WWYD if your 9 year old pretended to hit you

amother

Floralwhite

Fri, Jan 29 2021, 8:21 am

Chayalle wrote:

The question is, are you respectful of your DD? Because in a respectful relationship, neither side gets a high from being disrespectful to the other.

It sounds like your relationship is a power struggle. She is chutzpadik, you give harsh punishment, and the cycle continues. What you want to do is break that cycle. You are the adult here, why battle with a little 9 year old?

Not saying this is the case here because I didn’t read the whole thread and don’t have enough details, but just want to point out that there are kids who unfortunately for whatever reason feel compelled to act defiant, oppositional, disrespectful, call it whatever you want, despite the kindness and respect coming from their parents. It’s not always the parents fault and no amount of kindness and respect from the parent will fix it.

Chayalle

Fri, Jan 29 2021, 8:25 am

amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:

Yes I'm aware of that. And will say that it is still possible to have a respectful and loving relationship with kids whose nature is more oppositional. But takes alot of patience, love, and forbearance. Guidance from professionals where needed.

Definitely not engaging. Giving a harsh punishment is counterproductive. Worrying that letting it go will continue the bad behavior. That's continuing the cycle and feeding it.

I speak from experience.

amother

Ginger

Fri, Jan 29 2021, 8:48 am

amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:

In that case, how would a harsh punishment help?

amother

Ginger

Fri, Jan 29 2021, 8:55 am

amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:

Not advocating for harsh punishments. The poster I was responding to said that in a respectful relationship neither party gets a high from being disrespectful and I was disagreeing with that. Not commenting on the best course of action.

That’s good. Thanks for clarifying. You did mention that no amount of respect/kindness will fix it, I just want to stress that no amount of punishment will fix it.

amother

Salmon

Fri, Jan 29 2021, 9:48 am

This is the problem with disciplining with punishment. The older the child will get the more defiant they will become. Especially, if parenting involves hitting the child. The child will one day get old enough and strong enough to hit and win the fight.

Parenting that involves a 2 way relationship involving love is long lasting. Both parties want to please each other. Obviously, in any loving relationships there could be disagreements, but in a loving relationship there is lots of room to reconcile and work something out.

If you don't want it to get worse than this situation, it's time to change your parenting style. It's never too late. Sign up for Rabbi Brezak parenting, positive parenting or any other parenting course that involves building a healthy relationship with your child.

amother

Floralwhite

Fri, Jan 29 2021, 9:55 am

amother [ Ginger ] wrote:

That’s good. Thanks for clarifying. You did mention that no amount of respect/kindness will fix it, I just want to stress that no amount of punishment will fix it.

Completely agree. I just feel that very often parents are made to feel at fault for their child’s defiance, guilty for not being kind or respectful or empathetic enough, and sometimes that could be worse for the relationship. In these situations it’s important for a parent to know that they didn’t cause it. That will help them avoid getting tangled up in the emotional aspect, and perpetually frustrated with why their niceness is not being reciprocated.

Chayalle

Fri, Jan 29 2021, 11:06 am

amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:

I don't fully agree with this.
I agree that as parents, we don't cause our children's personality and struggles. That's from Hashem. To some children, Hashem gives a personality that is more defiant, oppositional, etc...some of these children are really craving power, independence, choices, etc...and it's hard for the child to be the child, too. Remember that they are struggling, too, with what they were given.
I don't think parents should feel guilty when their child isn't behaving the same way as the neighbor's bubbaleh, and they should not expect that this child is gonna run to do things their way like that person's child. They should not feel bad for their child's struggles on a personal level, like it's their fault ch'v. And yes, they should not get entangled emotionally, or expect immediate returns.
At the same time, I disagree with the premise expressed that kindness and respect won't help the situation, because it will. However, it may take a long time, and alot of kindness, and alot of respect. And there will be ups and downs. And times where they feel frustrated, and wonder if their love and efforts are going anywhere. And alot of patience. But eventually, it usually pays off when the parent has their child's best interests at heart, and really tries, and gives, and davens....it's the way to go, and in many situations, it does pay off (perhaps not in the way the parent expects. Or if they expect that that means the child will be in the box they want them, then it might not pay off. But if what they want is a respectful, loving relationship with the child, and the child developing in the best way that works for the child, it just might happen. One day.)

bigsis144

Fri, Jan 29 2021, 11:13 am

amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:

This is so important to remember!!!

My therapist constantly reminds me that my kids do have bechira.