Help me figure out if I can do this chesed (lending house)

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amother

Magnolia

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 1:58 pm

Once when we were newlywed, we rented out our one bedroom apt (so yes they slept in our beds) to another Newlywed couple from Israel. They were being hosted by someone but he needed more beds so he paid us to have them sleep, they didn't eat or use my kitchen at all.

I came back and found that she had stuck shaitel pins into my Nifty Nogginz head ($50 shaitel head that's not supposed to take pins)
And not in any prior holes but ON THE NECK like that's just lazy and ruined the head

I was so upset and I'm still upset 7 years later
I also felt a bit ick like they used my bed and towels. Dh and I agreed never again.

I wouldn't give my house if there's little kids. I rent every summer upstate and I'm super careful and OCD and still there's some inevitable small damage. And most people aren't as OCD and detail oriented like me

amother

Hunter

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 2:06 pm

I would never. That's not a chesed we feel comfortable doing! Even though we bought a large house, it is a major hassle to get the basement ready when we are home. I've done it and it isn't easy.

rachelli66

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 2:16 pm

OP you can tell the woman who needs it that you might not be able to clean as usual because of YK and being tired. You also can lock whatever room you want. You are doing them the favor. Just let them know in advance how many rooms they can use. I would also ask them to bring their own sheets, and towels. (Unless you're renting it for a price, no need to have their laundry). They will use your toys, sefarim, other things.

amother

Azure

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 2:47 pm

It's pretty standard to lock up master bedroom when lending out a home. Nobody expects anything more.
It's also standard for a big family (or their host) to supplement with sleeping bags/foldable cots in the living room.
It's also ok to ask that linen/towels be brought with them.

amother

Hyacinth

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 2:52 pm

Who are the guests? Family? Friends? Neighbors?

I do it all the time and not once has anyone been disrespectful. And I mean all the time.

Ema of 5

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 3:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

I was asked if we can let a large family stay in our (small) house over Sukkos. We're going away, the house is going to just be sitting there, I want to say yes, BUT...

I'm a very private person and even hosting relatives while I'm there in the house is something I have to stretch myself to do. The idea of having a large family of absolute strangers while I'm not even there to see what's going on makes me queasy.

Have any of you guys done this and have any tips for making it easier? Like, can I close up the closets and tell them not to open them? And trust they actually won't? What about my bathroom? My personal products? My prescription meds? Is there any way to ensure they won't be looked through?

How clean does the house have to be? I'll have like one day after Yom Kippur before we leave and I probably won't be feeling very well bc I never am after fasts. Do I need to scrub and dust everything? Pick up everything?

And if I do decide I really just can't... how do I say no? The people who asked me are huge baalei chesed, I feel so guilty to say no to them...

We have only let people stay in our house if it’s someone we know. Meaning the people staying there are people we know. I would not want total strangers in my house.
That said, I would close/lock any room/closet/drawer/etc that you don’t want them going into. Store away anything personal, yours and your kids. If your kids have specific toys that they would be upset if they broke, put them away. I don’t think you need to scrub, but you definitely need to clean. When you leave, it should look like a cleaning lady just left. Everything should be clean and orderly, and linens and towels should be freshly laundered.
If you decide you can’t, you just simply say “I’m sorry, it’s not going to work out for us.”

amother

Burlywood

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 3:09 pm

I’ve done it for money.
It takes away any kind of resentment.
I only give them access to one bathroom and don’t step in there until the cleaning lady has cleaned it.

amother

Eggplant

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 3:44 pm

OP thank you so much for posting. This is a super timely thread and I've been going around in circles in my head trying to deal with it.

The person who asked me is a neighbor I don't even know. She kept saying, you won't even know they're there. It will be no work for you. They can even bring their own linen.

Anything I tried to say was pooh poohed. Oh it's so not a big deal. And I really need where to put them.

But to me it is a big deal. And I kept trying to figure out how to get out of this, and what excuse to make, and if I made a huge mistake letting it slip that I wouldn't be home (she wanted me to have her guests while I was home! And I don't have any private bedrooms)

But after reading this thread I'm going to try and tell her, I'm very uncomfortable and that's it. It's hard because I hate confrontation and she made it very clear that there's nothing for me to be uncomfortable about.

