Never thought I’d be one of those mothers

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Parenting our children

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

watergirl

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 6:58 pm

amother wrote:

I just want to validate you. Anyone who is saying they are "floored " by your reaction obviously never lost a parent.

I don't understand your daughters reasons at all. I'm going to agree with the poster who suggested it's from Hashem cuz it really doesn't make sense. Perhaps she is immature and will realize that it was the wrong way to behave later on.

I want to commend you for your silence on the topic and not pushing your daughter. It will have no effect other than to make her resent you and add to the stress she must already be feeling having had her 3rd baby. I don't really have any advice for you. Just wanted to let you know I understand your pain.

Really? My mother passed away and I am still floored. I’m not immature. I do believe very strongly that this is the parents choice. I’m sorry you feel it doesnt make sense. I think it makes perfect sense. The parents choose the name they want. The end.

amother

Gray

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 7:02 pm

My baby was born on a chassidishe day and everyone thought I would give him corresponding rebbishe name which is also the name of a few great grandparents. (kah no grandparents to name after)

Instead I named for mil side after someone my dh never even met, and yes I got a few comments and raised eyebrows at the bris (and it wasn't even that personal mind you!)

Later a very special family member passed suddenly, who had the same rebbishe name, I told dh I am so grateful we didn't "waste" that name when my only explanation at the time was "not feeling it" - it's a beautiful name and those grandfathers were very great people

I can't believe the ruach hakodesh reason alone isn't doing it for you. I felt it so strongly. And for that reason can have no opinion on what anyone else names their kids

That said you're entitled to whatever feelings you have and I can't imagine your pain. Don't hold it against the grandson who did nothing!

amother

Scarlet

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 7:05 pm

I'm currently pregnant with my first boy after only girls. This will likely be my last child for various reasons. It's technically "my turn" to name a child after my side of the family and I have a grandfather who was niftar within the last couple of years who hasn't been named for yet in my immediate family. As much as we know it would make my parent happy to name for this grandfather we have still decided not to for very valid reasons. His name is too similar to immediate family on DH's side which doesn't feel right as we are Ashkenazim. DH also has a grandfather who has never been named for and will likely never get a name unless we use it because there are very few frum descendants on that side whereas there are multiple grandchildren on my side to name for my grandfather.

We think we're doing the right thing. It's possible there are family members who will be disappointed but we can't please everyone.

OP, I can understand that you are disappointed and even upset, but your reaction seems extreme. It's good that your daughter gave you advance notice of their naming plans so you have time to come to terms with the idea and will be able to hopefully act b'simcha at the bris. Your daughter and her husband have total say in what to name their child and you should try not to take their decision so personally, especially if you will end up causing issues with your relationship .

keym

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 7:06 pm

I want to point out that your daughter is doing the right thing by giving you advance notice. She could have blindsided you at the bris. She gave you advance notice to prepare yourself and come to terms with this name, not for you to pressure her to change it.

SuperWify

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 7:13 pm

amother wrote:

Pardon my ignorance but what is a “chassidshe day”?

SuperWify

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 7:15 pm

Op I’m sorry your in this situation.
But ultimately (right or wrong) your daughter carried and birthed this child and it’s her name to decide. You have to come a place of acceptance and love this grandchild as if it was named for your dad.

keym

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 7:31 pm

Op I am wondering. You say these are silly reasons. Maybe they are and maybe they aren't. But this is your father and you really love him. How would you feel about a less than silly answer. If your daughter said the reason she wasn't giving the name was because she or her husband couldn't stand the name would that make you feel any better, would you be angry, would you be even more hurt. Maybe your daughter is giving you silly reasons because she knows the real reasons will be even more hurtful? Just a thought to consider.

anonymrs

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 7:32 pm

OP, it sounds like you raised a wonderful daughter who was so considerate to let you know in advance that she wasn't going to be giving your father's name. I think you were completely wrong for saying anything at all about your own feelings. This is her child and you have absolutely no say in what name they choose.

amother

Coral

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 7:37 pm

amother wrote:

I don't get this concept at all. Why have we created undue burdens in regards to naming our children? The purpose of choosing a name should focus around the baby and not as an ilui neshama, or nechama to anyone. It should not be focused on whose turn it is or on any kind of name count either, and especially not be given to avoid yentish talk.

