Never thought I’d be one of those mothers

Raisin

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 2:23 pm

[quote="amother"]

amother wrote:

No, no, no! Be strong!!!!

There is so obviously something going on here.

I bet if you look for it, you'll see that she's stressing out over your reaction and she really does want to name and can't for some reason.[/quote]

These are her reasons:
(And b/c I’m too subjective please tell me if I’m being overly sensitive.)

And I am quoting her

- daddy’s father was a tzaddick. Not that your father wasn’t a good man, but daddy’s father was a tzaddick
-
- we already named ‘kreindy’(not real of her first daughter) after your mother

(Her first daughter was named after my side, my mother. Her second daughter named after her own husbands side and now it’s my husbands turn to have a name).

- daddy travelled all the way here for the bris and we thought it would be such a kovod for him to have his grandson named after his own father

shock

Is it somehow more difficult for your husband to travel??? I don't get this.

Also: Is it possible that they think they won't have any more children for some reason so won't have an opportunity to name after your husbands side again?

amother

Periwinkle

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 2:40 pm

It’s the first time my husband came to Israel since they’ve had children; I’ve come after every child. (So I guess me coming now is no biggie?????)
Are they worried about not Having more kids? Heck no. She told me imh she’ll have other kids that will imh get my fathers name. I replied stating that u don’t know what’s in store for the future. U may have 5 more girls!
And I also stated that my father has no name yet and she knew him so well!

amother

Plum

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 2:49 pm

I’m due with a boy soon and I know that my mom wants me to name after a certain relative; however we hate the name and we have other relatives that we’ve been waiting to name after until we had a boy.

I am floored at your reaction, OP. Is it because I’m on the other end of this? You sound hysterical. It’s a NAME. And it’s not your kid. I just don’t understand why you’re so upset. Your reaction seems hugely out of proportion.

amother

Burlywood

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 2:49 pm

First of all MazalTov on the birth of a new grandfather.
It seems to me that the pain of losing and missing your father is on the surface now and it really is painful when you are waiting for a child to be named and bring you a nechoma. I really understand. And the more time that passes and you think into it the more that it eats at you.
You are a human being who is grieving and have full right to feel your emotions.
You also cannot change the situation.
So the only thing left now is for you to try to learn how to deal with this best as possible.
Ask yourself if the pain you feel is worth carrying pain and grudge in you towards your daughter, her husband and the baby.
If this is what the young couple decided than it is in their hands. It also says that parents recieve ruach hakodesh when deciding on a name.
Especially when you say that this couple gives such things a lot of thought. Which means there is a reason here. You also told your daughter. You did everything possible. The rest is not in your hands.
So allow yourself to grieve, don"t ask "is this feeling wrong" because it is a feeling which cannot be denied, the only question is whether you act on it.
So find a way to release this pain without hurting your children.
And Hashem will send you a nechoma by mourning quietly without allowing it to ruin the simcha for you and your children.

amother

Honeydew

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 2:50 pm

You're right I was confused before and thought they were naming after dds dhs father. Sorry. However...

OP - you have said your piece. You are confused imho about your takid NOW. Your tafkid is NOT to convince them to name after your father. It's to convince yourself

-they are trying to honour the two of you together
-they have ruach hakodesh
-the baby will get the name he is supposed to have
-concentrate on looking after your daughter, who has just given birth
-as soon as you start hearing yourself say things like "I'm regretting coming here", "the more I think about it the more upset I am" etc , recognize that those thoughts are from Yetzer Hara and push them away.
-Then, maybe after the bris you can sit quietly with yourself and feel the sadness that is at the passing of your father. Perhaps the anger you have at Hashem for taking him from you. But not anger towards your daughter, because that is not fair to her (or you).

amother

Burlywood

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 2:52 pm

First of all MazalTov on the birth of a new grandson.
It seems to me that the pain of losing and missing your father is on the surface now and it really is painful when you are waiting for a child to be named and bring you a nechoma. I really understand. And the more time that passes and you think into it the more that it eats at you.
You are a human being who is grieving and have full right to feel your emotions.
You also cannot change the situation.
So the only thing left now is for you to try to learn how to deal with this best as possible.
Ask yourself if the pain you feel is worth carrying pain and grudge in you towards your daughter, her husband and the baby.
If this is what the young couple decided than it is in their hands. It also says that parents recieve ruach hakodesh when deciding on a name.
Especially when you say that this couple gives such things a lot of thought. Which means there is a reason here. You also told your daughter. You did everything possible. The rest is not in your hands.
So allow yourself to grieve, don"t ask "is this feeling wrong" because it is a feeling which cannot be denied, the only question is whether you act on it.
So find a way to release this pain without hurting your children.
And Hashem will send you a nechoma for

mourning quietly without allowing it to ruin the simcha for you and your children. And hopefully soon you will have many grandsons named after your father

amother

Seashell

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 3:10 pm

I understand your feeling hurt and maybe even betrayed. I think I would feel like you are feeling now. You're right, the reasons really do come off as being insensitive or at least immature.

My intuition is that one day they will look back on how they're behaving and wish they did things differently. I look back on how I behaved after the births of my first three children (especially the boys, because making a bris makes me so pressured and nervous), and realize how insensitive and immature I was towards some of my family- ahhh, I shudder to think! But I can't be the only mother who acted irrationally and insensitively, stepping on people's toes left and right, during this time...

The issue with names can be very difficult for parents too. As the parents you have Ruach HaKodesh for a particular name. I know people who gave a name they previously hate to their son, because they had Ruach HaKodesh to do so. DH and I were set on a name for one of our children from before the pregnancy, but 2 or 3 days before the bris, I told DH we can't do it- that name we planned to use all along is so wrong for our DS. Now BH I'm so happy I listened to my intuition and we choose a new name at the last minute!