OK ... I guess I'll think of you OP and we can do this together.

Chayalle

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 4:05 pm

I would only do it if I know the people and feel comfortable with their using my premises. I've hosted lots of times (when I'm home) but when I'm not home, I have to know and feel comfortable.

It also has to work for me at the time. My oldest was born on RH and I remember that year someone asked me to use my apartment for Succos. They pushed and pushed until I let. I was so resentful getting the apartment ready and straightened up to an extent that I was comfortable when I was so exhausted with a newborn. Even though the people didn't make a mess or anything - it was hard, and I learned that my own needs also matter.

amother

Salmon

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 4:10 pm

OP, it sounds like you CAN'T do this chesed.
And that's okay.

Chesed sometimes needs to push us a little out of our comfort zone, but it seems like this is far out of your comfort zone.

It's okay to say no. If it's a dire life and death emergency, they'll let you know and you can reconsider. But you can find a different way to do chesed that isn't as challenging and risky in your mind.

amother

Forsythia

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 5:18 pm

I feel like such a selfish person 🥺. I would never give my house to someone. I'm too anxious about things getting destroyed/ strangers sleeping in our beds etc etc.

amother

Magnolia

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 5:26 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

This woman has no boundaries and I can guarantee you, you will absolutely know that her guests were there.

amother

Diamond

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 5:28 pm

I would
I really have nothing to hide
I would ask if after they leave can they have a cleaning lady come clean up, wash all linens and towels, bathrooms, make beds so you come to a fresh house
I f don’t think that’s too much to ask

amother

Eggplant

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 5:39 pm

amother Magnolia wrote:

This woman has no boundaries and I can guarantee you, you will absolutely know that her guests were there.

Thanks for pinpointing it for me. I was so taken aback by the phone call that I just didn't have what to say. I know how to shut people down when I'm prepared for it. I kept asking DH, why is she asking me when there are so many neighbors that she for sure does know? I guess that's why, they know to get out of hosting her guests. Well now so do I ... might make for bad feelings with a neighbor but then again, it's a neighbor who lives nearby who has never said 2 words to me before.

tweety1

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 5:45 pm

Op, if you do it you are the nicest person. I never ever give my house away when I'm not there. I know people do it. I admire them immensely. Some people really don't know boundaries even though they're really nice people. Some people don't have the fifth sense as to what yes use not use, etc etc. I turn them down and say "this is one favor I can't do". I will gladly host you when I'm home when I'm away my house stays empty. Even to close family members with no kids.

amother

Forsythia

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 5:52 pm

Op, just a bit of advice if you decide to say no...
Say no in a nice way ( I'm sorry, but it won't work out/ I'm so sorry, I can't...) and don't give an excuse/reason!!!! I've learned in life that if you give an excuse, people will be sure to continue driving you crazy!!
For example:
I didn't want to give a room in my house to someone that asked, I said I'm sorry but I'm not sure if we'll be home that week, person said, it's ok, we don't mind either way Rolling Eyes

. Then when I said the room is really small, they said it's totally fine, when I said my kids make a lot of noise, they said we love kids.... Etc
Seriously, I was trying to get her off my back Mad

ImmaBubby

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 6:05 pm

Just don’t do it.
BTDT.
Not worth anything that gets ruined, including your relationship.
I’ve heard too many horror stories of what people found upon their return.
We all want to do chessed, but not if it ends up costing us hundreds of dollars to repair or replace our possessions.

lamplighter

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 6:11 pm

I had a bad experience. This is the kind of thing you do if you want to but not if you think you should.

tichellady

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 6:49 pm

I have done it multiple times with no issue but I also don’t find it very hard and an easy going

amother

Floralwhite

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 7:12 pm

"I feel so mean not doing it" is never a valid reason to do a chesed

You cant say yes if you cant say no.

giving away a house is huuuuge. Every drawer corner and shelf will be touched. Every family has their own rules and ways of running a house.

How will you feel if you come back and find things ruined or damaged? Scratches on the wall or ruined floors?

I did this once as a kindness for a neighbor that was hosting relatives. I would never ever do it again. I even told my aunt and uncle no when they begged me to use my house just for a shabbos.

I will do kindness in ways that don't feel like martyrdom and don't leave me with resentment.

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