My DD, 11 is a neb

amother

Skyblue

Fri, Mar 03 2023, 12:52 pm

amother Lawngreen wrote:

No, I get it. I have a kid like that. Yes she showers, and yes she brushes her hair. Halfway. She doesn't have easy to care for hair, and she can't be bothered to make it look decent. A sloppy pony with a messy part is the most she'll do, and the pony itself can end up looking like a squirrels tail. I love her to the moon and back, and I WISH it didn't matter. But in middle school it does. Coupled with the fact that she's a bit overweight, doesn't have the best body awareness, and not the most sparkling personality either, it's hard for me to look and her and not feel like she's not putting her best foot forward. I never ever ever compare her to anyone to her face, and believe me she's showered with love, affection and acceptance at home, but when I look at her peers and see slim, put together, polite, confident, outgoing girls, with neat hairstyles framing their faces, it pinches a little. Those girls have it made. My daughter is struggling. It's the reality.

I understand where you're coming from.
I just think that being able to present a polished appearance is only one talent that a person can have. Hashem created each of us with our own package of skills and abilities and talents and challenges. Instead of feeling (and making your daughter feel) that she is lacking something because she doesn't have this particular talent, instead look for and cultivate all the other beautiful traits that she has.

I'm not saying that external appearance doesn't matter. But it takes effort, and the individual has to decide how much effort they're willing to put in relative to other areas of their life. Maybe at this stage impressing superficial people isn't at the top of their priority list. Maybe at a different stage she will decide it's important for HERSELF and start developing in this area. Or maybe not. It's okay to be around people who don't look or act or dress exactly the same.

amother

Lawngreen

Fri, Mar 03 2023, 1:14 pm

amother Skyblue wrote:

Unfortunately, this lack of social awareness often comes along with a whole package. It does for us, it does for the many children I work with, and I suspect for OPs daughter as well. That's probably what makes it so hard to accept. I'm not saying these children aren't just as worthy of love, acceptance and everything good in the world, but it's not as simple as just lacking in one area. In fact, it's the lesser of my concerns about her, but its also the most external and obvious to other people. And more symbolic to me of deeper issues.

amother

Skyblue

Fri, Mar 03 2023, 1:18 pm

amother Lawngreen wrote:

I don't know.

I think the emphasis given to personal appearance and fitting in at all costs detracts from personal development. Like as long as your skirt is the right length and you have the right backpack all will be well. There's an unhealthy obsession with details like this and it's not just tweens, it's reinforced by adults. That's the part I find disturbing. It's like parents have never developed psychologically beyond the middle school level.

amother

Lawngreen

Fri, Mar 03 2023, 1:20 pm

amother Skyblue wrote:

Yes but like I said, we all want our kids at a healthy medium. It may be more common for kids to be at this end of the spectrum, and those kid indeed would do well learning that there's more to life than trends and looks, but at the other end of the spectrum are the clueless kids, and it's just as valid for their parents to wish they were just a tad more with it.

amother

Skyblue

Fri, Mar 03 2023, 1:52 pm

amother Lawngreen wrote:

The problem is with giving kids mean labels and defining them by a single characteristic.

We would react the same way if a poster titled her thread "My daughter is a dummy" because she struggles in math. It's not a debate over whether math skills are necessary or important, or whether a parent should expend effort and resources to get her daughter help in math. The problem is with the labeling and attitude.

amother

Lawngreen

Fri, Mar 03 2023, 2:42 pm

amother Skyblue wrote:

I don't think thats a fair comparison. A deficit in social skills is wider and more far reaching than missing an isolated skill like math. Maybe global learning disabilities would be a better comparison, but even with that I would say a thing like social savvy, which is very much a personality thing and affects various aspects of life, is different and harder and more life altering then academic difficulties.

Maybe that's where the misunderstanding is happening. People are reading neb as just not the most polished. Or not the best dressed. I see it as more pervasive, covering several different areas of development. These kids are often lacking grooming skills, have poor body awareness, can be messy eaters and messy in general, maybe lacking executive function skills, slow to pick up social cues, self conscious, socially and generally anxious, maybe even a little paranoid, can struggle with flexibility, sometimes slightly obsessive, can struggle keeping up with fast paced conversations and a million other little things that's social humans do on instinct that are difficult for people who struggle socially. That's a whole lot more than having a hard time with math, and often follows them into adulthood.

And once again, because I know posters will nitpick, every single child is deserving of whole hearted love, tolerance, acceptance and adoration from their parents.