The mother carried the baby - and its up to her and her husband to decide how to go about it. They get to choose what is considered meaningful for them - whether its naming after a deceased relative, choosing based on how much they like a name, if they have a certain unexplainable feeling towards a specific one, or if they will they just pluck a name out of a hat.

Bobbies, Zeidies, Aunts and Uncles and everyone else - you've all had your turn to name your own babies. Now let your children have their own turn. Your feeling shouldn't even be in play here! Actually, your feelings shouldn't even be triggered here! Look at your new grandson, be proud, be happy and rejoice in the simcha. Don't create issues when there aren't any.

amother

Gray

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 7:41 pm

SuperWify wrote:

Pardon my ignorance but what is a “chassidshe day”?

Yahrtzeit of the rebbe

mommyla

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 7:42 pm

amother wrote:

I just want to validate you. Anyone who is saying they are "floored " by your reaction obviously never lost a parent.

OP’s husband has also lost a parent.

OP, don’t guilt your daughter. You had your chance to name your children, now it’s her turn. My mother was clearly miffed by some of the names my siblings and I gave our children, but it was our decision and not fair of her to make us feel guilty about naming our own children.

Like a poster said above, would you rather hear a potentially hurtful answer? Like she liked her other grandfather better, or didn’t like certain traits your father had, or her husband was bullied by some kid with that name?

watergirl

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 7:45 pm

amother wrote:

I don’t think I’m grieving my father still.
And they are not hearing me say that I regret coming. I’d never say that in front of her.

I do know it’s out of my hands.
They know how I feel.

Where I’m coming from is the shock I feel b/c I thought 100% that this is what they’d name him. B/c my whole family is waiting for a boy to be born since my father died. And there were only girls in that time.
I will get past this but think it will take me a long time. I still have to ensure the embarrassment of telling my family and I feel I did nothing wrong, and will have to be the subject of yentish questions and talking behind my back, and my daughters Back too. All of which I feel terrible about. I just cried my eyes out apologizing to my father for disappointing him. But like we all agree, nothing left for me to do.

I reallly don’t want to take care of my daughter right now. But I will have to.

I wanted to comment on the bolded. Your father is in Olam Shel Emes now. Do you really think he cares? Think about this. Honor means nothing up there. Its the mitzvos that we do to give an aliyah to his neshama. Why didnt Yaakov name his sons after Avraham Avinu? Lets separate our own sense of gaiva and earthly emotions from true emes.

SuperWify

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 8:06 pm

amother wrote:

Yahrtzeit of the rebbe

And it’s called this because...?
Sounds like a heyday

amother

Lavender

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 8:11 pm

Op, first of all Mazel tov! Regardless of this baby's name, having a new neshama added to a family is a zechus for the whole family. I want to share my story with you on the off chance that it helps relieve some of the pain that you are experiencing. I very much appreciate that the circumstances are different, but I think the bottom line of the story applies here as well.

I dated my husband understanding that if we ever had children together, our first son would be named for his grandfather with whom he was extremely close. I myself had not experienced personally such a relationship, but seeing what it did for my husband, I was fully supportive of his need to name after his hero, regardless of whether or not I liked the name.

Fast forward to our Sheva brachos. My own grandfather with whom I had no relationship passed away 3 days after we tied the knot.

