Never thought I’d be one of those mothers

lavenderchimes

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 9:13 pm

Mazel Tov! I am sorry this joyful occasion is causing you so much pain. I can see that you are really struggling to do the right thing in spite if your overwhelmind hurt. I just want to encourage you to stop your mind before you think things like, "Maybe my duaghter was never so close to my father," etc. You have no reason to believe these things, and it is only going to increase your pain. Please do not let your yetzer hara create more pain from things that are not true. It is hard to accept, but you need to try to think that it is hashgacha protis. I know you said it's not true, but I do think you are still grieving your father (which is normal,) which is part of why this hit you so hard. I hope you can find peace soon.

DVOM

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 9:15 pm

I am not pregnant right now, but I know that if we have another boy, my mom will expect me to name after her father, who died about a year ago. My grandfather lived with us while I was growing up, and I think my mom would say that we were all very close with him. In truth, I think some of my siblings would say the same; My brother and sister both had boys during this year and named after my mother's father. I, however, had a very difficult relationship with this grandfather. It was nothing overt, but I strongly felt his disapproval of me and often felt belittled or criticized by him. I know it might be confusing or painful for my mother, who I love and respect dearly and would never want to hurt, but I cannot imagine naming a child of mine after this grandfather. I guess we'll cross that bridge if we come to it, but I just wanted to give another perspective. Naming a child is very personal. For me, there is something very otherworldly and almost scary about picking my babies names. Let your daughter pick a name that she feels is a good match for her kid without any guilt.

youngishbear

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 9:20 pm

amother wrote:

Sorry, but I don't get this concept either. If you were subjected to something unpleasant, why continue the cycle? Don't we all want to do better for our children?

I am not saying it's right; I'm saying perhaps that generation gave their parents the honor of choosing the name and expect the same honor bestowed on them now that they've paid their dues.

amother

Floralwhite

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 9:54 pm

Mazal Tov! I think like an above-poster said, your daughter feels like she honored you by naming after your mother & now it's her father's turn to be honored. I"YH she should have other sons & will name after your father too. I think she's trying to be fair about it. And I believe that ultimately, Hashem puts in the heads of the parents the name that is right for the particular child. May you have much nachas from all your grandchildren!

gold21

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 10:02 pm

amother wrote:

I agree with this.

It sounds like your daughter is trying to be fair.

I can understand if you feel upset OP, but you sound more than upset; you sound Angry! Betrayed! Furious! Devastated! Mortified! Try to look at the positives and yes, you can feel upset and hurt, but within reason. The birth of a grandson should not be cause for such intense negative feelings.

Mazal Tov!

imeinu

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 10:06 pm

watergirl wrote:

I wanted to comment on the bolded. Your father is in Olam Shel Emes now. Do you really think he cares? Think about this. Honor means nothing up there. Its the mitzvos that we do to give an aliyah to his neshama. Why didnt Yaakov name his sons after Avraham Avinu? Lets separate our own sense of gaiva and earthly emotions from true emes.

Along the lines of what watergirl wrote, your keeping quiet and being there for your daughter, swallowing your hurt feelings may be the very best aliyah for your father's neshama at this point.

Mazal Tov and wishing you many more healthy grandchildren who can carry your fathers name in the future.

Only Simchos!

amother

Natural

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 10:19 pm

amother wrote:

We had a similar story in our family, My father was very hurt that we didn't name after his Mother. He didn't have a name in OUR family, although one cousin gave a name right after her passing. But, by our previous child, he had insisted to give a name after HIS grandfather when it was my husband's turn....So even though there wasn't a name for his mother, We felt you have to give other parents a chance.

You gave a name for your side...let them honor your husband's side too. They will iyh give next time. Do you have other children that could give your father's name?

Metukah

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 11:32 pm

Jstar wrote:

Aside all the great reasons already posted...

Isnt it simple? Its the husbands turn? there might be other meaningful thoughts out there but nothing trumps the practical point that its not her turn. right??

No, both names are her side. Op's dd is giving the name of op's dh's father instead of op's father. Both names are from her dd's side.

amother

Powderblue

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 11:36 pm

Jstar wrote:

.

I don't see why families are so rigid about whose turn it is. You need some common sense here. If there's been a recent death in the family, and the parents want to use that name, they should go ahead and do it.

Again, op, I understand your disappointment. But if you are embarrassed to tell your family the name because they are all expecting it to be for your father, that means there's a whole extended family putting pressure on this young couple. Is that really a good thing?

