How to avoid invites from hosts we don't care for

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trixx

Sat, Dec 30 2017, 9:53 pm

It may not be a financial issue. I have a relative who just doesn't serve food. She made a bat mitzvah, invited entire extended family (tens of cousins let alone little kids and aunts/uncles) and literally had one pan of lasagna and one bowl on the buffet table. I don't know how all her kids have survived. In this case she is clueless, not a balabuste, possibly a very small eater herself. Nothing to do with money as she can well afford takeout, it's like it just doesn't occur to her. To such a person I would just refuse invites (as I have in the past until she finally got the hint). No need to do her a huge chessed and accept an invite

ROFL

Sat, Dec 30 2017, 9:56 pm

I had friends like this. All of s sudden I found a turkey in my freezer that was taking up too much place. I cooked and brought it over. It feed that family for a while. I also always feed the kids before we go.

naturalmom5

Sat, Dec 30 2017, 10:38 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

I’m not sure what you mean by hello Flatbush?

And I have people from my shul over all the time. Why would you think not?
I also have people over from imamother.
What does one have to do with the other?

Then can you please explain what you mean by this..
"In general, it’s only a mitzvah to invite guests if they have no where else to go"

Do all the people you invite fit into this category..

SixOfWands

Sat, Dec 30 2017, 11:09 pm

naturalmom5 wrote:

Then can you please explain what you mean by this..
"In general, it’s only a mitzvah to invite guests if they have no where else to go"

Do all the people you invite fit into this category..

That’s also my understanding.

I invite people all the time. Not as a mitzvah, but because I enjoy their company.

In any case, they’re probably just small eaters. We have friends like that. As others said, eat something before you go if you enjoy their company.

naturalmom5

Sat, Dec 30 2017, 11:24 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

I try to do both. Invite people I like for enjoyment.

But occasionally, I strive to fulfill what the Chofetz Chaim writes in Ahavas Chesed
have the poor and downtrodden, boorish, and ill-mannered Jews, for the sole purpose of following in the ways of Avrohom avinu.

In fact the Rambam writes , that if one doesn't have poor, suffering Yidden as guests at his Yom Tov table, it is not called a Yom Tov seuda, but a seudas kreiso (a feast to stuff his stomach) ..

nachlaot

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 1:47 am

op here. thanks for all the interesting replies.

the thing that I don't get -- if these people are poor, they can't be *that* poor. we obviously don't know all of their personal finances, but I suspect that they're neither rolling in money -- nor so destitute that they can't put together a budget-conscious shabbos meal where people are adequately fed.

they literally served one of those little individual dinner roll sized challahs for a table of 8 adults, both times we were there. and they cut it into 8 bite-sized pieces for everyone. no dips/sides. that's a representative example of all the courses they're serving.

the husband has a professional career, but likely isn't a big macher. plus, they have 3 kids kids in jewish schools. if they're struggling, I feel bad for them. but I find it hard to believe they don't have $4 to buy a proper challah. or can't bake a proper challah for much cheaper.

they might just be strange / weirdos. we don't know them well enough.

a lot of the families with kids in our community are really good about hosting the younger singles, the young couples, helping out with kiruv'ing, making sure the young BT types have a shabbat meal, etc.

both times we were at their house, the other guests were all younger singles and us (young couple). perhaps this family likes being able to host the younger crowd and they THINK they're doing a mitzvah. but the irony is that, I suspect, nobody wants to go back to their shabbat meals, so their "chesed project" has really turned into a chesed project for the young folks who feel bad for them and go back to their house.

the whole thing is just really bizarre. I don't know what they're thinking.

given that they're 10-15 years older than us and they're the ones who think they're doing the chesed project for the young folk, it'd be awkward/imposing/insulting if we brought a bunch of food over to their house. and bringing one dish isn't going to make their meal into a plentiful one.

the other problem with accepting their invitations is that these people seem clueless/desperate that they would literally invite us every week if we kept accepting their invites. recall, we went two shabbats in a row and they invited us for the 3rd shabbat in a row -- and the 4th and 5th.

we really don't want to go back to their home again, and we hoped they'd get the hint after we've blown them off several times. but they seem pretty persistent.

I wonder whether we should be honest and tell them to stop inviting us, or whether continuing to politely decline (or ignoring them) is the proper path.

amother

Linen

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 2:28 am

I'm the amother who ended up being great friends with our clueless hosts. I really feel for you. That is very awkward and the example you gave about the challah was good because it shows this is probably pathological miserliness on their part.... I wouldnt be surprised if they came from holocaust survivors.

