Son has stash of lingerie model pics; say something?

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

Previous 1 2 3 4 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Emerald

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 5:41 pm

This is relatively minor. Not serious p-rn. I'd let it go. Especially if he and his father have a poor relationship. You have to think long term, will confronting him he helpful or harmful?

amother

Indigo

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 6:38 pm

marina, I don't think its comparable to estrogen cycle which is something passive... she did not walk in on him having morning wood e-recti0n, which is more passive. here he appears to be actively collecting and perusing images-I would compare it to a girl actively working to attract male attention. Just like a girl should save herself to attract her husband & not random men, a boy should try as much as possible to save his eyes for his future wife. op I think you should call someone involved in chinuch of boys this age, this is something they have experience with as it is typical behavior of this age, while at the same time it does need to be addressed. Hatzlacha

ectomorph

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 6:56 pm

Throw them out. He's not gonna ask where they went.

amother

Emerald

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 7:07 pm

Not a bad idea. I still wouldn't confront him, though.

Odelyah

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 7:07 pm

I'm sorry but I find your statement about your husband being a very good guy interesting, when you also say that he has a poor relationship with his 13 year old son. If he is very good, he should know that his relationship with his children is his responsibility, and he should be prioritizing it and seeking advice from wise experts how to make it better, if he is unsuccessful on his own. (Especially while your son is still relatively young! It's likely to be much easier now than in a year or two.) Maybe he is already doing this, but nothing that I read indicated that. This is way more important in the long term than the lingerie pics. Hopefully you can use your wisdom as a mother to help encourage this along.

But as far as the pictures, I think you probably should not mention them directly. But I do think that you are the gatekeeper to what enters the sanctuary of your home, and from now on you can make sure to be the one to get to the mail first, and toss all circulars and catalogs, etc right away (or if it's something you need, put it away somewhere for yourself, but don't leave anything around in the public areas of your house.) It is 100% natural for him to look at them but you can do everything in your power to limit the temptation. otherwise it is really lifnei iver (and of course make sure he doesn't have any internet access that is not very well filtered).

I do think though, that since they are not in his private space, you can be cleaning the basement in that area, and just so happen to toss them in the process. He will probably realize-- he knows you saw him fumbling with stuff. But I think it's really fine and he will understand that you are doing what's appropriate. And hopefully will appreciate not being confronted about it directly.

notshanarishona

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 8:03 pm

I would say something , just tell him you found them and you hope not to find them again, etc..

amother

Oak

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 8:05 pm

amother [ Indigo ] wrote:

Just like a girl should save herself to attract her husband & not random men, a boy should try as much as possible to save his eyes for his future wife.

I'm sorry, what? A girl's body is the equivalent of a boy's eyes?

amother

Pewter

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 8:12 pm

amother [ Oak ] wrote:

I'm sorry, what? A girl's body is the equivalent of a boy's eyes?

Yes, that makes sense. Why not?

amother

Emerald

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 8:13 pm

I think it's a little weird to tie everything to marriage. There are other reasons for these values. People exist outside of marriage, too. Each person stands alone before G-d.

amother

Orange

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 8:14 pm

ectomorph wrote:

Throw them out. He's not gonna ask where they went.

Wherever he found the first ones he'll find new ones...
That's for sure not a solution!!
I think I would give him another short shmooze about shmiras einayim without mentioning pics. He'll obviously know you know about it but you did see him there and he knows that so no need to mention it!
Ultimately it is his choice to be careful or not.
I would also get rid of lingerie catalogs and magazines that don't belong in a Jewish home with teen boys.

amother

Oak

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 8:14 pm

amother [ Pewter ] wrote:

Yes, that makes sense. Why not?

Because it implies that women are the object of men's attention, and not the other way around.

amother

Yellow

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 8:16 pm

I would say:
I found these pics in the basement.
I just want you to know that according to halacha we aren’t allowed to look at these unless it’s your own wife. Maybe you thought it’s ok because they’re just pics but it’s not so I just want you to know that.
Keep it respectful and let him walk away with the feeling that you just wanted to give him matter of fact information.
And btw, according to the Torah, if he already had his bar mitzva- your only job is to make sure he has this information. (As you’d make sure with a 20 yr old BT for example) Because he’s in charge of himself from 13.
I know, it’s easier to say it than to feel it.
Main thing: he shouldn’t walk away with hating this mitzva of shmiras ainayim.
And that he should have a good relationship with you, that’s really important also (especially if he isn’t close to his father).

amother

Pewter

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 8:16 pm

amother [ Oak ] wrote:

Because it implies that women are the object of men's attention, and not the other way around.