You can't know all the factors that went into the decision. The kids were thoughtful enough to let you know in advance, so you could get over your disappointment. I think you should take the opportunity they have so graciously offered, and be gracious yourself. Naming for your father would have made you happy, but not naming for him isn't an insult. It's a choice made by the parents.

camp123

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 11:45 pm

OP, I hear your pain and I think you have every right to feel hurt, it doesn't seem right. However, realize that keeping shalom and forgoing your own feelings will probably elevate your father's neshama in a far greater way than using his name will. Think of it as a test from Hashem, don't blame your daughter, Hashem put it in her head to use this other name for reasons you can't know. At the bris say that it should be a zechus for your father that you will keep quiet. There can't be a greater gift you can give your father in the olam Haemes. Good Luck, and remember if it wouldn't be so hard, it wouldn't be such a zuchus; but you can do it.

studying_torah

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 11:59 pm

You know what bothered me the most, is that you now regret coming to be with your CHILD and do not want to take care of her post partum because you are upset by her name choice?! Really ? I'm sorry but that is horrible. Even if you do not tell your Dd anything, I assure you that she can feel this.
Do you think your father would want this? I think not.

sneakermom

Sun, Nov 26 2017, 12:04 am

Listen I think everyone is giving you great advice to swallow the pain and put on a brave face.

But if it was me, I would first need to really validate and tap into my feelings. I would let myself feel my outrage, betrayal and pain and cry my eyes out until I felt some relief.

Then on a calmer note I would have the koach not to act on those negative feelings and instead act loving and supportive to the new parents.

I am not at this stage yet. But coming closer with time. I am realizing more and more how being a good mother is putting ones ego to the side. And we all know how that's easier said than done.

Let us know how it goes for you. Wishing you nachas and true Simcha despite this painful hurdle.

WhatFor

Sun, Nov 26 2017, 12:27 am

OP- as you've raised this a couple of times, it seems like at least some part of your pain is coming from a dreaded embarrassment of how to explain this to your extended family.

Well they're not entitled to an explanation. Yentas are gonna yent and that's not your problem. You can't control everyone around you. You cannot control who your daughter is naming for and you cannot control what other people will say about it. So just let that go.

When they call to find out the name, you just say baby was named after DH's father who was a big tzaddik... Isn't that great? Lots of nachas, thank you for calling. Yadda, yadda.

If they so much have the chutzpah to question it ("oh, I thought they would have named after your father...") you can just politely say that this was the name that dd chose, they named after your side last time it was her turn and she'd very much been looking forward to naming after dh's father for a while, say some more good things about him, mention qualities he had that your daughter likes.

If they try to stir up drama, asking how you feel about that, aren't you upset, (rude!) just say you respect your daughter's decision, you're so excited to meet your new grandson, he looks exactly like so-and-so, etc. Give them nothing to talk about.

If they're really obnoxious, you can always flip it around and change the subject, saying how large the family is, kh growing, and hopefully there will be more opportunities soon. Speaking of which, how is their ds's shidduchim situation coming along....

flowerpower

Sun, Nov 26 2017, 12:33 am

I can see why you are hurt. It would bother me as well.
Young people sometimes have an interesting way of thinking and therefore make such decisions.
Can she ask her Rav what name would be best to give or it's not an option? I heard that in some circles people ask their rav before deciding.
Not naming a child solely because "you don't love the name" is one of the silliest things I heard. A name grows on the kid....
What is your husbands take on the whole thing?

etky

Sun, Nov 26 2017, 12:34 am

amother wrote:

This - especially since by naming after your DH's father, she is both honoring your DH (after you had a turn) and maybe also acknowledging, in the most poignant and personal way possible, her father's loss of his own father at such a young age.
I think also that sometimes family's tend to mythologize the 'missing parent' or grandparent, especially when he or she died young. From what you reported about your DD saying that he was 'a tzaddik' it sounds like this may also be the case here.
Or maybe she simply feels that you were zocheh to have your father for so many years and he saw granchildren and even great grandchildren whereas your DH's father was not even zocheh to fully raise his own children. In her mind what she is doing may be her own personal contribution to evening out the equation.

flowerpower

Sun, Nov 26 2017, 12:34 am

amother wrote:

Op's daughter already named after OP 's mother. Now it's OP's husband's turn. It seems simple to me. Why should OP hog all the names? I'm glad her DD is honoring her own father because it seems like he would never ask for it himself.

Because her husbands fathers name is given by a good few people already.
Because she knew this grandfather well.
Because no one gave the name yet.

amother

Periwinkle

Sun, Nov 26 2017, 2:53 am

Op here.
Haven’t had a chance to read all the answers yet. But would like to clarify:
My daughter gave me advance notice not to give me a heads up but she asked me if my dh’s father had a second name other than the name we all know about. Don’t think she would have told me otherwise. Even though I will admit and agree I’m happy that I know before the bris
- I would never ruin the simcha by carrying on or being hysterical in front of her or her dh. That’s unforgivable.
I’m just upset in my own 4 walls.
- I fully agree and know that it’s her and her dh’s decision as I mentioned in my op. She is the mother. She carried this child. I really really understand that.
And I also know that they have their reasons which I respect.

I was just shocked. That’s it.

Now that my shock is over, I will put on a smile and go help my daughter.

Cz that’s what the role of a parent is.