Just for laughs! | Imamother

yksraya

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 9:13 pm

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?"

The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

Jewishfoodie

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 9:18 pm

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband,
"Shut up, idiot! ...you're next!"

Jewishfoodie

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 9:19 pm

A Rabbi, a priest and the Pope walk into a bar.
The barman said,
"Is this some kind of joke?"

Jewishfoodie

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 9:20 pm

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

yksraya

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 9:29 pm

On a plane that was headed to New York, the flight attendant went to a blonde who was sitting in the first class section. He asked her to move to the lower class because she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, “I’m blonde. I’m beautiful. I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.” The flight attendant didn’t want to argue with a customer, so he asked the co-pilot to speak with her. The co-pilot went to the blonde and asked her to move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde. I’m beautiful. I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”
The co-pilot went back to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.”
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the lower class section. She mumbled to herself, “Why didn’t anyone just say so…”
The flight attendant and the co-pilot were surprised, and they wanted to know what the pilot had just said. The pilot replied, “I told her that the first class section wasn’t going to New York.”

yksraya

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 9:32 pm

Peter goes to a doctor.
“Doctor, I’ve got a problem,” he says. “Every time when I get into bed, I think that there is somebody under it. I look under the bed and I think there is somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. I think I am crazy!”
The doctor thinks for a moment. Then he says, “Come to me for 2 years. Come here three times a week and I will help you.”
“How much will I pay?” Peter asks.
“A hundred dollars for a visit,” the doctor says.
Peter says, “I’ll think about it.”
Peter never visits the doctor again. Sometime later, he meets the doctor on the street.
“Why didn’t you come to visit me again?” the doctor asks.
“A hundred dollars for one visit? It’s expensive for me. A barman helped me for 10 dollars.”
The doctor is shocked, “What did he do with you?”
“He told me to cut the legs of the bed.”

FranticFrummie

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 9:43 pm

True story. I can't make this stuff up. Too funny not to share!

I went to Maccabi and made an appointment for a Neurologist. I thought I was going to have to go to Haifa, but I was surprised to learn that there was one right there in our office. I was even more surprised to learn that he could see me on Friday! It was an early morning appointment, but I couldn't believe my luck so I grabbed it.

Friday morning comes, and I keep hitting the snooze alarm. Why are mornings to awful? Finally, I drag myself out of bed at the last possible minute, and get to the office right on time. Then I find out the doctor is running late, and I don't get to see him until a half an hour later. I could have gotten a half an hour extra sleep, but I keep reminding myself how lucky I am.

I get into his office, and he's in a HORRIBLE mood. He launches into this speech about "all these people are acting like children! I'm not running a kindergarten here!" Um, OK then. I sit down, and he says "Why are you here?" I give him my list of issues, and tell him I'm getting an MRI next week, and I'm just checking in. He says "But what are you here for?" I tell him, yet again, that I'm here regarding my epilepsy. He says "But how can I help you?"

At this point, we're looking at each other like one of us has got to be crazy. I said "I need to see a neurologist." He says "I am a neurologist". I said, "so, this is about my epilepsy" and he says "but I'm a neurologist. ***WHAT???*** Then he asks "How is your bladder?" Now I"m really confused. I tell him "my bladder is fine, I need a neurologist."

Suddenly, it dawns on him. He says "I'm a neurologist". I said "Yes, a neurologist." He says no, "I'm AN UROLOGIST!"

I started laughing so hard! I completely lost it and couldn't even catch my breath for a minute. I told him I had asked for an appointment with a NNNNNNNNN-eurologist, not an URRRRRRRRR-ologist! Now we're both cracking up completely.

He says "So, you don't need me?" I say "Thank G-d, I don't need you!" I wished him to have a great day, and left.

DH meets me outside and says "How was your appointment? I told him what happened, and he says "So, he was a neurologist?" NO, AN UROLOGIST! "So what's the problem, he's a neurologist!" Me: No, URRRRRRR-ologist!

Who's on first, what's on second, IDK is on third - and life in Israel is very funny sometimes.

Post script: I finally have a Neurologist appointment. It's in Haifa, and the soonest I can get in is next month. I knew it was too good to be true!

Jewishfoodie

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 9:47 pm

This morning on the way to work I wasn't really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.
The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

FranticFrummie

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 9:52 pm

Jewishfoodie wrote:

GRUMPY, duh!

Jewishfoodie

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 9:57 pm

The teacher said to his class one day, "Anyone who thinks they're stupid stand up."

Nobody stood up so the teacher said, "I'm sure there are some stupid students in this class!"

At this point Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Oh Johnny! So you think you're stupid, then?"

Little Johnny replied, "No, I just felt bad that you were standing up there, on your own.. ."

Jewishfoodie

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 10:00 pm

"I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.."

shanie5

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 10:00 pm

A blonde called AAA "Help, I left the keys in the ignition and locked the car" They said they would be there within the hour. She said"Oh, please hurry, it's a convertible and I left the top down!"

Fox

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 10:10 pm

What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

De-calf-inated.

Jewishfoodie

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 10:10 pm

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

Jewishfoodie

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 10:17 pm

Q: Why did the Blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills

Fox

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 10:19 pm

On Purim, women are obligated to drink until they can't remember that they have only four weeks to clean for Pesach.

Jewishfoodie

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 10:22 pm

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

penguin

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 10:23 pm

If people are posting these blond jokes, does that mean that un-PC jokes are okay?

Fox

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 10:23 pm

President Trump calls in the head of the CIA and asks, "How come the Jews know everything before we do?"

The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression - "Vus tutzuch?" which in Yiddish means "What's Happening?". They just ask each other and they know everything."

The President decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is true. He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long black coat) and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car, and dropped off on a Boro Park street.

Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, "Vus tutzuch?"

The old guy whispers back..... "Trump is in Brooklyn."

Pickle1

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 10:25 pm

why does it take 4 blonde's to change 1 light bulb? 1 to stand on the chair and hold the bulb, and the other 3 to turn her chair