Where have all the stay at home moms gone? :(

Ema of 5

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 11:28 am

doodlesmom wrote:

It's a pet peeve of mine when mothers of kids 6 months and up claim they need to send out their kid for the kids sake because the kid needs structure. NO! A kid needs mommy's hugs and kisses, her attention and maybe a play date for an hour or so a day.
If the mother isn't willing or capable to entertain the kid-fine, but don't say the kid needs it say "I" need it.

Also don't bash those who do keep their kid home- they will not be developmentally delayed in any way!!

My son needed way more structure than I could provide for him. Having him home would have been a huge detriment to our relationship, even at that young age. I sent him to playgroup when he was two turning three. I don’t regret it for a second. My next one needed more socialization than I could give her, so I sent her to nursery. (She turned 3 the summer before school started) My next one was home with me until the fall after he turned 3, and my baby will be turning 3 this year, and she will be going to playgroup next year as well.
I don’t understand why it’s ok for you to ask that people don’t bash those who keep their kids home, but it’s ok for you to bash those who don’t?

jewishmom6

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 11:32 am

amother wrote:

I don't really understand.

Why are you not enough for your littles?

Nothing can replace YOUR love and attention. NOTHING. They don't need friends. They don't need anything but you.

Your time, your smile, your affection—even if you are doing your chores together, it can still be bonding. Can they really be replaced by another toddler?

And honestly, do you really think that any of that changes when your littles hit 5, or 9, or 17? I surely hope that you're not considering sending them to day prison. You're all they need. Ever.

nope, I don't agree. my kids love school. its so good for them to see new foods, friends and a routine, learn so much new skills. They dont need to be so attached to their mom.
I can give them all that love and attention after they come home from school until bedtime + weekends. If I am out of the house and dont have my kids in my hair the whole day = happier mom. I love my kids to no end and they love me to and they are all go out to playgroup for the day.

Ema of 5

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 11:37 am

amother wrote:

I’m from Norway (no longer living there but live in Sweden so I’m never too far from home). Norway is an expensive country. The idea of being a stay at home mother for an indefinite amount of years is crazy to most Norwegian women. Up to 1 year of maternity leave is granted and after that, children go to kindergarten. Same here in Sweden. But we don’t work as many hours as Americans and we get more benefits. I don’t think our children suffer any more. In fact I think American parents hover over their children way too much. Being around your children all day every day is just not healthy for either of you, but maybe that’s just the Scandinavian in me talking.

When you say kindergarten, you are not referring to the American equivalent with the same name, correct? You mean daycare?

amother

Black

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 12:40 pm

thegiver wrote:

Why does no one keep their kids home anymore? If more parents did it, it would incentivize others to do the same. My 3yo ds could use friends but all are in playgroups!! Do you think arts and crafts and a morah’s love is greater than being there for your little ones? This is their formative years. Nothing can replace your love and attention.

I understand if you are working by choice because you dont have patience. Its not easy being constantly on call to a toddler. But you are irreplaceable. Your time, your smile, your affection—even if you are doing your chores together, it can still be bonding.

I hope I can persuade other moms who are ambivalent about keeping their kids home and if it is viable financially for you not to work or to work nights and weekends or start your own business on your time... do it for your kids sake!! It is not easy but your kids will thank you one day. And no alphabet enrichment or education replaces the value of play at the tender age of 3. Socialization opportunities would be very beneficial though.

On that note if you are a stay at home mom with children age 3 or older (and not anti vax—pls no offense meant to you—just want to protect my little baby) pls reach out to me via private message and let’s connect.

Wait. You think I send my child to the babysitter while I work because that's what other parents so?
You think I work for fun?
I work so I can provide for my child. For clothing, shelter, etc.
Do you really think that if the people around me stay home with my children it will "incentivize" me?! As a matter of fact, the people around be so stay home with the children (for the most part), how would that "incentivize" me? I do what right for me, for my family.
You really think you can pursuade parents? On what basis?
Also, how do you know their children will thank them?
I see this on imamother so the time, how bad it is to work, how bad it is for the children..
How do you know?
Are you that child?
DH's mom worked, and your know what, he is THANKFUL she worked. That she was able to provide for them. They had a loving caregiver, and when their Mommy came home, she focused on them. She was/is a fun mommy, a caring mommy, even if she didn't stay home with them all day.
DH thinks he would have gotten sick of her off she stayed home with him all day.
Someone I know was saying he wished how mom went out to work, how she needed a hobby instead of being on top of her kids all day.
Regardless, I don't think anyone will stay home because you are"pursuading" them on this site.

Zehava

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 12:59 pm

amother wrote:

My kids are going to playgroup when they're 12 months. My sister's kids go when they're 3 months.
I WISH I could be a sahm. My biggest dream is to be around my kids. Husband doesn't allow it... He says he won't work so hard so I can stay at home and "relax". I also need to work to be more independent.. don't want to depend on him and ask him for an allowance.

Instead of complaining you should be thankful that you get to see your kids so much. Honestly thank hashem every morning. I have to leave my crying kids with a stranger and it breaks my heart. So please don't try and make me feel more guilty than I already do. Your way of life is a luxury that a lot of people don't have. I've come to accept my life as it is and I try to make the best of it. There are no positive aspects about little ones going off to playgroup in my opinion. But in my case they just have to. All I can do is , try to find them a wonderful morah and be there for them after work.

That is so sad! I’m so sorry that that is the way he sees you taking care of his babies!

amother

Blush

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 1:24 pm

SacN wrote:

Sorry. I have to go on. It's not the middle ages, it's the 40s and 50s dear. Women were restricted from the top schools, from practicing in many fields.
The same women who fought for the right to vote fought for all these things. It's not there yet, as you say. So please, don't back pedal.

