A Stupid, Bad Interaction with Principal (vent)

Blessing1

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 5:22 pm

cnc wrote:

Your husband’s response was inappropriate especially if it was done in front of your son/ other students.
The Rebbi’s remark was even more inappropriate.

The principal has the right to make the comment but it should have been done privately . Not in front of others.

In which world does a principal have the right to make such a comment?? It's never ok for a principal to talk like this. Respect is a 2 way street. If he wants people to respect him, he has to be respectful himself. OP's husband was caught off guard, he didn't really do anything wrong.

paintbrush

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 5:35 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

I'm going to be very cynical here. Sorry.
I think you are going to be left schoolless.

This is not saying that all across the board are like that. But the ones on top usually have very high egos and the ones on top are not necessarily the ones that we should look up to for inspiration or for setting an example. If you feel a need to hug me, please do so. Smile

But I'm pretty much the type to tell my kids that if they go to a certain school/yeshiva with certain rules, we have to follow them whether we agree or not, whether we like it or not.

I definitely agree with the bolded, but it sounds like this wasn’t a real rule, just something that the principal saw and didn’t like. But rule or not, this was the wrong time and place to have this conversation. And for those who are saying that ops husband could have responded better, that’s probably true, but he was probably caught off guard. This was an especially embarrassing and stressful situation ( especially while dealing with the younger child). It is very easy to think of the right response when you are at home browsing on your phone or computer, but in the situation it is not. The principal and rev I were definitely the ones who acted wrongly. Op I’m sorry that your dh had that situation. I hope the school year gets better from now on.

amother

Turquoise

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 5:59 pm

I feel so bad for the older kid - the one who's haircut everyone is talking about. Every kid is nervous the first few days of school. Imagine having to go through that first week knowing that the principal didn't like your haircut and got your father in 'trouble'. If it was me, I think I would have hid in the bathroom and cried.

If the principal had a problem with a kid's dress/haircut/shoes, he should say it to the parents privately. No reason to call the kid out in public like that and have him go through the entire day feeling bad.

DVOM

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 6:04 pm

Oy.

I'd be so upset if this happened to my husband and kids.

The principal was wrong. The rebbe was wrong. The husband (understandably flustered and triggered) was wrong.

In an ideal world:

To principal:

"I want to hear more about your concerns regarding my son's hair cut, but I'm having a hard time focusing because little guy is a bit overwhelmed with first-day-of-schoolitis. Can we continue this conversation later and in private? I'd be happy to stop by your office after I settle little guy in his classroom."

To rebbe:

"It seems that you don't approve of my haircut or my son's haircut. It's hurtful to have you say so to another staff member in public, with staff and students listening in. If you have some constructive criticism for me, perhaps you can deliver it in private and in a kind way. Your sarcasm is very hurtful."

amother

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 9:37 pm

Reality wrote:

OP, why did you mention the name of the Yeshiva? Even as a "joke". I specifically did not quote your post so you can delete it and it won't still be on this thread.

Well, I didn’t really mention the name of the school. It was hinted. But for those who live in the area, it’s a pretty big hint. So I deleted what I said.
Ty for pointing it out. I am not looking to get anyone in trouble. Just wanted to vent about this. DH and I have been disturbed by this al day. But as others have said, it was an isolated incident. Not worth making a stink

amother

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 9:45 pm

amother [ Turquoise ] wrote:

I was worried about this too. I spoke to DS when he came home. He said he realized that there was a back and forth, but he didn’t catch what it was about. BH! It would have been a terrible thing if he understood what was going on.

PinkFridge

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 9:53 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I apologize for skipping page 2.
If this is an isolated incident, would you consider this? Your husband should call to apologize. I bet that the principal would say something about regretting saying it. If not, and it just escalates, your husband can thank him for clarifying the policy, and ask that the principal call him later instead of over the morning rush. I'm betting on/hoping for the first scenario.

Hatzlacha!

amother

Powderblue

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 11:22 pm

I agree with the poster that said all 3 said something wrong and likely have regrets. Sorry this happened. I do think DH was not respectful in his response, I am not understanding the posters that say otherwise.

WhatFor

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 11:56 pm

I don't understand all the posters saying OP's DH wasn't respectful in his response. An adult in a leadership position just humiliated his little boy's appearance on his first day of school, in front of the little boy!

All OP's DH said was he likes the haircut. I would assume to save the first or second grader from public humiliation. What kind of person trash talks a child's haircut in front of the child? Another underdeveloped child is the only reasonable answer. And then the rebbe responds by trash talking the father's appearance?!

Sorry OP. I don't believe this is a "one off" unless the principal and rebbe, unsolicited, spontaneously call to apologize for their out of character remarks. More often when two senior people from a school engage in this, it's a culture. I wouldn't send my children to a school with a bullying culture. I don't think these two characters should be responsible for early childhood education based on what you wrote.

tichellady

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 12:58 am

WhatFor wrote:

This. I would not be comfortable sending my child there unless there was a major apology

PinkFridge

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 8:07 am

amother [ Powderblue ] wrote:

I think I might have said the same under the circumstances. But I think a little obseqiousness, I.e. a simple apology, might really clear the air.

Simple1

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 8:19 am

This should have definitely been addressed in private.

I do think it's a good idea to give a haircut in compliance with the school standards. It will be better for them socially and to be on a good footing with the school.

NotInNJMommy

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 8:24 am

Simple1 wrote:

I think OP said she looked at the school dress code and there's nothing that says there's a problem with this haircut according to the code. Seems like it's one of those "feelings" of the principal.

Simple1

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 8:33 am

NotInNJMommy wrote:

I think OP said she looked at the school dress code and there's nothing that says there's a problem with this haircut according to the code. Seems like it's one of those "feelings" of the principal.

Not everything can be specified in a dress code. Although, I've seen where the handboook said that the haircut should be fitting for a yeshiva boy - not sure if that's the case with OP's school. You have mothers here spending on brand names to fit in - the "right" haircuts don't cost extra.

NotInNJMommy

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 9:03 am

Simple1 wrote:

Well, I think vague terms like "right" haircut etc or "Fitting for a yeshiva boy" are open to a variety of understandings and impossible to enforce. I think at that point the principal is left with snarky comments and the parents imho can ignore (because they have no basis and they are snarky and rude). If it's so important to demand it, then it needs to be something people can be expected to understand clearly and something that isn't necessary to use snark/shame/bullying to "enforce". (which seems to be all leadership has to be able to use here)

If they have specific rules regarding haircuts, then they need to actually specify what an acceptable haircut is. Without that, it's clearly just bullying by leadership who don't seem confident or whole with themselves.

Sounds like a great topic for the parent-teacher org to get clarification on instead of the use of snarky guerrilla principal/rebbe attacks.