Calling all BTs...HELP ME PLEASE!

amother

Wed, Apr 09 2008, 8:24 am

I'm not sure whether I fall under the true BT category as I'm not as frum today as I was once but here is my story and sorry that it's a bit long...

I grew up in a small middle of the road Jewish community and didn't really identify with anything. My father worked on Shabbat and my mother did the crossword! We kids watched the TV but weren't allowed to write - go figure!

At 16 I was a total rebel and despised everything Jewish. I know now that I was fighting because of the anti-semitism I faced every day in school.

At 18 I was packed off to Israel for the summer on a student leadership tour. I had no desire to be there but I got to enjoy it and learnt a lot and even met my future DH.

When I came home I moved away from my home town to a bigger city and my future DH and I moved in together. Slowly we started to discuss the future and what we wanted for us and our future children.

For us Israel was the answer.

Four years after meeting we finally got married and three years after that we made aliyah. We lived in a fairly large town but found that all of the English-speaking community was either religious or not. There was no middle of the road. We kept a kosher home but not Shabbat and there was no-one else like us. We went to the Conservative shul and found that we were the youngest there by about 15 years.

A year after making aliyah I was pregnant with our first child and we were looking for a minyan for Rosh Hashanah. We stumbled upon a new kehillah that was being started by ex-Bnei Akiva English speakers. We went to daven there and both got so much out of it but still we weren't keeping Shabbat so no-one invited us and we felt out of things.

At the same time our non-religious, non-kosher friends were seeing us less and less because of our necessity to eat only kosher when we were out with them.

We realised that we'd come to a fork in the "road" and we had to go one way or the other. There wasn't much to think. We entered our first real Shabbat and sat in our front room and looked at each other. I think we ate challah and jam the whole day as we were too scared to open the fridge, or open a can of food. We had no idea what we were doing

On the third Shabbat we went to the beach!

We slowly came to the realisation that if we wanted to do this we had to do it properly and start learning. We bought some books and started to study together in the evenings. We were too embarrassed to ask anyone for help or advise.

Roll forward one year and we moved to a religious community.
Roll forward another two years and I was covering my hair, wearing long skirts and long sleeves.
Our home was as "kosher" as everyone elses in the community but I didn't feel comfortable.

We lived in our costumes for another couple of years like that before moving to our present DL community. It took me another year to take off the head covering that my DH never wanted me to wear in the first place.

Today we are totally Shomrei Shabbat, our son is in a BA Yeshiva HS and our daughter in a BA Ulpana. I don't cover my hair, I wear pants. I do strictly observe niddah and mikva and I'm finally happy with the level I'm at.

tovarena

Wed, Apr 09 2008, 9:54 am

You've gotten a bunch of beautiful stories already. So I'm not sure if you're still looking for more, but if so, here's mine...

Both of my parents were raised with little to no Jewish education. My dad thought that kosher food meant meat boiled to shoe leather and mom only knew pesach sedarim with the family. But after they had my brother and then me, they started learning a little more. We were members of a traditional shul (three sections - each end for men and women separately, "family seating" in the middle section - mostly Hebrew services, etc.). We had a kosher home starting about the time I was 8 or so. And we went to Jewish day schools from 1st grade onwards. My mom always said that our own level of religiousness was up to us but she wanted us to at least have the education that she hadn't had to make an educated choice in our lives. We had some acknowledgement of Shabbos and all yom tovim. Shabbos was Friday night with challahs, candles and kiddush - and most importantly the one night of the week for a special family sit-down dinner (then we'd hang out in the den watching tv). Saturday was not as much. We'd go to shul every so often and that was it.
There were no options for Jewish high schools girls where I'd grown up (there was one yeshiva and that's it) so I looked around at what my city had to offer - basically public school or non-denominational prep school - and neither option appealed to me. I ended up going away to a dorm Bais Yaakov (they recruited at my day school starting in 7th grade so I'd had a chance to visit the school beforehand). And that made ALL the difference. My mother pushed me to start there saying that if I was unhappy, I could always come home and go to public school, but I wouldn't be able to go vice versa - that they probably wouldn't accept me mid-year and I'd lose too much of my admittedly little Jewish education that I'd be too far behind. So I started there and had 4 really incredible years.
I started with the attitude that while I was there I would follow their rules but while I was home, I would do as I pleased. I wasn't there so much for the religious side as just it seemed like a nice place to go to school. However, they paired us up with families so we spent a lot of time at families' homes and saw the frum lifestyle first hand. I never exactly said, "this is what I want" but it slowly just came on me that the frum family life is what I wanted for myself and future family. So much more "simple" and wholesome. Towards the end of 10th grade, I became fully shomer shabbos and decided I wanted to live a fully religious lifestyle. After I went for my sem year in E'Y, I came home and was still religious but really decided that the Bais Yaakov derech (primarily the idea of many years of kollel) was just too much for me to really handle. Ultimately, I settled more "serious MO" and met my DH who is definitely "serious MO" (he became religious while attending university in Atlanta and ultimately attended yeshiva in E'Y for 2 years).

cdawnr

Wed, Apr 09 2008, 10:49 am

It all started with the fact that my parents were Brooklyn-born Jews living in Harrisburg, PA. We moved there when I was 5 (after living in NJ), and my brother and I were bother sent to the small day school. At first my parents said that they sent us because they were told that that was where all the Jewish kids went, but many years later my mom said that they had wanted us to have the Jewish education they never had.

