Couples Meals | Imamother

DrMom

Sun, Nov 05 2017, 2:17 am

LovesHashem wrote:

I don't think it's appropriate. I'm Chareidi.
Only if it's family.
Beyond that, what would be the purpose? I see nothing good coming from it.

But you do you, I have no judgments against anyone who does, and I grew up with us eating out and others coming over often (not family).

I can enlighten you regarding the upsides of sharing shbbat meals with others:

- It allows you to make friends with members of your community - the biggest plus
- It allows you to share the cooking duties ("Hey guys. Want to come over for shabbat lunch?
What ca you bring? How about a salad or side dish? That's be great! Thx!")
- It is an opportunity to get/try out new recipes!

Teomima

Sun, Nov 05 2017, 2:34 am

This is so weird, I've never heard of people having these issues with sharing meals with friends. Of course we do! Even more so in shana rishona, when it was easy (since no kids yet) to go spend Shabbat with friends who lived further away. Now it's one of the few opportunities I have to socialize with friends, and our kids get to spend time with their own friends.

And it would NEVER occur to me to be jealous/worried about my husband comparing me to a female friend or vice versa. But maybe our relationship is just more secure than others, making this a non-issue for us. At MOST maybe I'd take note if s/he were a better cook, in which case I'd just ask for recipes rather than be jealous.

MO

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Nov 05 2017, 2:48 am

LovesHashem wrote:

The purpose of inviting or being inviting for a meal? To socialize with other people/couples/families.
When you say you see nothing good coming from it, what kind of bad things do you envision happening from going out for a meal on shabbat? Seriously asking. I mean, I grew up where we invited and were invited and same now. Its just a nice way to be able to get together with friends or not yet friends, a way to meet new people in your community. I dont see what bad could come of it.

LovesHashem

Sun, Nov 05 2017, 2:59 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

I've heard many stories....

In any case, I also grew up this way, and yes nothing bad came from it. But now, after I;ve grown up I feel at least for myself I'd have a hard time no comparing myself at all the the other couple, that's a personal aspect. Also I don't beleive men and women should socialize at all. So if we ate out DH would not look at the other woman at all nor talk to her. It would be a little akward.

I believe that after we have a bunch of wild kids, it may be possible to eat out if here's a family where I'm friends with the wife and DH is good friends with the husband. But assuming that, giving us the posibility of much less akwardness and no boredum, as we'd also have kids to deal with and help, and entertain etc.

hello321

Sun, Nov 05 2017, 3:06 am

We do have guests and go out. Mostly with the same friends. These are my thoughts on the matter. On the one hand its nice to have good friends; the kids get to play with their kids, adults can be social, exchange recipes etc. However, there does get that familiarity that can internally cause comparisions and thoughts that might not be so appropriate.
I can understand the need for boundaries.

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Nov 05 2017, 3:06 am

LovesHashem wrote:

Well then if you dont believe that men and women can socialize there really is nothing to talk about.
BUT, you say you "heard stories". No offense, but unless you know of something that actualy happened to someone, as in first hand knowledge, I always find these stories so hard to believe.
In my community, we socialize with other couples all of the time. ANd BH we know how to handle ourselves and its always been like that.
I also think that if you make something normal and mundane to begin with, it becomes this normal thing too.

essie14

Sun, Nov 05 2017, 3:51 am

I grew up with having lots of company and going out for Shabbat and chag meals all the time. Even to families with children of opposite gender. All adults call each other by their first names. Teens were always allowed to socialize. So obviously I have no problem doing this now that I'm married.
I only heard of not having company when some of my friends started marrying very yeshivish guys.

LovesHashem

Sun, Nov 05 2017, 3:55 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

It's not about "can", it's should.
It's just my hashkfaha and how my community feels too.

I think it's not something to debate over here, as we are just going to disagree.

moonstone

Sun, Nov 05 2017, 5:04 am

I never heard of this ridiculous idea of couples not eating together until I read it on imamother. We've socialized and eaten with countless couples over the years and believe it or not, no one has jumped into bed with another's spouse!

It's fun having meals with other people. The conversations get really interesting. My husband is a fun, talkative guy - my girlfriends think he's great! I think nothing of chatting with my friends' husbands. We're all friends! It's so normal that the only time I do think about it is when I read these threads.

We don't view people of the opposite zex as the dangerous, mysterious "other". And when I read here about this fear of "comparisons", I just don't get it. You think your spouse is going to compare you to every other woman he talks to, and you'll always "lose", so better not to talk to them at all? That's no way to live. I talk to men at work every day. My husband talks to women at work every day. Somehow, our marriage has survived. Rolling Eyes

LovesHashem

Sun, Nov 05 2017, 5:26 am

moonstone wrote:

I understand your vewipoint. I guess this is just one difference between yeshivish and MO

Maya

Sun, Nov 05 2017, 6:56 am

Kiwi13 wrote:

In my (yeshivish) community this is pretty standard, but there are some “safeguards” in place, for lack of a better term. Men and women do not sit right next to each other unless they are husband and wife. And they don’t call each other by first name, rather they’ll say, “Mr./Mrs. So-and-so.” My understanding is it keeps things a bit more formal/distant so the lines don’t get blurred.