Some women had great husbands. Some had great employers and doctors. Not everyone was so lucky.

Denied autonomy to make decisions regarding birth control (by your doctor).

The right to own property.

The right to patent your ideas.

The right to have an abortion if your life is in danger.

The right to privacy.

The right to maintain your citizenship if you marry a foreigner.

The right to choose who you marry.

Dont forget equal pay for the same work.

The right to child support even when there's shared custody.

And how many women don't use bc now because their rabbis don't let them? According to halacha the money the wife makes belongs to the husband... Do you see how things aren't much different?
Some girls nowadays still don't have the right to marry who they want. Would you let your son marry a nonjewish girl? I doubt it.
There's no equal pay.. I make less than my male coworkers.
The things feminists were fighting for did improve a little. But they weren't as bad as you're saying and they're not good enough to make up for the bad stuff that came with it.
Men who use feminism to say: well you wanted it that way so now you can do it all.
It's my opinion and you can't convince me otherwise.

amother

Blush

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 1:28 pm

amother wrote:

Do you really believe this? That's really scary. You're saying your kids don't need friends? All they need is you? Even when they're older... Sounds like you're extremely clingy and you're the one that needs them. Kids need friends and they definitely need and want to be more independent the older they get. A 17 year old needs friends just as much as he or she needs family. How on Earth do you expect your kids to get married if you're so overly attached to them?
I hope you're not raising your kids in a way that they're always dependent on you just because you have no other interests beside them. That's not healthy.... You need hobbies and friends and so do they.

amother

Pink

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 1:53 pm

doodlesmom wrote:

amother wrote:

Ugh all you sanctimommies (love the term thanks to the first amother who used it)
You clearly never met my son

At 2m he was in daycare - not by choice - my extended maternity leave ended and I had go to work to earn a salary. I felt abusive but sorry that's life.

Once he hit like 10-11m I no longer minded. He was eating solids, he loved his little baby friends, the teacher was kind and caring, and the alternative (that's if I didn't still have to work - which I did) would have been to keep him in our little one bedroom apt.

At 18m I put him into a 2y classroom and he looooovveeeed it and thrived and grew SO MUCH. I don't care about structure or ABC. Some kids just need socialization and action. Even after I pick him up I need to take him somewhere else before going home. He just needs constant action and my apt with no other kids can't provide it.

Tldr shut up and enjoy staying at home with your perfect little children who subsist on mommys kisses and need no other stimulation in their lives.

SacN

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 2:09 pm

Quote:

1) I think we just had a thread about this. Most people said this isn't really how it works. If it is, by all means, find a new rav. It's not like women who couldn't legally get birth control. I've never had a pharmacist deny me my birth control, nor had a doctor refuse me a proscription. Nor, in fact, a Rav, restrict my usage.

2) At 120, this is one of the first questions I plan to ask. Meantime, I will enjoy my credit card. And my personal bank account, pension fund, and savings plan. G-d forbid something happens to my husband, that money will stay mine. Meantime, I won't begrudge him my money and he won't begrudge me his. I consider this a basic right. If your husband gives you an allowance, consider opening your own credit card. You're entitled to it.

3) I won't 'let' my adult children anything. Just as, bH, my husband doesn't own me, I won't own my children. I certainly hope they accept my assistance and guidance when it comes to getting married, but I don't know anyone today who was forcibly married off at 15 and don't know anyone who married against their will.
I do know that if my daughter is G-d forbid raped (even by her husband), she has legal rights to prosecution. BH.

4) I earn as much as the men in my field. If you do equal work and are not paid equally, find a better job and SUE. I also have the legal right to maternity leave, to not be fired while I'm pregnant or immediately after returning from leave, to pump at work in a clean locked room (that isn't a bathroom).

There will always be people who choose not to use the rights granted to them. There is definitely still room for improvement. There will always be those with more power than others. But if you WANT them or NEED them, those rights are there for you. That CHOICE, to use them or not, is your right, hard won.

Thank goodness.

amother

Turquoise

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 2:10 pm

amother wrote:

I can't decide if this is sarcastic or not Scratching Head

The beginning sounds sanctimonious enough, but the end kinda sounds like poking fun...

And if not, goodness, I feel bad for your children. My mother was an awesome SAHM but she was waaaaaay too attached to us (still is) and it's created a lot of issues. She's been an empty-nester for over a decade and we all wish she would've gotten a job.

I do value staying home with my kids and keep them home until they're 3 (or turning 3 shortly after the start of the school year). I also work from home so that I have my career when they're all in school. I volunteer for the school too. It's hectic but it's totally worth it so as not to turn into my mom, as terrible as that sounds.

It does bug me that I'm one of the only ones around who keeps my kids home, simply for selfish reasons (I wish I had more playdates for my kids or a mommy & me class with other frum moms rather than at the local Gymboree or Little Gym). My kids need a lot of stimulation and it's hard to provide that all myself, so I totally understand why people choose to send out early when they technically don't "have" to. It also bugs me when my FIL professes that my kids "need friends" at 8 months of age, which they don't Rolling Eyes

amother

Lemon

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 2:14 pm

I didn't send any of my kids to playgrp because I wanted to spend time with them as I waited long for them. That was until my last toddler I had no choice with. I had another child in hospital & was running to him everyday. I had to find another mommy, every day, that was willing to take her. One day she was crying that she doesnt like a diff mommy every day. I sent her to playgroup. She loved it. She felt she had one stable place every day. Now she's home with me as my other child is not in hospital now & every day she's begging me she wants to go to school.
She's also hates to play with toys on her own & loves company & going out.