10 months later I had a son. My husband and I were at odds. He felt very strongly that we should name for my grandfather who died only 10 months prior, and who no one else had the opportunity to name for yet. I understood this, but I also knew what naming after my husband's grandfather meant to my dh, whereas I didn't have a relationship with mine. And who knew that we would ever have more sons? We consulted with my father to see how he felt. He told us that the birth of a son was a sign of bracha and nechama, and that the name has nothing to do with it at all. A brick is removed from the founding wall of the family when someone dies, but when someone else is born, that brick can be replaced. He had menucha just from that and did not need a name to go with it. After much convincing, my husband agreed to name for his grandfather.

Fast forward to the bris. Watching the shock and disappointed faces of my father's family as the unexpected name came out was the worst feeling I have ever experienced. I wanted to crawl under the earth and die. I had no interest in hurting anyone, and yet I did.

I lived in terrible guilt for 2 years, even though I had done nothing wrong. It was not fair of anyone else to put an expectation on me to do what they were hopeful I would do. I can understand their disappointment, but they had no right to assume, though it was the obvious (to them) choice.

I got over it 2 years later at the bris of my second son. He was born 2 weeks late on the exact day that my first cousin gave birth to a son some 5 weeks early. Though we lived an atlantic apart and her son's bris should have occured hours before mine, they worked out to be preformed within 15 minutes of each other, and guess what? They share my grandfather's name and his bar mitzvah parsha as they were born the week of his birthday too. I felt a huge kiss from Hashem. Why did He orchestrate it to be so completely obvious that this was meant to be? I feel like He was making it clear that He has a plan, and we hadn't done anything wrong. For whatever reason there was not supposed to be a grandchild with that name until now.

I think your dd is being respectful by telling you. I think you are dealing well, but with pain. I get it. But know in your heart of hearts there is a bigger plan, and Hashem has got it. And as far as being embarrassed, there is nothing for you to be embarrassed about. This is not your choice. Others should be embarrassed for doing anything but wishing you nachas on your new grandchild.

Mazel tov!

mommyla

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 8:22 pm

Also, I have to say that there was something special about having my father name his grandson after his own father (we gave him krias shem at the bris), it was a beautiful and touching moment. We were unable to name after my mother’s father due to close relatives having the same name.

hesha

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 8:55 pm

I totally get you op. and its extra hard because you can't just smile at the bris and go home, you have to fake it for a while because you have to take care of your daughter. I don't envy you. maybe one way to help you go through it is to hold your head up high and say to yourself: I am now going to rise way above the circumstances and take care of my daughter because I think it is the right thing, not because she necessarily deserves it right now, or because I am enjoying it at all. My character is being put to test and I will square my shoulders and tap into my resources of maturity and selflessness. Each day that I can do this deserves a trophy. One day your daughter will likely look back and say, my mom is an amazing woman. I did something highly insulting, and she was amazing in her reaction.

amother

Papaya

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 9:00 pm

I lost my father so I can understand that pain. But apologizing to your father for your grandchild not being named after him ??? Focus on maintaining shalom in the family and ask Hashem to use that mitzva as an aliya for his neshama! You’ll be doing him a much bigger favor !

youngishbear

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 9:01 pm

I see some posters said "you had your chance to name your own children," and I want to point out the possibility that OP and others in her generation may have had similar pressures in their day from all the grandparents' expectations. Perhaps now they feel entitled to apply the same pressures they were subjected to.

I'm sorry for your disappointment, OP. I think it's great that you're coming here for validation and to gather strength before facing the event. Be strong for your daughter's sake. She needs you to care now about the living more than about the dead.

Hugs and mazel tov!

amother

Coral

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 9:07 pm

youngishbear wrote:

Sorry, but I don't get this concept either. If you were subjected to something unpleasant, why continue the cycle? Don't we all want to do better for our children?

mommyla

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 9:11 pm

youngishbear wrote:

My parents were not pressured to name us after any relatives whatsoever. They picked some relatives' names (for some of us), combined them, and modernized them. Now their belief is that if the name is not given as-is, it doesn't "count."

Page 3 of 8

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Next