Your daughter and her DH are probably not mature enough right now to handle everything going on or the name of your father just doesn't fit the child. Immaturity is not great, but it's part of the learnig experience of life. One day they will become older and wiser... Now the 'logical' reasons given for choosing one name over another seem quite silly from my perspective, yet they really feel strongly that the name of your DH's father is the right name. That makes me think, this must be from Hashem, not them! Maybe this child needs this particular name. Only Hashem knows who this child will grow up to be, what he will be like, and which name to put into your DD and her DH's minds.

You are handling this beautifully, and it's OK to feel what you're feeling. Your feelings are valid, and with time everyone will feel about and look at the situation differently.

I want to give you the brachah that, iy"H, DD and her DH will have a child who's meant to have your father's name, and this grandchild along with all your other grandchildren and children will give you only yiddishe nachas!

amother

Periwinkle

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 3:14 pm

I don’t think I’m grieving my father still.
And they are not hearing me say that I regret coming. I’d never say that in front of her.

I do know it’s out of my hands.
They know how I feel.

Where I’m coming from is the shock I feel b/c I thought 100% that this is what they’d name him. B/c my whole family is waiting for a boy to be born since my father died. And there were only girls in that time.
I will get past this but think it will take me a long time. I still have to ensure the embarrassment of telling my family and I feel I did nothing wrong, and will have to be the subject of yentish questions and talking behind my back, and my daughters Back too. All of which I feel terrible about. I just cried my eyes out apologizing to my father for disappointing him. But like we all agree, nothing left for me to do.

I reallly don’t want to take care of my daughter right now. But I will have to.

amother

Periwinkle

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 3:17 pm

amother wrote:

No offence but I think u are still very young to understand where I’m coming from. When u say relative , is it a parent? How close?

Metukah

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 3:23 pm

amother wrote:

I still have to ensure the embarrassment of telling my family and I feel I did nothing wrong, and will have to be the subject of yentish questions and talking behind my back, and my daughters Back too.

Youve mentioned this more than once and it is quite disturbing. The name your daughter gives, is at the end of the day, lilui nishmas the person she is naming after and in a small way a kovod for her parent whose parent it is. The rest of the family should not come into it.
Her child's name is forever, she should not be worrying about what the rest of the family will say.
When I named after my father's father all his sisters called to 'thank me'. I was greatly disturbed, I did not do it for them.

petiteruchy

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 3:27 pm

amother wrote:

No offence but I think u are still very young to understand where I’m coming from. When u say relative , is it a parent? How close?

This isn't really a good way to get people to see your side on this, OP, because this is just rude.

It's not your baby, you DON'T know the reason behind the choice, and you can either continue to stew over it, or move on. I happen to think that you have a legitimate reason to be upset, but not so upset that you ruin a relationship over it.

My in-laws hated our name choice. It's an unusual name, they hadn't ever heard it before, and their reaction was not a positive one. That said, they did whatever they needed to do to get over it on their own time so as not to complicate their relationship with us and with me, because we did have a carefully thought out reason for the name.

Again, people are "allowed" to have reactions to naming choices, but they're not "allowed" to make the parents of the baby feel bad about their choice. Maybe they will one day regret not using the name of your father, but that's on them, not you, and you can't make them responsible for your pain.

doodlesmom

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 3:28 pm

Your daughters explanation is making things more understandable for me. And it might be that she is halachically right to choose that name.
There is a big chance that eventually the reason for Hashem putting these thoughts into your daughters head will become clear. (Like the story where at a shidduch the fil had the same name as the name they almost gave, or another boy is actually born on the day of the yurtzeit etc.)

amother

Seashell

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 3:29 pm

As for the embarrassment of the gossiping relatives (I do not like the phrase "Yentishe comments" Smile

), I look at it like this: the people who gossip about me when I am dealt a blow are the same people who give me an evil eye when I get a success. So if they weren't gossiping about my c"vs "misfortunes," they would be giving me an evil eye for my "successes."

The mentchliche people let it fly in one ear and out the other, figuring they don't have all the information, and move on with their lives before giving it a second thought.

watergirl

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 3:33 pm

I hear your hurt and pain and for that I am sorry. This is a tough love post. Skip if you dont want this type of post.

I had crying parents and in laws at each of my baby’s namings or brissim. My mother in law in particular threw an all out tantrum (she also felt that my husband was especially close with her father). My own father also threw a fit. Naming a baby is deeply personal, as you know. And its not about you. And its not something that should be done so you can save face and not be embarassed. You have no idea what went into the decision to give this name, and not to give your fathers name. Maybe her husband has a personal reason why he cant use this name? You have no idea and its not your business. Maybe your daughter has a reason? Maybe its not your choice? You know all of these things. You have the power to control your emotions or to ruin this bris. My memories of my boys brissim is my mil’s fit. And my dad bring mad. And thats really sad. You said you wish you didnt fly in? You are the bubbie. Be there for your kids and show unconditional love. I agree with the poster who said this is the yetzer talking. Give him the one-two punch.

amother

Pearl

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 3:54 pm

I just want to validate you. Anyone who is saying they are "floored " by your reaction obviously never lost a parent.

I don't understand your daughters reasons at all. I'm going to agree with the poster who suggested it's from Hashem cuz it really doesn't make sense. Perhaps she is immature and will realize that it was the wrong way to behave later on.

I want to commend you for your silence on the topic and not pushing your daughter. It will have no effect other than to make her resent you and add to the stress she must already be feeling having had her 3rd baby. I don't really have any advice for you. Just wanted to let you know I understand your pain.