Just for laughs! | Imamother

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 7:20 pm

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

He went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Aaagh! This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back."

Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 9:34 pm

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
They all board the train.

The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!"

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants see this and agree it is an extremely clever idea.
So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip, and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.

He knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please!"

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 9:52 pm

All over the world! I collect them.... Though I still am not completely sure British people call them jokes, judging by the expressions on their faces when they hear one...

Speaking of which..

A businessman was interviewing job applications for the position of manager of a large division.

He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate.

He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist.
His answer was, "Twenty-two".

The second was a social worker.
She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it."

The third applicant was an engineer.
He pulled out a slide rule and came up with an answer "somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001."

Next came an attorney.
He stated that "in the case of Jenkins vs. the Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four."

Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant.

When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down.

Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

He got the job. Of course.

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 10:04 pm

A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary.

Knowing his wife loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.
When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared.
He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.
The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband.
Shazam!
Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.
The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger.

Shazam!
Instantly he turned 93 years old...

shanie5

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 11:07 pm

3 men were boasting how good they were with a sword. the first one swiped his sword at a fly-it fell to the floor in 2 pieces. The second man swished his sword twice at a fly-it fell to the floor in 4 pieces.
The 3rd guy swung his sword at a fly-it just continued flying. "you missed it totally" said the first 2. "no said the 3rd guy-thats the only fly you will ever see with a bris!"

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 11:16 pm

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 11:22 pm

A mature woman gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer : Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer : Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer : Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer : Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer : You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and immediately calls for back up. Within minutes, 5 police cars surround the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, gripping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?!?

Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner....Im not sure what's going on here..

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too...?

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 11:30 pm

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.

He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer, trying to give her back.. "

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 11:32 pm

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...

"Go get your Mother."

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 11:38 pm

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked,

"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied,
"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.. ."

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 11:48 pm

A housewife and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The housewife, tired, just wants to take a nap, and politely declines, rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says,
"Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $5000.00!"
This catches the house wife's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The housewife doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer,
"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, but to no avail. He has no answer.

He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, still, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the housewife, and, admitting defeat, hands her $5000.00.

The housewife says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the housewife up yet again, and asks,

"Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the housewife reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 11:52 pm

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 11:57 pm

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,

“Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.

In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says,

“Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times... ”