This is what we did when I lived in the Chassidus community. We would get together but the searing arrangements were "segregated" but at the same table, and we wouldn't call someone of the opposite gender by their first name. Often it would end up that the women and mendolk talked among themselves, but that part I didn't like because the men's discussions were always way more interesting and I often thought it was rude to the women to turn away from them and comment to the men.

Either way, I don't think it's a totally accepted thing in the Chassidish world. It likely depends on people's intimate social circles.

watergirl

Sun, Nov 05 2017, 7:15 am

My first marriage, we hung out with couple friends often. We could be described as JPF. The marriage was already unhealthy, and we were young, 20, and so were the friends. We’d go out to eat, shabbos, movie, couple dates... and while I loved being with my friends, I agree that it was a bad idea. I often compared our relationship with what I saw. Maybe it was actually good - they are all still married and I knew something was waaaaay off with mine. Who knows. We fought after these dates.

Remarried BH over 10 years. We have meals with friends and kids (first marriage, there were no kids for any of us when we hung out), but its a totally different feeling now. Not the same type of meal. And when we go out, its just us. I’m not opposed to the idea of a double date, it just literally hasnt come up.

amother

Bronze

Sun, Nov 05 2017, 7:15 am

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I never heard of not eating together until Imamother. It makes no sense to me. Spending time with friends will not destabilize a healthy marriage. Being isolated from friends can cause great misery. Spending Shabbat or Yom Tov with other people is helpful for building and strengthening community ties. For religious Jews with busy lives, Shabbat and Yom Tov may be among the only times available to meet with peers. I don't see the downside.

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This is so weird, I've never heard of people having these issues with sharing meals with friends.

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Honestly, can we see a little more respect on this site for the more yeshivish/right wing ladies, just as you expect the opposite from us!! Just because you don't understand or conduct yourselves this way doesn't make it weird, ridiculous or even wrong! There is a whole lot to say on this subject, but just as LovesHashem has already written, those of you who think there is nothing wrong with it will just argue with and mock those of us who do believe that there's plenty to say about it not being correct or appropriate for couples (not talking about family) to do meals together, even if you've never ended up in bed together with someone else's spouse - cause guess what - there is more than one person out there that did due to too much intermingling between the male and female in too casual of a way, let's not bury our heads in the sand here! This is one of the customs and safeguards of the more right-wing way of life which is so, so important these days more than ever.
But hey, if you don't understand it, that's ok, but please, a little respect for those that may be differently frum than you!

watergirl

Sun, Nov 05 2017, 7:20 am

amother wrote:

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This is so weird, I've never heard of people having these issues with sharing meals with friends.

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I “liked” your post until your last sentence. No reason to say “frummer than you”. Its differently frum. I dont consider observant people to be more or less frum than me. Its a different derech to the same goal.

amother

Bronze

Sun, Nov 05 2017, 7:30 am

I edited my above post out of respect for those that didn't like it, however, let's call a spade a
spade. There is such a concept in Judaism as more religious, or less religious. I didn't write better or holier, cause that's not for me or anyone else to decide, however someone who covers her hair, for example, is more religious than someone who doesn't. The latter may be a better person in many other ways, however in this specific area she is less religious. This concept applies in many different areas, and this is where some ladies who are less religious may start getting unnecessarily defensive.

mommish613

Sun, Nov 05 2017, 7:41 am

We eat out all the time and invite as well. However, I live in a community where some don't. I completely respect that, it's hard not to when you live among people who may be different than you. I once invited a new neighbor and she was uncomfortable telling me her reason for declining the invitation but she said it a very respectful and non-judgmental way and guess what- I took it very well because I understand that different families have different hashkafos and we're still great friends today.

watergirl

Sun, Nov 05 2017, 7:51 am

amother wrote:

Then lets be totally honest and say that while some choose to live with extra stringencies, we wont know who is truly more religious until after 120. We can only do our best to try to understand what HKBH wants from us. And thise who cover half or none of their hair, for example, may look at those who shave theirs off and wear a triple cover ( here im over exaggerating to prove a point and to show that I’m not pointing to one particular group) as wrong, and as less religious. In fact, many frown upon adding stringencies and DO look at chassidim/very right wing as LESS religious because some vew such chumahs and geders as adding to the Torah, which is quite assur. More assur than, say, hair covering.
And ps - I’m not being defensive, thanks. You can look back at my past posts if youd like to see where I hold. I’m making a point out of sensativity and Camraderie.