Is it ok to lock a child in a room

amother

Wine

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 5:58 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My four year old son sometimes totally loses Temper tantrum, he'll bite his siblings, destroy things. When he's about to have a melt down if I tell him to go in time out he won't,. I can put him in his room to calm down but he'll keep coming out. I can keep returning him to his room but he'll keep coming out and he'll try kicking me. If I take him to his room and lock the door for just five minutes. When I open the door he'll calm down and he'll be over it. Over all he's a good kid but loses it when he's tired. Is it OK to lock him in his room for five minutes? I feel bad doing this but it really works for him to be able to calm down.

My now 11 year old was out of control at that age and he used to literally destroy things in the house when he was angry. We locked him in the room -hook n eye outside door- for a couple minutes while talking to him calmly from outside the door. He made holes in the wall of his room while he was tantruming but at least he wasn’t hurting anyone else. Bh he is a very well adjusted 11 year old (who was later diagnosed with adhd) Bh it’s been years since those crazy tantrums. Hang in there.

amother

Silver

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 6:12 pm

Bleemee wrote:

Which child (or adult?) wouldn’t get anxious from being locked into his room by an adult? I would get anxious if that happened to me now! Just because he’s compliant at the moment doesn’t mean it’s ok.
I am sorry it’s like this, the destructive tantrums are hard. 😩
Can you go into the room along with him?

I didn’t read the whole thread because it’s making me nauseous
But bleemee is right: can you go into a room together with your child.
I do that sometimes when there’s no choice and a child must be removed... also, instead of doing it as a punishment I explain to my child that it’s quieter and calmer in the room and we can do things to calm down together.

amother

Olive

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 6:22 pm

amother [ Natural ] wrote:

No !!!!
He can become anxious and usually it
it doesn't appear immediately .
Some children are so gentle that even shouting on them can cause a long term damage , I recognized it on my daughter only when she was 13 years old which is pity .
In general the vulgar attitude is not helpful , try to see what is the motivation of this behavior , positive calm discipline has proved itself much more .
I wish I knew this when I was a young mother

My husband still suffers from anxiety and emotional issues(distance) from when he was locked in the attic for HOURS
Eta-he didn’t even do anything to deserve it. His mom simply cudnt handle her kids so she threw him in the attic and he was there like 6-7 hours. No toilet or anything. No support or hug after.

nchr

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 6:26 pm

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

My husband still suffers from anxiety and emotional issues(distance) from when he was locked in the attic for HOURS

Are you seriously comparing locking a child in a bedroom for 5 minutes to locking someone into an attic for hours? I've never had to lock my child in a bedroom, but when I send my child out of the room he listens BH. Some people may need to resort to locking the door when their child is in a safe situation. An attic sounds a bit extreme. My MIL used to lock her children in the closet which is probably more similar to the attic, but DH doesn't seem phased by it just thinks it was poor parenting and ignorant.

amother

Lavender

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 6:41 pm

A child is a person. Don't do unto others what you wouldn't want done to yourself.
Respect the little human being G-d put in your care. Raise him up emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually. He deserves it. That is the reason he was given to you by G-d Himself.

The tit for tat discipline is not healthy or effective in the long run. Belts, spoons, hands, locks- these do not create a secure trusting loving relationship. You are everything in your child's eyes. When a child is punished in a demeaning way, it breaks something deep inside him. Not the trust he has in you (until you keep breaking him) but his own self-dignity. And that will take years and years to regain and repair.

A parent cannot use authority or physical strength to break a child, to relieve him of his self-dignity. G-d Himself granted a child this self-dignity just as it was granted to you, me, and every person on this planet. How dare a parent take that away from a little person G-d put in your care as a GIFT.

Think of an old shmatte you use to clean your house. Now mentally place that shmatte instead of your heart. The blood that your heart pumps around your body is shmatte blood. The thoughts that circulate in your brain are shmatte thoughts.

Is this what you want for your child?

No need to answer. Just think about it.

-On behalf of adults everywhere who still cannot recognize that they are beloved to G-d as an only child born in a parent's advanced years.

#BestBubby

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 7:07 pm

amother [ Lavender ] wrote:

The Torah says that one who withholds the Rod HATES his son. So punishment is necessary and NOT to do so is abuse.