To be blunt: I HATED it. Truly. You know that one kid that the class chooses to treat like junk...um, hi. So when you are in a small school, your nerd status that starts in kindergarten stays with you. I was begging my parents to let me out, and worse, I was failing or barely passing most of my Jewish classes. In 6th grade my parents made an ultimatum--if I didn't pick up my grades, I had to stay in the Yeshiva Academy. Horrors! I picked up the grades on the whole (and, sadly to admit, with a little docturing of the handwritten reportcard that they sent home with me--do you know how similar a 66 and an 88 are!)

When I was in public school, however, everything about me screamed Jewish. Mamish every single report I wrote in Jr High and High School had some element about Judaism or Israel in it. I was very active in BBYO and would never dream of dating a non-Jewish boy. During my senior year I went on the March of the Living. One of the predominant thoughts in my mind was: What did these people die for? Why did so many struggle to maintain a faith that was thousands of years old? What did they know that I didn't?

So when I got home I started doing more. When I went to colelge I started keeping kosher style, I put a mezuza on my door...I was the Jewish mama of the floor. My second year I went to Hillel on Friday nights. I did my Jr year abroad at Hebrew U. I left knowing I was going to become more observant, but not expecting to become fully Orthodox.

I arrived in Jerusalem in August. Found myself hanging out with a shomer Shabbas crowd. After the Yomim Noarayim, however, I went to Egypt...booking the trip without realizing that it coincided with Sukkot. I felt terrible being on a tour on Yom Tov...the tour returned and dropped us off in Jerusalem erev Shabbas Chol Hamoed, just at that moment was the first rain of the year, and from that moment on I have been Shomer Shabbat.

Since I had always been on the conservative side, and so into being Jewish, it was a natural place for me. Tus when I called home to report in, no one except for myself was surprised that I had become Orthodox.

The hardest part of the story for me is that I wish I was one of those spiritual people who saw the light. In truth, becoming frum had to do with a logical progression of myself and my relationship to the multiculturalism liberal attitudes around me. If I am suppossed to be proud of who I am, then who am I. If I am a link in a Jewish chain of thousands of years, who am I to break the chain? If Maimonides could be a scholar, a doctor and everything else, and was so brilliant, and he believed Torah was emes, who was I to question? My early BT life skipped much of the ruchnius stage and I believe that this will forever haunt me, but then again, being the pragmatist is just who I am as much as being a Yid is.

yo'ma

Wed, Apr 09 2008, 12:30 pm

Quote:

And that's why when my friends complain about Pesach cleaning, I smile to be friendly, but inwardly, I'm thinking, "Unbelievable!! I have the zechus of cleaning for Pesach!! And making a seder!! And raising Yiddishe kinderlach!! And telling them about Yetzias Mitzrayim!!" I cannot begin to fathom the depths of Hashem's chesed to me. I never ever thought I would have the zechus of being where I am today. Ivdu es Hashem b'simcha, bo'u l'fanev birnana!!!!!

You don't appreciate what you have until you don't. I so admire all of you.
Sad to say, but I think if I wasn't brought up frum, I don't think I would be today.

Ilovechoumous

Wed, Apr 09 2008, 1:40 pm

so here goes:
my mom is not religious and my dad was semi-religious (later in his life he became more observant). we had friday night dinner, I could drive my bubby home and go to her house and watch tv but I couldnt drive to my friends' house. as a result of almost missing going out friday nights, I grew up very angry and rebellious, and was part of the party scene. I went to jewish schools during some of the elementary years but eventually went to an anglican private school (ties, tunics and green kilts).
up until that time, I had only known a handful of religious people and one in particular that I really didnt like and equated all religious people to him. he really was a despicable man, said really horrible things. between this horrible religious man and growing up in a hypocritical religious house I didnt want to be part of anything jewish. I went to a zionist camp and was pretty zionist but not religious.
I had deferred first year university in Canada (a known "party" school), and was sure to get into a year program at hebrew u, I know now that it was hashachat pratit that I didnt get in. with little time left and scared that I would have no place to go, my parents had heard of bar ilan's one year program and was sent there even though I didn't keep shabbat or kosher. I was not interested in becoming religious but had an open mind and a thirst for knowledge. then I met Rabbi Machlis. Rabbi Machlis is the embodiment of chessed. I wish I had better words to describe him. Him and his family are in Maalot Dafna and they have at least 100 shabbat guests every shabbat. strangers on the street even!
through his ways of teaching, he gave me that spark, the one that says, jews are not so bad, there may be something to judaism after all. there was another very inspirational teacher, Rabbi Kahn, who taught agada. I still didnt want to become religious, even though I had a thirst for it and read almost all the books in their library on judaism (in english). I went back to study at the university in canada but couldnt be around that kind of gashmiastic, hedonistic life. I knew then I didnt belong there. I had decided to go back to israel, and started becoming religious. I went to ulpan, made aaliyah, went to midreshet rachel and got married all by 20 years old. we just celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary and are truly blessed to be living in E"Y.

