How to avoid invites from hosts we don't care for

Bnei Berak 10

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 7:32 am

amother wrote:

but isn't a small challah split in to 8 pieces not enough "challah" halachically for each person for a shabbos meal?

Sounds to be far too little acc to OP's description.

etky

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 7:32 am

newmom1987 wrote:

or maybe they're trying to make friends, and the couples their age have already given them the cold shoulder because they don't have much money. New couples are new potential friends. Why a 20 year old and a 30 year old can't be friends is beyond me, but I guess I'm not from your world.

Or maybe they enjoy hosting other people w/o kids of their own because it provides them with adult company w/o the hassle and commotion of hosting additional children in their home. Possibly, they perceive OP and her DH, young 'marrieds before kids' as a sort of social bridge between them - an established family with kids and the assorted singles who they like to host. They fill a niche for them.

Stars

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 7:32 am

etky wrote:

Same. Challah is just challah by us- for the hamotzi, not a course with dips and such - unless I serve salads and dips as the first course instead of fish or another hot dish, in which case I will make sure there is plenty of challah to go with it.

As far as I know you need to eat a kazayis to be able to bentch properly. The amount she is describing doesn't qualify.

SixOfWands

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 7:35 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

For challah, there is a minimum amount that you need to eat in order to say Birkat Hamazon. As far as I understand this is Halacha.

Yes. About the size of a golf ball. My guess is that 1/8 of a roll is fine, but I’ve never measured it.

Raisin

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 7:36 am

SixOfWands wrote:

You see, almost no one I know eats more challa than that. And no one eats “dips.” I’ve read about them here, but it’s not a thing for us.

Look, I get it. You don’t care for these people. So turn down their invitations, and don’t invite them. They’ll get the idea. No need to publicly analyze their finances and trash their meals, call them weirdos, and speculate that no one really likes going to their home. You’ve been sufficiently specific that it’s likely people know who you’re talking about. Maybe the woman has recognized herself.

My heart breaks for a family who just wants to be nice, and is publicly trashed this way.

You don't know anyone who eats more challah then 1/8th of a dinner roll?

That definitely sounds like an inadequate amount of challah. Most people at my shabbos table eat 2 or 3 pieces of challah, which may be too much, but anything less then 1 slice or roll per person is definitely not enough.

Its possible these people are trying to lose weight and don't want to be tempted by challah.

Raisin

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 7:38 am

SixOfWands wrote:

Yes. About the size of a golf ball. My guess is that 1/8 of a roll is fine, but I’ve never measured it.

I would think you need at least 3 dinner rolls for 8 people to serve a golf ball sized piece.

etky

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 7:43 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

Sounds to be far too little acc to OP's description.

The point is not the halachic aspect - we don't know exactly how big the roll was or how much each person actually ate - but that for this family the challah might be a very negligible aspect of the meal. Not everyone makes a big production over challah.

amother

Gold

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 7:46 am

Can you tell them that you will call them when you are craving another Shabbos at their home? Somehow make it clear that they don't need to keep calling you, but that you will take their number and you will call them when you are ready.

SixOfWands

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 8:00 am

Raisin wrote:

Different communities.

FTR, unless it’s just me and DH, I serve an entire challah. But its rare anyone eats more than a small piece. Even when I bake myself.

shiaeisen

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 8:03 am

I too agree they probably don’t have much money, but still yearn to do the mitzvah of hachnosas orchim. It shouldn’t be too hard to tell what their financial situation is; do they live very modestly in other ways, ie. their home, etc? If they’re decent, nice, well meaning people, which it sounds like they are, I believe they shouldn’t be deprived of having guests. You should just offer to bring some cooked dishes, and this way everyone will have enough plus you’ll have the mitzvah of providing a needy family with shabbos food. I also don’t think the bashing is nice...simply concluding that “they shouldn’t have guests over,”is unkind.

Raisin

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 9:12 am

SixOfWands wrote:

Different communities.