The world will not be so forgiving to an undisciplined child - some may end up in
prison, Ch"V.

Question: How old is your oldest child, amother Lavender?

amother

Lavender

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 7:18 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

I am the same amother you always disagree with on parenting.
No matter.
A child cannot tell you what is happening to him inside. An adult can speak up and express what happened to her in her childhood years.
Do you really want to dismiss that? Do you have feel zero sensitivity towards adults who say they are broken inside? Do you read the emotional health section of this website?

Please tell me how or why the age of my child is relevant. Is this the outdated "I'm older so I'm right" argument?

In any case I have no problem answering. My oldest is 17. Now tell me what that has to do with broken children turning into broken adults.

We've already went through your Torah argument in the past. That's warped and unfortunate.

#BestBubby

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 7:22 pm

I don't see how a reasonable punishment for breaking established rules by a loving parent would traumatize anyone.

Also your oldest is 17, so it is too soon to know if your methodology produces adults
who are happy and functional.

Last edited by #BestBubby on Wed, Jul 22 2020, 7:23 pm; edited 1 time in total

trixx

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 7:22 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Bobby, I agree with most of your conservative views, but I'm sorry, your parenting deserves to be left in the past.

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

Where on your scale does the 5-year-old fit?

I said not for 4yos, yes for 5+yos. You say "until after 5" but then you say "before 5 model it and after 5 they can practice on their own."

The 5y1d, or 5y2m, where do they fit on your scale?

Also while I'm not arguing your point about self-regulation it is silly to think that the only way to teach self-regulation is by trying to teach it when your child is having a temper tantrum. You can't teach anything during a tantrum, you have to teach when the child is calm and work on making it a habit so that they can transfer the skills to situations like temper tantrums and fights at school.

It's not an age cut off, its a developmental spectrum.
Also, you don't teach self regulation, you model it. And when they're too young, you do it for them = co regulation. Physically soothing or being physically present if they won't let you touch them, using calm language that identifies emotions so they get back to their rational selves.
This thread is making me too upset, has anyone here read any kind of parenting book, ever, or are we all content with the terribly low bar of "well my mother did it and I turned out fine".

trixx

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 7:27 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Trixx, you believe that children should never be punished?

I believe children should get both natural and logical consequences. Punishment has never accomplished any of the goals we expect it to, like teaching better behavior or not damaging (at the least) the relationship.

Btw I'm extremely firm. No one walks over me, and I don't give in to anything. So I have no problem doling out consequences, but they have to be fair, not abusive or an abuse of power.

amother

Lavender

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 8:31 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

I don't see how a reasonable punishment for breaking established rules by a loving parent would traumatize anyone.

Because "reasonable punishment" has been found to be not so reasonable. And loving parents not so loving.
Ask the kids who are now adults.

Quote:

Also your oldest is 17, so it is too soon to know if your methodology produces adults who are happy and functional

I knew that was coming.
I invite you once more to read the Emotional Health section on this site.

An adult who has had to relearn self dignity has the special advantage to being more tuned in, more sensitive, to the emotional needs of children.

If you are looking for superficial, you will never get to see what's underneath.

amother

Lavender

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 8:46 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

At the risk of wasting my breath, I wanted to add that punishment and discipline is not the same.
My children are very well disciplined and not through punishment.

amother

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 9:14 pm

For all those who mention going into the room with him. I have a baby and toddler as well. It is simply impossible to bring them both into the room with him. I also can't leave them unattended. And, he is simply not going to sit in some quite corner just because I told him to. I can't lock myself, baby and toddler in a room and leave him free rein of my apartment because I think him having access to the kitchen is not safe. Standing and holding the door is a good option. I used to do this, but he spends the whole time struggling to open the door. That's why as a last resort I just locked out with a key. I think it could probably be done for 2, to 3 mins instead of five. Thing is, when he has had a chance to just sit down with not destractions for a minute or two he comes out and I can give him a hug and he's then fine. It really seems like the best option, but my problem is that I too have heard that halachikly is not allowed and I'm not sure why not. I would never have to do this for my other kids but for this kid it seems to be what he needs.