amother

Wed, Apr 09 2008, 1:45 pm

So... if you figure me out, oh well... Not hiding that much.

I grew up in a MO home, going to Bais Yakov. I liked cdawnr's description of the nerd since kindergarten, cuz that was me. I hated it. I always was treated as a second class citizen, by the students, teachers, and even principals.
As a nerd, I fell in with a bad crowd of other rejects. We all rebelled. I had a tough life. I blamed it all on Hashem.
My way of rebelling? Boys. Not wanting any connection to Hashem whatsoever. But mainly boys.
I wanted to have nothing to do with the frum community.
I got paired up with a frum mentor, the first charedi lady I actually looked up to, because, not only did she not treat me like dirt, she made me feel valued as a person.
Once I felt loved, and not rejected by frum people, I realized that u cant label judaism by the jews, and just bec some jews act terribly, doesnt mean that judaism itself is bad.
Slowly, my boyfriends were getting frummer and frummer. Eventually I stopped talking to boys. I went to a few years of sem...
And ended up where I am now, loads frummer than I started off, happy, and loving Hkb'h.

Debbie

Mon, Apr 14 2008, 5:52 pm

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This is quite long.

My story about becoming a B T isn't as remarkable as others but I still see it as my special achievment.
I was raised in a very decent secular home and I was taught many values that are so much a part of Torah life but we didn't keep Torah ours was a home where Shabbos wasn't kept nor Yom tov nor kashrus but as I said it was decent and also good and loving.
When I was a teenager I felt that something was missing but I suppose I didn't know quite what it was only that it was something spiritual so I unfortutately got involved with a group of born again xtians.
Oddly enough my mother raised objection and pointed out to me that although not frum we were Jews and this was a step too far and aside from that my father was heartbroken about it,I stopped all conatct with the group and not a moment too soon because my father A.H. was niftar the following year.
However I still had this spiritual void and in 1986 when I was on a visit to Eretz Yisrael and staying on a secular Kibbutz I had the chance to visit the Kosel when I stood by the wall and touched it I felt a sense of something so special such as I had never felt before and I suppose that was my first awakening to where my heart truly lay.
In 1987 I returned to Eretz Yisrael and stayed on a frum Kibbutz and when I left after several months I was already starting to perform mitzvahs but I still wasn't doing everything properly so I started learning with Project Seed to help me progress.
On Shabbos Shuva in 1989 I was sitting in Shul and I realised that my Yiddishkeit had got to the stage where it was like a jigsaw with one piece missing and I decided then to add that missing piece and become a proper frum young lady.
Less then a year later I married and on 6th Tishrei 1991 5752 we had our first baby and it was so special that she was born two years to the Shabbos that I chose to commit myself to a life of Torah and mitzvahs and here I am more then 17 & 1/2 years later and still loving it!

TwinsMommy

Mon, Apr 14 2008, 9:20 pm

I met my husband on the way to a convention for future Reform Rabbis. Smile

He and I had both grown up wanting "more Judaism", and for both of us, we felt we wanted to embrace professional Judaism and look towards Rabbinical school.

In college, we each experimented with different flavors of Judaism for different reasons. At my school, the Reform group only met on Friday nights, and I wanted to have a Jewish experience on Saturday mornings, so I went to the egalitarian conservative minyan and had other students teaching me to leyn and daven and soon I was conservative. Before I knew it, I was a tallis and tefillin wearing, leyning, proud Jewish woman.

So by the end of college, I had given up on Reform Rabbinical school, but knowing I hadn't been Conservative long enough to embrace all the principles and really be comfortable at JTS's Rabbinical program, I applied to a few different graduate schools to get an MAED..... my future hubby and I decided that whichever grad school would accept us both, that's where we'd end up. So we applied to JTS, Gratz, and UJ (University of Judaism in California which is now AJULA).

