How bad is having children?

amother

Taupe

Sun, Oct 25 2020, 6:13 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thanks for all your replies. Very comforting to hear! Bh Dh and I took our time until we felt ready and we did consider all these things and still felt we wanted it. Is anyone ever truly ready? I don’t think I would ever be able to answer that I’m 100% ready.
Another reason I am nervous is because we got to enjoy some alone time I worry that having a baby will be harder because we will know what we’re missing. Or will it make it easier because we were able to strengthen our relationship pre-baby?

I just want to say that you’re already on the right path. Brilliant decision waiting and working on you and dh as a unit. Babies are taxing, but you have excellent teamwork, so you’ll be ok.
There are going to be times where you want to toss your baby straight out the window, but most of the time you’ll be eating up his/her little neck and squeezing his/her fat cannoli foot just to hear him giggle.
It’s so important to have in mind that every “surviving” parenting moment (the ones where you can’t wait for bedtime) is an amazing opportunity to help your kids grow. Start exploring the different parenting modalities now. It makes it so much easier, and sooooo much more fulfilling.

amother

Papaya

Sun, Oct 25 2020, 6:22 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

No, the important things in life are never 100% ready for, you jump in. It will absolutely not make it harder. It will be time you always treasure. You're doing great, don't overthink.

professor

Sun, Oct 25 2020, 6:40 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I’m pregnant with my first and B”H in a great healthy loving relationship with normal ups and downs. We’re married 2+years so had some time to ourselves. So many people are telling me things like “enjoy your time now, you’ll never have another second to breathe” or “say goodbye to sleep for the next 20 years” or “save every penny you can now because kids drain your account” and such.
I was so excited for this baby but now I am so nervous. How bad of an idea is having a baby?! I feel like I’m making a big mistake and have a mix of love/anticipation and complete anxiety/dread

People will ALWAYS say that. "Enjoy your time now, because when you get married you won't have this freedon/time/privacy/etc" " Enjoy your children now because once they start school you won't be able to just-get-up-and-vacation/money-cause-tuition/etc. Or "enjoy your schoolage children now because teens are X, Y, or Z and so on and so forth with shiddychim age and grandparenting.... Just relax and enjoy. Let them talk.

nchr

Sun, Oct 25 2020, 7:03 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You may feel like the baby is an extension of you and part of alone time. Or you may need a babysitter to make time for alone time. It really depends.

amother

Saddlebrown

Sun, Oct 25 2020, 7:10 am

It's every bit as HARD as people say, and then some! But hard is not the same as bad. Everything worth having in life comes with challenges. So yeah, kids are definitely the hardest thing I've ever done, but also the most meaningful and important.

amother

Blush

Sun, Oct 25 2020, 7:16 am

It’s like if someone were to tell you when you were engaged “enjoy your freedom and complete privacy because it will never be the same again after you get married!”
True, but marriage is amazing!!

amother

Hotpink

Sun, Oct 25 2020, 7:43 am

You can and you should still make time for yourself. If you have family that can babysit for a few hours for you to nap, or later on a sitter so you can have go out to eat with your husband. Self care is important so you don't feel overwhelmed. People told me this all the time when I was pregnant with my first. and you may have a happy, calm first baby like I did.

amother

Dodgerblue

Sun, Oct 25 2020, 9:31 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If you don't have kids you won't have grandkids!
Don't listen to these people who are raining on your parade.
I cannot imagine my life without my children. It's the best thing that happened to me.

amother

Mauve

Sun, Oct 25 2020, 10:18 am

I’m also pregnant with my first and really enjoyed reading this thread! BH I haven’t gotten so many commends like that (yet) I think it would really stress me out. Like yes I know I’ll barely sleep thanks for reminding me...but life is about more than just getting nine hours of sleep every night.

nchr

Sun, Oct 25 2020, 11:03 am

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

Sleep can be tough in the beginning, but by 4-6 months, you can get them sleeping through the night. Most people who are sleepless are because they haven't properly conditioned their children to sleeping appropriately. Don't be afraid of the sleep!!!!!!

ggdm

Sun, Oct 25 2020, 12:39 pm

Yes, a baby needs s lot of attention. But little babies also sleep a lot. You can still have beautiful time together with your husband. It may just not be at the time and how you did it before. Like: You cannot go to a concert, but you can listen to music together at home while the baby sleeps. And with older children you will have time in the evening when they sleep.

Yes, little babies don't give you a lot of connected sleep time. But it gets better relatively soon. And in the beginning hormones help a lot to manage the sleep deprivation.

Yes, children cost money. But you need to spend your money on something, right Wink

Don't worry, it will be fine. It will be hard sometimes, but it is totally worth it.

amother

Ruby

Sun, Oct 25 2020, 12:49 pm

amother [ Forestgreen ] wrote:

I still don’t understand how that can be true?

You're programmed to love your children and want the best for them. You're programmed to love your baby and toddler - the real work starts when they're not cute little kids anymore.

Marriage, from start to finish, requires avodas hamidos. You're programmed to want to be married, but you're NOT programmed to love a specific spouse. Getting along and building a healthy relationship takes hard work.

It's very rare for people to literally walk away from their kids and have nothing to do with them at all. But people walk away from spouses while expecting to be sole custodial parent, all the time.

zaq

Sun, Oct 25 2020, 1:09 pm

Think of having children as being an Olympic athlete. You work your tail off for many years before you win the ultimate gold medal, which is grandchildren. At points along the way you win lesser medals, like all the milestones your kids reach. Hard work? You betcha! Worth it? You be the judge. Since you're pregnant, I assume you already decided it would be.

amother

Ecru

Sun, Oct 25 2020, 1:14 pm

amother [ Forestgreen ] wrote:

I still don’t understand how that can be true?

Well I’m married to a very difficult man who has gone through periods of being verbally abusive, in a tiny nutshell.

I have wonderful amazing children who bring me overwhelming amounts of Nachas and joy. They are truly the light of my life and an endless source of happiness.

So for me it’s definitely true.

zaq

Sun, Oct 25 2020, 1:19 pm

I'm disturbed that you're asking "how BAD is having children" as if it's a crime. What I think you mean is how HARD is having children, which is not the same thing AT ALL. Would you ask "How bad is being a lawyer/dancer/chef/rabbi/flight attendant/doctor/nurse/electrician/accountant? How bad is it to make challah by hand? How bad is it to row a boat?" These things may all require a great deal of effort but they are worthwhile pursuits that can even be fun at times.