spiritual life goals. Money can be a huge distraction for what your priorities should be. Owning is great but renting for life also could be. Stability is only from Hashem, not from things we own. This all helped remind me. I know you are frustrated and upset at the situation but try and find good things about it. You will find out later how exactly it is good but for now, you can daven and thank Hashem for everything, including this big test of faith called money lost. A few years before this, I also lost a child. It helps me put it into a better perspective as well. I would rather lose money than another child. All of our gifts in this world are on loan. We don't really own anything. We try to work on being grateful for having things while we have them and understanding that when Hashem takes things away, our loan was up and Hashem has been just with us.

dee's mommy

Sat, Aug 26 2017, 9:40 pm

This happened to us twice. Someone once borrowed thousands of dollars from us and never returned it. Our rav told us this could count as part of our ma'aser until we caught up.

The second time was when I had to pay my maternity leave allowance, back to my place of employment because I never returned to work. (A very complicated story. My position no longer existed, so I wasn't considered to be laid off, but the person who replaced me was, therefore I was obligated to pay it back according to the terms.) This happened many years after I left. I never touched the money for many years, expecting this, but they demanded it years after I thought the time had expired. I was hoping to use it for my children's education, so this was was quite a setback.

Both times were very disappointing and frustrating. But we got through it. We were not starving, out of a house, or unable to pay our bills. The first time, while a financial loss, put an end to someone taking advantage of my husband's generous nature, and taught my husband when to say "no." (I don't want to go into details, but there was more going on here than the loss of money.)

The second time, while I was expecting it, I never thought it made sense. Although I tried to contact the union (which never did anything for me, as I was no longer part of it, and it was under my maiden name when I did belong), I just paid it up in the end, because I was pregnant (for the first time since my first many years before) and I couldn't deal with the situation anymore. Even though there was a financial loss, at least this was no longer hanging over my head.

Both times, I could only make the following conclusion: kaparah.

In spite of the loss both times, I still had what was important.

amother

Amber

Sat, Aug 26 2017, 10:59 pm

amother wrote:

Amber that was extremely helpful. But how did you have such emunah? Were you depressed about it at times? What thoughts can I hold on to?

We never blamed each other. It was a nisayon. Every person has nisyonos. Of course we were depressed. It effected our quality of life and I was not home enough for our kids. But we knew Hashem could give us it all back as well.

How did we have emunah? Because we realized we had such blessing in our lives. Each other. Our families. Etc. just meeting each other was from Hashem. We have BH been blessed. And the constant request from Hashem that this he a kapara and we be blessed with health for all of us.

Plenty of people struggle financially. Plenty of people become wealthy overnight. Plenty of people loose their wealth also. Money comes and goes.

My husband focused very hard on work and over the next 5 years I cut back significantly on hours and was home for the kids. And we saw that it was totally from Hashem that we had that Bracha. It made no logical sense. And we've seen times where logically he should have brought home a far larger paycheck and didn't - and had to take a step back and recognize again that we are NOT in control at all. It's all from Above.

We also recognized that money is not something we need to chase or take risks with that could tank us. We didn't need to be multi millionaires. We needed to provide for our kids. We no longer take risks with our milk money. And that slow and steady savings even if it meant cutting back on purchases was the stable way to go.

We looked around at the world and saw we had such Bracha. We had each other and were pulling through the crisis together. We looked around and saw money has become an avodah Zara in the frum world and saw ppl building homes and buying cars and vacations they couldn't afford simply because everyone else did. Our priority and goal was to pay tuition so the rebbeim would not struggle because of us.

We started to realize that bc we were pulling ourselves out of debt our kids were learning what was really important. They are far less materialistic than most of their friends. They don't judge ppl based on their homes but on their middos and Derech eretz. They understand the word no. My husband and I learned a lot about financial responsibility and it has been trnamsitted to our kids by osmosis.

We also realized that tznius is not just how you dress but how you display your wealth as well. We know ppl in major debt and stress in fancy upscale homes and ppl who have 2 million in savings with simple homes. We realized that sleeping at night is what's important to us not the fancy display of wealth.

We grew very close from this and realize this is not the end of the world at all. You will figure out a way to rise above. You might not like the solution but you will do it. And Hashem can give this all and then some back to you in a flash. 100,00 dollars is meaningless to HKBH.

You do not take wealth to the grave. You need money to buy food and live but it's transient. It makes life easier but it's not a death sentence to struggle and rebuild.

It build character in our kids and ourselves. You never forget what it means to struggle and you develop compassion.

It's been a long time since this happened and over the years we think about it less and less bc ultimately we BH went on living - all bc of Hashem's giant chessed towards us. Whenever my husband would say how we could have had xy or z I remind him that when Hashem decides we should have xy and or z we will. Life has shown us that. So when it's time for me to have the fancy kitchen I will get it. And when it's time for me to have the stunning apartment in EY I will get it. Nobody takes what Hashem has set aside for you. And if we do not get those things - then it wasn't meant for us but lots of great Brachas are.

Sometimes I think we're so focused on chasing things that we all forget to see what we've all been given. We all just take for granted all the Brachas we have because they have become so natural and normal and typical. We live in a generation with lifestyles that are unprecedented. In countries where we are successful. With children and yeshivas and communal infrastructure that flourishes. We can go to the holiest sites of our nation and pour our hearts out. If our great grandparents could only see our lives they would be in awe - and wonder why we worry about money.

You write you are young. That is a Bracha. Your bills are still low and you have years to recoup and regain footing. Someone who looses significant money when he's older nearing retirement age or marrying off kids is in a far worse position. You have years to pay off this money - and low bills now. So just jump in and make small goals that will quickly add up. And DAVEN.