So..... we at this point were sort of Reformative. Smile

A strange mix of Reform and Conservative. I was wearing tefillin every morning and davening Conservative. We moved to California to go to UJ for their MAED program, and lived together (yep, moved in together) RIGHT on the wrong side of the eruv. Learned quickly what an eruv was. There was a Conservative shul that we wanted to walk to---- but we walked there once and HATED it......

So, since there were a few Orthodox shuls in the neighborhood, we decided we'd try one out one Shabbos morning. We said "well, we don't have to BE Orthodox, we'll just go pray there and see if we like it better than the Conservative shul".

We joke that we walked in and never walked out.

Hubby (to be) moved out and moved in with our Rav for a while while we planned our wedding. We got married, and hubby moved back in. Smile

Baruch HaShem for Kiruv Rabbis.

roze22

Mon, Apr 14 2008, 10:42 pm

short version I guess....

my dad is not jewish (not religious at all, but a christian by birth) and my mom was raised a conservative jew. I grew up going to conservative shul. when I was in grade school I was diagnosed with scoliosis, among other things, and had a rough couple years with my health. I turned to religion to figure out where I was going. I got relaly into conservative judiasm in high school, but those who know the movement know its not exactly a happening place. I tried the reform temples, but hated the extreme feminism and "spirituality" I found there. I went to a catholic university (*gasp*) and realized that I was severly out of place. I began looking for people who agreed with my views on judaism, and ended up studying in israel where I met the most amazing teacher and I started becoming more religious. within a week of landing in israel I met my future husband, a modern orthodox sephardi. ive been continuing to study since then. its been a long path, but ive always know where I belong. I came to religious judiasm because it felt right, and I knew I belonged there.

the biggest issues? non-religious family. its a crazy situation usually, including (but not limited to) the wedding (the biggest fight over kosher food), x-mas (but your grandparents celebrate it, it means a LOT to them!), tznuis (oh common, you would look so good in pants...) and so much more...

mama-star

Mon, Apr 14 2008, 11:46 pm

I was always so proud to be jewish as a child, and felt different and special. I always wanted to be known as a jewish person. it was an identity thing, not necessarily a G-d thing.

I would draw pictures of chassidim and I was always very attracted to them. when I was 15 I went to NY with my mom and brother and took the subway to chassidic neighborhoods. I walked around and bought tchotchkies (like a simchas torah flag), took pictures, etc. my mother even told me I took a picture of an ad of the lubavitcher rebbe wishing people a l'shana tova - it was on the subway.

the first time I met a frum family was when I was in college. they were relatives of a guy I was dating. I was at a pretty low point, I had just lost a good friend a few weeks prior in a car accident. anyway, we go to meet this family (they were lubavs) and I was just SO attracted to them. they were long time BT's (like 30 years) and when they were in college they were into the same stuff I was into at that point...vegetarianism, alternative spirituality, etc.

when I first met the father of the family I stuck out my hand to shake his. he said, "I don't shake hands with women." I thought he was a chauvinist freak. the wife wore a wig (which I thought I would NEVER wear, lol). I happened to pass by their bedroom once and I saw 2 beds...you can imagine what I thought of THAT! so although I thought they were a little too "out there" for me, I was very attracted to them and I knew they were "the real deal," even if I couldn't fathom living their lifestyle.

but to make a really long story short...I eventually went to machon chana in NY (a lubavitch seminary for BT girls) and became frum. and now, I wear a wig, have 2 beds in my bedroom, and am shomer negiah, all the things I could never imagine! I'm also pregnant with my 5th kid, who would have thought I'd be a mother to a big family? I am also completely insane with pesach chumros!

learning chassidus is really helpful.

amother

Mon, Apr 14 2008, 11:52 pm

My home was kosher, I went to an afternoon Hebrew school. We didn't keep Shabbos (though I later learned my mother was shomer Shabbos until I was 4 years old.)

I learned to read Hebrew. I also learned there that brochos, shabbos and yomim tovim-are for the religious people, but not necessarily for me. Dh was raised essentially the same way (went to the same Hebrew school)

Fast forward through marriage and 4 children, and some very wonderful and influential Jews.

I remember thinking that my grandmothers home was totally Jewish (I didn't know the word frum yet), but my mother was raised that was but "lesser." My childhood home was very ethnically Jewish, what with Kosher, Yiddish, etc, yet my children were in public school and I had no guarantee they would not marry non-Jews. A very slippery slope.

We had the zchus to send my first son to a frum Hebrew school that was associated with the synagogue we joined (but rarely attended). Ds (7 years?) came home one day and asked me, "Why don't we make a brocha before we eat?"

I thought about my answer- do I want to send ds to this school and have him learn things that have zero relevance to his daily life- in essence do I want to be a hippocrite?

So Hashem put these words into my mouth, "I don't know, maybe we should."

And thus we started on a path-that dh joined b"H-that answered so many question and filled so many holes that I didn't even know I had.