FTR, unless it’s just me and DH, I serve an entire challah. But its rare anyone eats more than a small piece. Even when I bake myself.

I have a huge assortment of different people at my shabbos table. MO, not frum, DL israelis, chareidim, from all sorts of countries. Possibly some people eat very little, and I certainly don't serve a huge amount (no more then 3 courses - either soup or fish, main course and dessert). Most of the variety is to cater to different likes and allergies or intolerances. Eg gluten free, vegan etc. If it was just my family I would make a lot less.

tichellady

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 9:42 am

Op, they seem to have some weird food issues. I agree that your Challah example shows a lack of food ( especially in Israel where Challah and dips are such a part of the meal) I would just say “ thanks so much for the invitation, it’s not a good week for us”

DrMom

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 10:36 am

SixOfWands wrote:

You see, almost no one I know eats more challa than that. And no one eats “dips.” I’ve read about them here, but it’s not a thing for us.

I realize this isn't the main focus of this conversation, but I also don't call humus and matbucha, etc. "dips." You don't dip your challah into them, they way you dip a tortilla chip into salsa. I would call them "spreads."

And we don't eat tons of challah. Just a slice or 1/2 slice each for hamotzei.

We have lots of food, just not challah.

amother

Red

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 11:52 am

SixOfWands wrote:

You see, almost no one I know eats more challa than that.

You don't know anyone who eats more than an individual dinner roll divided into 8 pieces?

How does anyone say bircas hamazon then? (which one would need a kezayis for - and is only half of what one is supposed to have in a Shabbos seuda [kebaitza].)

Aside, from that - she said that the other courses were on par with theses amounts. Even with those who don't care for much challa - I would imagine that they serve enough other food, which obviously isn't the case here.

etky

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 12:01 pm

amother wrote:

I'll admit that it is odd, even for families who just eat challah for the hamotzi.
But it just occured to me that maybe some of the guests were last minute invites, like on Shabbat already, and challah isn't something you can produce or augment at the last minute unless you have one in the freezer.

Bnei Berak 10

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 12:03 pm

amother wrote:

Thanks for bringing up this point. If you do eat too little challa and then to say the entire Birkat Hamazon then it's bracha lebattalah I believe.

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 12:04 pm

DrMom wrote:

IME people from Brooklyn refer to spreads as dips. I have only seen "dips" served as a first course when visiting Brooklyn, although it may be done other places as well (I'm "OOT" and I would serve spreads with challah as a light meal, such as seudah shelishit, or lunch on a weekday).

mommy3b2c

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 12:11 pm

etky wrote:

I’m sorry. But it’s still odd. It’s socially awkward and just not a normal way to act. I would say that op should accept the invitation every once in awhile to do a Chesed to these hosts, because there is clearly something off about them.

Anyway, let’s say the other guests were last minute?
Who serves a challah roll to 4 adults?

amother

Red

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 12:17 pm

Also, if it happens every time OP is there, even if the reason is last minute guests then it isn't an excuse anymore. Someone who always invites last minute guests knows to prepare extra food just in case.

Look, I agree that it's not nice to trash these people. But, it's also not nice to make OP in the wrong when she's clearly got a real reason to be bothered about it.

amother

Aubergine

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 12:22 pm

If you came to my house for a shabbos meal I probably wouldn't have challah to offer you. I would have some matzah in the pantry.
And I will admit, I have food issues and am socially off.
And despite all of my food issues and social awkwardness I still enjoy having company.
And if I were to call you every week , and you repeatedly declined my invites, and I continued inviting you, that would add another dimension to my existing weirdness.
So, socially weird or not, food issues or not, you dont want to eat there again? And you want her to stop calling you? So find a nice way to make it happen.
One thing is clear to me: when you are invited out you want to be served well. Find a way to make it hapoen. "Thanks for inviting us. I have a big appetite and it works best for me to stay home where I can eat to my heart's content. Nothing personal about you, I just don't expect people to spend all that money to feed me"