We should all be blessed with health. That is what I daven for daily. And if there was only one thing I could ask for it would be health.

Hatzlacha. Hang in there. You shall survive this. The goal is to do it together without blaming one another. As a team to pull through. It might not be easy but it isn't the end. And you are blessed with a lot and iyH you will continue to be blessed many times over.

amother

Forestgreen

Sat, Aug 26 2017, 11:20 pm

My husband owned a kosher butcher/grocery store. He got the down payment to buy the store from relatives. He worked very hard to get the store on firm footing but fell behind on rent payments. His partner was able to secure a loan to cover the back rent and get back on track. Unfortunately while the loan was being finalized the eviction was finalized as well. They lost the store and everything in it. They were not even allowed to go back in to recover their stock. It all went into the trash.

It took a long time to recover from the loss. My husband was never able to find a decent job after that. He worked at low paying jobs until I completed my degree. I'm the main breadwinner now. I can't say our life is bad or unhappy now. I just feel that my husband would be a lot more fulfilled as a person if he was still running that store. It was more than just a store for him. He's a very outgoing giving person and having a store gave him the opportunity to do chesed on a daily basis (yes even when the store was struggling to survive he'd give substantial discounts to people who needed it). I wonder why Hashem saw fit to take that away from him.

amother

Oak

Sat, Aug 26 2017, 11:43 pm

I can't say that I've physically lost that amount of money, but I was swindled out of $500, I was promised a raise several times, that never came to be--but spent the money so I had to pay off a huge credit card debt. I got caught with a medical expense about a month before I got my insurance. I lost a decent paying job and was unemployed for 6 months, b4 I got a new job which paid significantly less. I've worked in an industry that could make big bucks, but somehow every opportunity I was given, suddenly dried up. We've been struggling our entire marriage and every summer is usually a nightmare. When you add up all the money we "should've had"--probably could be close to 100k. However, we've also seen a lot of siyatta dishmaya and we've never truly lacked anything. 11) I find that every loan/credit card/gemach situation is also "bashert" 2)things that we never thought we'd be able to afford somehow come to us--ex. my husband needed a shulchan aruch to learn for smicha, and everytime he'd set aside money for it, we'd need it for something else, but about a month before he really needed it someone just happened to be giving one away.

I've cried a lot about our situation, but I've found comfort in the above 2 points. Also, I'ave come to think that since a lot of our struggles have come during the summer and somehow always seem to improve after yom tov that it must come from our "bank account up above" and somehow we've reached our maximum allowed. I daven very hard every Rosh HaShana for our mazel to improve, but I understand that parnassha is min Shomayim and Hashem has reasons for why we earn/lose money.

I don't know if you saw any of the videos on Tisha B'av but there was a great one about a poor man who thought he won the lottery and started making all these grand plans and then he found out that there was a mistake and he hadn't won the money, while he should've been devastated he was actually happy. He said I could've lost all that money due to bad health or tragedy, but I didn't. Different story with similar message I saw recently, there was a chasuna where they bought a big beautiful kesuba that was custom made, ornate and expensive. One of the eidim signing it smudged it and invalidated the kesuba, requiring them to go out and buy a cheap one. The father of the kallah--who had bought the fancy kesuba was initially outraged, but a wise rav spoke in his ear and the father calmed down. The rav had told him "There was a din shel ma'alah that your daughter have 2 kesubos, it could've happened through divorce or a death chas v'shalom, but here you just have to buy a 2nd kesuba and she should have a long and happy marriage." Finally, I know my parents struggled for years, and I saw there were a number of times our house was threatened to be foreclosed. However, just in the nick of time, some sort of financial arrangement was made with a relative and in about 10 years' time the house was completely paid off, and my mother was able to sell the house and now lives off the money from the sale. We don't understand the ways of Hkb"H, things happen so that we realize Who is in charge. Parnassah is from Hashem alone. He decrees it to be, and also takes it away. Hashem created "poverty" to create opportunities for tzedaka, and also requires us to give tzedaka b/c it could just as easily been us to need it. In these days leading up to our annual "renewal" of our parnassah, may it be His will that we have what we need for the coming year and beyond.

amother

Seashell

Sun, Aug 27 2017, 1:42 am

Years ago we lost all of our savings to a so called secure investment. Guilt? Why? We did our hishtadlus. We did reasearch beforehand. There is so much you can do to protect your money. We did learn not to trust even 'secure investments'. Its not for us.

Then we reestablished ourselves and invested in a house which made sense for our income but at the end the builder decided it doesnt pay for him to build it on the conditions of the first contract. We were given the option to back out and get back double of what we had already invested, or to pay in another 120k. I remember my sleepless nights while I was agonizing about this. If the builder wants to give back double that probably means that this is worth four times. So it doesn't make sense to back out. On the other hand, how will another 120k walk through this door? I was devastated from the turn of events. Meanwhile, it became too late. When we finally decided to go for it because even with the 120k more it was still cheaper than the going market price, there were no apartments left for us.
I couldnt stop berating myself that because I was afraid to jump into a bigger mortgage we now lost an opportunity of a lifetime. This time around I was so guilt ridden that it literaly sucked the enjoyment out of my life. On top of that I felt like the silliest adult ever. Everyone grabbed apartments quickly and only I couldnt bring myself to jump into it?

Guess what? Against all odds, after another few years, this builder decided he had enough of all the old contracts and gave us a last option of an upscale home in a different location for a decent price.

I thank Hashem to this day that I did not have the 120k at the moment because I would never have what I have now. I love my home and my neighborhood.

Op we dont turn the wheel of the world. 100k is a lot of money but its not all the money there is. It will come around.