And they're not? You're kidding, I must be in the wrong universe.

amother

Maroon

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 9:24 pm

OP: Yesterday I listened to a fascinating lecture by Rabbi Mannis Friedman (for the record we're Heimish-Chassidish, not Lubavith, but this lecture peaked my interest!). To paraphrase Rabbi Friedman's thesis, we parents don't need to put filers on our computers or phones- we need our children to put their own filters on their own heads. Forbidding and filtering don;t work, and neither does teaching children thatthe outside world is bad or dangerous.

But why aren't children filtering these things for themselves? How can we get children to focus on more positive outlets than dirty pictures? According to Rabbi Friedman, kids today are bored and lack a feeling of accomplishment. This by the way explains the large-scale depression rates in the US. From about the age of 11 or so, children today need to feel they're needed in the world, that they've got a unique mission no one else can fill and they must be busy doing that. Children need to go out into the world and accomplish, create something.

This is my addendum: today in western countries we've made too much too easy for kids. Parents do practically everything for kids (make sure they're up and ready in the morning, drive them to school, pick them up, make their dinners, wash their clothes, mend their clothes, give them spending money and etc.). We need to find ways for our kids to develop independence and start accomplishing on their own. If kids have a mission, something important to do (for example, think of kids who help their parents run a Chabad house or teenage business owners who make money while attending school- they don't have time for this stuff), they'll be too busy doing important stuff to waste time looking at this and that. Kids need a feeling of importance, and they must fulfill their tafkid to get that. I would also ask whether there is such a problem today with yeshivah bocherim looking at inappropriate pictures, because their lives are too easy, they lack a feeling of purpose, lack a mission? Do you believe there's a way to help your son find a greater tafkid so he's busy letting in the good and is naturally repulsed by the bad?

Odelyah

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 9:43 pm

while certain points are true-- that children need something positive to be involved in, to say filters are unnecessary is ridiculous and a very dangerous thing to say. It's somewhat like saying don't worry about childproof caps and keeping poisons locked and out of reach of toddlers-- just make sure your babies are occupied constructively and then childproofing is unnecessary... Confused

while the main thing is focusing on building a positive relationship with your son, and ensuring he has meaningful things to do with his time that he feels good about, it is 100% normal for him to be interested in pictures of women (and much worse stuff on the internet!) and it is 100% a parent's responsibility to set up safeguards to "childproof" the home in this way too, and not chas v'shalom be over lifnei iver, and a serious neglect of responsibility in this area.

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 10:00 pm

OP, before saying something to your son, talk to your husband and make sure 100% that he hasn't stored them with his junk stuff. It might have been sitting there for years and your son found it.
And if you're getting magazines in the mail, it's self understood that you should stop bringing them into the house.

amother

Aqua

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 10:29 pm

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

13 isn't exactly the brink of adulthood. Most 13 year olds I know are not quite very mature. If a child wants to be trusted, he needs to earn it.
I wonder if there's a specific reason OP felt the need to go through his stuff. Were you suspicious of anything OP?

People tend to live up to and down to expectations. If you treat him like a baby, he'll stay a baby. Low expectations become self fulfilling prophecies.

amother

Aqua

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 10:31 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I found them because he was acting furtive in the basement. My husband is messy and has a big area of the basement with shelves and boxes where he keeps all kinds of junk. No one ever goes through it. It's the perfect spot to hide stuff. I came down to the basement unexpectedly and my son quickly scrabbled to hide something he was messing around with there. So later I went and looked. Wouldn't you?

My dh is not the person to give a shmiras einayim shmooze. My dh does not have a good relationship with this son. This kid and I have already talked about puberty and shmiras einayim and all that. He knows.

If he's hiding the stuff, then don't confront him. He's embarrassed enough as it is.

Are there any other male figures that can talk to him? It's really much much healthier that way.

amother

Aqua

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 10:39 pm

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

I don't think you mean there shouldn't be filters at all. Don't leave open poison and hope nobody trips over it. Deliberate negligence is not an ideal game plan.

However, I believe your main point is that you should do more than try to take away bad things... You should provide positive alternatives. If people have healthy food to eat, they won't be as tempted to cheat on their diets. Obviously you shouldn't leave danishes lying around for a weak moment, but if you're not starving you won't be running out to buy.

amother

Mint

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 10:39 pm

You should be happy knowing that he's not gay. Imagine how you'd feel if he collected pics of male models..

Page 2 of 4

Previous 1 2 3 4 Next