Where have all the stay at home moms gone? :(

amother

Chocolate

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 9:07 pm

amother wrote:

My DH was never in kollel but we both work full time to pay bills.
My nieces who are in kollel don’t send their kids out because they work so few hours and get tons of benefits and support. Or they have a playgroup and their kids stay with them for a few years.
I have nothing against their lifestyle I’m just saying kollel doesn’t necessarily mean kids go out more or at all.
Many mothers outside the kollel world have full time jobs like dr, accountant, lawyer that take them out of the house way more then a morning teacher or speech therapist or babysitter or playgroup morah.

Who said all of the above didn't exist? But does any of it discount that there are many mothers who are the sole breadwinners because of their choice of a kollel lifestyle & cannot be SAHM because of it?

amother

Plum

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 9:10 pm

Hate to break it to you sanctimommy
I’m a SAHM and I send my kids to playgroup from the age of two and by three they are already in preschool.
I need my space once they start needing entertainment.
Do what works for you but quit the guilt-tripping.

doodlesmom

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 9:11 pm

It's a pet peeve of mine when mothers of kids 6 months and up claim they need to send out their kid for the kids sake because the kid needs structure. NO! A kid needs mommy's hugs and kisses, her attention and maybe a play date for an hour or so a day.
If the mother isn't willing or capable to entertain the kid-fine, but don't say the kid needs it say "I" need it.

Also don't bash those who do keep their kid home- they will not be developmentally delayed in any way!!

amother

Khaki

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 9:14 pm

There's no choice these days. 2 incomes are necessary.
Yay feminism; thank you for that. Why did I have to trade in motherhood in order to obtain equal rights? I should be allowed equality without my family having to suffer.
Our ability to go out into the workforce somehow changed the economy that it's no longer possible to live off one income. This is not what our founding women intended.

Rachel Shira

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 9:16 pm

I have to work (my husband does too) and so I bring my 3 month old baby to daycare every day. And every day I wish I could stay home with him.
You’re very lucky you have the opportunity and resources to be a SAHM, since that’s what you want to be doing. Not everyone is trying to get rid of their children.

amother

Dodgerblue

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 9:20 pm

amother wrote:

I work. Nobody is suffering.

amother

Pumpkin

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 9:22 pm

amother wrote:

Exactly men used to be paid more when they were the bread winners

amother

Slategray

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 9:32 pm

I'm a SAHM:
these are my thoughts

there's something called low income vouchers that helps/pay (don't know) families where both parents work but are low income pay for childcare

in the MO world tuition is very expensive and often requires a two parent income.

frum life in general, especially with a large family is expensive so both parents work. not all mothers are working because they chose to.

Stepping out of the workforce will likely diminish your salary down the line so women work even when the kids are little to not be at that disadvantage when they are older.

Because so many families have two incomes the economy is based on that. if you want to buy a house you are competing with people who are earning two incomes vs your one...

If you are home with a baby sometimes its hard to deal with the older sibling as well. I have large age gaps. My 3 year old last year was home with me. This year she's in school and I have a new baby. I know this is a luxury that many don't have but I don't function well on lack of sleep and so I try to nap when baby naps during the day, thats a lot harder when you have an older kid home. A sahm I know who's kids are 18 months apart sent her older kid out to preschool for her sanity and the wellbeing of their "relationship".

As a previous poster said not everyone wants to "entertain" a 3 year old all day...

Because of all the above if you do want to keep your 3 year old home there probably won't be many peers for them.

amother

Periwinkle

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 12:31 am

Keep in mind not all 3 year olds are alike. Some can entertain themselves for slots of time and some need full time entertainment. I’ve had both types and send out some earlier than others. Children that need full time entertainment (otherwise their doing dangerous trouble ) are very hard to keep at home. You can’t even go to the bathroom safely. When you have a child that climbs and reaches everything and nothing keeps them interested for more than a couple of minutes they usually do better in playgroup where there is constant attention. I also had 2.5 year olds that took a long nap and some that didn’t nap at all.
Please don’t judge since you don’t know what the other person is dealing with.

skee

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 12:45 am

Rachel Shira wrote:

This! Most people I know work because they have to. And their husbands are not in kollel. Not all men have the earning power to support a family without additional income from the wife's job. Unfortunately, these days being a sahm is a luxury that many cannot afford.

amother

Vermilion

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 12:56 am

Thank you sanctimommy. You just made me feel even worse than I already do. I work because we need to. Yes, my husband works but we still need 2 incomes. We are professionals but live in a high cost area. We aren't wealthy, can't buy a house, don't pay for vacations etc. I coupon to help pay for basics.
I hate working full time.

Your comment is hurtful. I wish I could be a SAHM even part time. You just stuck a knife in my heart. Why the judgment?

amother

Floralwhite

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 4:47 am

I think it's a great luxury to be a sahm. And a wonderful gift. But guilting others and coming off as judgemental is not going to convince .

I think mothers who saythe child is bored is code for I am not cut out for this or I can't spend the whole day being the "morah" because I have other things that need to get done too and other children will be there and they can socialize.

There is also a downside to being a sahm. It usually turns obvious a bit later. You are no longer financially independent and that makes you vulnerable if later a less than ideal marriage gets worse or other unpredictable things cvs. Or when the kids are all out of the house and you get lonely or have a hard time breaking back into working.

It's not so black & white. It's gray!

amother

Aubergine

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 4:53 am

I think once babies are mobile they are better off in a playgroup. A focused care provider and socialization is much better than the benign neglect that happens at home. Children learn so much in a playgroup (not numbers and colors, it's the social skills and fine/gross motor skills that are important), and it gives the mother a chance to get errands/chores done so she can focus on the child in the afternoon. Just my opinion.

Raisin

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 5:34 am

A great option for SAHM (or WAHM/part time working mothers) with lively toddlers is playgroups that let kids come for 2 or 3 mornings a week. That is plenty of socialisation for a 2 year old.

It definitely makes it harder to keep a young child home when all other kids that age are in playgroup all day. There is no one to go to toddler groups, the playground, etc.

amother

Orchid

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 6:02 am

I work part time and my kids go to play group from about 18 months and up. They go from 8-12 and from about 3. They go from 8-1. They love it, and are super happy, well adjusted. I love it because I can work and make $ and talk to adults. I think I am doing what’s best for my kids and myself and my family and your judgy comments won’t change my mind. They have plenty of hugs and love from mom and dad and siblings. And see me from 1or 2 pm every day and all weekends.

What works for you isn’t universally best for everyone, so step carefully off that pedestal my dear and calm down.

amother

Blush

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 6:04 am

My kids are going to playgroup when they're 12 months. My sister's kids go when they're 3 months.
I WISH I could be a sahm. My biggest dream is to be around my kids. Husband doesn't allow it... He says he won't work so hard so I can stay at home and "relax". I also need to work to be more independent.. don't want to depend on him and ask him for an allowance.

Instead of complaining you should be thankful that you get to see your kids so much. Honestly thank hashem every morning. I have to leave my crying kids with a stranger and it breaks my heart. So please don't try and make me feel more guilty than I already do. Your way of life is a luxury that a lot of people don't have. I've come to accept my life as it is and I try to make the best of it. There are no positive aspects about little ones going off to playgroup in my opinion. But in my case they just have to. All I can do is , try to find them a wonderful morah and be there for them after work.

amother

Orchid

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 6:04 am

amother

Blush

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 6:19 am

amother wrote:

That's what I always say. Honestly I'd rather not be allowed to vote and be able to raise my kids full time than vote and have to work full time!!