Do not tell them the truth. That's my opinion. Maybe say you prefer to eat at home as a general rule. If they see you going to someone else, so what. And if you want to be kind, talk to the Rav/Rebbetzin of the shul. Leave it to them to see if they can find out what is going on with this family and if they can be helped financially if needed or delicately guided in how to host guests properly.

mame1

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 3:54 am

To OP: I'd say you should just continue to decline. Obviously there are some people that like going to them. You aren't among them.

newmom1987

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 4:10 am

All these answers are so weird. Invite them to you. The end.

nachlaot

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 4:39 am

newmom1987 wrote:

All these answers are so weird. Invite them to you. The end.

inviting them over is *even weirder* to me.

they're nice enough people, but we don't really have anything in common with these people. they don't even go to our shul, and we never would otherwise see them unless we happened to pass them by on the street.

we're a young couple w/o kids. we don't host much, but if we do, it's a small thing with other young singles/couple. it's be pretty awkward if the two of us hosted a shabbat meal for a couple 10-15 years older and all of their kids.

again, I don't think they're wanting to be our friends and come over to our place. they host every week, as I understand it. they want to feel like they're doing a chesed project for the young people in the community by inviting a bunch of us to shabbat at their house.

newmom1987

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 4:44 am

nachlaot wrote:

or maybe they're trying to make friends, and the couples their age have already given them the cold shoulder because they don't have much money. New couples are new potential friends. Why a 20 year old and a 30 year old can't be friends is beyond me, but I guess I'm not from your world.

SavtaHelen

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 7:28 am

I would expect that someone whom I invited for a meal would reciprocate the gesture. And it is not at all awkward IMHO to bring a side dish or a first course. Not answering their calls is rude. I don't think that telling them the truth is kind either. I would say that as a young couple we enjoy having Shabbatot alone, and while we greatly appreciate their invitations, we need time for our parents and for ourselves.
But I do think that a return invitation is warranted. Let THEM be the ones to turn you down. Are their kids home every Shabbat? I would say "if you have a shabbat when all the kids are out, we would love to host you, but our house is too small for a big family (if that is true) or something along those lines....
We don't have to be second guessing their financial status, their holocaust connections or their motivations for inviting you. The act of inviting is an act of kindness, they deserve some sort of answer instead of an evasion.

mommy3b2c

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 7:31 am

naturalmom5 wrote:

Then can you please explain what you mean by this..
"In general, it’s only a mitzvah to invite guests if they have no where else to go"

Do all the people you invite fit into this category..

Ummmm no....

I invite people that have a place to go. For example, I invite my friends, siblings, grandparents....
But I don’t consider it a mitzvah. I’m inviting them because I enjoy their company.

Bnei Berak 10

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 9:02 am

I was being invited for Shabbos-seudot for quite a few yrs when I was divorced. In Israel, 99.9% of the seudot you surely were very well fed and noone left table still being hungry. Many times food was simple but there was enough for everyone. To be invited to a Shabbos-meal with such tiny amounts of even challah... Well - thank you but no thank you. I prefer Shabbos Oneg and not Shabbos Onesh.

SixOfWands

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 10:13 am

nachlaot wrote:

You see, almost no one I know eats more challa than that. And no one eats “dips.” I’ve read about them here, but it’s not a thing for us.

Look, I get it. You don’t care for these people. So turn down their invitations, and don’t invite them. They’ll get the idea. No need to publicly analyze their finances and trash their meals, call them weirdos, and speculate that no one really likes going to their home. You’ve been sufficiently specific that it’s likely people know who you’re talking about. Maybe the woman has recognized herself.

My heart breaks for a family who just wants to be nice, and is publicly trashed this way.

etky

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 10:24 am

SixOfWands wrote:

Same. Challah is just challah by us- for the hamotzi, not a course with dips and such - unless I serve salads and dips as the first course instead of fish or another hot dish, in which case I will make sure there is plenty of challah to go with it.

amother

Pearl

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 10:28 am

but isn't a small challah split in to 8 pieces not enough "challah" halachically for each person for a shabbos meal?

Bnei Berak 10

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 10:29 am

SixOfWands wrote:

For challah, there is a minimum amount that you need to eat in order to say Birkat Hamazon. As far as I understand this is Halacha.

amother

Papaya

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 10:31 am

We eat very little challah at home but we know we're an anomaly so when we have guests we make sure to have lots.
If I'm a guest somewhere and I don't like the food I end up just eating lots of challah.

simba

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 10:32 am

When I get invites to somoeone I don't have interest in going to I decline it over and over until they get the hint. I have been doing this for 3 years to someone!

Last edited by simba on Sun, Dec 31 2017, 10:33 am; edited 1 time in total

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